Raising our Children - Adil Saleem

Raising Our Children

إِنَّ الْحَمْدَ لِلَّهِ نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِينُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ وَنَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنْ شُرُورِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا مَنْ يَهْدِهِ اللَّهُ فَلَا مُضِلَّ لَهُ وَمَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَلَا هَادِيَ لَهُ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ

O you who believe, fear Allah as He should be feared, and do not die except as Muslims. O you people, fear your Lord, Who created you from one soul, and created from it its mate, and spread among them many men and women. And fear Allah in Whom you ask for help and mercy. Verily, Allah is ever watching over you. O you who believe, fear Allah and say the right words. He will correct your deeds and forgive your sins. Whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has won a great victory.

As for what follows: the best of speech is the Book of Allah, and the best guide is the guide of Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. And the worst of things are its innovations. And every innovation is a newly invented matter. And every newly invented matter is a misguidance. And every misguidance is in the Fire.

The Desire for Children — A Universal Human Need

Allah says in the Quran, regarding two remarkable individuals: one was al-'Aziz in the time of Yusuf, peace be upon him, and the second was Asiya, peace be upon her, the wife of the Pharaoh, Fir'awn. And this is what they each said when they came across a child — al-'Aziz when he came across Yusuf, and Asiya when she came across Musa:

"Perhaps it will benefit us, or we will take him as a son." That perhaps we can take this child, and perhaps this child will benefit us. And perhaps we can take him in as our child — i.e. we can adopt them.

But brothers and sisters, this is what most parents want. That we have children or we want children, so when we grow older, maybe this child can benefit us in some way. Maybe they can help us. Maybe they can benefit us with something. So the virtues and the urge that people have, and the need that people have of children, is something which is mentioned in the Quran and is something which is emphasized in the Quran.

Allah says:

That wealth and children are from the delights of this world. So if you ask two people — two different people regardless of their faith, regardless of where they come from, their background — some of the things that they will say that they want in their life is children, is money, is wealth. So this is something which is within us. It's built within us. It's part of our DNA. All people, all guardians, everybody, all parents — they want a child. Somebody who will look after them. Somebody who will bring benefit to them when they grow older.

And Allah says:

That He will give us an increase in wealth and in children. As I mentioned, this is something which all humans want. It's part of our DNA. Allah says:

Made beautiful — what is adorned for humans — all men have this desire of wealth and children.

Are We Stepping Up to the Mark?

So now we know that having children is something which people desire, people want. We need to ask ourselves: are we stepping up to this mark? Are we stepping up to the mark with regards to bringing up our children? Are we giving them the correct tarbiyah? Are we bringing them up to become pillars of our society? Proactive Muslims? Or are we falling short in this?

Many of us work nine to five. We have our full-time jobs. And when we come home, this is when our full-time job really starts — our work with our children. Ask yourself: when your child comes to you after a long, hard day's worth of work, do we shun them away and push them away? Or do we give time to them? When your child asks you for something, do we give them the time that they deserve? Do we speak to them? Do we talk to them? Or do we say, "We're busy"?

Your child is communicating with you. And this is not necessarily a verbal communication. The fact that he is talking to you, the fact that he wants something from you — this is something we need to understand. This is something we need to be emotionally intelligent about. The fact that he is talking to you means that he needs something. Means that he needs your time.

When I mention some of the companions — if I mention Abdullah ibn Mas'ud, Hassan and Hussain, Anas ibn Malik — your mind should straight away go to some of the greatest companions that ever stepped foot on this planet. Some of the greatest people that ever lived. And if you look at one thing they all had in common, it was that they were nurtured by the Prophet ﷺ. The tarbiyah that was given was by the Prophet ﷺ. So how did these children, these youth, transform from young people into giants of Islam, into legends of Islam?

If we look at what the Prophet ﷺ did, these are the lessons that we need to follow. And normally when we seek advice and inspiration, we look left and right. We look at different authors and we try to find something from them that we can benefit from in our lives. But as we know, the best of examples is the example of the Prophet ﷺ. This is a life that we need to emulate. His life and his teachings are the teachings we need to emulate and to copy and to implement in our lives.

And this isn't me saying it — this is Allah who describes the Prophet ﷺ. He said:

That you have in the Prophet ﷺ the best of examples. So there's no need to look left and right. You have his Sunnah that we need to follow. We have his example that we need to implement in our lives.

So in this short khutbah, I just want to take a few pointers from the life of the Prophet ﷺ — how he dealt with these children, what he did that inspired these youth to become some of the greats of this world that we know. So for those who have children, please pay attention. And for those who don't have children, inshallah your time will come — so we need to pay even more attention.

Lesson One: Start From a Young Age

Before anything we do, the first thing the Prophet ﷺ did was to start from a young age. And again, this is something we might think is common sense — you start from a young age. Why? Because when we plant these seeds in our children from a young age, you will find when they grow older, things become easier for them. It's second nature for them.

If we bring our children up on the prayers, you will find when they grow older, this is something which is within them. For example, when they're sitting in a congregation and it's time for the prayer, you will find somebody twitching and itching to get up and pray. Why? Because this is in his heart. It's built in him that he needs to go and pray.

And likewise, if you plant the seed of modesty in the heart of a child, you will find that when he grows older and he's walking on the street, you will find it's easier for him to lower his gaze. Why? Because this modesty is within him. It's within him and he practices it. This is how it's easy for him to practice it — because he was brought up upon this.

Lesson Two: Build Their Trust First

Once we do this, the next step — the Prophet ﷺ, before he would even teach a person, would build their trust and emotionally understand them. So before you teach your child, before you do anything with your child, they have to trust you. And this is what we learn from the seerah of the Prophet ﷺ. Because children don't want instructions — "Do this and don't do that." They need your love. They need this trust.

So one day, Anas ibn Malik reports — he said that he had a brother by the name of Abu Umayr. And he said one day his brother had a pet bird, and one day the pet bird died. To me and you, it's like our child has a toy and the toy breaks. It's no big deal — we'll just get him another toy. But no, you have to understand that this was something which was dear to them.

Likewise, Abu Umayr — when his bird died — to me and you, it's okay. His bird died. It's no big issue. But to this boy, his world had come to an end. He was absolutely distraught. So the Prophet ﷺ was walking by and came to visit the boys. And again, this is the Prophet ﷺ, the Messenger of Allah — but he would take time out of his daily schedule just to see people, to visit the youth, to see how they were. He would give them their time.

So he went by and he saw Abu Umayr — he was very upset. So he said to the people, "What's wrong with Abu Umayr? He seems very upset." And the people said, "O Messenger of Allah, his bird has died. But he'll get over it. It's okay." But the Prophet ﷺ saw there was something wrong. And he went to the boy and spoke to him and asked him what the problem was and talked it over with him.

The Prophet ﷺ could have easily said, قَدَّرَ اللَّهُ — "It is the will of Allah" — or:

"To Allah we belong, and to Him we return." But the boy didn't want to hear this. Why? Because he didn't understand it. His language is different. He's a young boy. He doesn't understand these concepts. So the Prophet ﷺ lowered himself and spoke to him in a way which he understood and in a manner in which he understood.

So this is the first thing: building their trust by showing that you care.

Lesson Three: Be Physically Affectionate

The second thing that the Prophet ﷺ would do was that he was physically affectionate with his children or with the children around him. And again, we need to ask ourselves: when was the last time we hugged or kissed our children without any reason, without any need — you just went up to them and kissed them and hugged them just to show your love towards them?

We live in a society where sometimes we think we are too manly for this. But we find the Prophet ﷺ — this is something he would do with Hassan and Hussain, the grandchildren of the Prophet ﷺ. You would find that when he was praying ﷺ, they would jump on his back and he would prolong the prayer because of them — he waited until they came down from his back.

So now if we fast forward to our time — imagine if the Imam was praying and some kids jumped on his back and he prolonged his sajda for maybe a couple of minutes. Imagine the uproar. And this is the difference between how the Prophet ﷺ would raise and give this tarbiyah towards the children and our time now.

And an example of this: one day the Prophet ﷺ was playing with the grandchildren, Hassan and Hussain, and a man from the Bedouin came to him. You have to understand that the Bedouin, before Islam, were the people who would bury their daughters alive. So this man came and he saw the Prophet ﷺ playing and kissing Hassan and Hussain. And this man said in a boastful way — he was mocking the Prophet ﷺ — he said, "You're kissing your children?" Very shocked. "You kiss your children?" He said, "Me? I have ten children," in a boastful way, "but I have never ever kissed or hugged a single one of them."

So the Prophet ﷺ looked up to him and said, "Then what can I do if Allah has stripped this mercy from your heart?"

So again, it was a harsh response just to show that what this man was saying was very serious. And normally we look at this incident and deduce from it the love and the mercy of the Prophet ﷺ. But look at this from the point of view of those ten children who have never been hugged, who have never been kissed. How do you think they will be when they grow older? Do you think they will have mercy and rahmah towards their family, towards their children, towards their spouses? This is something that we need to do — because this is a Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. It's something he would do with the children.

Lesson Four: Give Gifts

The third way we can build this trust and understand our children is by giving gifts, by giving them presents. This is something very simple we can all do. And it's not something which necessarily has to be very expensive — it can be anything, a small gift, a present. And you will see the effect this has on a person.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

(al-Adab al-Mufrad, Hadith 594; also recorded in Musnad al-Bazzar)

"Give gifts, for this will increase the love amongst yourselves." And تَهَادُوا is a فِعْلُ أَمْرٍ — it is an order. The Prophet ﷺ is ordering us to do this. And we will see the results and the fruits of this.

أَقُولُ قَوْلِي هَذَا وَأَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ وَلِسَائِرِ الْمُسْلِمِينَ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوهُ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ

Second Part: Educating Our Children

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ وَالصَّلَاةُ وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ نَبِيِّنَا مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ أَجْمَعِينَ

So this was the first step: build the trust of your child. And once you have this, then we educate them. And again, this is the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ — this is what he did. And we see in the seerah, before he went out and spread the message of Islam, he made sure he had the trust of the people.

And we see from this: Abdullah ibn Abbas narrates a story. He said:

(Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2516 — graded Sahih)

He said, "One day I was behind the Prophet ﷺ — he was riding on his mount. And the Prophet ﷺ said to me: 'I am going to teach you some words. Safeguard Allah — be mindful of Allah — and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Allah in front of you. And if you were to seek help, then seek help from Allah. And if you were to ask of something, then ask from Allah.'"

And then he said, "If the whole world were to come and gather to benefit you with something, then know that this benefit will never reach you except if Allah had ordained for it to reach you — if Allah gave permission for this benefit to reach you. And know that if this whole world were to come together to harm you with something, know that this harm will never reach you unless Allah ordained for this harm to reach you."

The Power of Positive Associations

Now we normally use this narration in matters of aqeedah, in matters of our belief — knowing that Allah is One, that if we ask of something we ask from Allah, if we need help we ask Allah for help. But we need to look at this narration from a different angle now. Look at this narration from the angle of this child — Abdullah ibn Abbas.

He was riding his mount. Imagine your child on a bike. How did he feel? This is the happiest part of the day. He was very happy. He was extremely happy. He was having fun. So the Prophet ﷺ saw Abdullah ibn Abbas — he was very happy, he was having the time of his life, he was riding his mount, his mindset was open, he was ready to take in anything. The Prophet ﷺ saw this opportunity and taught him life lessons — life lessons of which there is no comparison. He was telling him about the difference between Jannah and Jahannam, his Paradise and his Hellfire.

So now ask yourself: do you think these lessons would ever leave this child? The lessons that the Prophet ﷺ conveyed to this boy at this moment of happiness — do you think these messages, these lessons would ever leave him? And the answer is no. Why? Because he was in a state of happiness. He was happy. And this is what we need to know about positive associations. We need to associate the deen, our religion, with positivity, with happiness.