Choosing the Right Partner - Mufti Minhajuddin | Islamic Reminder | Jummah Khutbah

Choosing the Right Partner

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ، الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ، الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ. Allahumma salli ala Sayyidina Muhammadin wa ala ali Sayyidina Muhammadin wa barik wa sallim. Allahumma barik ala Muhammadin wa ala ali Muhammadin wa barik wa sallim.

My dear respected brothers and sisters in Islam, just a reminder for everyone that we do give opportunity for sunnah prayers to be performed after the speech, before the khutbah. If you desire to perform Tahiyyatul Masjid, the two raka'ah, then if you can perform them in the back of the masjid — because if you're performing right in the first saff, then I cannot start the speech and everyone is waiting, so be mindful of that inshallah.

In any case, the few minutes we have inshallah, I wanted to remind myself and everyone that in the summer months, after the month of Ramadan, this is a time when we have many, many weddings in our community. This is referred to as the "Shadi season" — sometimes people refer to it as the season of weddings. Particularly in the summer months, but since Ramadan comes, that has been further squeezed, so there are so many weddings taking place every weekend in our community.

Marriage: A Sunnah of the Prophets

A few points for us to remember regarding weddings: of course, this is the Sunnah of the Anbiya, the order of Allah. Allah has given us His permission in the Quran:

And in this Sunnah of the Anbiya, Allah says:

That We have sent messengers prior to you, O Rasul, and all of them had wives and children — with the exception, of course, of Yahya (peace be upon him):

He was unmarried, and Isa (peace be upon him) did not marry. Besides them, all the Anbiya got married. It is a great Sunnah of the Anbiya — not only of our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) but of all the Prophets of Allah. So this is a great form of ibadah. It is a great form of completing one's Iman.

(Al-Bayhaqi, Shu'ab al-Iman)

The one who gets married has completed half his Iman — let him fear Allah regarding the remainder, the second half.

The Impact of How We Conduct Our Weddings

But what happens is that unfortunately this moment of happiness, this occasion of enjoying the blessings of Allah and thanking Allah and being grateful for His blessings — we end up disobeying Allah. We end up flagrantly violating the orders of Allah. And this has a definite impact on our married life and also even on the tarbiyah of our future children.

It is mentioned by our elders that one person thought he was ahead of the game. He was very forward-thinking about the future and he brought his young son — around 6–7 years of age — to a Shaykh and said that he brought him so that they could plan his tarbiyah and upbringing. The Shaykh said: the tarbiyah has already been done. You are coming so late. You are worried about the tarbiyah of your child when he is already 7 years of age?

The upbringing and tarbiyah of your child began right from the time when you were selecting a spouse. What was your criteria for selecting a spouse? How was your wedding conducted? How was your Nikah conducted? How was your Waleema conducted? Was it in accordance with the Sunnah of Rasulullah (peace be upon him), or were you disobeying Allah on these occasions? This has a definite effect on the future of your child.

The Four Criteria for Marriage

Rasulullah (peace be upon him) has said in a well-known hadith:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1466)

Women are married for four reasons: some are married for their wealth, some for their beauty, some for their lineage and family, and others for their Deen. So make sure you marry the one who has the Deen. If she has the other attributes as well, then نُورٌ عَلَى نُورٍ — and if she has all four, نُورٌ عَلَى نُورٍ عَلَى نُورٍ عَلَى نُورٍ. That's great. But we cannot miss the نُور of the Deen. That is the first and most important condition. Otherwise, we will cry blood in this dunya and in the akhira as well. The punishment and the عَذَاب begins right in this world and continues in the قَبْر and حَشْر and eternally after the Day of Judgment for making the wrong choices.

The Danger of Marrying Without Regard for Deen

At a very foundational level, a phenomenon that is increasing — may Allah protect our youth — is that many of them are, forget about the level of religiosity and understanding of Deen, actually opting to marry non-Muslims. Or, may Allah forgive, barely-converted Muslims. As far as the Fiqh is concerned, when we are asked to perform the Nikah — if there is a woman and she is a Kitabiyyah, Christian or Jew, there may be some permission there. But even with respect to a man, if he says:

— then our ruling is that we are bound, as Imams, by: نَحْكُمُ عَلَى الظَّوَاهِرِ وَسَرَائِرُهُمْ إِلَى اللَّهِ — we pass the ruling based on the external condition, and the condition in their heart is between them and Allah. We cannot judge anyone's Iman and say: you are outwardly expressing the Kalima just to marry the girl and have no intention of leading a life as a Muslim. We cannot make that judgment.

Allah mentions about a campaign when one of the most vicious warriors of the Kuffar side was killing Muslims left and right, but then when he was finally pinned down by a Muslim, he said the Kalima to save himself — and the Muslim, thinking he was just saying it to save his life, continued on and finished the job. This ayah was revealed: how dare you do that? كَذَٰلِكَ كُنتُم مِّن قَبْلُ — you yourself were a non-Muslim before. Allah has favored you with Iman and you cannot judge anyone.

So we will perform the Nikah. We will say: okay, he is a Muslim. But that is the end of our relationship with that issue. You as a girl who is marrying this man — you know in your heart, and you have some level of wisdom that Allah has bestowed you with — you should utilize that and see: is this person genuinely sincere? If they are, that is so great. SubhanAllah, all of the Sahaba were converts who had accepted Islam. We have nothing against converts. So this is a very touchy topic — I don't want it to be misunderstood.

But if you know that person has not studied Islam in the least, has not made any effort to learn the Deen, has no interest whatsoever in the Deen — in fact might have openly said to you in many of your conversations when you were spending time together: "I really want to get married to you, and if this is what is required, okay I'll just do that so that we can get married if your father will not give permission and you want your parents' blessings" — if this is what his own statements are, then you have to realize what type of person you are getting married to.

The Quranic Verdict on Marrying Believers vs. Disbelievers

The same applies on the man's side. Allah says:

A believing woman — وَلَأَمَةٌ مُّؤْمِنَةٌ — is far better for you. Allah is saying in the Quran, Surah Al-Baqarah: خَيْرٌ مِّن مُّشْرِكَةٍ — better than a mushrika, a disbelieving polytheistic woman. And Allah is saying even if she is more beautiful — وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَتْكُمْ — even if you are overawed and impressed by, or swayed by, or falling in love with the external beauty of that mushrika, don't fall for that.

Allah says: do not marry your daughters to mushrik men until they believe. And a believing male is better than a mushrik male, even if you are impressed with the wealth, talents, skills, and position of the mushrik. And a mu'mina girl is better than a mushrika girl, even if you are impressed by the beauty of the mushrika. And then in very clear terms, in a very simple manner, Allah makes a sweeping judgment and distinction between these two groups: they are inviting you towards the Fire, and Allah is inviting you towards Jannah and forgiveness — الْجَنَّةِ وَالْمَغْفِرَةِ — Jannah and forgiveness through His favor. This maghfirah is not because you earned it; it is from His favor. And Allah clearly is mentioning His signs for people so that they may take heed and listen.

This is a lesson for us. How can we fall for the beauty? And this is a sickness of the youth. Because many parents are coming and saying: we have Muslim daughters, and they are not getting proposals. No one is ready to marry them. And many Muslim young men — their fathers are coming and saying: our sons are getting married to non-Muslim girls. We are seeing this happening. Or sometimes the girl is remaining as a Christian, because of the permissibility of marrying a Kitabiyyah. Other times, if they truly accept Islam, that is great — another person added to our Ummah, we are happy for that. But in the cases where they are not accepting Islam and are getting married while still Christian, this is happening.

The Hyper-Sexualized Culture and Its Impact

We have such a culture where we are so fixated with external beauty. Just in Ramadan during our I'tikaf, we used to have question-and-answer sessions. Some of the questions that came from the youth were anonymous — and they were very revealing about the state of mind. Some of them were asking: is it permissible if you make specific duas for the guidance of particular models, or some beautiful girls in our school or college — particularly making dua only for their guidance so we can marry them?

So that means this young man is so infatuated that that is the only thing on his mind. He cannot see all the beautiful Muslim girls that Allah has provided in the community. They are our daughters, our sisters. And he does not have any concern about them. Nor does he have concern about the hidayah of mankind in general — of all men and women, those that are beautiful and attractive and those that may be less so. We have to have concern about everyone's guidance.

Our beloved Rasul was sent for the guidance of the entire mankind. So this is the hyper-sexualized culture we are living in, and we have to make the tarbiyah of our men.

And some of the fathers of the girls are becoming so desperate. They ask us: is it permissible for our daughters to expose their hair, to wear the most revealing outfits and makeup, and go to mixed parties — because if they don't do so, if they don't behave like the non-Muslim girls, then they are not going to get married? They may be super qualified and have very high education, but if they do not act like — because what is happening in the minds of these young men is that they are only used to this type of beauty that they are seeing: half-naked, revealing. This is what they are used to, this is what they like, this is what they appreciate, this is what they enjoy. Now, if our sister or daughter is wearing hijab and is modest, that is not appealing enough to them — they are rejecting that. So is it okay for our daughters to do this? The situation has become so desperate for many families. Na'uzubillah.

So we have to speak about this from the pulpit. It is our responsibility — we need to change our culture. This is one aspect of many things we need to change, but this is the topic for today. We have to impress upon our children and our boys that the most important thing is Iman, and that which will save you in this dunya and the akhira is the Iman of your wife, the a'mal of your wife, the akhlaq of your wife, and the tarbiyah that your wife can give your children.

If you are going to forget about this completely and relegate it to the last degree and not worry about it at all — what will happen? First of all, you will go in your grave and she will go in her grave, but she will have already affected your children.

The Role of the Mother: Lessons from the Quran

We see that the role of the mother with respect to the raising of children is something that, right from the Quranic examples, we can observe. When Asiya (peace be upon her) was such a pious and righteous woman, despite the father figure being Fir'aun — the most accursed individual ever — who was the child raised in that home? Musa (peace be upon him). Musa (peace be upon him) was raised in that home because of that training — of course, his own biological mother also nursed him, but afterwards he grew up with Asiya (peace be upon her), who said to Fir'aun when she first saw the baby boy: this baby will become the coolness of my eyes and your eyes — do not kill him. We will adopt him as a child. He will benefit us. And he indeed benefited her: she became a mu'mina, she became one of the best women of all times.

On the other hand we have Nuh (peace be upon him) — Najeehullah, Rasul of Allah, from the highest category of Prophets. But when his wife was not a believer, when his wife did not accept Islam, then we have the son Kan'an — who, despite the fact that his father is a Prophet of Allah, was not guided and died as a kafir.

When Nuh (peace be upon him) made dua to Allah: "O Allah, my son is from my family — Your promise is true that You will save my family," then Allah responded:

He is not from your family. He is an unrighteous deed — he does not have righteous actions. So do not ask Me regarding what you have no knowledge of. I warn you that you do not be among the ignorant ones. Allah is telling Nuh (peace be upon him) this.

So the role of the mother — we see that the father's role is limited. We cannot completely negate the role of the father by saying he has no role whatsoever, absolutely no influence. Of course he does. But the role of the mother is far greater and superior. May Allah give us this understanding — so that on one side we raise boys who have their heads screwed on right and understand the value of the Deen, and on the other hand we raise such daughters as well who will become beautiful mothers of the next generation.

The Four Greatest Women in Islam

Speaking of Asiya (peace be upon her) reminds me, and I will conclude with this hadith of Rasulullah (peace be upon him) where he said the best women of all times are four. He mentioned two from the previous generations and two from this Ummah. And these four women that he highlighted in this hadith each signify, portray, and personify one very outstanding trait. Four different women, representing four beautiful traits. They had many, many traits each — but they excelled in one trait each, for which they are most known.

1. Maryam bint Imran — Haya (Modesty)

The first one he mentioned was Maryam (peace be upon her), Maryam bint Imran, the mother of Isa (peace be upon him). Her most outstanding trait was her haya, her modesty — and how she protected herself and her chastity, such that even from childhood she was kept in seclusion and ibadah.

Her mother, when she was pregnant, made a vow to Allah — assuming it was a boy — saying: the boy I am carrying in my womb, I dedicate for Your sake to be an Imam and Alim of Masjid al-Aqsa. But when she delivered the baby, it was a girl. She could have logically said: oh, this girl is not going to become the Imam of Masjid al-Aqsa because she is a girl. But rather, Allah reversed the statement:

She said: "Oh, it's a girl." And Allah said: "I know better what you have delivered. وَلَيْسَ الذَّكَرُ كَالْأُنثَىٰ — the boy you wanted is nothing like the girl you actually got. She is far greater in rank than the boy you wanted." So she was doing ibadah growing up. Even when the angel came to give her the glad tidings:

She said: "I seek the protection of Allah from you — how is it that a stranger has come into my secluded place of worship?" That is her chastity and her modesty. So we have to inculcate haya in our daughters.

2. Asiya — Sabr (Patience at Times of Difficulty)

Number two is Asiya (peace be upon her), امْرَأَةُ فِرْعَوْنَ. Her outstanding quality is صَبْرٌ عَلَى الْمَصَائِبِ — patience at the time of difficulties. She accepted Islam despite being the most beloved queen of Fir'aun. She ended up suffering tortures and had a final torturous death, and she called out to Allah:

Allah gives the example for believing women till the Day of Judgment of the wife of Fir'aun: "O Allah, build for me a palace near You in Jannah, and save me from Fir'aun and his oppression, and save me from these tyrants." Allah saved her and took out her soul.

So no matter how difficult life will be for our daughters, whatever challenges they might face — if their husbands are not as kind or chivalrous — one particular parent brought his daughters and they were saying: the reason we want to get married to this non-Muslim man is because he actually opens the door of the car for us, he remembers us and buys gifts for us. They were literally impressed by this. So if your husband is not doing that, he is a bad husband — but he cannot be as bad as Fir'aun. He may be bad, but he is not as bad as Fir'aun. Asiya (peace be upon her) had so much sabr.

This is not giving license by any means for men to behave like Fir'aun — of course, I have to protect myself from being misunderstood. I am saying that on the side of sabr, she can make sabr like the wife of Fir'aun, and her rank will be elevated.

3. Khadijah al-Kubra — Khidmah (Service)

The third woman from this Ummah is Khadijah al-Kubra (may Allah be pleased with her). Her outstanding sifah is khidmah — service to her husband — such that Allah sent salaam upon her, and such that Rasulullah (peace be upon him) continued to remember her years and decades after she passed away. She passed away in the 10th year of Nubuwwah and he continued to remember her after that.

When Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said: "O Rasulullah, I am your young wife in your company — why do you remember that old woman who died so many years ago?" He said: "When I was penniless, she supported me with her money. When I had no one to believe in me, she believed in me. When everyone rejected me, she gave me refuge. When everyone else abandoned me, she was the one who supported me in the beginning. How can I ever forget her?" So khidmah — she gave all of her fortunes for the khidmah of the Deen. That is the attribute we learn from Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) and that we need to impart in our daughters.

4. Fatima bint Muhammad — Zuhd and Ibadah

And the fourth one is Fatima (may Allah be pleased with her), سَيِّدَةُ نِسَاءِ أَهْلِ الْجَنَّةِ, Fatima bint Muhammad (peace be upon him). Her most outstanding attribute is her zuhd — her asceticism — her taqwa and her ibadah. This is something we need to inculcate in our daughters: to be like Fatima (may Allah be pleased with her), to have that ibadah like Fatima.

Conclusion and Du'a

May Allah make it easy for us to work on these two fronts: that we make our young men understand what is the most important quality to look for in a wife, and not to be impressed and fall for outer beauty — and number two, to raise such daughters that will be beautiful wives and mothers.

May Allah make it easy for us in the coming wedding season — with all the weddings taking place in our community — that we continue to obey Allah at these happy moments, that we gain the pleasure of Allah and the blessings of Allah, and that we do not incur the wrath of Allah. May Allah make it a means of creating more happiness and beautiful children coming into this dunya, who will become a means of coolness of our eyes in this dunya and elevation of our status in the akhira.

وَآخِرُ دَعْوَانَا أَنِ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ