Understanding Emotional Intelligence: Lessons From The Quran And Sunnah

Emotional Intelligence in Islam

In the name of Allah, the most merciful and the most compassionate. Praise be to Allah, we praise Him, we seek His help, we ask His forgiveness, we believe in Him and we rely on Him, and we seek refuge in Allah from the evils of our souls, and from the badness of our actions. Whomsoever Allah guides, none is misguided, and whomsoever He leads astray, none can guide him.

And we bear witness that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that no partner has He. And we bear witness that our master and our prophet Muhammad is His servant and Messenger, and that he is a Messenger to Allah and to his people and to his companions.

In this day and age when artificial intelligence is a very hot topic amongst our discussions in the media and the news and the developments, I want to take a step back and speak about human intelligence. One is artificial, one is the natural — the natural human intelligence. And this natural human intelligence, one aspect of it which is measured by IQ is our cold rational ability for computation and being able to develop strategy, being able to use these abilities from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in terms of worldly material to become successful in the dunya. But even those whose goals and objectives are limited to the dunya, as Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, the dunya is the extent of their worldly knowledge — regarding the hereafter and success and failure, both of the hereafter they are unaware.

They have also come to the conclusion that a better predictor of success in the dunya — and then for the believer, more importantly, in the akhira — more than the IQ is the EQ, the emotional quotient. So one is the rational intelligence, the IQ, and one is the EQ, the emotional quotient. The emotional quotient is a grade of a person's emotional intelligence.

And the emotional intelligence that is currently being discussed in great detail, the importance of it, is something that is mentioned in great detail in the Qur'an, in the sunnah, and we have examples of our pious predecessors, of our salaf, how they manifested that, how they demonstrated that, how they taught that, how they encouraged it.

Defining Emotional Intelligence

To begin with, what is the definition of emotional intelligence? When we're speaking about emotional intelligence, what do we actually mean? Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage — to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions and also the emotions of others. SubhanAllah. How can we recognize our own emotions and recognize the emotions of others, what they are actually feeling at this moment? And how can we manage our emotions and how can we manage the emotions of those around us?

So these concepts are born out in our deen under the chapters of tazkiyatun nafs and husnul khuluq and developing hilm — forbearance. From our suluk perspective, from the ulema who focus on interpersonal relations, they define emotional intelligence as the hikmah — the wisdom of dealing with people and dealing with situations with balance, with sabr, and with understanding. How do we deal with people? How do we deal with situations? With balance, with sabr, and understanding.

Quranic Evidence for Emotional Intelligence

I want to quickly go through a few ayahs of the Qur'an and a few examples from Rasulullah ﷺ in the limited time we have.

First Ayah: Swallowing Anger and Forgiveness (Self-Awareness & Self-Control)

One example from the Qur'an — Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentions in Surah Ale-Imran, Ayah 134. Allah ta'ala says:

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says — those He is praising, in the longer context Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has promised Jannah for them. He says: وَالْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ — those who swallow their anger. وَالْعَافِينَ عَنِ النَّاسِ — and then they go beyond that and they forgive people. They swallow their own anger by not responding physically, by not responding verbally. The next step beyond swallowing one's anger is to forgive the individual, not to keep any grudges in the heart. And then, وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ — and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala loves those who go above and beyond in ihsan and do good.

The example given under this ayah in the tafsir is that a slave girl was bringing a drink for one of our salaf — Ali Zayn al-Abidin, rahimahullah, if I am not mistaken, or one of our salaf. And she dropped it and the whole thing spilled on him and around and it broke the glass. So his knee-jerk reaction, his human reaction, was that he was upset because the glass broke, the pitcher broke, all of it fell not only on the floor but on him as well.

So she recited this ayah: وَالْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ — and he said, كَظَمْتُ غَيْظِي — "I have swallowed my anger." Then she said, وَالْعَافِينَ عَنِ النَّاسِ — and those who forgive people. So he said, عَفَوْتُ عَنْكِ — "I have forgiven you." Then she said, وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ — and Allah loves those who do good. And he said, أَنْتِ حُرَّةٌ لِوَجْهِ اللَّهِ — "You are free for the sake of Allah." So this is an immediate, instant application and implementation of this ayah in his life upon being reminded.

Second Ayah: The Prophet's Gentleness (Empathy in Leadership)

The second ayah — we see Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala praising Rasulullah ﷺ. Ale-Imran, Ayah 159:

"Indeed it is a mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala upon you that you have become soft, you have been made soft for your companions. And if you were harsh-tongued and if you had a hard heart — if your heart was hard and if your tongue was sharp" — then Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is referring to the Sahaba who are ready to give their lives for Rasulullah ﷺ. Regarding these individuals who are giving their life, their property, their children, their wealth, their parents themselves — they are ready to sacrifice everything — Allah ta'ala is referring to them and saying, لَانْفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ — they would have abandoned you, they would have run away from you, they would have dispersed from you. If you were harsh-tongued, if you had a hard heart, then they would have abandoned you.

So this is reminding us in very clear terms about how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala made Rasulullah ﷺ a true leader and how much empathy and sympathy he had, and how this concept of emotional intelligence in leadership is truly manifested by Rasulullah ﷺ.

Third Ayah: Responding to Evil with Kindness (Wise Response)

That if people are responding to you, if people are behaving with you in a harsh manner, then respond to them with kindness. And if you continue in that behavior, فَإِذَا الَّذِي بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ — that one person, the person between you and him there is enmity — you will see, you will be able to conquer their heart. كَأَنَّهُ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمٌ — they will become your devoted friend.

So in these three ayahs, what do we see? The first ayah — swallowing one's anger. In modern emotional intelligence books, this is known as self-awareness and self-control. Allah ta'ala is speaking about that. When we see the second ayah, فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِّنَ اللَّهِ لِنْتَ لَهُمْ — how Rasulullah ﷺ was made soft for the ummah — currently in emotional intelligence, this is known as demonstrating empathy and demonstrating gentleness. And lastly, ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ — respond to their evil behavior in a kind manner — this is considered as the wise response to different situations.

Examples from the Sunnah

1. Anger Management

Let us see examples from the sunnah of Rasulullah ﷺ. The first one is the topic of anger management. How did Nabi ﷺ manage his anger? On one occasion, there were Sahaba who were engaged in wrestling matches and different competitions. So Nabi ﷺ came upon them, he saw them engaged in that, and he always would speak according to the present condition. So he saw that this is a competition, a wrestling match, and accordingly he advised the Sahaba:

"The true champion is not the one who merely overthrows his opponent in a match. But the true champion is the one who can control his nafs at the time of anger." SubhanAllah. So this is by itself a sufficient reminder for us about the importance of anger management from the shariah.

2. Balancing Emotional Expression

Then when it comes to balancing emotional expression — we have to express ourselves emotionally. We cannot hold everything in, all our emotions, and not express them at all. That will destroy us from inside. But there is also a limit of expressing it. Where is that balance?

We see Ibrahim, the son of Rasulullah ﷺ, passing away in his own lap — the lap of his father. And this was at that time the only living son of Rasulullah ﷺ. Qasim had passed away — Abu Qasim ﷺ's first son — and Tayyib, Tahir, and Abdullah, and then finally Ibrahim is passing away. And Rasulullah ﷺ is shedding tears. When a Sahabi asked, "O Rasulullah, you are crying — this is by the decree of Allah," he gave very brief, comprehensive words expressing the limits — what is permissible, what is impermissible:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1303)

"Verily the eyes are shedding tears. The heart is filled with grief. But with our tongue we will not utter any statements of complaint that will be displeasing to Allah." So expressing grief through the eyes by shedding tears — permissible. The heart feeling the grief — permissible. But using the tongue to make statements of objection and questioning the decree of Allah — impermissible. SubhanAllah.

3. Empathy in Da'wah

Number three is empathy in da'wah — put yourself in the other person's position and try out how you would feel, and then come back with what you think is the solution. Rasulullah ﷺ — a beautiful example — a young man said, "O Rasulullah, give me permission to commit zina." The Sahaba wanted to stop him — how dare you say something so disrespectful. But Rasulullah ﷺ called him close and he said, "Would you prefer this? Would you be okay with this? Would you be pleased with someone committing this act with your own mother?" He said, "No, Ya Rasulullah." So Rasulullah ﷺ then made du'a for him:

"O Allah, forgive his sins, purify his heart, and make him chaste." After that, he became the most chaste young man. So we see the empathy of Rasulullah ﷺ in da'wah.

Examples from the Pious Predecessors

Going on after Rasulullah ﷺ to the salaf — we see that Imam Abu Hanifa rahmatullahi alayhi, when he was insulted, SubhanAllah, he said: "If I am wrong, may Allah forgive me. If you are wrong, may Allah forgive you." It's not that: "If I am right, I will be rewarded and you are wrong so you will be destroyed." Or even: "If I am wrong, may Allah forgive me, and if you are wrong, may you be destroyed." Rather — may Allah forgive me if I am wrong, and may Allah forgive you if you are wrong.

Hasan al-Basri rahmatullahi alayhi said: "The intelligent person is not the one who only knows what's right and wrong. But the truly intelligent person is the one who has the knowledge of how to control himself when angry."

What Modern Psychology Says

And lastly, what do modern psychologists say? Daniel Goleman from Harvard said: "Emotional intelligence accounts for 80–90% of success in leadership and also in relationships, and it is more important than IQ." This is what I mentioned in the beginning. The APA — the American Psychological Association — states that emotional regulation increases satisfaction and reduces stress. A Harvard study in 2018 found that self-awareness and empathy correlate with long-term happiness and resilience.

Call to Action: Applying This in Our Lives

So how can we apply this — a call to action for us in our lives?

In family life, the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895; Ibn Majah, Hadith 1977)

"The best among you are those who are best with their family. And I am the best to my family."

In leadership:

(Al-Bayhaqi, Shu'ab al-Iman; reported via various chains)

"The true leader of people is the one who serves them."

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, in this day and age when there is so much anxiety and so much stress — global anxiety and depression has increased 25% post-pandemic. Look at this. When you go out on the street now, think about this: road rage has increased significantly, rising rates of anger, online aggression. So all of these things are happening around us, but Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given us such a beautiful deen that teaches us emotional intelligence so we can navigate all of these challenges. It is a part of taqwa, a part of iman.

"Indeed, successful is the one who purifies his nafs. Indeed, he is a great failure, the one who does not work on purifying his nafs."

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant us tazkiyah of our nafs, make us all intelligent — emotionally intelligent — human beings, and may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala resurrect us in the company of Rasulullah ﷺ.

Announcements

The big reminder of course is about the Jumu'ah Salat timings — they will be changing from next Friday due to daylight savings. So this session will not exist from next Friday. The first session will be from 12 o'clock and the second session will be from 1 o'clock, insha'Allah from next Jumu'ah.

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We have a Youth Night starting tonight for boys and girls ages 5 to 17 — activities, games, youth talk, refreshments — from 5:15 PM to 7:30 PM.

We also have a student dinner on Friday, November 7th. Save the date for the Annual Winter Intensives on December 20th–22nd.

Our weekly programs are as follows: Monday night — a podcast-style conversation with Mufti Azimuddin. Tuesday night — Tafsir. Thursday night — Salawat and Seerah program. Saturday Fajr. And there are also multiple Seerah sisters' programs.

Du'a Requests

Please remember the following in your du'as:

• Abdullah Hassan, 15 years old, will be undergoing open heart surgery.
• Brother Zakaullah Syed is suffering from critical health conditions.
• Du'a for shifa for Salama Mir — quick recovery.
• Du'a for shifa for Abu Akhtar Muhyiddin — admitted to hospital.
• Sister Akhtar Begum passed away in Hyderabad, India — du'a for her.
• Du'a for Gaza and the entire Muslim Ummah.

"O Allah, heal our sick and the sick among the Muslims. O Allah, have mercy on our deceased and the deceased among the Muslims. O Allah, grant victory to our oppressed brothers and sisters in Palestine."

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