Honoring Parents: A Reflection of Our Obedience to Allah

Birr al-Wālidayn — The Rights of Parents

My dear respected brothers and sisters in Islam, assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Last week we began the discussion on birr al-wālidayn, on the rights of parents — different ahadith of Rasulullah ﷺ and ayat of the Quran. Continuing with the same topic, Allah mentions:

Allah says: And your Lord — He has decreed that you should not worship anyone besides Him, and that you treat your parents with kindness. If either one or both of them reach old age in your care, do not say 'uff' to them, do not say even any minor word of annoyance, and do not rebuff them — but speak to them in a noble manner.

In this ayah, Allah brackets the rights of the parents immediately after His own right, under the same command. Likewise, Allah says:

Be grateful to Me, and be grateful to your parents. Right after the right of Allah of tawheed, right after the right of Allah of shukr, is the right of the parents.

A Sign of the Day of Judgment

Many times when we talk about this, we feel that yes, this is for our children — they need to fulfill our rights. "The children of today are so disobedient — this is one of the signs of the Day of Judgment." And indeed, Rasulullah ﷺ, in the famous Hadith of Jibreel, when Jibreel asked him about the Day of Judgment — when is it going to come? — Rasulullah ﷺ said:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 4)

The one who is being asked the question does not have more knowledge regarding it than the one who is asking. Meaning: I do not have the answer of exactly when the Day of Judgment is coming — and I know that you do not have the answer either. When Rasulullah ﷺ had been answering the previous questions, Jibreel عليه السلام kept saying sadaqta, sadaqta, sadaqta — "you have spoken the truth" — giving the impression that he already knew. So here Rasulullah ﷺ said: I don't know, and I know you do not know.

Then Jibreel عليه السلام said: akhbirnī 'an imārātihā — tell me regarding its signs. So Rasulullah ﷺ gave three signs. He said:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 4)

One sign is that a mother will give birth to her child, and that child will treat the mother as her slave. And another sign is that you will see those who are weak — shepherds, barefoot, with their sheep in the desert — competing with one another in erecting tall buildings. So one sign of the Day of Judgment is that children will be treating their parents as though their parents are their slaves.

We see this is so common today, and there are so many stories of parents who are crying tears of blood about the way their children are treating them.

The Root Cause — and the Solution

The first thing we can do is: we have to become obedient servants of Allah. The first way to instill the tarbiyah in our children so that they fulfill our rights is that we ourselves begin to fulfill the rights of Allah.

In fact, there is one hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ that is very instructive in this regard — it gives us a solution and at the same time is a warning. Rasulullah ﷺ said: whoever goes out of his way to please any creation of Allah, showing more loyalty to any creation, seeking their pleasure to such an extent that they end up disobeying Allah — the general principle in our deen, as it comes in the hadith:

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 1095)

There is no obedience to any creation of Allah that involves a disobedience of the Creator. So if we are trying to please any creation and we end up displeasing the Creator — whether it is our wife, our husband, our children, or even our parents — this is not acceptable. We cannot fulfill anyone's desires in such a manner that we are disobeying Allah.

And when Allah speaks about the rights of parents, He does give this very qualification:

We have given the command to human beings that they should treat their parents with kindness — his mother bore him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship. And then the limit is mentioned:

However, if they compel you to assign partners unto Allah, then do not obey them. So if this limit applies with respect to parents, then of course it applies with respect to children as well.

The warning in this hadith is clear: whoever goes out of his way to please any creation of Allah in such a manner that he ends up disobeying Allah, then this is a major sin. And one of the ill effects and punishments of this sin is that Allah will subjugate you and make you a slave of that very individual. You will have no freedom, no authority, no legitimacy — you will not be able to make any decision. Allah has made man a slave of Himself alone — but if you disobey your Rabb and prefer the love, affection, and loyalty to any creation over the right of Allah, then as the principle states:

وَالْجَزَاءُ مِنْ جِنْسِ الْعَمَلِ — the punishment is proportionate to the nature of the crime. Allah will subjugate you and make you a slave of those very children.

So this is something we can make tawbah about and look into our lives. When it comes to earning halal versus haram, when it comes to fulfilling the desires and shahawat of our children — are we crossing the line and disobeying Allah? If we make tawbah from this and we ourselves become righteous servants of Allah, that is the first step.

The Second Step — Becoming the Best Child to Our Own Parents

The second step is that we try our best for our aging parents — that we become the most loyal children to them. And the best way for our own children to learn how to treat us is by watching how they see us treating our own parents. As the well-known saying goes: children listen with their eyes more than their ears. No matter what speech we give them, what lecture we give them, what advice we give them — that has very minimal impact. What is far more impactful is what they see.

And whenever we talk about the rights of parents, everyone focuses on our kids and how they are treating us — but very rarely do we focus on ourselves: how are we treating our own parents? We may not be answering them back to their face, we may not be as visibly disrespectful as our children are to us. So we live in this illusion that we are fulfilling their rights. But the truth is far from that.

The Story of the Man Carrying His Mother

There was a person who carried his mother on his back and made tawaf of the Ka'bah. He had carried her not just for the tawaf — he had carried her from his home, through the desert, all the way there. He was carrying his mother and making tawaf in the heat, through all of that mujahadah. He asked Abdullah ibn Umar رضي الله عنه, who was present there: "O Abdullah ibn Umar, do you think I have come close to fulfilling the right of my mother?" He replied: "What kind of question is that? You have not even given compensation for one contraction of her labor." SubhanAllah.

Abdullah ibn Umar's Own Practice

This same Abdullah ibn Umar رضي الله عنه wasn't just preaching — his own practice was exemplary as well. He was once traveling and came across a random Bedouin — not some great chieftain or tribal leader, just a random Bedouin. He took off his turban from his head and gave it to him. Then he gave him his ride — his donkey — and began walking himself. Someone asked: "Who is this Bedouin that you've given your ride, given your clothes — literally the turban off your back?" He then narrated this hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 45, Hadith 12)

Among the greatest form of birr — of showing kindness to one's parents — is that a man maintains relations with the friends of his deceased parents. "And this man had some relationship with my father, Umar ibn al-Khattab رضي الله عنه."

Stories of the Salaf's Devotion

We have the story of another one of the Salaf who, with great respect, would prepare the meal for his mother, serve it to her, and stand in full attendance the entire time while she ate. Someone asked him: "Why do you not join your mother in the meal? You always present it, then stand, and then eat something else." He said: "I am so afraid that perhaps while eating, my mother may glance at a particular morsel — because the food is not uniform, there is meat, there are vegetables, there is rice, all kinds of things — and she glances at a piece intending to eat it next. But what if, before she reaches for it, my hand goes there first and I take it?" SubhanAllah. This is the level of consideration they had for their parents.

The stories go on. Khamas ibn Hassan, رحمه الله, one time saw a scorpion enter a hole while he was visiting his parents. He put his own finger into the hole until the scorpion stung him. When he was asked why in the world he did such a thing, he said: "I was afraid that if I walked away, the scorpion might come out later and potentially bite my mother."

Two Simple Solutions

The point of all of these stories is this: if we are complaining about the way our children are treating us, there are two simple solutions we can focus on.

Number one: We become the most righteous slave of Allah. Then Allah will free us from the subjugation we are experiencing — from being hijacked by our own children, from being hostages in our own homes, from the pain so many parents are crying about. If we become true servants of Allah, He will grant us freedom.

Number two: We become the best children to our own parents. Let it not be like the man whose elderly father was spilling his food, shaking hands, making a mess at the dinner table — going through Alzheimer's — and the son said: "You're destroying our family meal. We're all having dinner together and you're making my life difficult." So he set up a separate place for his father out in the back. "We'll send your food there; you can eat there." Later, he saw his own young son playing with Lego blocks, building a little house with an outhouse in the back. He asked: "Is that a tool shed? A dog house?" The boy replied: "No — this is my house, and that is the place where I will put you, just as you put grandfather in the back."

May Allah give us tawfiq — instead of complaining only about how our kids are, let us work on these two aspects. May Allah give me and you and all of us tawfiq to make amal.

وَآخِرُ دَعْوَانَا أَنِ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ

Announcements

We have a janaza immediately after the salah. We request all brothers and sisters to join us. The deceased is Brother Sardar Rafid Durrani, رحمه الله — husband of Nadira Durrani, and father to Farheen, Anaf, and Sabine Durrani.

This will take place before the sunnah — immediately after the final salah, please proceed to the gymnasium. Sisters may proceed to the basement banquet hall. By the time everyone prays sunnah and goes, it will be too late, so please proceed directly. The burial will be at Bluff City Cemetery, directly following the janaza.

Please give sadaqah — acts of charity in times of calamity draw the mercy of Allah.

May Allah grant him forgiveness. Jazakumullah khayran.