Islam's Divine Decree: Honoring Parents And The Elderly

Honoring the Elderly and the Rights of Parents

The ulema mentioned that one of the clearest measures to determine the morality of any civilization — how moral they are, or conversely, how immoral they are — is how this civilization treats its elderly. And the deen of Islam, the culture of Islam, as it is the revealed way of life sent by Allah, naturally it is the most moral civilization. And naturally, it is the civilization that places the greatest emphasis on the treatment of the elderly, compared to any other culture, any other civilization.

In our deen, there is such a great emphasis not only on honoring parents or grandparents, but beyond that, respect of the elders is something which is imbibed within our culture. And this is something, unfortunately, with the dominant culture here, we are not slowly losing, but very rapidly — it is evaporating from our family life. May Allah protect us.

The modern society glorifies youth, strength, beauty, and productivity — speed, independence, efficiency — and how much money you can make, how beautiful you are. So as a result, many of the elders feel forgotten, they feel abandoned, isolated, and having no worth, no value. Whereas it is the opposite in our deen.

There are so many ahadith of Rasulullah ﷺ specifically mentioning the fadail and the virtues of being older, of white hair, of becoming a source of barakah, as Rasulullah ﷺ said:

Barakah and blessing is present with your elders. (Sahih Ibn Hibban, Hadith 559; also reported by al-Hakim in al-Mustadrak)

So instead of the elders being considered as a burden, as a liability, in our deen they are considered as a source of barakah, a source of blessing.

The Foundational Āyah: Sūrah al-Isrā

One of the ayat that is a foundational ayah in this regard — that I quoted from Sūrah al-Isrā — is a well-known ayah. Allah says:

Ibn Ashur in his tafsir al-Taḥrīr wa al-Tanwīr writes that Allah did not just recommend, did not just suggest, or say it's a good idea — in fact He did not just command. Amara is the verb for command. But rather He uses the verb qaḍā, which means it is a divine decree of Allah that cannot be questioned, that cannot be doubted, that cannot be ignored.

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ — And your Lord has decreed, has passed this qaḍā, this judgment — like the qāḍī passes a judgment in the court. أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ — That you must not worship anyone besides Him.

It starts off with tawḥīd, with His own right. وَتَعْبُدُوهُ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا — that you worship Him and assign no partner unto Him. And after mentioning His own right, immediately — without anything in between — Allah mentions the rights of parents: وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا — And treat your parents with iḥsān, with excellence.

Not what they deserve, which would have been ʿadl, but above and beyond what they deserve — that is iḥsān. The scholars of tafsir mention here that Allah, number one, mentions the rights of parents immediately after His own rights. But then on top of that, there is no shortage of vocabulary in the Arabic language, nor in the unseen knowledge of Allah. He could have brought a different verb, another verb of a lesser category. But rather, Allah brackets both with the conjunction wāw — under one single verb:

The same verb for both. And then Allah says: إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا — If one or both of them reach old age with you. Allah is highlighting that particular time when, from a material perspective, there is that age when they are providing, when they're earning, when they're taking care of you and your children. But then, as age progresses, it may reach such a point that they require more and more care from you. So it is at this point in time — when they are in such a position that they need your help and your assistance — that Allah asks: what is your behavior now? This is when the actual test begins.

فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ — Do not even dare say "uff." Uff is the word used here. There is no other word — it is the lightest verbal expression of irritation, the lightest word in the Arabic language expressing verbal irritation. The reason we highlight "verbal expression" is because there could be rolling of the eyes, a sigh, or making of a face — all of these are other forms of expressing irritation. But the lightest verbal expression is uff. And if this is decisively prohibited by Allah, then anything beyond that — بالأولى، بالدرجة الأولى — it will most definitely be ḥarām.

وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا — of course, beyond that, do not scold them. وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا — speak to them in a noble manner. So service of parents is not only an obligation, but service with nobility — in a noble manner — is an obligation.

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ — And lower in front of them the wings of humility. And make this duʿāʾ:

O Allah, shower Your mercy upon them the way they raised me when I was young. The purpose of the duʿāʾ is also to remind ourselves that the level of ikrām, the level of honor the parents deserve, is something that should be natural — هَلْ جَزَاءُ الْإِحْسَانِ إِلَّا الْإِحْسَانُ — Is there anything that could be the compensation for iḥsān, other than iḥsān itself? For kindness, other than kindness?

So, lowering the wing of humility — what does that mean? وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ — it is like a bird lowering its wings. The beauty of this taʿbīr, of this particular verbiage and choice of words by Allah, shows that the humility we display in front of the parents is not from weakness — it is a humility that is born out of love. May Allah give us the reality of this.

The Second Āyah: Sūrah Luqmān — Gratitude to Allah and to Parents

The second ayah I wanted to quote in this regard is where Allah says:

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ — We have enjoined upon the human being — and We have given waṣiyyah. Waṣiyyah, as you may know in common language, is when a person is passing away, the final advice he gives to his loved ones — this is called a waṣiyyah. Because it is a very strong advice. It is a very passionate advice. It is something that is coming from his heart. These are the last words he is sharing with his loved ones. Likewise Allah says: We have made this waṣiyyah, and We have enjoined upon the human being — بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ — to take care of his parents.

Then Allah mentions the sacrifice of the mother. حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ — His mother is the one who carried him, weakness upon weakness. In these brief words, Allah is speaking about a whole series of pains that the mother went through — whether it was the nausea in the first trimester, whether it was the aches and pains as her whole body is going through this transformation, the back pain, the ligaments stretching, all of this. Weakness upon weakness. Pain upon pain. وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ — And then she is nursing the baby up to two years.

And then Allah says: أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ — So be grateful to Me and to your parents. Again the scholars mention the same point we already covered before — that over here Allah brackets the parents right after His own right, and He does not repeat the verb. He brackets them under the same verb: أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى — Be thankful to Me — وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ — and to your parents.

In fact, these two commands are not only independent of one another — that we should be thankful to Allah and also thankful to parents. Rather, one is contingent upon the other. The thankfulness of Allah can never be achieved for a person who cannot thank his own parents.

For example, if there are two commands in the Quran — أَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَآتُوا الزَّكَاةَ — establish Salāh and discharge Zakāh — these are two independent commands. It is possible for a person to be diligent in Salāh but not discharge Zakāh. It is also possible that a person discharges Zakāh but does not pray Salāh. One is a financial ibādah, one is a physical ibādah. They are not contingent upon one another; one is not a condition for the other.

But over here, the thankfulness of Allah can never be fulfilled without the thankfulness of one's parents first. It is like "make wuḍū and perform Salāh" — a person's Salāh is not valid without wuḍū. Why is it that a person who fails the test of thankfulness to the parents can never pass the test of thankfulness to Allah? It is because one is a prerequisite of the other. The prerequisite of thanking Allah is that a person has to thank his parents.

Just like in academics, one course is a prerequisite for another. You cannot pass calculus without completing algebra 1, algebra 2, trigonometry, and geometry — only then can you do calculus. These are prerequisites. If you want to sign up for a course in college, you have to fulfill the prerequisites for that course. So a prerequisite for thanking Allah is thanking one's parents.

Why is it a Prerequisite? The Test of the Visible and the Invisible

One question remains: why is it a prerequisite? Or how is it a prerequisite? The explanation is also very obvious — and that is that one is the test of something which is mushāhad, visible; and the other is a test of that which is ghayb, invisible. The fact that the parents are serving us, taking care of us, is mushāhad — visible. And the fact that Allah is our Rabb and He is the Rabbul ʿĀlamīn is invisible.

So the one who is failing in the test of the mushāhad will most definitely fail in the test of the ghayb — because he failed the easier one. If somebody failed algebra 1, there is no way he is going to pass calculus. So a person has to pass algebra 1, algebra 2, trigonometry, geometry, then pre-calculus, and then potentially he may pass calculus. So if a person is passing the test of being thankful for those that are visible, then inshāAllah it can be hoped that this individual will potentially pass in the test of shukr to the Being who has kept Himself invisible. Allahu Akbar.

This is not limited to parents alone, but Rasulullah ﷺ said:

Whoever cannot thank a fellow human being can never be thankful to Allah. (Sunan Abī Dāwūd, Hadith 4811; also reported in Musnad Aḥmad)

We gloss over this hadith many times. And if you ask anybody what this hadith means, they will say: "Yes, I understand — we thank Allah, and we also have to thank one another." That's fine, that's the truth, but it's not the whole truth. It's nothing but the truth — there is no lie in what was said — but it's not the whole truth. Rasulullah ﷺ is not simply saying that thanking fellow human beings and thanking Allah are both commands. He is saying something above and beyond that. He is saying that مَنْ لَمْ يَشْكُرِ النَّاسَ — if you cannot thank a fellow human being, which is the test of mushāhad, that which is visible — لَمْ يَشْكُرِ اللَّهَ — you will never be able to thank Allah, who has kept Himself invisible. SubḥānAllah.

So any claim of taqwā, or piety, or shukr of Allah by an individual who is neglecting the most visible manifestation of love and mercy in this world — the parents — then that person is in a delusion. He is totally in some high level of delusion set by Shayṭān and the nafs. May Allah remove us from that.

The Cycle of Life

There are other ayat that I wanted to cover, but I want to conclude with one last reminder — wherein Allah speaks about the cycle of life:

Allah is the One who brought you forth into this world when you were weak — very, very weak. So weak that, just to make a point and to shock the students, I say: if you take a newborn baby and put it right on the edge of the bed, or right on the edge of the stairs, right on the edge of a cliff, you actually don't have to worry. It's perfectly safe. Of course this is meant to shock people — they say, "What in the world are you talking about? You're saying putting on the edge?" I say, "Yeah, it's actually quite safe." I'm not saying go ahead and do this. But the reason it's so safe is because he can't even turn over. He can't move. He can't go anywhere. SubḥānAllah, that is how weak you were.

And then one of the great milestones that the parents celebrate — and hopefully not necessarily posting on social media — is: "Oh, now the baby turned over! Now the baby can begin to crawl!" You couldn't move anywhere, so you were quite safe. Obviously we're not encouraging people to actually do that — because you can move, but somebody could rock the bed, you could fall off; some older sibling could kick you; the potential energy could turn into kinetic energy. But the point of the example is, SubḥānAllah, that is how weak you were.

خَلَقَكُم مِّن ضَعْفٍ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنۢ بَعْدِ ضَعْفٍ قُوَّةً — then after the weakness, there is a short, transient period of time of quwwah — physical strength, cognitive ability, productivity. ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنۢ بَعْدِ قُوَّةٍ ضَعْفًا وَشَيْبَةً — then after that, once again, the weakness will come. يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَآءُ ۖ وَهُوَ ٱلْعَلِيمُ ٱلْقَدِيرُ — SubḥānAllah, He creates how He wishes. He is the One who has all knowledge, all power. This is the cycle of life.

If you look at the baby section in the stores and then look at the pharmacy side — you will see diapers for babies, and there may be adult diapers. You will have baby food for babies who do not have teeth, and then you have nutritional supplements for adults who do not have teeth. Every single thing is repeated. If you have a stroller for the baby who cannot walk — a device you push with four wheels — on the other side you have the wheelchair, also a device with four wheels. The entire cycle of life is repeating.

And Allah actually mentions cognitive decline, dementia and Alzheimer's as well:

SubḥānAllah. Allah says: Some of you will be given such a long life until he reaches that stage where he does not have any knowledge anymore — indefinite in the original Arabic, nakirah. If the children are babbling and it is hard to understand what they are speaking, a person at that advanced age may also be difficult to understand. But the difference is that the parents consider that the baby is cute and they are enjoying the time — whereas these very children may now be annoyed by those parents.

Like in the famous poem of Akbar Ilāhābādī, he mentions the story of the man with the crow. A man was sitting in the courtyard with his son, and he asked, "Betā, woh kya hai?" — "My son, what is that?" His son said, "It's a crow." Then after a few moments he asked again, "My son, what is that?" He said, "Baba, that's a crow." And the third time he asked, the son got upset and said, "How many times are you asking me the same question? That is a crow!"

So the old man said, "Hold on." He went out and got his old diary, flipped it back thirty years, and read: "Today I was sitting with my son in the courtyard and my son said, 'Baba, what is that?' I said, 'It's a crow.' Then a little while later he said, 'Baba, what is that?' I said, 'It's a crow.' My son asked me 27 times, 'What is that?' — and every time I replied, 'It is a crow.'"

SubḥānAllah — this is the love the parents have for the children, and this is the way the children sometimes ignore the parents.

Perhaps next week, if I get the chance, I will go to the second part of the khutbah where I was going to share some statistics from the World Health Organization and others about the whole pandemic of elder abuse and the pandemic of loneliness. It is very, very scary and thought-provoking information — to see on one side what our deen teaches us.

The man who was making tawāf — physical tawāf around the Kaʿbah — holding his mother on top of his shoulders, going around the Kaʿbah, asked: "Have I fulfilled the right of my mother?" The response given was: You have not compensated for even the one pang she felt during delivery — one contraction. You haven't fulfilled the right of one contraction or one ounce of her milk, and you think you have fulfilled her full rights?

So this is our tradition, and this is the elder abuse that is happening around us. May Allah protect us and allow us to fulfill the rights of our parents.

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