The Three Categories of Human Relationships in Islam

Jumu'ah Khutbah — The Three Categories of Human Relationships

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah. Peace and blessings be upon His chosen servants.

Allah, the Exalted, said in the final revelation — after we seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Satan, in the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful:

On that day, some of them will leave one another as enemies — except the righteous.

Allah, the Exalted, said — on the day when the wrongdoer will bite upon his hands, he will say:

Oh, I wish I had chosen a way with the Messenger! Oh, woe to me! I wish I had not chosen such and such as my friend!

Sadaqallahul Adheem.

My dear respected brothers and sisters, respected elders, young students, and friends. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

We Are Social Beings

Allah, the Exalted, has made us as human beings such of His creation that — in general, with few exceptions — we mix with other human beings, we live in a society, and we are members of a community. The anthropologists say that man is a social animal. Na'udhu billah, we are not animals from an Islamic perspective.

We are Ashraful Makhluqat — the best of the creation of Allah. As Allah says:

We have honored the children of Adam, alayhi salam.

But the first part is true — that we, by and large, except for certain circumstances where an individual may be extremely introverted, do live as part of society and as members of communities. In the other creation of Allah, there are other animals we see who also have communities, families, tribes, herds, and groups. And then there are some types of animals that lead solitary lives. Since the scientists consider the human being — the homo sapien — to be just one form of animal, they will say this is similar to how the elephants have their families, the lions have their pride, the fish also have their schools. So likewise, humans also have families. Na'udhu billah, but we are far above and beyond that.

So since we are going to interact with people, there are those that we do not choose, and there are those that we do choose.

The Three Categories of Relationships

First Category: Blood Relatives

When it comes to our family — the nasabi relations, the blood relations — we do not choose them. This is what Allah has given us. No one selects their parents, their grandparents, their uncles, their cousins. The blood relations are given by Allah.

Then, when it comes to the relations through marriage, marriage inherently is something that Allah has given us a choice in. Allah says:

Two types of relatives you have: nasaban — the blood relatives — and sihran — those relationships through marriage, the in-laws. This is the second type of relatives that we have, and over here Allah has given us some choice. And then the third type of people that we interact with are our friends that we choose — whose company we prefer in our free time.

When it comes to the first category — the relatives — we have very clear commandments from Allah. The blood relatives: we have to fulfill their rights. And their rights have been mentioned extensively in the Qur'an and in the sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Starting with, of course, the most important one: none other than the parents.

Allah has decreed that you worship none besides Him — and that you must treat your parents with ihsan, going above and beyond. This is the strongly worded command. وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ — it is the decree of your Lord. It is not just a recommended act, or a preferable act, or a voluntary act, or extra credit. No, that is not the case. It is the decree.

And what is key here, and why I was emphasizing the verb wa qadaa, is because bracketed under the same verb — with the same level of emphasis — Allah says: وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا — and you must treat your parents with ihsan. To give what is due is 'adl; to give beyond what is due is ihsan. If a person feels he has been wronged, to take revenge is 'adl, and to forgive and bear no grudges — that is ihsan.

Allah had no limitation on His vocabulary, nor any limitation on the number of words He could use. The Arabic language is very rich. He could have brought another verb — amara, or awsa, or another — but Allah did not do so. He bracketed both under the same command. Just as it is His right that you worship none besides Him, likewise it is the obligation that you treat your parents with kindness.

Not only did He do this here, but with respect to parents, a parallel structure is found where He brackets the command of being grateful to the parents along with being grateful to Him:

Be grateful to Me, and to your parents — in the same breath. SubhanAllah.

Scholars of tafsir and scholars of hadith point this out when explaining the ayah — it is bracketed under the same command. Just as when they explain the hadith they say that following the sunnah of the Prophet and the sunnah of his rightly guided Khulafa is bracketed under the same command. So this is the right of the parents. Then the rights of siblings, children, and relatives in general — silat al-arham, fulfilling the ties of kinship.

A person has to ensure that those rights are fulfilled. And if he does not fulfill them, then he cannot simply rely on seeking forgiveness from Allah alone — saying, "O Allah, forgive me for violating my parents' rights, my children's rights, my siblings' rights." Rather, he has to go and seek forgiveness from the one whose rights he has violated. Many times we violate people's rights, and then when we have a moment to reflect and have regret, we seek forgiveness from Allah. That is great, but it is not the end of it. We have to actually seek forgiveness from the one whose rights we have violated.

As it comes in the hadith regarding ghibah:

(Referenced in various hadith collections; see Shu'ab al-Iman of al-Bayhaqi)

Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said: al-ghibatu ashaddu min al-zina — Ghibah is worse than adultery. The Sahaba said: "Ya Rasulallah, how in the world can ghibah and backbiting be worse than adultery?" He said: A person, if he commits zina and does sincere tawbah, then Allah will accept his tawbah. However, the one who committed the act of ghibah — there is no tawbah for him until the one who is the victim of the ghibah, the one whose rights he violated by backbiting, forgives him.

But we do not have to give the details. We just have to say: "If I ever violated your rights, if I said something wrong, please forgive me." One person came up to me and said, "Mufti sahib, mujhe maaf karna, humne aapki ghibah ki" — Forgive me, I did your ghibah. I said, may Allah forgive me and forgive you — it's okay. He said, "baine bohot ghibah ki." I said, it's okay. He said, "ne ne ne, bohot bohot, bohot zyada — bohot zyada ghibah." I said, relax, it's okay, you don't have to tell me.

This is not the Catholic Church, where you have to go to the priest — the father — and confess all your sins, and somehow he is vested with authority by the Pope, who is so-called vested by authority from God — na'udhu billah — to be able to forgive you. But we do not have to admit like that. We just say: "If I ever said something wrong, if I ever violated any of your rights, please forgive me." So in any case, this is with respect to the family.

Second Category: Spouses and In-Laws

Then the second category — as we said — was the wives, and the husband for the woman who are listening. So this one, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us: you have some choice, so make sure you marry someone who has deen.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1466)

A woman is typically married due to four things: li maliha — her wealth; wa li jamaliha — her beauty; wa li nasabiha — her family; wa li diniha — her deen. Some women are married because of their wealth, some because of their beauty, some because of their family, and some for their deen. Fathar bid-hat al-deen — be successful by marrying the woman of deen. It is not only going to be for your temporary, immediate needs — physical and emotional — to be fulfilled. Look beyond that. Look beyond that to who will be, insha'Allah, the mother of your children. Who will raise your children? The lap of the mother is the first school of your children.

And subhanAllah, the Sahaba had so much wisdom and foresight — sometimes not only looking for their own benefit, but even for their siblings. Like Jabir ibn Abdullah r.a., when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam asked him: "Did you marry?" He said, "I got married, Ya Rasulallah." The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, "Did you get married to a young virgin or an older widow?" He said, "No, I married an older, previously married woman." The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, "You are so young — you could have married a virgin just like you are." So he said, "Ya Rasulallah, my father passed away and became a shaheed." They were both fighting to participate in Uhud. The father and son were arguing — one had to stay back. They finally agreed to draw lots. The father's name came out, so he went and became shaheed. Now he had all these sisters at home. So he said, "If I marry another young girl, then she will sit and play with my sisters — they will all have fun together. But who is going to take care of the home? Mudabbiratul manzil — who is going to arrange the things at home and be the homemaker? I need a homemaker, I need an experienced woman who can run the family and make tarbiyah of my sisters, because they have lost the guardianship and care of our father."

This was the wisdom of a young sahabi in the time of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Marry the woman of deen, and this will be the way to your success. So we have to have this as a major concern when it comes to who we are marrying.

Another factor — and as there are many youth sitting here — there is a culture nowadays in America that people just look at the individual only. If there is a man who is looking to get married, he may be obsessed with physical beauty, for example. And if the parents want to talk about looking at the family or other related factors, he completely dismisses that. He says, "I don't care about the family, I'm just going to marry the girl, so I couldn't care less about her family." And likewise on the girl's side — they look just at the potential groom. "This person is good for me," or he's earning well — "I don't care about his family."

But what we learn from our deen is that the family does have a very, very important role. And this is the wisdom of our elders, and it is there for a particular reason. There are so many anthropological and psychological studies that show that between the factors of nature and nurture — genetic makeup versus environmental factors — how much the environment that a person grows up in impacts their culture, their behavior. That will have a lasting impact and effect on how they view the world, how they interact, how they will behave as a future spouse, as a parent.

There are studies where they take twins — identical twins — who came from the same union, the closest genetic makeup between any two human individuals — and they study how growing up in different environments impacts how much the environment shapes their future lives, their behavior, their morals, their character. So the environment a person grows up in is something we have to always take into consideration and cannot ignore. And it would be foolishness to ignore that. So this is with respect to the second category.

Third Category: Friends

When it comes to the friends, then there are many ahadith about this as well. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 4833; Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2378)

A person — whether he accepts it or not, whether he thinks he is immune from the effects of his friends or not — the reality is, at the end of the day, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam very clearly stated: al-mar'u 'ala dini khalilihi — a person will be on the deen of his friend. Therefore, he warned us: look, the man — a man or a woman, a person, an individual — will be on the deen of his friend. So what? Fal yanzur ahadukum man yuhalil — so be careful, be watchful, consider all the factors before you make someone your friend. Ponder, reflect, make a correct decision about who you make your friend — because his deen will rub off on you. That is for sure.

And if the friendship is not based on taqwa, not based on inviting one another towards the deen — as is the sifah and the attribute of the believers — then Allah says:

The believing men and the believing women — they are supporters, helpers, and aides for one another. What do they help each other in? They invite one another towards righteous deeds and they forbid one another from sins. This is the true friendship.

And if that is not the case, then all of the other friendships will become a means of regret and hasrah wa nadamah — a person will lament himself for having adopted such friends. In fact, they will end up becoming one's enemies. Because Allah says:

All the friends that a person had in this world — al-akhilla', the plural of khalil — the strongest form of friendship is the khalil. The khalil is not just a rafiq. A rafiq would be like someone that you spend some time with, your companion — it could be a rafiq that you got on a plane, sitting next to you, so he is your rafiq in that safar, rafiqul safar. Just like the spouse is a rafiqul safar — safar meaning the whole hayat, the journey of life. Your rafiq in the journey of life is your spouse. But the khalil is stronger than that.

All these khulalla — all these strong friends — on that day will become enemies of one another. It is very sad, very — you might say — morbid. But Allah then says: except for those whose friendship was based on taqwa. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a positive ending to what may start off as a negative statement. All these beautiful, strong friends will become enemies — illa al-muttaqeen — except if the friendship is based on taqwa. So we have to have friendship based on taqwa. Otherwise it will be detrimental for us.

And a person on the Day of Judgment — Allah says, the zalim, the one who committed transgressions in this worldly life — he will be chewing up his fingers. Not only biting his nails, but chewing his fingers. Anamil are the tops of the fingers, asabi' are the fingers, and then yad goes all the way to the armpit.

He will say: "Oh, I wish I had adopted the path of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam! Oh, woe to me! I wish I had not made so-and-so as my friend!"

The story of Uqbah ibn Abi Mu'ayt and Ubay ibn Khalaf — that is in the Qur'an. That is the sabab al-nuzul, the cause of revelation for this story from Surah al-Furqan. It is a long story — we do not have time — but this ayah is general. Al-'ibratu li 'umumi al-lafz la li khusus al-sabab — we take the lesson from the generality of the ayah, and we do not limit it to the specific condition that led to the revelation. So this is the condition of the wrongdoer who chose the wrong friend.

The Example of Uthman ibn Affan and the Power of Good Company

On the other hand, if you have a good friend — like Uthman ibn Affan r.a. The scholars of Sira mention that he was from Banu Umayyah, and the Banu Umayyah — the majority of them died as mushrikun, fighting against Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Those who did accept Islam — Abu Sufyan and Mu'awiyah ibn Abi Sufyan — accepted Islam way later, after the Fath of Makkah. And Allah said:

Those who accepted Islam after Fath of Makkah can never equal those who accepted Islam before. The ones who accepted Islam before Fath of Makkah — their status is much loftier, much higher in the eyes of Allah. They accepted Islam during the difficult times, not when it was easy.

But there is one big exception from the Banu Umayyah, and that is Uthman ibn Affan. And Uthman ibn Affan r.a. did not accept Islam right before Fath of Makkah, nor after the Hijrah, nor before the Hijrah — but way in the beginning. In fact, he is among the sabiqun al-awwalun — the early predecessors — who accepted Islam amongst the first four or five Sahaba. You have Khadijah r.a., Ali r.a., Abu Bakr r.a., and then after that: Uthman ibn Affan, Talhah ibn Ubaydullah, Zubayr ibn al-Awwam, and Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas.

How is this related to our topic? It is because the reason his trajectory in life was contrary to the norm in his family was because of his friendship with Abu Bakr r.a. He was a very close friend with Abu Bakr r.a. — they used to spend time together. Just as Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was in the Cave of Hira contemplating over the condition of Makkah — how all of this oppression and the worship of idols could come to an end — Abu Bakr and Uthman r.a. used to sit together in their home and do the same contemplation and concern.

So when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was granted prophethood and he shared that with Abu Bakr r.a., who accepted Islam immediately, Abu Bakr went to Uthman's house — where they used to sit together — and said: "You know, we have been wondering what the solution to the problems of the Quraish is. Allah has granted us the solution. He has selected our friend Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to be His Prophet." And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam then knocked on the door. When Uthman saw him, he said: "O Muhammad, you have come here?" He said: "Yes, I have come here, O Uthman, to give you the glad tidings that Allah has made Jannah obligatory for you." So the first day he accepted Islam, he received the basharah of Jannah. That was the starting point.

SubhanAllah — he became an early muhajir, an early Sahabi. He became twice the son-in-law of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam — marrying Ruqayyah and then Umm Kulthum. He became the third khalifah of Islam. His entire biography is there — volumes have been written. And it all goes back to his friendship. He had the right friend.

Conclusion

So may Allah give us tawfiq to adopt the right friends. The relatives we have — we do not choose them — so let us fulfill their rights. The spouses and in-laws — we have the opportunity to choose them — so let us choose the right ones. And the friends — we have the opportunity to choose as well — so let us choose the right ones and avoid the wrong ones. May Allah allow us to fulfill the rights of all three of these categories.

As we cannot divorce ourselves from society — we have to live in society and fulfill the rights of those around us. Let us make this our aim and our concern.

Announcements

Please pass your donation boxes from the left side to the right side. Please donate generously for the masjid expenses. Sadaqah on the day of Friday is greater in reward than any other day, as mentioned in the hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

Please note that we should not park on the curbs. There are some semi-trucks in the parking lot today — please note that trucks are not permitted on the parking lot because the pavement has not been designed for that weight. There is a sign that no trucks are allowed. Please ensure that you do not bring 18-wheeler semi-trucks.

Masjid Dar-ul-Islam will be hosting its annual Hajj seminar this Sunday, June 4th, after Dhuhr Salah. Mufti Haroon Firdausi and Mawlana Yusuf Ghouth — two of the respected hadith teachers here at Dar-ul-Islam — will deliver a detailed presentation about Makkah, Madinah, the Haramayn, the rites of Hajj and Umrah, a lecture on the spiritual dimensions of the journey, practical tips to make the journey easy, and an in-depth Q&A regarding the fiqh of Hajj.

Many people who are going for Hajj should attend. Those amongst your family and friends who may be going should be invited as well — particularly since Hajj groups are no longer arranged as before, and you now have to go through the Nusuk app from the Saudi government. You may not have a guide with you on the journey. So it is even more imperative that we learn before we go out on this major obligation — this pillar of our deen, this journey of a lifetime.

Join us for our weekly programs. Team Fajr will be continuing on Saturdays after Fajr — insha'Allah, Fajr Iqamah at 4:45. This is a tazkiyah talk followed by breakfast. Tafsir of Surah al-Hajj continues on Tuesdays after Maghrib with Mufti Ali Muddin. Our Deen Intensive class is starting June 20th. All the summer programs for the children and further details are available on the website.

Our dear brother Anwar Siddiqui — a very strong volunteer here at Darul Islam — is undergoing surgery next Thursday. Please make du'a that Allah grant him shifa', and for whatever issues he is facing, that Allah grant him complete cure through this surgery, insha'Allah.

And our brother Nadeem — his father had a cardiac arrest yesterday and is still in the hospital. Please make du'a for his speedy recovery. May Allah grant him shifa'.

Second Khutbah

All praise is due to Allah — the Most High in essence, the Most Magnificent in attributes, the All-Hearing of all that is heard, the Most Great in majesty, the Most Exalted in power, the Most Elevated in remembrance, the Most Supreme in command, the Most Majestic in proof, the Most Tremendous in name, the Most Abundant in knowledge, the Most Expansive in forbearance, the Most Plentiful in forgiveness, the Most Beautiful in praise, the Most Generous in giving, the Most Responsive to supplication, the Most Universal in benevolence, the Swiftest in reckoning, the Most Severe in punishment, the Most Knowledgeable in chastisement, the Most Mighty in authority.

And we bear witness that there is no god but Allah, alone, and there is no partner for Him in creation and commandment. And we bear witness that our master and our Prophet Muhammad is His servant and His messenger — the one sent to all of humanity, the one exalted by the opening of his chest and the raising of his remembrance. Peace and blessings be upon him, and his family, and his companions — who are the purest of the Arabs and the best of creation after the prophets.

As for what follows: O people, unify with Allah — for tawhid is the head of obedience. And fear Allah — for the fear of Allah is the foundation of all good. Adhere to the sunnah — for the sunnah guides to obedience, and whoever obeys Allah and His messenger is guided aright. And beware of bid'ah — for innovation leads to disobedience, and whoever disobeys Allah and His messenger is misguided and lost. And hold to the truth — for the truth saves and the lie destroys. And do good — for Allah loves those who do good. And do not despair of the mercy of Allah — for He is the Most Merciful of the merciful. And do not love this world — for you will be among the losers. Unquestionably, a soul will not die until it has completed its sustenance — so fear Allah, and be beautiful in supplication, and put your trust in Him, for He is the Most Merciful of the merciful.

Sadaqallahul Adheem. Barakallahu lana wa lakum fil Qur'anil Adheem, wa nafa'ana wa iyyakum bima fihi min al-ayati wal-dhikhril hakim. Aqulu qawli hadha wa astaghfirullaha li wa lakum wa li sa'iril muslimin. Fastaghfiruhu innahu huwwal ghafurur rahim.

O servants of Allah — may Allah have mercy on you — indeed Allah commands justice, ihsan, and giving to relatives, and He forbids immorality, wrongdoing, and transgression. He admonishes you so that you may take heed.

Remember Allah, the Most High, the Most Great — He will remember you. Call upon Him — He will respond to you. And the remembrance of Allah is the highest, the most worthy, the most honored, the most complete, the most important, the most magnificent, and the most supreme. And Allah knows what you do. Establish the prayer.