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The Prophet and Women

Speaker: Shaykh Mohammed Faqih

Event: AlMaghrib Institute | IlmFest 2011

Topic: How the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) Treated Women

Opening Remarks

This session is about what women need, all right, which is something that I have finally been able to figure out. And I know that this, and I'm assuming that I can't see anything, but I'm assuming that this side of the audience, the brothers are here, can you make some noise? That's the noise you make? No wonder the sisters are not, okay, anyways. All right, so I'm sure that we're all trying to figure out what it is that women want exactly, right? In fact, there are studies, and this is a real study, unlike the study that Sheikh Kamal al-Makki was talking about, there are studies that suggest that most men, most men try to understand women, but they fail in doing so.

So they try, they make the attempt, but they fail. And the conclusion is what every man thinks, women are too complicated, they can't make up their mind. I don't even know what she wants. When I'm tough, she's not happy, when I'm soft, I'm too soft, so she's always complaining, so I can't figure her out. And I guess one of the reasons they picked me, or they picked this topic, because I didn't pick the topic, by the way, the topic picked me, right? One of the reasons they picked this topic for me, I guess, is perhaps because I was able to finally figure it out, right? And also I think I qualify because I have a mother and I have six sisters. So seven women raised me, I'm the youngest of all my siblings, right? And I'm married and I have a daughter.

And I have a large number of aunts and cousins, I've been dealing with women all my life. And I can't wait to go to Jannah. So what do women want? What do they need? And how can we learn from our great example, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam? What women want or need is, sisters, can you tell me? What do they want? What kind of a man are they looking for? Okay, can you just leave aside all the cliches? I'm fine with the cliches.

That's fine. You can put it on your Facebook. But for now, what is it that you really want? Okay, how about a hero? We all know that women love heroes.

What Women Want: The Need for a Hero

They want a hero, right? They want their man to be a hero. They want their fathers to be their heroes. They're looking for a real man, someone with leadership qualities.

Who is our hero? Muhammad Ibn Abdullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. We can learn from him. Let us be inspired by his example. Let's look at his akhlaq. How did he treat women? How did he deal with them? How did he manifest real manhood or fatherhood and leadership? What kind of a hero was he? How did he treat

women? And I can tell you that I'm sure that you heard about the triple A's, right? The triple A's that women need. Like some of the things that the sister said.

Affection. Attention. Appreciation.

Right? Understanding does not start with A. Appreciation. Accessories. What's with women and accessories, by the way? Right? And here's a tip for you, brothers. Whenever you go to shop for bedding, a bedding set, look for a set that has everything.

Right? Because you're going to go for the cheap one, right? That is just like the comforter and a couple of, you know, shams or whatever they call them. Right? And then your wife is going to come and give you that look and say, I want the accessories. And that's where bedding manufacturers, here's a little secret because I used to deal with them. Bedding manufacturers, that's where they make their money. They make a killing. The valances and the little, you know, thing for the lights, the whatever it is, and all the little accessories.

But you have to get the accessories. So get the one that has everything together. So anyways, the three A's are attention, affection, and appreciation.

Right? That's what every woman needs. That's what every woman deserves, especially our women. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless them.

And also that's what the children need. Right? So do we find in the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, do we find the example of those things? Has the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam fulfilled that? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has done that. Because some of us have this twisted understanding of real manhood.

You know, I learned the hard way. I used to think manhood meant, you know, that you let her do everything. You have the final say. Actually, you have the first and the final say. Right? And you don't do anything at all. Right? And that whatever you say has to take place.

And all these other things that we picked from our cultures and we forgot about the teachings and the practice of our glorious Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So how did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam deal with the women in his or of his life?

The Prophet's Affection Towards Women

When it comes to affection, no one was more affectionate than the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam expressed affection both verbally and physically.

In fact, there are even those sentimental things that many of us, many of the brothers look down upon. In fact, when we read them, sometimes we laugh or we say, MashaAllah, nice, and that's it. But you have to do them.

How about practicing the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam?

The Prophet Expressed His Love Publicly

First of all, brothers and sisters, love. Love does not mean anything if it's not expressed. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam teaches us that.

In the story, when Amr ibn al-As radiallahu anhu asked the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam:

"Who is the most beloved person to you?"

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, honestly and innocently and, you know, with full confidence, he said:

Everyone was able to hear. He actually mentioned her name in public. Because we have some brothers who don't like to mention the name of their wives in public like it's awrah. So, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Aisha. He said, O Messenger of Allah, it wasn't that what I was asking about, right? He was asking about who is the most beloved person from amongst the men. And the Prophet said:

"Her father."

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3662; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2384)

So, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam expressed his love and his affection. Imagine if that's what he told a man, a stranger, when he asked him, Do you think the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I know that this is something that many, you know, all women want to know whether their husbands really care about them. You know, do you really love me? Please.

He's like, of course I do. I mean, why would I do all these things if I didn't love you? Like, can you say it? He's like, I don't feel like saying it. Very hard.

Please say it. Please, please, please. And then he would say like, Oh, my God, I love you for the sake of Allah.

They want to hear it, right? So, the Prophet was comfortable sharing that in public. So, do you think the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had a hard time saying it in private? No. In fact, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to do things to show Khadija and to show Aisha and the rest of his wives that he actually cared for them and that he loved them alayhi sallatu wa sallam.

The Prophet's Attention to Details

Right? Which brings me to the second form of expressing love. Right? The second A, besides affection, attention. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam paid attention.

Attention to their feelings, attention to the little details that we very often overlook and we don't care about. Right? In the story, everybody knows, right? The story where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told Aisha:

"I indeed know when you are happy with me and when you are not pleased with me."

She said, how come? He said:

"Well, when you're pleased with me, you say, 'By the Lord of Muhammad.' And when you're not, you swear by the Lord of Ibrahim. You say, 'By the Lord of Ibrahim."

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5228; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2439)

So, of course, beautiful, mashallah and all of that, and we know how she responded to him. But what does this tell you? What did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam do? He paid attention.

He paid attention. He noticed a pattern. That means the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was interested. He was listening to what she was saying. He paid attention, alayhi salatu wa salam.

The Prophet's Appreciation of His Wives

Appreciation.

We know the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam appreciated his wives. And he appreciated Khadija radiallahu anha the most. Right.

And we know how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to mention her and remember so much so that Aisha radiallahu anha was jealous. And one time, Aisha said something that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam didn't like about Khadija. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came to the defense of his wife who had passed away years before that incident.

And he defended her and he reminded Aisha of what Khadija. I don't want to say what Khadija meant to him, but what Khadija means to him. He reminded her of what she continues to mean to him, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

That is how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam appreciated his wife. And he showed that appreciation and he was very comfortable. How did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam actually engage his wife? We know that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to embrace them physically.

Right. And he used to do that when he is on his way out to Salah or if he's leaving, not only when he wanted something or when he was hoping that it will lead to something. But as a simple gesture of appreciation and love and affection, he would give Aisha a kiss before he leaves.

And when he comes home, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we were told, and this is something that I am struggling with, by the way, because I don't want you to think that I'm standing here telling you all of these things and I'm the best husband in the world. I am not.

And you can ask. Well, don't ask, please. But it's something that I'm struggling with, something that I'm learning.

Right. And the more comfortable you become. With it. Especially through the inspiration that we get from the Prophet, from learning about the tradition of our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the better person you become and the better your marriage gets.

The Prophet Helped at Home

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he was when the wives of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was were asked about how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam conducted himself at home. The Prophet didn't sit all day on his iPad or on Twitter, right, tweeting things that are happening on Al-Jazeera that everybody knows about.

Right. Or like renewing or updating his Facebook status. Right. Letting people know what he or she would see on CNN. Right. Or Arabia or any of these things.

Everybody knows these things. But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, as Aisha said:

"He used to be in the service of his family members."

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 676)

He used to get busy with the needs of his household. He made a use, a good use of his time. He would help them. Now, did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam do this all the time? Right. Did he do that all the time? And there were times where the Prophet would rest.

Right. He didn't do this all the time. But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, whenever his help was needed, he was there.

You see, I know for sure, like any decent. Believing woman. Right. Our wives don't want us to be there next to them 24 seven. I'll let you in on a little secret, brothers. They don't always want us to be there.

They like to get a break and have their personal space. But when they need us, they would like us to be there. And if you're there only when you're needed, right. That will count and it will feel to them as if you're there all the time. So the Prophet was not sitting there 24 seven, just, you know. But whenever they needed him, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, before they even asked, he would take the initiative and help.

The Prophet's Compassion and Sensitivity

Was so. Compassionate. I saw a person, right, and he was so sensitive.

That. You know, one of those stories is that I find to be very, very, you know, people talk about romance. You know, little romantic things.

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was observed. And obviously, his even his private life was was something that was shared with the public, was was seen, alayhi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, kneeling down. Right. For his wife, Safiya, because Safiya was petite, so that she would be able to get on the back of a camel, alayhi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

And we have people who refuse to open the door for their pregnant wives. They're like keyless entry. That's it. You get it. Figure it out.

Why? It does not diminish, it does not take away from your manhood. It doesn't take away from your manhood. In fact, if you do it and you seek or you are hoping for the reward of Allah Azza wa Jal, Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala not only will he reward you, but he will bless your marriage.

And this is something that we all need.

Dealing with Marital Conflict

Now, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Did not have. I don't want to get myself in trouble by saying this. He didn't have a perfect marriage. I mean. No such thing exists. Did did did he have issues with his wife? Yes. They had conflict.

They had disagreement, misunderstanding. They're human beings in the man and a basher. What did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam do when he had issues with his wife? One thing that we know about our Prophet

sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not live in denial.

And he was humble, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He didn't say, I'm Rasulullah. Whatever I do is correct. They need to work on it. It's their problem. It's not my problem.

Right. He would apologize. He will seek forgiveness, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, from his wife.

The Prophet Sought Counseling

And if there is a misunderstanding and they cannot reach an agreement, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam sought counseling. I'm not making this stuff up. I'm not talking about the counseling of Jibreel.

Right. But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in that famous story recorded in the Sunan. He told Aisha.

One time he had a they had a little conflict. So he said:

"Ya Aisha, who would you like to mediate between me and you?"

Can you imagine this? And he didn't say, Aisha, I'm Rasulullah. Listen to me. I have a final say. No, no.

He said, مَنْ تَرْضَيْنَ . Who would you like to mediate? We'll go seek counseling. Bring in someone in between to help us figure this out.

Rasulullah. We have, alhamdulillah, in our communities, we have now a lot of people specializing in family counseling. One of the most common complaints is that people don't want to go and seek professional help whenever they have problems in their marriages.

And in most cases, they only attend to their marriage when things pretty much reach a breaking point. After the meltdown. After a breakdown.

And in many cases, it is too late. I was just told that the divorce rate right now is 66 percent in America and in our community, it's in the rice. It used to be three, 33 percent.

Right. And recently I was told that it's way above 40 percent. And my personal assumption is that it is above 50 percent. This is my personal assumption. Nothing scientific, you know, just simply by observation. And subhanallah.

You know, dealing with many of those cases. I don't understand why people, you know, have to even consider divorce because they're in fact, some of those problems are so common. Even the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had these issues.

And divorce is not the answer. And I've never seen people who sought divorce when they didn't have to. Right. As a solution, because divorce is not a solution. Right. And were happy or successful afterwards.

So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Who do you want to mediate? Umar, he suggested, what do you think of Umar? Umar, right. Farooq. She said, no, no, no, no, no, no.

إِنَّهُ فَظًّ غَلِيظٌ

"She said, he is harsh."

And no, no, I don't want to talk to Umar. No. He's likeفَأَبَا بَكْرٍ . How about Abu Bakr? Her dad.

Right. She's like, OK, that's good. Her dad.

He brought in her dad to mediate. Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So they invited Abu Bakr.

Abu Bakr came. So the Prophet said to her:

"Aisha, would you like to start first? Would you like to talk or do you want me to talk?"

The Prophet is asking her, would you like to? He didn't say, listen, you be quiet. I'll explain everything. I'm Rasulullah. No, he said, would you like to talk, speak first? Or she said:

"You speak, you say whatever you want to say, but make sure that you speak the truth."

Uh oh. You know what she said? She said, you speak, you say whatever you want to say, but make sure that you speak the truth. That was a big mistake.

That was wrong choice of words. Because guess what happened? Abu Bakr was upset. And he was her father. She's his daughter. Abu Bakr raised his hand and he was about to slap Aisha. Because he was upset.

How could you say to the Prophet, don't speak, accept the truth. He's Rasulullah. That was not appropriate. Uncalled for. So what happened to Aisha? She was frightened and she immediately hid behind the Prophet. Sallallahu alaihi wasallam.

She grabbed onto the Prophet. She's like, protect me. No, no.

And the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam stopped in the way. And Abu Bakr couldn't do anything. And he was so upset. There was nothing Abu Bakr wanted to do at that moment except beat Aisha. But but the Prophet is in the way. And and Abu Bakr, you might want to leave now.

It's OK. I'll take care of this. So as soon as Abu Bakr left, the Prophet turned to Aisha and he said, so what do you think? I protected you from the man, right? Watching it back.

She said, no, not yet. He's like he tried to grab her hand. She said, no, not yet.

And the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam kept trying until she she they made up. So Abu Bakr heard about that, and he said he came back and he said:

"I should be part of your peace just like you made me part of your conflict."

He said, just like you were, you made me part of your conflict. Now I want to be part of your peace.

The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam sought counseling because he understood the value of family and the value of marriage.

And he understood very well. I saw a lot of salam and knew and he wanted to teach us. Marriage and family values as well.

The Prophet's Treatment of Female Family Members

And the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, the mercy he was. He extended that to all of his wives. He extended that to the female members of his household.

Including his female cousins, he extended that to his daughters and to children, be it male or female. The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said to the Sahaba:

"The best of you are the best for their wives, and I am the best of you for my family."

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895; Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 1977)

In another narration, the best of you are the best for their wives. So if you want to know whether you're a good man or not, you want to get the testimony of the female members of your household.

Look at it from their perspective. Let them let them tell you how they feel about you. And you are whatever they perceive you to be.

The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam. And again, we need to be we need to be humble enough to understand this and relate to it. The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam.

Aisha said that the Prophet used to stand up for Fatima, his daughter, whenever she came and you would imagine the Prophet is her father. He's a prophet of Allah sallallahu alaihi wasallam. He's a lot older.

Right. But the Prophet himself would would would humble himself. Sallallahu alaihi wasallam.

Get up, embrace Fatima and walk her back to where he was sitting and have her sit there physically. And he used to pay attention to little children, his grandchildren, his own children, his grandchildren. And show affection to them in private and in public.

The Prophet's Affection for Children

So I saw that one time he's sitting with a delegation from Banu Hanifa and from Banu Tamim. The delegations. He's sitting with them.

You know, this is business meeting. The Prophet is sitting, alaihissalatu wasallam, with them. And then either a little child comes or he was brought one of his either his son, Ibrahim, or I think there's another riwayah about his grandson, little baby.

And the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam kisses him, plays with him, tickles him, you know, smells him and all of that. And he hugs him and shows affection in the presence of these men. And then he's gone.

Al-Aqra ibn Habis saw this. He said, Ya Rasulallah. You're showing affection and you're kissing little children, little boys.

And he didn't think that it was manly because you have to show that you're tough and rough. He said:

"I have 10 children, 10 sons. I had never kissed or expressed affection to any one of them ever."

The Prophet said:

"What can I do for you if Allah has deprived you from affection and from compassion. You're the loser in this case."

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5997; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2318)

Conclusion: The Duty to Honor Women

Right. Let me just conclude, brothers and sisters.

By saying that our wives, our children, especially the female member, the weakest members of our households and our communities, deserve the best of our treatment. And they deserve our utmost respect. And it's only those who honor them who are honorable.

The most disrespected. Unfortunately, the most disrespected women. Are the Muslim women.

The least appreciated. The society does not appreciate them. And they have hard time.

And unfortunately, when they go home, they're not appreciated and they're not respected, and that has to change. And the status of our community and the state of our Ummah will not change until we change that.

You know, when Sheikh Yasser, Habibullah, was showing the dishes that he can cook, I was so jealous.

In fact, deep inside, I was like, oh, yeah, you're right. You made all these things. Yeah, you cook them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. You just took pictures of them.

And then I was even telling the shuyukh next to me, Sheikh Yasser Qadi and Sheikh Abdul Bari. And I was saying, no, no, no way. The question is, are these edible? We don't even know if they're edible, right? I was like,

you know, come on, you know.

And until that picture of his son, I believe it was Ibrahim, you know, with, you know, was about to take a bite. I was like, OK, they're edible. This guy can cook.

He can do what I can't do. All right. So I got to learn how to cook.

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's something noble.

Aisha and the wives of the Prophet indicated that the Prophet used to take care of his own affairs. He used to take care of his own affairs. He was not a burden on anyone else.

The other day I was I went to visit a very prominent member of our community. He's 76 year old. And I'm sitting there with with one of the shoe.

And he got up. He can barely walk. He got up and he moved.

He came and then he picked guava from a guava basket that was in front of me. He picked one and he went back and he sat down. So I said to him, may Allah preserve you.

You could have just asked me. You know, I could have. He said, no.

I like to pick it myself. And he didn't want to to. Independence to this level.

There is nothing more liberating. Than being independent, being able to make your own food. You need profit.

The Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, praised Prophet Dawood for being able for being an example for one who used to make his own food and not rely on other people. And I'm not saying, oh, sisters, now go home and say, OK, you go get the recipe from Sheikh Yasir Brijes and cook your own food. No, may Allah, you know, reward you and may Allah bless you for what you're doing. It's Sadaqah, right? But that has to be reciprocated, brothers, and it has to be appreciated.

The Crisis of Absent Fatherhood

Statistics show that 63 percent of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. Fatherless homes. 90 percent of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. Eighty five percent of children who have who exhibit some kind of behavioral disorder, fatherless home.

And the irony is that the father may be present. But he's not present as a father in most of these cases. He is present as a male or not even a male.

You know, there's a difference between being a father and being a male. And our example is the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, for a healthy relationship, for healthy families, healthy children. We have to follow the example of the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, and learn from him.

A Message to Mothers and Fathers

I urge you, brothers and sisters, and I urge you both, brothers and sisters. The sisters may say, Oh, was it this lecture all for the brother? No, no. Because I tell you, those brothers came from a household.

Each one of those brothers, all of us came from. We are the products of how our mothers raised us. And I can tell you, Alhamdulillah, my mom did a wonderful job, as you can see.

Right. But there are some some cultural. There's this cultural value, there are some cultural and teachings that are not healthy at all. When you when you kick your son out of the kitchen and you say, oh, you can't be in the kitchen, you're a boy. You're not going to have a beard if you continue to.

By the way, I used to have a great conflict about that. I had a complex about about not having a beard because I'm around the kitchen too long. And I used to think, you know, how how is it that you're not going to grow a beard if you're in the kitchen? What happens? Maybe the fume from the food comes and I didn't know.

This is not what we're taught by our example, the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. So, sisters, you have to do a better job in raising a generation of heroes, real men, following the example of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. Men who are strong. Men who are affectionate. Men who know their duties and fulfill them. And brothers, we need to work on ourselves.

There is nothing wrong. We were never too old. Omar radiallahu anhu had to change some of his behavior and he had to change aspects of his personality and he was very old.

Omar radiallahu anhu was refined by the example of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. And he's inspired by the example of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. Omar, who, according to some narrations, buried his daughter alive.

Omar, who used to hit women if they ever challenged him. Right. Was observed later after he learned from an example of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam showing compassion and respect for women and humbling himself.

Radiallahu anhu wa arda. All was inspired by the example of our noble Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, whom we ask Allah azawajal to bestow his peace and blessings upon.

Closing Du'a

"O Allah, send blessings upon Your servant and Messenger, the unlettered Prophet Muhammad, son of Abdullah, and upon his family and wives and offspring, as You sent blessings upon Ibrahim and upon the family of Ibrahim, and bless Muhammad, Your servant and Messenger, the unlettered Prophet, and upon his family and wives and offspring, as You blessed Ibrahim and the family of Ibrahim."

"O Allah, make us live according to his Sunnah, and cause us to die upon his religion, and gather us under his banner."

"And may Allah send blessings and peace upon Muhammad, his family, and companions, and grant them abundant peace."

"Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh."

End of Lecture