Upholding Family Ties: A Key To Allah's Love

The Lock and the Key: Upholding Family Ties for the Sake of Allah

When you have a lock and a key, neither one is necessarily more important than the other — they're both something to protect, they're both something to value. Although you might see one to be the main goal, you see one as the objective and the other as the means, but both of them are something that are valuable and both of them are something to keep safe.

I say this because a lot of times we tell ourselves that we have a single goal, we have a single purpose — which of course is the love of Allah above all else. We want Allah to love us and we want ourselves to be filled with the love of Allah as well. And of course that idea entails cutting yourself off from everything else, cutting yourself off from the dunya, cutting yourself off from every other thought.

But then there are other loves that we have — we have our parents, we have our children, we have our spouses, our nieces and nephews, our aunts and uncles. We love all of them. And these other types of loves are recognized and they're not bad. Just as we talk about the lock and the key — the lock is our main goal, what we're actually trying to protect — that doesn't mean the key is useless. The key is also something to be valued, the key is also something to be protected.

And in that manner, in our dunya we have Allah who is our main goal, whom we want to love and whom we want to protect. We want our deen to be protected, we want our iman to be protected. But that doesn't mean that the dunya gets neglected. There are aspects of our dunya that also need to be protected — and they are, as I'm saying, our key to Allah: our family and these relations that we build.

Allah's Examples in the Qur'an

It's important to understand this idea of examples. Allah talks about examples in the Qur'an. Very early in the first part of Surah al-Baqarah, Allah talks about this:

Allah is not shy to give examples, whether it be a mosquito or even something beyond a mosquito. Those that believe recognize that these examples are saying something — these examples are a truth to understand from Allah. As for those that don't believe, they'll always find something to argue about. They'll say, "What is Allah trying to say? None of this makes sense. Why is Allah talking about ants and spiders in the Qur'an?" Allah is trying to show you something.

Allah says that by this Qur'an and by these examples, He is going to guide many people and He is going to misguide many people. The ones that He misguides are the fasiqeen — وَمَا يُضِلُّ بِهِ إِلَّا الْفَاسِقِينَ. And then Allah in the next ayat goes on to explain who are those people — who are those fasiqeen that Allah has referred to, whom Allah is misguiding. And so Allah says:

They're the ones that break the things that Allah means to uphold. They break their contracts with Allah and they break things that Allah wants to keep safe.

The Rahm — Family Ties as a Mercy from Allah

This idea — the importance of the bonds within us, the ties that keep our community together — it is primarily of the utmost importance within those closest to us. And that's natural. It's unsurprising to know that where there's more contact there will be the most friction. The people that you spend the most time with, the people that you know the most about, and perhaps you expect the most from, are the ones that you get hurt from the most.

But that sacrifice that you make to keep that tie, to keep that relationship with a person of your family — it's valuable because it's difficult. If it was easy, it wouldn't be kept to such a standard. There are certain things in Islam where Allah knows it's not something that you have to think about, it's not something you really have to work at, and so Allah doesn't tell you to do it. Allah doesn't tell you to breathe — you know you have to breathe. There are things that are naturally easy coming to us. But things that are difficult — Allah puts a lot of emphasis on those ideas.

And so Allah talks about the rahm. What we refer to as our family ties in Arabic is called the rahm.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5988)

Allah says it comes from Ar-Rahman. It comes from Allah. It comes from that word rahmah. It is the rahmah of Allah — the family is the rahmah, it's a mercy. And of course all the mercies of Allah, we want to uphold them, we want to keep them. Allah Himself says that the ones who uphold that family — He will uphold them, He will keep them close. And the ones that cut that family tie off — He will cut them off.

Ikhlas — Sincerity Toward Allah in Our Family Relations

Again, why is Allah giving so much importance to this idea of the family? We're always trying to bring this back to Allah. It takes a lot of ikhlas to do things for Allah. And we might look at our families and think that these are not related to my relationship with Allah.

And many of the Sahaba had those ideas as well. We learn a lot from the lives of the Sahaba. So Asma' رضي الله عنها — her parents are visiting her. She's in Medina and her parents are visiting her. And so she asks Nabi ﷺ that her parents are coming, but they're not Muslim — so what does she do? Should she refuse them? Should she host them? And Nabi ﷺ encourages her to respect her parents, to be hospitable.

The Qur'an also talks about this idea. That you might think a parent who is not even Muslim — forget about offending you, they've offended Allah with a crime that cannot be surpassed. Literally the worst crime. When Luqman عليه السلام talks to his son about different advices he's giving him, he tells his son:

Out of all the crimes, the one thing you really want to make sure — Allah can forgive you for anything, Allah will forgive you for almost anything, but He won't forgive shirk. He tells his son, "Don't you dare do shirk."

And then Allah in that same passage says:

That if your parents are doing shirk — and not just that they're doing shirk, they're telling you to do shirk — if they're forcing you, if they're fighting you to commit shirk, they're not just criminals, they're inviting towards that crime — it doesn't matter what your parents have done, it doesn't matter what your family has done, it doesn't matter what crime they've done: وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا — Allah tells him, and Luqman عليه السلام tells his son, you still have to hold them to a respect, you still have to be kind to them in the dunya.

And this idea that people have to earn our respect is not very much an Islamic idea. Allah talks about the idea that you have to respect them — but not because of them. Again, these parents could be non-Muslim, but you're still being told to respect them. Not because they've earned respect, but because this is your ikhlas with Allah. This is your sincerity with Allah.

You do things not because of how people treat you. You behave not because of how people treat you. You behave because what Allah wants from you is always at the pinnacle of your thought, it's at the forefront of your mind — what does Allah want from me? What can I do to make Allah happy?

People will come and go. People will be kind and rude. And people will do all sorts of things. But Allah is constant. And if your akhlaq are based on what Allah wants from you, then your akhlaq will be constant. And the way you treat people will always be at that pinnacle, at that height of akhlaq that we learned from Nabi ﷺ. Because you're dedicated to Allah. That's the level of ikhlas that Allah is looking for.

And that's why I started with this whole idea of the lock and the key. Of course both of them are important. One is used to get to the other. And the goal is always ikhlas towards Allah.

Walking Through the Cold

Walking in through this cold in the parking lot — hands in your pockets, your head down — it makes you think that maybe sometimes when people are in those fights with their family, maybe that's the cold they're feeling. Just struggling through, trying to survive until they can find the warmth again. And I get that people sometimes they can offend you. They can offend you deeply, personally. But you wouldn't leave someone out in the cold.

The Story of Aisha رضي الله عنها and the Incident of the Ifk

Again, I was saying we learn a lot from the Sahaba. The Sahaba, mashallah, they had amazing lives. And we think about the Qur'an talks about camels and farms and we're like, what does that have to do with me? No — but the Sahaba are something we can really relate to. They're humans at the end of the day, they're people. And we're just seeing their perspective of how people lived, of how people tried their best to emulate what Nabi ﷺ taught them. And they made mistakes. And they tried their best to learn from them.

And so there's a very famous incident — Waqiat al-Ifk. It's the story of Aisha رضي الله عنها when she was traveling with Nabi ﷺ, and they were on their return to Medina. As they were returning to Medina, Nabi ﷺ has a caravan stop in one place and they spend the night. And then Nabi ﷺ says that it's time to leave.

And so Aisha رضي الله عنها tells her story. She talks about how she ended up getting left behind from the caravan. Normally, after the laws of hijab came in, what would happen is she would sit inside of her howdaj — her little tent — and the tent would be put on top of the camel. So when it's time to go, she would go inside the tent and then everyone else would carry the tent and put it on the camel.

But she said she lost her necklace. So she went to go find it. And while she was gone, they picked up the tent and put it on the camel, not realizing she's not there. So the caravan goes on, she finds her necklace, she comes back, and everyone's gone.

Aisha رضي الله عنها — she was very intelligent — and she's like, "I'll just stay here, they'll come back for me eventually." As she's sitting there, she falls asleep. And Safwan رضي الله عنه comes along. Every caravan would have what we now know as a raqeeb — the person all the way at the back, maybe a mile behind the rest of the caravan, following along just to pick up anything that was left behind, to make sure no one loses anything.

And so Safwan رضي الله عنه finds Aisha رضي الله عنها, and he recognized her because he knew her from before the rules of hijab had come in. And so he says:

She wakes up. And as she's telling the story, she says, "By Allah, the only thing Safwan said — the only words I heard from Safwan — was that one time he said إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ. That was it. I never heard anything else from him." He puts his camel down, puts his foot on the camel's leg so that the camel doesn't stand back up. Aisha رضي الله عنها gets on the camel, and they go home.

From there, people start spreading rumors. And particularly Abdullah ibn Ubayy ibn Salul — a munafiq — who starts this rumor that Aisha رضي الله عنها and Safwan رضي الله عنه were involved in something haram.

Aisha رضي الله عنها talks about the story, and she's like, "I got home and for a month I was sick" — not because of the rumors, she didn't know about the rumors, she had no idea what was going on. But she's sick. And she's saying that during this time she can see Nabi ﷺ is not treating her the way he normally would. He's not taking care of her the way she would normally be taken care of when she's sick.

But she just doesn't have much to think about it. Then on one occasion she goes out with the mother of one of the Sahaba — the Sahabi's name is Mistah. Now Mistah رضي الله عنه was the second cousin of Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه. When these rumors started, Mistah was amongst the Sahaba who also fell into spreading the rumors. He was involved in carrying these tales.

So Aisha رضي الله عنها and the mother of Mistah go out, and on their return the mother of Mistah stumbles, and she says a curse against her own son. Aisha رضي الله عنها stops her — again, Aisha doesn't know what Mistah is doing — and she says, "What are you doing? Mistah is a Badri Sahabi, he was part of the 313. How can you say such a curse against him?"

I'm trying to bring this to light — anyone can make mistakes. The greatest of Sahaba, the 313, can make mistakes. Anyone can make a mistake. Family are worth forgiving.

But anyway, this is when Aisha رضي الله عنها first hears about the rumor. The mother of Mistah tells her, "You don't know what Mistah has been saying, do you?" And so she tells her. Aisha رضي الله عنها is panicking of course. She goes home and she sees Nabi ﷺ. She doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know how to interact, and she says, "Just let me go to my parents' house, I just need to confirm something." So she goes to her parents' house, talks to her parents about it, they tell her everything, and she's like, "I got so much more sick after that. Forget what I was sick before — this just made everything so much worse."

The story goes on and on. She goes on about how much she tried to talk to Nabi ﷺ. Nabi ﷺ also didn't know what was going on — he didn't know the truth. And Aisha رضي الله عنها finds this moment in her life where the only one she can trust is Allah. And she really truly understands this idea — that there is no one who will support me except Allah.

Eventually Aisha رضي الله عنها's innocence is proven — the ayat are revealed.

Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه and the Lesson of Forgiveness

But at the end of the story, Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه — whom we know as the father of Aisha رضي الله عنها — he saw all this. He saw this unfolding in front of him. He saw his daughter going through so much pain. Of course Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه himself also did not know what was happening — he didn't know, Nabi ﷺ didn't know, and no one knew.

Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه sees all this and he goes to Mistah and says, "I'm never ever going to help you again. The amount of pain you put my family through." And these were not like — these were not small mistakes. These were deeply personal, offensive attacks. Abu Bakr رضي الله عنه says, "I'm never going to help you again. You'll never see support from me, you'll never see my sadaqah."

Which is understandable, right? Someone hurts you that bad, someone almost breaks your family's connection with Nabi ﷺ — for no reason, with no proof — you can feel the pain.

But Allah catches them on it. And Allah says:

Allah says: you should forgive him. Don't you want Allah to forgive you?

And if we can walk away with one thing, I think this is one really important idea. We've been so neglectful of so much of what we do. We have so many sins, so many responsibilities out there, so many people suffering out there that we are neglectful of, that we don't pay attention to, that we don't do enough for. Allah knows if we're going to make it to Jannah.

But there are some things we can do. And if this is the sacrifice that we can make — because it is a sacrifice, it's a lot of sabr, it's a lot of stepping on your own ego to go to your family and say, "I don't think I was wrong, but I'm still going to apologize" — but to go through all that sabr just to show Allah something. To say: Allah, I want You to forgive me for all of the things I've done, for all the terrible things I've done. Allah, I want You to forgive me. And so I'm going to try to do it myself — I'm going to forgive the people around me, I'm going to build up these relationships around me. And I'm hoping, Allah, You do the same with me.

Ramadan Around the Corner

This is why I chose this topic today — it's particularly relevant with Ramadan around the corner. If we're talking about lock and key, Ramadan is the month when the banks throw their doors open. You can come and take whatever you want. But not having a good relationship with your family, not having those ties of kinship upheld, can very easily be a reason for someone to be deprived of Ramadan.

There are many narrations on this idea — that a person who cuts people off from their family does not enter Jannah. A person who truly has this quality of showing rahm, of keeping up their relationships with people, they're not someone who's just going to compensate or keep up and deal equally with the way they're dealt with. Those are the words of the hadith:

A person who treats others the way they're treated is not someone who is considered to uphold their ties of family. A true person who's upholding their family is someone who, when their own relationships are broken apart, makes the effort to go forward and fix them.

That effort, that first step before anyone else — being the bigger person, whatever you want to call it — that's what's intended. And that's what Allah is looking for.

So when Allah wants to find excuses to forgive you — may Allah find excuses to forgive all of us.

الحمد لله رب العالمين

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