The Level of Decency & Haya in the Youth Today | Jumuah Khutbah | Shaykh Dr. Yasir Qadhi

The Level of Decency and Haya in the Youth Today

Dear Muslims, one of the most observable differences between the lives of Muslims and the lives of people outside of Islam, one of the most obvious differences between the teachings of Islam and the reality of the modern world around us, is the Islamic etiquette of decency and حياء (haya).

In fact, it can be argued that out of all of the characteristics of Islam, the one that is the most obvious point of conflict between us and those outside of our faith, the one that is constantly being attacked, the one that is constantly being mocked, the one that makes us stand apart most in this time and era, is our sense of personal akhlaq, of manners, of interaction, of dress code, and how we live not just amongst ourselves but with others. How we interact with the opposite gender, how we live our personal lives, how we dress, how we interact - all of this is in complete odds with the culture around us.

By and large, people outside of our faith don't really care if we pray five times a day. It doesn't bother them that we believe in Allah versus their gods. It's not a big deal to them our personal belief in the hereafter. But the one thing that they constantly bring up is that we live our lifestyles, and we dress, and we interact with each other, and with the opposite gender in a way that is radically different than those outside of our faith.

And because our children are born into this new world, and it's not their fault that they absorb values from outside - in the end of the day, it's not their fault they're born in this time and place - it becomes especially important for us the elders, for us the teachers, for us the people that know better, that not only do we teach the next generation the reality of حياء (haya), the reality of أخلاق (akhlaq), the reality of what it means to be a Muslim, but that we live that lifestyle in our own daily lives.

The Current Reality

O Muslims, and I speak right now to the elders, the parents - wallahi it is embarrassing for me to even mention the level of indecency that is common amongst the teenagers. I can't do this because this is a masjid, because I'm giving a khutbah, because the sanctity of the masjid does not allow me to speak how my teenagers and your teenagers are speaking. This is the reality that we find ourselves in.

The sanctity of the masjid is not allowing me to be explicit in a way that my and your children are absolutely explicit with each other about the realities of human interaction, intimacy, sexuality, the jokes that they crack amongst each other, the films that they watch and they think this is normal.

Dear Muslims, if our grandparents who are no longer here, if they were magically brought back, I think they would have a heart attack if they see the reality of how people are living their lives. One generation before, 50 years before - and by the way, when I say our grandparents, I don't just mean Muslim grandparents, even this generation, their grandparents - if people who lived in the 40s and 50s, if they were brought back and they could see how their own grandchildren are living, they would find this incomprehensible.

And I have given multiple khutbas about this topic, the levels of indecency, the levels of children born out of wedlock. A hundred years ago, less than 4% of children were born out of wedlock in this country, in America. A hundred years ago, less than 10% of upper middle class would be promiscuous before marriage. Listen, 100 years ago. Now, fast forward - 97% of people in this country are active before marriage, 97%. And 45% of children are born outside of wedlock.

So, if this is the reality, what was forbidden and banned even in the cinemas in the 1960s is now family entertainment that parents watch at home with their children on the TV screen. I repeat, what was considered indecent, what was considered banned by the movie industry when our parents were teenagers one generation ago, is now not just that - more than this is the norm for family viewing.

So given this reality, it is imperative that every one of us understands the reality of Islam and then tries our best to live up to it so that our children do not lose this important characteristic.

The Importance of Haya in Islam

How important? Listen to the words of the Prophet ﷺ. In an authentic hadith, what did he say? He said:

(Every religion is characterized by one specific khuluq that is something that is unique to it. It is known by that characteristic. And the khuluq of this deen is al-haya.)

What characterizes this deen is the reality of modesty, of حياء (haya).

Our Prophet ﷺ further emphasized how important modesty is, bashfulness is. When he said: "Iman has 70 odd branches, the highest of them is the kalima, the lowest of them - when you're walking you clean the street, make sure there's nothing irritating." And then out of 70 branches, he wanted to emphasize one in the middle. Which one did he choose? And he said:

"And haya is one of those branches." (Sahih al-Bukhari)

Out of the 70, he could have chosen any. But he wanted to emphasize the one that he felt is very important, one of the most important, and that is the khuluq of حياء (haya), of modesty.

In a hadith in the Mustadrak of al-Hakim, our Prophet ﷺ is reported to have said: "Haya and iman, they go hand in hand. When one of them goes, the other follows. Haya and iman, they are intertwined. When one of them goes, the other follows." Understand this point: No haya, no iman. No iman, no haya. So to protect iman, one of the main ways to protect it is via haya.

The Meaning of Haya

And what does haya mean? Some of you who don't speak Arabic, you might hear the word حياة (hayat), when I say حياء (haya). And this is not a coincidence. The Arabic word - Ibn Qayyim says - the Arabic word for life is from the same root as the Arabic word for modesty. I repeat, the Arabic word for life, الحياة (al-hayat), it is from the same root as the Arabic word for modesty. Why?

Ibn Qayyim says: just like the word حياة (hayat) describes the life of the body, so too the word حياء (haya) describes the life of the soul. Ibn Qayyim says, the two are related. Just like حياة (hayat) describes a corpse versus a body - what separates a corpse from a living body? حياة (Hayat). What separates a living soul from a spiritually dead soul? It is حياء (haya).

Haya is the essence of iman. And our scholars define haya. Haya doesn't just translate as modesty. Haya is translated as an internal emotion that causes one to act in a manner that no one will object to. Act in a decent, dignified manner. Haya causes you to avoid people talking about you in an indecent way. Avoid doing something that is reprehensible, that is reproachable. So haya isn't just an emotion in the heart, it is manifested in how we live our lives.

Manifestations of Haya in Daily Life

And in today's brief khutbah, I want to go over specific aspects of how haya should be manifested in our daily lives. First, and this is not comprehensive, obviously khutbah is limited in time.

First: One of the most important characteristics that haya will bring about is that we are all sinners, we all commit sins. When we have haya, we will understand committing a sin in private is bad, committing it in public is worse. And this is a common misconception that people have. If I commit a sin in private, I should commit it in public. Where did you get this from? Committing a sin in private is bad. And may Allah forgive you. But doing it in public is worse.

How do we know this? The Prophet ﷺ said - hadith is in Bukhari and Muslim:

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim)

"Allah shall forgive all of my ummah for their sins" - meaning if they repent to Allah - "except the ones who are al-mujahirun" (not al-muhajirun, al-mujahirun). So the sahabah said, "What do you mean the mujahir? We know the muhajir, what's the mujahir?" The Prophet ﷺ said, "The one who commits a sin and is concealed by the night, concealed by the sattar of Allah, concealed by Allah's concealment. And then the next morning, he will go and he will boast and tell the people, 'You know what I did last night? I did this and I did this and I did this.'" Then the Prophet ﷺ said, "Allah Azza wa Jal concealed him and he broke the veil of Allah and told the people."

Yes, you do a sin in private - that is bad, may Allah forgive you, ask Allah for forgiveness. And that is no doubt not a good thing. But when you do it in public and you boast about it, when you go tell other people about it, when you post it on Facebook, social media, on Twitter, when you have your Instagram profile showing you doing a sin - لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله. This is a level that is without haya, you are destroying haya.

So I am not saying commit sins in private, I'm saying if you commit sins in private, ask Allah to forgive you. But understand when you publicize, you are making it much worse. And know that Allah can forgive you if you do it in private and turn to Him. But the minute you boast, the minute you flaunt it, our scholars say: flaunting a sin is a bigger sin than the sin itself. Flaunting a sin, showing people you're doing a sin is a bigger sin than the sin itself because you are showing you have no haya.

So point number one: keep your sins private. Yes, don't do sins - even better. But if you are doing them, ask Allah to forgive you and don't go tell other people you are committing sins.

Number two: A part of haya is that you live your personal life in a chaste and dignified manner. You yourselves try your best, do not have any scandals, do not have any interactions that are unbefitting. When you interact with the opposite gender, interact in a... The brother should act in a gentlemanly fashion. The sister should act embodying the akhlaq of women. Make sure that when you interact, you are lowering your gaze as much as possible. You are not staring, you are not flirting, you are not making crude remarks or innuendos or jokes that are unbefitting.

Look at the story of Musa (alayhi as-salam). When the two ladies came, the famous incident that happened. The entire story, I have given whole lectures about it. The entire story of how Musa (alayhi as-salam) interacted. He lowered his gaze, he did not ask questions, he did not ask them their names, he did not ask them their Instagram accounts, he did not flirt with them. He did the deed of a gentleman and then turned his back.

Even when they came to thank him, she herself mentions her father: "My father wants to thank you." Look at the akhlaq of the lady, because when the lady says, "Let me thank you," shaytan comes to the man and changes his intention. You bring in the father and subhanAllah, everything becomes halal and that resulted in a marriage.

The scholars even say: when Musa (alayhi as-salam) began walking and the lady was in front of him, he realized this is not appropriate because I'm looking at the lady. So Musa (alayhi as-salam) said, "Let me walk in front of you and you throw stones if I go in the wrong direction." Notice the gentleman that Musa (alayhi as-salam) was, that he did not walk behind the lady, even though she has to lead him to the path, she has to lead him to the father's house. But this is the akhlaq of a gentleman with haya. This is how people should interact.

In your offices, oh brothers, make sure everybody knows you are a man of haya. Make sure every sister, every lady feels comfortable that you're not gonna flirt, you're not gonna stare, you're not gonna give indecent remarks, and be a da'i to Allah via your akhlaq. Be a true gentleman via your akhlaq. This is a part of having haya.

Third manifestation of haya that we can mention here, and especially this applies to brothers: It is a part of haya to not be crude, not be indecent, not crack vulgar jokes even amongst the same gender, not say things that are inappropriate, cracking jokes about sexuality or mentioning women in an indecent manner. This is not haya. Even amongst men, only men, we don't speak like this. Notice how the Quran describes intimacy between husband and wife.

The Divine Standard of Decency

Allah says:

"If you touch your women, touch." The scholars say, it's not touching. Allah is talking about intimacy. Allah says:

"When the husband envelops her, covers her," and then she gives birth. Notice the word used, تَغَشَّاهَا. No vulgarity is in the Quran.

The Prophetic Example of Bashfulness

The Prophet ﷺ demonstrated this as well. So many ahadith, as Aisha radiallahu anha said, he was more bashful than a lady who has never had any men. She could not talk about any topic of this nature, even though he was the leader of a state. He was khatim al-anbiya, he was sayyid waladi adam. But when it came to awkward topics, he became bashful.

There's an interesting narration. A lady came to the Prophet ﷺ, and she said, "Ya Rasulallah, teach me how to do ghusl after hayd. I don't know, tell me how to do ghusl." So the Prophet ﷺ said, "Yes, you pour water on yourself, and then you follow the traces of the blood and wipe it away." She said, "What do you mean, follow the traces of the blood?" And he meant of course wiping the private part. "Follow the traces of the blood."

And the Prophet ﷺ put his thawb on his face, and he said, "SubhanAllah, SubhanAllah, follow the traces of blood." He couldn't say explicitly what. And Aisha called the lady and said, "Oh lady, what he is saying is you wash your private part. That's what you have to do when you do ghusl for the hayd."

SubhanAllah, he's teaching fiqh. And generally speaking, when you teach, you're allowed to be explicit. But he had such haya that he could not even verbalize this. And he just said, "SubhanAllah." He lowered his eyes, he turned away. He said, "SubhanAllah, just wash the blood, just wash the blood." Meaning you have to wash that area. But what does this show you? The haya of the Prophet ﷺ.

Avoiding Vulgarities

Contrast this with some of our youth, some of them, لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله. They think it is cool to crack vulgar jokes. They think it is cool to use curse words, to say profanities. This is not a part of Islam. It is not of the akhlaq of the Muslim. And the mu'min is above these types of indecencies. We do not speak even in private about these types of things in an indecent manner. And we try our best to speak with haya. This is the third point, avoiding vulgarities.

Public Ceremonies and Wedding Culture

The fourth point, brothers and sisters, and this needs to be said as well. The fourth point about haya is that as we said, public indecency, how much more so when we are the ones in charge of ceremonies, in charge of public events, in charge of festivals. And in those festivals, there is a lack of haya.

I am sorry to be blunt, but somebody has to say this. We have to have a long look at the reality of our own public ceremonies and our wedding cultures that have run amok and gone beyond the bounds of the shariah. لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله. On the day that is supposed to be the most blessed day. On the day when a young man and woman are coming together to live a life of piety, a life of chastity. On that day, in how many cases, pure munkarat take place without any haya.

And I'm sorry, but how are you gonna have a blessed marriage when the first day of the marriage you are flouting the shariah of Allah Jalla Jalaluhu. And I understand it is a festivity. And yes, there are definitely halal festivities, and there is a gray area, I get that as well. But there are clear red lines.

Without a doubt, it's a festival. The Prophet ﷺ himself said, there should be drums, there should be duff, there should be halal nasheeds. He himself said that. I understand it's a happy day. But there are red lines. And when those red lines are crossed, then how can we tolerate this?

And what is so embarrassing, cringeworthy honestly, is that when these festivals take place, you have the elders, the seniors, you have the people in the saff al-awwal, in fajr, and they're sitting there watching these munkarat and doing nothing. And I know wallahi many of them, they don't like it. Many of them they feel awkward, they don't know what to do.

Now, quote me, and follow me, and listen to this. Next time you see in any Muslim event, sharaab being served, a bar in any Muslim event. Next time you see actors and actresses hired, wearing indecent clothing, dancing provocatively, in order to entertain a mixed gathering. Next time you see these - these are two red lines, there are no two opinions about. Listen to me and quote me. Stand up, turn your back on the audience, and walk outside of that hall. Be a positive role model. Let the people talk. Let the people say, "Oh, did you see so and so, he walked away." You know why? Because next time somebody wants to do a wedding, they'll remember, "Oh, you know what, that respected person walked out. I don't want the respected people to walk out." Maybe your positive role model will influence people in a good manner.

Let us learn to not normalize alcohol in a Muslim gathering. Let us learn to socially ban any gathering where men and women are dancing provocatively in front of other people of the mixed gender. I understand if women are alone, that's a separate issue. I understand in an indecent manner if men are jumping up and down acrobatics. This is all allowed, yes. And there's a gray area. But two things that I think we have to be crystal clear about.

Number one, sharaab, alcohol at Muslim events. Again, I understand if it's a corporate event, your boss is inviting you, the company is inviting you, you're having a business meeting, you're not in charge. If there's alcohol in the corner, may Allah forgive you, you're not in charge. But when you are in charge, when a Muslim is in charge, when it's a Muslim gathering, how can we normalize this blatant contravention of Allah's commandments? Wallahi, it is a shame that alcohol is served at any Muslim event and Muslims are still there sitting and dancing and having fun. لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله.

And also another clear red line that has gone beyond the norms of decency is suggestive dancing and provocative clothing in a mixed gathering audience. لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله. This cannot be normalized. And we have to speak against it and make Muslim weddings to be acceptable and normal.

Dear elders, what message are you sending the next generation when you sit in these gatherings and tolerate it? What message are you sending? Wallahi, I know many of you feel awkward, many of you are embarrassed. I get it, may Allah forgive. But don't just be embarrassed. Turn your back and walk out so that people know this is not acceptable. Next time a wedding is held, people are gonna say, "You know what, we cannot have that because we want our elders, our religious folks to attend." And that is something that is positive. Be a positive role model for the rest of the community.

Modesty in Clothing

Fifthly, brothers and sisters, about haya. And this needs to be said as well. Haya is also about clothing. There's no question about that. And this is for men and women. In fact, go back to the story of Adam and Hawa. When Allah, when they committed the sin and Allah expelled them from Jannah, the first thing that happened, their clothes were taken away. Some of our scholars have derived from this that one of the signs of Allah's blessings being lifted from a qawm, from a people, is when they embrace nudity, لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله. One of the signs of heading towards that path is you're embracing nudity, لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله. So we have to be careful, O Muslim.

And I understand it is a sensitive topic. I understand a lot of times our sisters feel they have a bigger burden on them. But I say to you, dear sisters, don't look at it as a burden. Firstly, both genders have their rules, and both genders have to dress modestly. But without a doubt, sisters have to dress more than brothers. Secondly, the reality is it is not a burden. It is actually a power that Allah has given you. Allah knows the power that you have. Allah knows your beauty is overpowering. Allah has gifted you a privilege that we do not have. Your beauty is able to do much more. That's why it is used in every billboard. It is used to sell products. It is used to make movies more enticing. Understand this, this is human nature. This is the way it is.

So to protect you and to dignify you, Allah has told you, use that power over your husband. Use that power, that beauty that Allah has given you. Use it in a manner that will make life better. And will make the one person that really should see it and deserve it, make that one person be always in love with you. So without a doubt, yes, there is more of a burden on our women. But it is not a burden, it is a privilege.

But I also say, and I need to be careful so that this isn't misunderstood. So let me be precise brothers and sisters. And I pray that insha'Allah ta'ala these words are not taken out of context. Without a doubt, our sister's clothing is very important. And they should dress the way that Allah wants them to dress. And that includes the hijab and headscarf. Yet still I say, in case a sister is not able to fulfill that obligation, let her still try to be modest in the rest of her body.

Please don't misunderstand me. It's not either or, it's not zero or one, that if I cannot wear the headscarf, khalas, I can dress however I please. Listen to me carefully. Yes, you should dress in the headscarf dear sisters. In case you cannot, may Allah forgive me and you, nobody is perfect. In case you cannot, at least dress loosely for the rest of the body. At least try to display hijab in a different level, not necessarily only with the headscarf, it is obligatory. But there are those people who wear the headscarf, and the rest of their body lacks complete hijab and haya. And there are those who they might not have the headscarf, but they are dressed closer to the ideals of hijab, because they're dressed decently, with loose clothing covering the entire body. So try your best dear sisters, and may Allah make it easy for you.

And also dear brothers, understand, let every brother be responsible for himself and his family. You are not responsible for every other person, unless you are the teacher of the school, or somebody that has other responsibilities. Otherwise, you are in charge of your family, your wife, your daughter, that is your purview.

A Message to Young Men

Also one final point brothers and sisters, since this topic is coming up, and this is especially relevant to the next generation, our young men. All too often I've been hearing talk about very harsh sentiments that our young brothers have, and verdicts they have against women, and against other families. And they use terms that should not be used. In particular, allow me to be explicit, it is very sad for me to hear, that the next generation has now normalized accusations of other men being dayooth over their families.

Dear youth, dear young men, fear Allah, and learn your religion. This is a very very evil word, and it does not apply to what typically you apply it to. And this is beyond the scope of this khutbah, but just because a man is not able to fully effectively make his own family wear the hijab, that's not good, but that doesn't make him this word that you are using.

And also dear brothers, allow me to be an older brother to you, mark my words, it is very easy to pass judgments when you're 21, very easy. Wait till Allah blesses you with a family, and with daughters. Wait till those daughters are now teenagers, and let us see how well you can deal with your own daughters. And perhaps then you might realize, it's not that easy to pass verdicts as I used to. It is a challenge all of us are facing.

So rather than pass verdicts on other people, rather than make fun of other people, rather than look down at other people struggling with iman, concentrate on yourself, and make yourself better, and realize Allah is not gonna judge you based on what they do. Allah will judge you based upon what you do.

The final point brothers and sisters, and that is our Prophet ﷺ reminded us that the more haya that we have, the better it is for our iman. There's a hadith in Sahih Muslim, that he passed by two people, they were just having a teasing argument. One of them was making fun of his brother, you are too bashful, you are too shy, you have to get over the shyness. And of course, we all have brothers like that, we all have those brothers that are so bashful, so shy. So this was a man kind of sort of teasing his brother.

And the Prophet ﷺ came to the defense of the one who was being teased. He came to the... even though it was just a brotherly thing that happens, and he said, let him be. فَوَاللهِ, more haya only increases in iman. Let him be, it's better that he errs with the more haya. Rather than the other side, let him be.

(Sahih Muslim)

Haya only brings more iman and more good. Learn this hadith from the Prophet ﷺ, and understand the more haya we have, the better it is.

And then final hadith for this issue of haya. Our Prophet ﷺ said, of the earliest of maxims that people have inherited from the previous Prophets is the phrase:

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

If you have no haya, then do as you please. If you have no haya, then do as you please. Meaning, the last barrier between you and sins is haya. The last barrier between you and indecency is haya. If you have no haya, then there is no hope. Do as you please, meaning خَلَاص, the case is lost, there is no hope to save you.

So preserve your haya, maintain your haya. Parents, live that haya in front of your children. Elders, exude that haya, so that the youngsters see and make lots of du'a, that the next generation absorbs this value of haya. Because without haya, there is no iman.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless me and you with him through the Qur'an, and may he make us of those who is versed, they understand and applies halal and haram throughout our lifespan. I ask Allah's forgiveness, you as well ask Him for He is the Ghafoor and the Rahman. أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللهَ.

Second Khutbah

الْحَمْدُ للهِ. All praise is due to Allah, the One and the Unique. He it is whom we worship, and it is His blessings that we seek. He is the Lord of the oppressed, and He hears the prayer of the weak.

As to what follows, dear Muslims, we understand and see the reality of what is happening in the world and in our own country around us. And اللَّهُمَّ المُسْتَعَان, perhaps situation will get much worse before it gets much better. And to Allah we complain, and it is Allah we ask for protection.

Brothers and sisters, the situation might potentially get more and more dire. We have people outside our own masjid spreading hate and spreading lies. And سُبْحَانَ اللهِ, it is what it is. Every one of us now has an even more, greater responsibility to exude akhlaq and haya of Islam.

Understand, the way that we will benefit the ummah and protect the ummah is by acting the way Allah wants us to act. We will respond to this hatred, to this misinformation with love and education. We will respond not by resorting to their level, but by rising up. And that requires patience. It requires observing the akhlaq of the Prophet ﷺ. It requires exuding a dignity, a charisma. It requires thinking long term.

And long term means you win the people with their hearts, not with their intellectual arguments. You win the people with the sweetness of your akhlaq, with the compassion, with the honesty, with the haya that everybody will see around you. How many are the stories of people who converted to Islam because they interacted with the Muslim and saw the akhlaq of the Muslim. This is our primary da'wah mechanism. It is akhlaq.

We don't all of us have to get involved in politics. We don't all of us have to get involved in debating what's going on and having statements about current issues. That's beyond the scope of everyone. No problem. But every single one of us must live our lives in accordance with the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.

I want everyone of us to make it a priority that my circle of my office, my neighbors, my people around me, they should respect me because I'm following the manners of the Prophet ﷺ. They will see in me honesty, integrity. They will see in me an ethics, an akhlaq, a haya that they will not see in anybody else. That is how we will overcome the hatred and prejudice. There is no other way, O Muslims. There is no other way forward.

In this country, the only way Allah will bless us is if we are firm to His religion and then we exude the akhlaq of the Prophet ﷺ. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make it easy for all of us, for our communities, protect us and our loved ones and do take reasonable precautions. There's a lot going on here.

And I would also advise you to think about sisters going out alone right now, perhaps for a few days or weeks. It might not be safe because of all of these realities. So take reasonable precautions. But in the end, Allah عز و جل is our Mawla and He is the best of all Mawla.

عِبَادَ اللهِ. Indeed Allah ta'ala has commanded you with a command which He began with Himself, and secondly with His noble angels, and thirdly with you O believers from among the jinn and humans. So He said, mighty is the One who said, and knowledgeable:

عِبَادَ اللهِ. Indeed Allah ta'ala commands justice and ihsan and giving to relatives, and He forbids fahsha and munkar and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will remember.

Remember Allah the Magnificent and He will remember you. Thank Him and He will increase you. And the remembrance of Allah ta'ala is greatest. And establish the prayer.