The Forgotten Gate of Paradise; Fathers with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni

الحمد لله وحده، والصلاة والسلام على من لا نبي بعده، نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم اللهم تسليماً كثيراً، أما بعد

All praise due to Allah and His praise, and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa alihi wa sallam.

The Mango and the Father

My dear brothers and sisters, I want to share with you something from my childhood. We used to travel to Egypt in the summer. And in Egypt, it is very well known in a specific area that they bring this delicious mango — all types of mangoes. You name it: five, six, seven, eight maybe different types of mangoes in front of you. And you pick that most juicy one — not very soft, not very firm. You know, a mix between that green and yellow color, and it just melts in your mouth, and the meat around the seed of it is so much and so nice.

I remember my father — when he would cut the mango, and I know he likes mango — he will always take the skin and eat the skin, and give us the rest of the mango. And I always asked myself: that golden juice of the mango and the meat of the mango, why doesn't he eat it? We get the best of the mango and he almost eats only the skin. One day we asked him, "Why do you eat the skin?" He said, "So you don't eat it."

I didn't understand at that time. I thought he meant something else. And I know my dad grew up in a poor family. My dad told us that some days he would not have money to provide dinner for himself — a couple of days would go by with no meals. So I know my dad grew up not in the lifestyle that I grew up in. So I was maybe wondering: maybe this is an old habit from the old days, you know, where you liked the skin and enjoyed it.

Until the time around COVID — I remember I brought home mangoes. It was so nice, from one of the halal stores here, and it was so delicious. And I was so ready to get my revenge on COVID and release all the frustration of being home. My daughters looked at it and said, "Wow, that looks nice!" Then I gave her a piece. My other daughter asked for another piece and I gave her a piece. My son asked for a piece and I gave him a piece. And it ended up — I was left with the skin.

I started eating the skin. And I had the same smile on my face that my father had — the same sense of satisfaction that he had. I realized that he did not enjoy eating the skin of the mango. He really enjoyed providing the best of the mango to his children. And that's what dad did. And I'm wondering over the years — how many mangoes he gave us, and he kept the skin for himself.

The Forgotten Rights of the Father

Unfortunately, when I look today at how children treat their parents — how they deal with their father — they will trust their friends over their fathers. They will please people who are strangers and care for their feelings more than they care for their parents and their father's feelings. They prefer to spend more quality time and show more kindness to those who are not related to them over their own father and own mother.

I have seen children that will listen to their spouses and disobey their parents. Children living with their parents in the same city, the same country — with FaceTime at hand and able to dial at any time — and days and weeks go by without them talking to each other. Even in the same house, two or three days will go by without having a meaningful conversation with their parents.

Sons and daughters, brothers and sisters — I wish I could go back in time to that table where my dad used to cut the mango. And if I go back in time, the first thing I will pick will be the skin of the mango. And if he asked me why, I said, "I did this so you don't eat it. You deserve to eat the best of it."

A father's tears and fears are unseen. His love unexpressed. But his care and protection remains a pillar of strength throughout our lives.

I will talk specifically today about the father, because I found that a lot of the time the father is kind of forgotten — his rights, his value, the importance of the role of the father in your life.

The Father: The Middle Gate of Jannah

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said in the hadith of Abu al-Darda', reported in Sunan al-Tirmidhi:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1900)

"Your father is the middle gate of Jannah" — the best of gates. What that means is: taking care of your father, looking after your father, will lead you to the best entrance to Jannah.

Your father is the one who brought you to life. Allah made him the reason for you to exist. You carry his name for the rest of your life. And if you don't like it and go change his name in the court — when you die and are resurrected in the biggest court and the most just court, which is on the Day of Judgment, you will be called by your father's name. It will be said: فلان ابن فلان — so-and-so, the son of so-and-so.

Jabir radiallahu anhu narrated that a man came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and said, "I have money and a son, and my father needs money." The man came and said, "Ya Rasulallah, I have children, I have a family, I don't have much money, but I have kids to care about and their future needs. My father needs help, needs money — and he took something to fulfill his need, not for luxury, maybe for food or a meal — he took from my money for his need." And he came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to complain about his father. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to that man:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 2291; also narrated in Musnad Ahmad)

"You and whatever you possess belong to your father." He can't go to court suing his father because he took a meal from him or took money that he needs.

And in the hadith of 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'As radiallahu anhu, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1899)

"When your father is pleased with you, Allah is pleased with you. When your father is angry with you, Allah is angry with you." But here it is important to keep in mind: his anger, if it is for the wrong reason, it will not count. And if he is pleased with you for the wrong reason, that will not count either. It is for the right reason, for the appropriate reasons.

Why Is the Father Often Forgotten?

I was wondering why the father is often forgotten. When we talk about birr al-walidayn — being dutiful to your parents — we all talk about the mother, the mother, the mother, which is absolutely no problem. But I found sometimes we have this misunderstanding — we think that just because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when a man came and said, "Ya Rasulallah, who deserves my best form of companionship and kindness?" He said, "Your mother." Then, "Who?" "Your mother." Then, "Who?" "Your mother." Then, "Who?" He said, "Your father" — in the fourth position.

Some people think that means the father is not important. This hadith is not to say that the father is not important. This hadith is to show you how important the mother is. The mother has three levels above the father because of three things the father cannot do: number one, your mother carried you — alhamdulillah; number two, delivery; number three, breastfeeding. That is why she was three times preferred, because these three things they cannot share — the mother supersedes the father in them. You might say the father spends money, but some mothers are rich, can work and make money. So in any other situation you will always find them can be equal. But these three things make the mother very special.

But what is wrong is to think that this hadith undermines the rights and the value of the father. As a matter of fact, not a single time does the Quran speak about parents and mention the mother by herself or the father by himself — they are always together. وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ — it is always put together, not referring to one over the other.

You know those who are so nice and kind to their mother and they don't care about their father? They are like those who pray but they don't give zakah. Like those who fast Ramadan but they don't pray the daily prayers. It doesn't work that way.

When the Father Is Involved in Sin

I find sometimes people kind of forget the father or undermine his rights when the father is involved in haram things. Some people tell me, "Sheikh, my father is a fasiq. He's bad. He doesn't pray. He doesn't do this. He doesn't do that. He deals in haram. He lies. He has bad character," and so on. I said, "Yes, okay." Allah said in the Quran — and Allah said: if your father is a kafir, and there is no worse sin than kufr — that is the worst sin ever committed on the face of this earth — if he is a kafir, Allah ordered you to be kind and good to him. Not only that, Allah said:

Not only is he an unbeliever — no, no, he is also an abuser in religion. He wants you to stop worshipping Allah. He is forcing you, putting pressure, taking means to stop you from being a good Muslim. That type of father — Allah said: live with them in kindness, وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا — be in their company. Not to abandon, not to avoid them, not to cut them off.

When the Father Is Firm

Also, sometimes we feel our fathers are tough. So many times I didn't like it with my father, or you don't like it when your father is firm about things. "No" means "no" — you can't go, you can't stay late, you can't go to that person's home, you can't wear that, you can't do that. And they are firm. And I know it is sometimes annoying. Sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. Sometimes it makes sense later on in time.

But what I want you to know is that whatever the reason, it should not be the reason for you not to be connected with your parents, especially your father. Be patient. Tolerate your father. And yes — if the abuse reaches a level that it is harmful and not safe, you leave the house, you go to a safe space. Yes, there are some monstrous fathers. This is a special case.

But he is not a monster just because he told you, "I'm not going to get you a new car." Your father is not a bad man just because he said, "I'm not going to get a car for a high schooler." He is not a bad father just because he told you, "I can't pay for this fancy gift that you want. Sorry, you have to live with the PlayStation 4 — I can't afford 5 yet." Saying "all my father is a monster" is not fair.

The Gates of Jannah and Your Parents

Ibn 'Abbas radiallahu anhu narrated that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said: there is not a single Muslim who has both parents alive — both of my parents passed away, and many here will share the same with me — but if you are a Muslim and you have both your parents alive, every day in the morning Allah opens two big gates of Jannah for them. The same in the night. If they are pleased with you. But if you are giving them a hard time, making them angry, fighting with them, disobeying them, disrespecting them, challenging them — Allah closes those two doors in Jannah and opens two doors in Hellfire for you, every day and every night.

As I said, so many times we misjudge our parents. We think they are bad, they are wrong, they didn't get it right. You know, it's funny — and unfortunately the society makes it so normal. "You don't understand me, Dad." "You didn't know." "I know better." But I said: just wait — the older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.

The Absent Father and the Father in Divorce

Sometimes we get angry at our father because he is not there. We are so connected to mom because she is always with us. "I don't see him much. He's always busy, working, traveling." Yeah. But I want you to know something I learned in my years of growing up: every time I remember that yes, sometimes when my father doesn't have my hand, I know that he has got my back. I know if he is not with me today and he is traveling, it is because he wants to provide for me. That man — when you work hard — that means a lot, so you can have the comfortable life that you have. By the time you realize that maybe your father was right, that is when you have a son who is saying you are wrong.

One of the reasons I feel the father is abandoned and treated badly is in the case of divorce. Immediately you line up against the father, with the mother. And that is wrong. I am not saying side against the mother, but especially when a divorce takes place, all you should try to do is reconcile, to help if you can. And if not — you don't take sides. Even if you assume the father is wrong, so many times you don't know because you didn't know the history, you didn't know what is between them. You have a right toward your father — if you feel your father is being abusive in the divorce, advise him. Tell him, "This is not right, this is not correct." But it doesn't mean that you cut him off.

"Oh, my father married another one" — and now you get angry at your father. You can give the advice, say whatever you want. But that is not a justification for you to be bad to him, to cut him off, to curse him, to use bad language.

The worst thing is when the mother turns the sons and the daughters against their fathers. It is one of the worst things a mother can do. Just as it is haram for the father to turn his children against their mother, it is haram for her to do the same.

It is just sad when it reaches the point that children will be fighting their parents in the courts, suing their fathers, taking them to court. It is one of the worst forms of 'uquq — disobedience. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: مُنْتَهَى الْقَطِيعَةِ — the worst form of disobedience, disrespect, and cutting ties with your parents is: أَنْ يَكُونَ وَالِدُكَ جَلِيسَكَ فِي السُّلْطَانِ — that you and your father sit across from each other in front of a judge.

I mean, if it happened, it happened — but I am saying this because I have seen some cases where a divorce case comes and the mother tells the children, "Come and testify against your father," and they exaggerate things. Your role should not be that. Don't lie. Yes, there is haqq, there is truth. But remember that your father and your mother have rights upon you. Your role is to advise, to make du'a for them, and wait until things cool down.

May Allah make us among those who are good to our fathers. May Allah have mercy on our fathers.

Second Khutbah: Acts of Worship vs. the Rights of Parents

إِنَّ مِنْ قِلَّةِ الْفِقْهِ فِي الدِّينِ — one of the manifestations of not understanding religion correctly is that someone, especially righteous people, people who try to do good, think that doing acts of worship — voluntary acts of worship — are more important than pleasing their father or their parents in general.

Can you imagine — in the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the war, the jihad — what could be better than that? To defend the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to defend Islam. A man said, "Ya Rasulallah, I want to come to fight with you." The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, "How about your parents? Are they okay with that?" He said, "No. They were crying that I left them." He said, "Go back to them and make them laugh as you made them cry. That is much better than joining my army, fighting with me, and dying as a shaheed."

A lot of people think that being involved in da'wah or doing this or doing that — on the expense of abandoning their parents, on the expense of not fulfilling their parents' rights — is acceptable. Sa'eed ibn al-Musayyib said: "Not a single time was I praying a voluntary prayer and my father called my name, unless I cut my salah immediately and answered him. I would not finish the salah — but it is a voluntary prayer."

Practical Ways to Honor Your Father

It is so nice when your son helps you financially. I asked about this young graduate — I know the future is big in front of you. I know your parents maybe don't need your money, but you know what, it means a lot when you just make money and you say, "Hey Dad, this is $5,000, this is $10,000, this is a new car I'm getting for you. Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me money."

And there is another khutbah for those parents who abuse their role and abuse their children, but that is not my talk today. You know those kids who work and make money and have a full-time job, and still their parents pay for their phone bills, pay for their car insurance, still pay for their daily expenses? Even if your father is a millionaire — even if he is — it is about you as a son showing your appreciation to him. You should pay for his expenses if you can. And if you know your parents are in debt, you pay off their debts. And you don't show off, and you don't make it a favor to them.

Make du'a for them. In Sahih al-Bukhari, Ibn 'Abbas said that Sa'd ibn 'Ubadah radiallahu anhu — his mother passed away. He came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and said, "Ya Rasulallah, my mom passed away and I wasn't here to take care of her. I was traveling. I feel guilty that I did not fulfill her rights at the end of her time. Do you think it will benefit her if I donate something on her behalf?" He said, "You are my witness, Ya Rasulallah, that my farm — the one that produces the most dates, the one that makes the most money — I have made it for my mom." So that means it is sadaqah jariyyah: every year when the fruit comes, it sells, and it goes on her behalf.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 2756)

My brothers and sisters, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said the parents in Jannah will be elevated and they will say, "Why? What did we do?" They will be told, "Nothing — but your children made du'a for you, made istighfar for you, and that is what elevated them in Jannah."

Express Your Love

Maybe today you can do something nice for your father. Once I got this beautiful message from my daughter. She said: "Dad, I know you have loved me as long as I have lived, but I want you to know that I have loved you all my life." Just nice. You don't need to be so eloquent with lines like that. But express what you feel. Just say to him, "Thank you." And if he passed away, make du'a for him. Say, "Allah, I want to thank my father for all what he did for me."

I will never forget that Facebook picture of a brother next to his father. He was mashAllah tall and the father was short. And he wrote a very nice caption underneath. He said: "Dad, no matter how tall I get, I will always look up to you." That expression is so important. Just a nice word — sadaqah.

I just told my son on my way here — "Hey, I don't like this" — or to my daughter — "My opinion: I don't like it." And immediately, he took it off. That is a good deed. That is something Allah rewards you for — even if I happen to like it. And you know what? You do this for Allah to please Him.

Closing Reflection

Finally, I want to say: fathering is not something perfect men do. Fathering is not perfect, and is not something perfect men do. But for sure, it is something that perfects the man.

May Allah make us good fathers and make us good to our children. May Allah accept our deeds. May Allah forgive our sins. May Allah make this a blessed year for all of us. May Allah make it easy for our brothers and sisters in Gaza and in every land where there is bloodshed and unrest. May Allah bring peace to the world. May Allah bless us with good leaders who will make us live in safety and prosperity and in a moral society, here and around the world.

May Allah forgive our parents. May Allah forgive them and have mercy on them, and forgive them and honor their descendants and raise their ranks in Paradise, O Lord of Glory and Honor. May Allah grant us the ability to be good to them, alive and dead.

May Allah bless our Prophet Muhammad and his family and companions. May Allah have mercy on you.