Being a Real Man (with Sign Language) - Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim

Being a Real Man

Always and forever we begin with the praise of Allah. We send our prayers of peace upon our Nabi Muhammad ﷺ. We testify with firmness, with conviction, that there is none that is worthy of worship but Allah, and that Muhammad ﷺ is his worshiping slave and final messenger. I continue to remind myself and you of Taqwa Allah.

And I pray that Allah inherits in me and you a Taqwa, a piety, and a consciousness of being that is of greater worth and practice in our private life than what we seek to show each other publicly, Allahumma Ameen. I pray that Allah opens our heart to His love and the love of others. I pray that Allah puts in our mind and hearts a fear of Him that isn't eroded by the hope of His mercy, the Most High, the Almighty.

My dear brothers and sisters, in this beautiful masjid, may Allah make it a masjid ussis ala taqwa — established upon piety. Today in these few minutes, I wish to remind you of what it means to be a man. And in speaking about this, it is not the presumption that I've completed what it is that I will discuss with you today.

But it is as Allah says to us in the Qur'an, to make a reminder:

Remind them, remind the believers, because the believers benefit from being reminded regularly.

The Difference Between a Male and a Man

There's a difference between being a male and being a man. And that difference is shown in the Qur'an in a variety of contexts and in many different ways. When Allah speaks about the species within humanity, He says:

The word is ذَكَر — a male. But when Allah speaks about a man, رَجُل, He qualifies the person's actions, statements, habits, ideals, and beliefs. So Allah would say:

Men are those who are truthful in that which they have made as a promise witnessed unto Allah.

Men are those who trade and commerce, business and its dealings, do not distract them from the remembrance of Allah and the establishment and regularity of Salah.

True men are those who establish themselves in responsibility for the women that are in their care and governance.

The Sunnah: Familiar But Disfigured

I wish to speak to you today, my dear brothers and sisters, plainly. Because it's important for us to remember the teachings that are a part of who we are. Sometimes the sunnah is familiar but disfigured. We know the words of the hadith but its practice isn't with the spirit intended by the Prophet ﷺ.

All of us know this hadith where the Prophet ﷺ would say that you want to raise your children to be those who have leadership and responsibility — that your son learns how to swim, and ride a horse, and shoot arrows. And you think to yourself, mashallah, these are things I want my son to learn. But it's not about learning how to swim. They lived in the desert, in Makkah al-Mukarramah, in Al-Madinah al-Munawwarah, and the Prophet is talking about swimming. Why?

The Prophet wants you to raise your son, ya Abdullah, to be a person who can face the challenges that they haven't experienced yet. That if your son is out of this desert and finds himself on a ship and is about to drown, he can save himself. He has learned the tools to survive in society — in any society. He knows when to speak and when to push. He knows when to speak and when to be silent. He knows what it means to be strong.

As the Prophet ﷺ says in the hadith recorded by Imam Muslim:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 45, Hadith 147)

The one who is mighty is not the one who can pin others down and hold them down and wrestle them to the ground. But the one who has true strength — a رَجُل — is the one who can govern himself. مَلِك — they become a king of their soul, of their heart, of their emotion. يَمْلِكُ — they can hold it at a moment of anger when others say what you shouldn't say, when others do what shouldn't be done, when others leave when they should remain.

الرَّجُلُ الْكَامِل — The Complete Man

We forget that the Arab who lived before Islam used to have this concept of الرَّجُلُ الْكَامِل — a complete man. Subhanallah, the Arab before Islam, who were in jahiliyyah, who were worshippers of graven images that they made with their own hands — they had this concept that they called الْمُرُوءَة — chivalry, nobility, honor.

One of the greatest problems our ummah faces today is the man-boy. A man in body, but a boy in mind and heart. Sometimes, in my position, I'll get sisters who will come and say, "Sheikh, there's this young man that I'm thinking of marrying. He's not Muslim." You say, Subhanallah. It's the reality.

Often you'll get sisters wearing hijab, from good families. You sit with them and you speak, and you might be offended initially. You might think to yourself, Astaghfirullah, of course it's haram. And that's what's explained. But why? Why has a sister from a good home, from a good family, looked outside what is familiar? What should be attractive? What should nurture her desire to be with a Muslim man? Because many times our sisters see boys in the shape of men.

You find sisters, mashallah, who pursue their education, who are nurtured upon the Qur'an. And then you come to select an eligible son that you wish to call your son-in-law. Someone who will take this amanah, that when you put your hand in his hand, and the imam sits between you, and says to you to repeat after me: أَنْكَحْتُكَ — I give you my daughter in marriage. Sometimes you look across, and the man whose hand you're holding, you see a boy and not a man. And you worry about your daughter.

And you see the spread of divorce in our communities amongst those early in marriage — 20-year-olds, 21-year-olds, 25-year-olds, one year together, two years together, three years together. Statistics now are saying within the first three years, 70% are getting divorced in this country, in the United Kingdom — 68% to be precise. Why? Because he's more interested in his PlayStation than in earning a living. He's more interested in the phone than in the person who shares his bed. He's more interested in the pornography that has polluted his mind and heart and body than in the halal that is tayyib. This is the reality for many.

The Qualities of a Complete Man

The Arab, before Islam, said الرَّجُلُ الْكَامِل — a complete man — had sifat. When you see him, you'd know. As soon as you saw him, you'd say, mashallah, this man is a man-man. He's not a man-boy. The Prophet defines it in our deen. Through the hadith, you begin to see what the Prophet means.

1. He Earns His Own Provision

When the Prophet ﷺ says in the authentic hadith:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1471)

For a man — رَجُل — to take a rope, and go out into the wilderness and cut down branches from trees, tie those branches with the rope, bend over and carry them on his back to sell as firewood — that is better, خَيْرًا, than to be a person who takes a cent, a dirham, from anyone else.

Abd al-Rahman ibn Awf, رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ وَأَرْضَاهُ, was a man. He used to be a wealthy man in Mecca. And when the time of hijrah came, they took everything from him. You can't go if you want to be with Muhammad — everything is ours.

And this hadith is in al-Bukhari. When he finally made it to Al-Madinah al-Munawwarah, the Prophet ﷺ established brotherhood between the Muhajirun and the Ansar — he put a link between a muhajir, a refugee, and an ansar, a local resident. And the Prophet ﷺ had hikmah. The rich man of Mecca was made the brother and partner of a rich man in Madinah. Because if you make a poor man from Mecca the partner of a rich man in Madinah, the poor man says, "I've made a brother — I just sit back."

Abd al-Rahman ibn Awf, although bankrupt — they had taken everything — was made the brother of Sa'd, the wealthiest man in Madinah. And Sa'd said to him: أَنْتَ أَخِي وَقَدْ آخَى بَيْنِي وَبَيْنَكَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ — You are now my brother. Back then they used to inherit from each other, that's how close they were — better than blood brothers. "Now, if you need a house, I have two. See which of them you like, and I will give it to you. I have two farms — see which of them you prefer, I give it to you. I even have two wives. Wallahi, if you seek, I will divorce one so that you can have one to marry."

In all of this, Abd al-Rahman had his head down, رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ وَأَرْضَاهُ, and said to him:

May Allah bless your wealth, your family, and your homes. I don't want any of that. Show me the market. Show me where I can earn a living.

They walked in the market and one thing was missing — nobody was selling firewood. He asked why. It was said: "It's so hot. Madinah in summer is so hot. Nobody goes out into the wilderness that surrounds to bring back wood until after Asr. And everyone sends someone out to just get enough for the day because it's unbearable to go out there."

He said, "That's it. I have something I want from you. Can I have a rope?" Allahu Akbar. رَجُل — "Can I have a rope?" He covered himself and his face, and he went out into the desert to search for wood in the fiercest heat of Madinah. And he returned back, going and coming, going and coming, using his body to earn the rizq of Allah that is promised to him. Until he filled the stall in the marketplace of Madinah. When everyone came out after the heat, they saw they didn't need to go out and get wood. Everybody bought from him. He sold his wood, took the profit, bought some textiles — and Abd al-Rahman ibn Awf, رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ, passed away again as one of the wealthiest of the sahaba of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.

Abu Bakr — The Example of Dignity in Work

Nobody in our ummah after Rasulullah ﷺ exceeds Abu Bakr, رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ وَأَرْضَاهُ. Nobody. Can you imagine? After being given the bay'ah as Khalifat Rasulillah — he's now the khalifah — the next morning after Fajr, Umar رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ is standing by his door waiting to help. And Abu Bakr comes out of his house carrying a bundle of fabrics, going to his shop in the souk of Madinah. Abu Bakr. The one who was in the cave with Muhammad ﷺ. The one who gave all of his wealth to Rasulullah ﷺ. Carrying on his back fabrics to go out to his shop and sit to sell — to the young and the old, to the Muslim and the non-Muslim.

And Umar says, "What are you doing, Abu Bakr?" He said, "I'm going to seek my rizq." Umar says, "No — now you are busy. We will find a way for you to have rizq." Look at the mentality of a man — as-sidq.

2. He Is Truthful — Even About His Enemy

Abu Sufyan رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ وَأَرْضَاهُ — he became a Muslim after this incident. He's in Damascus, trading. He's still a mushrik, an enemy of Muhammad ﷺ. Heraclius, the emperor of the Byzantines at that time, summons him: "Come to me." Muhammad ﷺ had sent a letter to Heraclius, and he wants to verify — who is this Muhammad? Bring me the chief of the Arabs who is visiting. They bring Abu Sufyan, the chief of Quraysh.

"Tell me about Muhammad." Abu Sufyan — an unbeliever, an enemy, a hater of Rasulullah ﷺ — he says: "If I did not fear that my people would think of me as a poor man, as a lesser of a man, as a liar, I would have lied about Muhammad ﷺ. Because it's to my advantage — I could convince this king to send an army now." But he says: "Nothing stopped me except the truth. I'm a man. I can't lie even about my enemy."

They ask him about Muhammad ﷺ. He doesn't believe in him. He's his enemy. He speaks the truth. Because it's not about faith — a sadiq is a sadiq is a sadiq. Muslim or not. And a liar — لَيْسَ مِنَّا — as the Prophet ﷺ said.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

A man will lie, and will begin to be repetitive in his lies, until Allah writes that he is a liar — do not listen to him. In our deen, we honor the hadith of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, and one of the greatest conditions that has protected our deen is as-sidq — truthfulness. If one person comes and says, "This man lied to me," everything he says about the Prophet ﷺ is rejected. Because if you can lie about the dunya, if you can lie about a dirham, how do we know you will not lie about Muhammad ﷺ?

3. He Is Qawwam — An Establisher of Responsibility

A man is قَوَّام — an establisher of responsibility. After the break, I'm going to give you an example from Musa alayhi salam to show you what it means to be a man.

Alhamdulillah wahdah, was-salatu was-salamu ala man la nabiya ba'da Muhammad ibn Abdillah, alayhi afdal as-salat wa atamm at-taslim.

The Example of Musa — The Staff of a Man

Musa is standing before Allah on the mountain of Tur Sina, in the blessed spot. And Allah is speaking to Musa and says:

What is in your right hand, O Moses? Not "what is in your hand" — it could be right or left. Allah is telling him: I see you now. What's in your right?

He said: "It is my staff — my stick. I lean on it. I restrain my flock of sheep with it. And I use it for many other things."

See, if you were to ask me, "Yahya, what is in your hand?" I will say, "It's a paper." I'm truthful. But I didn't tell you what's on the paper, who uses it, what it's for. I don't go into detail, I'm not transparent, I'm not open. I just say "it's a paper" — and it's the truth. Not Musa alayhi salam.

The mufassireen, when they look at this little interchange, tell you this shows you the truthfulness of Musa alayhi salam as a character and an example of a complete man. Why does he say أَتَوَكَّأُ عَلَيْهَا? أَتَوَكَّأُ — I lean on it — means three things.

Number one: When I'm healthy, I use my stick to be cautious. I'm not a person who's quick to judgment. I don't run down a mountain. I'm very careful in how I walk and my pace. Because I have a family who relies on me — I don't want to be hurt. So I'm careful with my stick.

Number two: أَتَوَكَّأُ — when I'm sick, when I'm unwell, when things are not good, I would rather be standing and leaning than sitting and somebody else doing my work. My family cannot rely on somebody other than me. I'm the one who is قَائِم — standing up — even when others sit down.

Number three: When I'm tired — not just injured — I stand at attention, leaning on it, so that even if I'm not doing anything, people from a distance know to stay away. The wolf, if it wants to come to my sheep, it sees me. I'm standing up. I won't even sit on a rock nearby, even if I'm asleep.

Sulayman alayhi salam — Allah describes him in the Qur'an, that the jinn who were ordered to build things for him didn't know he had died until دَابَّةُ الْأَرْضِ — the termite — ate his stick that he was leaning on:

When he fell — when he had died — that's when the jinn knew. Subhanallah — he was always watching, he was always there, he was always at attention.

Abdullah, if you're a sitter, if you're at home, if you're asleep, if you're making excuses, if you think it's beneath you to work — something that isn't in your training, isn't in your prestige — know that this is a deficiency in your مُرُوءَة, your رُجُولَة.

Rizq and its pursuit is one of the greatest ibadah you can perform. After this Salah, Allah gives you an order:

Run out into the earth far and wide — فِي الْأَرْضِ — not just in your city; if you need to travel to the end of the world. And seek the bounty of Allah. And remember Allah often, and do not forget Allah. If you wish to be successful in the dunya and in the akhirah.

The Prophet ﷺ as الرجل الكامل — The Complete Man

My last advice is to give you a picture of our Nabi Muhammad ﷺ as a complete man. الرَّجُلُ الْكَامِل that the Arabs speak of had three traits:

First: إِذَا حَدَّثَ صَدَقَ — when he speaks, it's always the truth. وَلَوْ عَلَى نَفْسِهِ — even against himself. Even if I'm wrong, I will say I'm wrong. That's a man. That's the first quality of a man.

Second: لَا يُوَلِّي دُبُرَهُ — he never turns his back to a challenge: in battle, in argument, in anything. He never turns and runs away. He's the one who puts himself forward to deal with whatever problem faces him in life. He's not a person who sits and waits.

Third: That he is passionate in love — لَهُ غَيْرَةٌ عَلَى أَهْلِهِ — that he has a passion for his family. The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895; declared Sahih by al-Albani)

The best of you is he who is best to his wife. And I use myself to you as the best example. صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ

Raising Men, Not Boys

May Allah help us to raise our sons to be men. Your son, ya Abdullah, is not your daughter. I want you to understand your Shari'ah. In our Shari'ah, your daughter has a right to a roof, to a home, to food, to clothes — until she's married. And if she's unmarried, she comes back, and her right is upon you to feed her, and clothe her, and care for her. Everything is met. Your daughter, from the moment she's born until the moment she dies, does not need to spend or earn a single pence. It is from you to someone who gives you a strong handhold. And if that handhold is broken, she returns to you. And if you are passed away, she returns to your brother, or to her brother, or to your son. This is our deen.

But sadly, we treat our boys the way we treat our daughters. You know your Shari'ah? Your son — the moment he becomes a man — anything you feed him, anything you clothe him, any roof you give him is sadaqah. Because he's a man. He's supposed to be a man. He's supposed to learn how to swim in the desert. He's supposed to be a رَجُل, whose word is true, whose heart is pure. He's not supposed to be reminded day in and day out by you for little things.

You ruin your son when you wash his clothes and prepare his food. You ruin him as a husband who doesn't understand the responsibility of helping his wife, of earning and living in that which is ordered by Allah:

Hold them in kindness and love and justice and equity — or let them go with graciousness and humility. You're ruining a generation. As Muslims, we're ruining our sons by not preparing them to deal with the realities of the world — where the mother has done everything for them. Even their shirt is ironed. How can you be a man, ya akhi, when you feel that everything has to be done for you?

And then you read about your Nabi ﷺ, who would wash his clothes, and cook his food, and iron and mend his garment. He would make his own sandals, ﷺ. And the one who narrates this hadith is Aisha رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا, who says — as narrated by Imam Abu Dawud — "I was sitting in front of him while he was mending his sandals." He doesn't say, "Take it, do it." رَجُل — a man — by the true meaning of the word.

May Allah allow us to raise a generation of men who can carry the amanah of the tawheed of لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ. It is with our manliness that victory arrives, and that hearts are healed, and that communities resurge, and that happiness is grown.

Du'a — Closing Supplication

I ask Allah to bless our homes with kindness and love. To make us from those whom the Qur'an leads to good. I pray that Allah opens our heart to the truth and closes it to falsehood. I pray that Allah shows us evil with our eyes so that we recognize it and be distant from it, and shows us righteousness with our eyes so that we can come closer to it. I pray that Allah elevates you and I in this dunya and raises us in the akhirah, daraja after daraja. And I pray that Allah saves my face and yours from the punishment of Jahannam.

I ask Allah to make us from those who are doors and keys of good to other people's lives — that we are able to assist others in their islah and in their happiness in that which is best for them in the dunya and akhirah.

I say this, and I seek forgiveness from Allah, the Magnificent, for me and for you. Seek His forgiveness — verily He is the All-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.