2015 10 30 Sheikh Arsalan Haq

Maintaining Family Ties: The Rights of Our Relatives

All praise is due to Allah. We praise Him, we ask His help, we ask His forgiveness and we ask His guidance. We seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our deeds. Whomsoever Allah guides, none can misguide him. And whosoever He leads astray, none can guide him.

I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship except Allah.

Brothers and sisters, most khateebs, when they begin their khutbah of Jum'ah, they begin with these few ayat of the Qur'an. Every Jum'ah, we hear these ayat. O mankind, have taqwa of your Lord. Protect yourselves from your Lord. The One who created you from a single soul, and created from that soul its mate. And spread among them many men and women. And from those two original human beings, He brought forth many men and women.

And then He says, And fear Allah, in Whom you ask for help and mercy. Have taqwa of two things. The first is Allah — the One in Whose Name you ask others to do you favors. "I ask you by Allah, please do this for me." Have taqwa of Allah, in Whose Name you ask favors from each other. And have taqwa of al-arham — your family members. Allah is watching closely how you behave.

Our families, our relatives, have rights over us, brothers and sisters. And Allah azza wa jal teaches us to watch for those rights. And fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala regarding those rights. And He puts that next to His own taqwa — in an ayah that gets recited every week, at the beginning of the largest weekly congregation for Muslims, the Friday prayer.

The Importance of Family in Our Deen

Maintaining family ties. Connecting with family members. Taking care of them. Looking out for them. Staying in touch with them. Being good to them. This is extremely important in our deen.

How important is it? Allah azza wa jal, in some places in the Qur'an, like in Surah an-Nisa, tells us about this after He tells us about tawheed. Allah azza wa jal says:

Worship Allah alone, do not associate partners with Him, and be good to the following people. Number one is your parents, and number two are your close relatives. And then the orphans and the needy and others in the list that Allah azza wa jal mentions.

Brothers and sisters, why does Allah azza wa jal emphasize this so much? Why are there so many reminders in the Qur'an about being good to family members? One reason is because it's difficult. Different members of a family have different personalities. Sometimes I might be sitting with my in-laws and the way they keep their house, or the way they talk, or the way they spend their money, or the way they raise their children, their punctuality or lack of punctuality — there are things that they do that may rub me in the wrong way. My brother might have a lifestyle that is different from my own lifestyle. My sister may have an attitude issue — every time she sits down with me and my wife, she says something that rubs us in the wrong way.

It's difficult, brothers and sisters, to maintain good relationships with our relatives and our family members. It's very easy to cut off the relationship. "I'm not going to visit them anymore. Every time I go and visit them, they annoy me. They say something that just messes up my mood for the rest of the day." It's very easy to do that. But Allah azza wa jal doesn't want us to do that. Our deen places a lot of importance on family — not just the nuclear family, the extended family. And this is one reason why Allah azza wa jal keeps reminding us about this in the Qur'an.

Silat al-Rahim as a Sign of Faith

So important is it, brothers and sisters, that the Prophet ﷺ says this in a hadith related by Abu Hurairah رضي الله تعالى عنه:

Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day must have a good relationship with his family members. This is a sign of faith, brothers and sisters. Do I truly believe in Allah and the Last Day? If I do, then I will do what He wants me to do, despite the fact that I don't like it, despite the fact that it is difficult. That is a test of my iman. فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ — he must reconnect the ties of kinship.

The Reward for Maintaining Ties and the Punishment for Severing Them

Allah azza wa jal mentions in a few ayat in Surah ar-Ra'd the reward of silat al-rahim and the punishment for the opposite. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

Talking about those that Allah azza wa jal is praising — He says they are those who connect that which Allah has commanded them to connect, referring to connecting the ties of kinship, reconnecting with family members, being good to family members. Allah has commanded you to do it. It doesn't matter whether you like it or not, whether it's easy for you or not. Allah has commanded you to do it.

And then Allah azza wa jal says:

That in the hereafter these people — those who reconnect with their family members, with their relatives — they will be in Gardens of Eden. They will enter their inn, and their parents and their spouses and their children will enter their inn with them. And the angels will come and greet them from every door of paradise: سَلَامٌ عَلَيْكُم بِمَا صَبَرْتُمْ — "Peace be unto you for the patience that you endured with regards to your relatives." فَنِعْمَ عُقْبَى الدَّارِ — What a beautiful abode for those people.

And then Allah azza wa jal continues and He says:

Those who do the opposite — who sever the ties, who don't want to reconnect them after they're severed — أُولَٰئِكَ لَهُمُ اللَّعْنَةُ — they will have the curse of God. Allah azza wa jal is the One cursing, not me, not you, not him or her. Allah is saying, أُولَٰئِكَ لَهُمُ اللَّعْنَةُ — the curse of God. And the curse of God has its effect in this world and the hereafter. وَلَهُمْ سُوءُ الدَّارِ. May Allah azza wa jal protect us from His curse.

Worldly Benefits of Maintaining Family Ties

But these are benefits and harms in the afterlife. What about in this world? Are there any benefits in this world of patiently enduring the insults and the abuses of our family members and, despite those, maintaining a good relationship with them? The Prophet ﷺ says in a hadith related by Anas ibn Malik رضي الله تعالى عنه:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5986; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2557)

Do you want Allah azza wa jal to bless you in your wealth? Do you want Allah azza wa jal to bless you in your sustenance? The Prophet ﷺ is saying: whoever wants that to happen, whoever wants the barakah of Allah azza wa jal in the income that they bring home, let them then maintain good relationships with their family members. So even in this world there is benefit. We prosper in our income, in our lives, if we can maintain a good relationship with our family members.

Worldly Punishment for Severing Family Ties

If we don't do that, brothers and sisters — if we refuse to reconnect with our family members, with our relatives — there are consequences. According to a hadith in Sahih Muslim, the Prophet ﷺ says:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2556)

The one who severs ties with his relatives or her relatives shall not enter paradise. That's a very, very scary hadith. We already talked about Allah's curse.

Ali ibn Husayn, Zayn al-Abideen رضي الله تعالى عنهما said to his son: "Oh my son, do not spend time with the person who severs the ties of kinship. Don't accompany such a person, because I have found him cursed in the book of Allah in not one place, not two places, but in three places in the Qur'an. Cursed by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala."

Once again, these are punishments in the hereafter. What about in this world? Are there punishments in this world? Yes, even in this world. Abu Bakra رضي الله تعالى عنه relates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

(Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4902; Jami' at-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2511)

There is no sin for which Allah swiftly punishes the person in this life — in addition to the punishment that He is going to reserve for this person in the hereafter — except for two: oppression and severing the ties of kinship. The one who breaks the ties, who disconnects from his or her family members — the punishment for this person comes in this world before it comes in the hereafter. And it comes in different ways. Sometimes you start experiencing difficulty in your life and you don't know what happened — this may be the cause. You are fine and then someone in your household falls sick, or you become ill, or you start having incredible challenges at work that you didn't have before. Anything can happen. Allah azza wa jal has many ways in which He reprimands and warns and disciplines and punishes.

Brothers and sisters, as for the good deeds that we do — come to the masjid, attend classes, participate in activities, donate money, blood drives — all these good deeds that we do, even they are affected because of the way we treat our family members. The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 6641)

He said ﷺ that the actions of the child of Adam are presented before Allah every Thursday night — the night before Friday, like last night — they are presented before Allah, and He does not accept the actions of the one who has severed the ties of kinship.

There are many more texts, but the time does not permit, and I believe that these should be sufficient for us, insha'Allah.

What Does Silat al-Rahim Actually Look Like?

What do we need to do? What amounts to silat al-rahim? What amounts to being good to our relatives and family?

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: Save yourselves and your families from the fire of hell. This is a duty that we have to our relatives — reminding them of Allah, reminding them of the hereafter, encouraging them to do things that will bring them closer to Allah and away from the hellfire. That's the first duty that we have.

The second duty is to assist them — whether it's financially or morally or physically or other types of assistance — we have to provide assistance to our relatives and our family members. That is part of silat al-rahim.

Visitation — we have to visit them from time to time, especially on special occasions, happy occasions and sad occasions. "But they don't visit me." Doesn't matter. That's the whole point — visit them. If you can't visit them, make a phone call. And making a phone call is not sufficient for parents, by the way — if the parents request you to visit them, you must visit them. That's special for parents. But with other relatives, at least calling them from time to time, especially on happy and sad occasions.

Saying salam and showing concern for their well-being. "But he doesn't say salam to me." It doesn't matter. You begin. You say salam — because you fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, because you want your salvation, because you want the benefits from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, because you want to be protected from the curse of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You do that. You say salam and you show concern for their well-being.

Give gifts to each other. Show appreciation to each other for whatever good the other person is doing. Honor the elders among your family — honor them, they're your elders; it doesn't matter what they say to you. And show love to the young ones — not just your own children, your sister's children, your sister-in-law's children, your brother's children, all young ones.

Invite each other — extend invitations to others and respond to their invitations, go when they invite you. "They didn't come to my invitation last time, so I won't go." "They don't come when we invite them." It doesn't matter — that's the point.

And forgive them, brothers and sisters. Ask for forgiveness and show forgiveness. Allah azza wa jal will forgive you.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala forgive us all.

Second Part of the Khutbah

All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the worlds, and the best of prayers and complete submission to our master Muhammad and to his family and all his companions.

O you who have believed, fear Allah and say the right words. He will correct your deeds and forgive you your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger فَقَدْ فَازَ فَوْزًا عَظِيمًا — has indeed achieved a great triumph.

The True Meaning of Silat al-Rahim

Brothers and sisters, it's very easy to make excuses — very easy — because there is someone who is always suggesting to us very clever excuses. We get a lot of help in making excuses. "How can you expect me to be good to my uncle, to my mother-in-law? They've treated me so horribly. They've treated my wife so horribly. They've treated my children so horribly. I was fine with them but they are the ones who severed the ties. They are the ones who insulted. They are the ones who offended. Everything was going fine — they are the ones who disconnected. So I'm not responsible. They are the ones who did it. They have to come back and apologize."

Listen to this hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ in Sahih al-Bukhari. He says:

Silat al-rahim is not to return a favor with a favor — "when they're being good to me, I'm good to them." This is not silat al-rahim. Rasulullah ﷺ says silat al-rahim is actually when the other side is insisting on severing the ties and you insist on reconnecting them — that is silat al-rahim, brothers and sisters. That is what silat al-rahim is all about. The other side continues in their negative, horrible ways, but you continue to show them the love and the kindness and the care and the affection.

If you can't do it for them, don't do it for them — do it for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Do it because you love Allah, because He wants you to do that, because it is part of your faith. Just like you get up in the middle of the night and perform wudu in the cold winter nights to pray Salat al-Fajr — nobody likes to do that, but we do that. We fast long days in the heat of the summer — nobody likes to do that, but we do that. Because we believe in Allah, because we want His reward, because we don't want His punishment. Same thing here. This is a different type of endurance, a different type of pain and struggle, and it is a true test of our iman.

A Man Who Came to the Prophet

And I'll close with this hadith. Abu Hurairah رضي الله عنه narrates that a man came to the Prophet ﷺ and he said:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2558)

He said: "O Messenger of Allah, I have some relatives — every time I try to be good to them, they return the favor with rudeness, with abuse, with things that nobody likes. Every time I try to connect with them, they disconnect. Every time I extend a hand to them, they pull back their hand. Every time I do something good to them, وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَيَّ — they respond with something that is evil and harmful and hurtful. وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَيَّ — every time I show forbearance and patience, that only increases them in their jahili attitude, their ignorant, foolish attitude."

Sounds familiar, right? What this person is saying sounds familiar — it happens to all of us, I'm sure. The Prophet ﷺ said to him:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2558)

"If it is truly as you say, then they are putting the hellfire into their mouths. As for you, there will continue to be support and assistance from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala with you, as long as you continue to behave in the way that you have described to me."

Du'a

May Allah azza wa jal give us the strength to reconnect our ties of kinship despite whatever we face from them. May Allah azza wa jal give us the strength in iman to do that. May Allah azza wa jal forgive us for our shortcomings. May Allah azza wa jal bring our hearts together. May Allah azza wa jal bring our families together. May Allah azza wa jal protect our hearts and our families from the evil of Shaytan, whose life goal is to break families — starting with the husband and wife, parents and children, siblings, and on. May Allah azza wa jal protect us from the evil plots of Shaytan. And may Allah azza wa jal forgive us for our shortcomings.