Sh.Kamal Elmekki

Opening

إِنَّ الْحَمْدَ لِلَّهِ، نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِينُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ، وَنَعُوذُ بِاللهِ مِنْ شُرُورِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا، مَنْ يَهْدِهِ اللهُ فَلَا مُضِلَّ لَهُ، وَمَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَلَا هَادِيَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ.

أَمَّا بَعْد، فَإِنَّ أَصْدَقَ الْحَدِيثِ كِتَابُ اللهِ، وَأَحْسَنَ الْهَدْيِ هَدْيُ مُحَمَّدٍ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، وَشَرَّ الْأُمُورِ مُحْدَثَاتُهَا، وَكُلَّ مُحْدَثَةٍ بِدْعَةٌ، وَكُلَّ بِدْعَةٍ ضَلَالَةٌ، وَكُلَّ ضَلَالَةٍ فِي النَّارِ.

The High Station of Fathers in Islam

Brothers and sisters in Islam, today our khutbah is about fathers. We know that Allah gave both parents a very high position in Islam, and that Allah when he commands us to worship him — which is the purpose of life — and then he warns us of shirk — which is the number one sin — he immediately tells us to be dutiful to our parents:

Your Lord decreed that you do not worship anyone besides Him, and then immediately Allah says وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا — and you be good and dutiful to your parents.

And worship Allah and do not worship anything besides Him or associate anything in worship with Him, وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا — and be good to your parents.

But the father in particular is not talked about very much. A lot of khutbahs and a lot of lectures address the place of the mother, but really not that much for the father. And we need to talk about the father, because we live in a society that has marginalized the role of the father — where he is presented as foolish and bumbling in the media, in commercials, in movies and sitcoms — and because also the father is not even considered in charge of his home anymore; it's a "partnership" now and a "democracy" and all that stuff. So the father is being marginalized more and more.

But the Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ said:

(Sunan Ibn Mājah, Hadith 3663; also narrated in Sunan al-Tirmidhī, Hadith 1900)

The father is the middle of the gates of Jannah. Your father is the middle of the gates of al-Jannah. Your father is the one who sacrifices his money to provide for you what you need and what you want. He is the one who sacrifices his time — maybe he has dreams, hobbies that now he can't afford or doesn't have time for — because he's spending on you or putting you in private school. All these sacrifices that he makes. But at the end of the day the whole house gives him a hard time, and even when he asks his children to do something they huff and puff and argue and give arguments before they finally do it.

Obedience and Respect Toward Fathers

If the father or the mother or both parents ask the child to get a haircut, they refuse. And how many people in our community — how many parents — are grieved because their children refuse to get a haircut, or wear this instead of wearing that. How many parents who have come to me personally to convince their child they can't have a dog. It was enough if your parents said, "We don't want a dog." But they have to take it to the imam because the child is not going to listen to them.

How many parents have come up to us saying, "My child wants to wear a necklace — tell him it's haram." And necklaces are not haram. What we tell the children: to wear a necklace — silver, obviously not gold — it's not haram. But there's something more important than it being halal, and that is: do your parents approve of it or not?

So every time a child comes to us with their parents to settle the debate of necklaces, we always tell the child the same thing: it doesn't matter that it's halal. What matters is that your parents don't want you to have it. That's it. Don't argue. Don't bring it up every time. Don't try to get leverage and blackmail and twist their arm every time there's an issue because of the necklace. It's not haram, but your parents don't want it — that's enough.

It can't be that everything is a struggle — over haircuts, over clothing, over necklaces, over jewelry. It can't be. What is the role of parents if everything is a discussion and a debate and it keeps going on for months and months and months?

Take advice from your father. Accept his advice when he gives it to you. Don't do this whole "he was raised in another place and times have changed and he doesn't have TikTok" — all these things are irrelevant and have nothing to do with it. Not only should you take his advice — seek his advice. Come to him and ask him for advice, even if in the depth of your heart you don't want it. Seek his advice. Make him feel important. Make him feel relevant in your life.

One of the scholars said: your mother gives you life, but your father teaches you how to live life. All his experience, everything he learned — come to him, and when he gives you advice, accept it or at least consider it.

How Much Your Father Cares for You

He is the one who is so concerned for you that Allah had to warn him not to go overboard in his care for you:

Here in this verse Allah is saying: O you who believe, from your family and from your children are enemies to you, so be wary — be careful of them. And the scholars explain that your children, because of your care and concern for them, might take you away from the deen — pull you a little bit away from knowledge, from worship, from being an honest salesman — because you want to do something to gain their provision or to provide for them. You might lie a little bit or twist words a little bit to provide for them. That's how much they will care for you. That's how much your father cares for you.

In a hadith narrated by Imam Ahmad, the Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ said:

(Musnad Aḥmad, Hadith 20399)

Indeed the son — meaning your child, boy or girl — is مَبْخَلَةٌ وَمَجْبَنَةٌ. مَبْخَلَةٌ because you become stingy — because you want to keep your wealth for your children, you want to provide for them, you want to be able to afford whatever it is that they want. So you're going to become a little stingy: give a little less to the poor, give a little less to the masjid, give a little less to important causes, because you want to leave some for your family. وَمَجْبَنَةٌ — جُبْن is when someone is not courageous, always afraid. And مَجْبَنَةٌ because you're always afraid for them, you're always worried about them, or you fear dying. Some of the scholars specifically mentioned: you refuse to go to battle because you want to remain on earth to take care of them. So your children can become a source of stinginess for you and a source of — for lack of a better term — cowardliness for you, because you want to take care of them.

In al-Mustadrak, there is another term added: مَحْزَنَةٌ — meaning a source of sorrow. Because if you get sick, your father or your parents are hurt and concerned for you. If you get hurt, they're concerned for you. If they can't afford something, that causes them pain. So a source of sadness.

Also in a narration of al-Tabarani, another term is added: مَجْهَلَةٌ — which is ignorance. How so? The scholars explained that fathers seek less knowledge because they're giving all their time to you. So they seek less knowledge. They can't go to the halaqah they want to. They can't even read as much as they want because they're constantly taking care of the family. They come home and they're giving their attention here and there. The scholars mention it taking their time away from traveling — which people used to do to seek knowledge. All this is happening because of the child. All this is happening to the father — our focus in this khutbah is on the father — because of their sons and their daughters.

The Pleasure of Allah is Connected to the Pleasure of the Father

That is why in a hadith narrated by Ibn Hibbān, the Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ said:

(Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān, Hadith 429; also narrated in Sunan al-Tirmidhī, Hadith 1899)

The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the father. You want to please Allah? Please your father. And the scholars of course say: only in that which is halal — you don't please them in that which is haram. And Allah being displeased with you is in your father being displeased with you. This is the place of the father.

And many people don't realize their father's worth unless they're looking at him through the glass in the hospital while he's on his bed, or he's in his grave.

Fathers and Sons in the Quran

In the Quran we see the relationship between fathers and their sons. We see Nuh (peace be upon him) and the care he gave for his son's salvation and for his son's deen. We see Ibrahim (peace be upon him) with his father — his father is being very harsh with him and tells him:

"I don't want to see you for a long time — go away forever." And he is still responding to him in every single verse: يَا أَبَتِ — "O my father." We see Ibrahim (peace be upon him) with his son Ismail (peace be upon him), and we see Ismail's respect and obedience to his father. We see in the Quran, Allah quoting the advice of Luqman to his son.

So appreciate your father — even if he divorced your mother, you still have to respect and appreciate him. Even if he doesn't pray or does haram, you still have to respect him. You respecting your father has nothing to do with his relationship with Allah; it has everything to do with your relationship with him. The father-son relationship is not broken whether he prays or not, or does halal or haram or not. You still have to respect him. You still have to be obedient and respectful to him.

Don't burden him with things — help him out financially if you are able. There are some children who just burden their parents with things beyond their ability. Families where the young man — all his friends have brand new sports cars — so he pressures and pressures his family until he gets a sports car that is well above what they can afford. Understand: don't be another burden.

And the Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ — when his grandfather Abdul Muttalib died, he went to live with his uncle. Abdul Muttalib had 13 children and he was a poor person. And the Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ didn't just stay home and become another mouth to feed — he went and got a difficult job that paid very little, but he did his part instead of just being a burden. That is of course when we are talking about when he became a shepherd. So don't just be another financial burden and ask them to do things beyond what they can or beyond their ability.

Considering Your Father's Position in the Community

Consider his position. In America it's all about individuality — so if you believe something, if you feel something, make it public, post it, and it doesn't matter who agrees or disagrees. And you'll find someone whose father is an imam removing their hijab. Consider his position in the community. Everything is about you. Someone is doing drugs and talking about it publicly, or getting into all the other things that are now popular all over, and not considering that their father is a religious man — or a mu'adhdhin, or an imam, or leads a salah, or teaches the Quran. It's just about what I am, what I feel — "show your true colors," "be true to yourself." But it's not about that. It's about the family. It's about your parents. It's about their reputation as well.

Since when do we just consider how we are and how we feel? You owe that as well to your parents. And here we're talking to the youth in the audience — you owe that to your parents as well. It's not just about you. Think about your decision and how that impacts them, how that impacts their place in society and their place in the community.

Understanding Why Fathers Get Angry

Even if your father is angry all the time — and that's a big complaint, angry fathers — but why are they angry? One of the things they say is that the father sacrifices so much: from his wealth, from his time. Many people never spend time with their friends, just with the family the whole time. So they sacrifice so much. And so when their children let them down, they get extra angry, because: "I've sacrificed so much for you, and in the end this is how you disappoint me." So they get even more disappointed. Try to understand. Consider their position and where they're coming from.

One of the scholars mentioned: in the animal kingdom, the orphan is the animal that loses its mother — and that is so true in the animal kingdom; when the mother dies, the baby becomes an orphan. But for human beings, when the father dies you become an orphan. And the orphan in Islam is not the one who loses the mother — the orphan is the one who loses the father.

So with that we ask Allah to make us recognize the position of our fathers. We ask Allah for His forgiveness. Indeed those who ask for His forgiveness shall prosper.

The Rights of Children Upon Their Fathers

It's also important, as we're talking about fathers, that they understand the rights of their children upon them. And even though that's an entire khutbah in and of itself, there are a few things that are important.

There are some fathers who don't give any time to their children — don't give any time. They're the opposite of what we mentioned earlier. They're always out with their friends, always out at some place — coffee or whatever it is — and they spend very little time with their children. They don't show any interest in their children. Many fathers come home and they're just like some kind of supervisor or manager. They don't have any interest in their child's hobbies or abilities. All they ask is for a checklist: "What did you learn in school? Have you done your homework?" Or they ask about another chore. But no interest in them as a human being.

Beware of that. Beware of not giving them any time. Because when you don't invest in them, you don't get anything back. If their whole childhood you were absent, or you were cold, or you were just not attentive — then when they grow up, you're not going to get anything back from them. And that's when you will need them. You take care of them your entire life, and then as you get weaker and older and they become stronger, they take care of you. And that's when you want to reap what you've sown in the past.

Many people, when they're busy, push their child away. The child comes to them — "right now I'm busy" — or they're on the phone and the child comes to them and they push them away. Just think of what that does psychologically. For 14 years or 13 years, every time they come to you, you push them away. And then you wonder — when they're 18, 19 — you want to spend time with them, they don't want to spend time with you. They want to spend it with their friends, because you trained them for years by constantly pushing them away.

Balance: Neither a Dictator nor a Best Friend

We've got extremes now. We've got one extreme where we have that father who is just distant and unapproachable. And then we've got the other extreme of "be a friend to your child" — he calls you names and it's okay — "let him feel safe, don't push it." We're a religion of moderation. Just be right in the middle — that's always the best, moderation. Allah did not create you to be their best friend. That's not how it is. There's always authority, and without that it doesn't work. Talk to any psychologist, look it up if you want — that's how it works.

But create a balance. Don't just be a dictator in the house that brings fear when you enter — where when you come back from work there's fear all over the household. And don't come in like you're just another 14-year-old friend of theirs.

Closing Du'a

With that, we ask Allah to make us of those who recognize the truth as clear truth and follow the best of it, and to make us of those who recognize falsehood as clear falsehood and abstain from it. We ask Allah to grant victory to Islam and to the Muslims.