2015 11 13 Sheikh Khalil Abdul Rashid

The Adhan

As-salāmu alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.

The Khutbah: Lowering the Gaze and Raising Our Children

Opening: A Profound Hadith on Raising Children

Ammā ba'du. It is reported — and in some statements of the ulema it's actually not even a hadith according to some; it's actually a piece of advice, actual words from Ali ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him — but either way, the statement is this:

(Attributed to Ali ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him; also cited in various forms by scholars of tarbiyah.)

When it comes to children: lā'ibūhu bi-sab'in — play with them for the first seven years. Wa-addibūhum bi-sab'in — and then discipline them, teach them, educate them, and teach them akhlāq and adab and knowledge — what is right and what is wrong — for the next seven years, from seven to fourteen. And then finally, wa-khālilūhum bi-sab'in — after fourteen, become their khalīl, their friend. Play with them for seven. Train them for seven. Befriend them for seven — that is the upshot.

A Lesson from the Seerah: The Prophet's Gentle Correction

There was an event in the seerah where the Prophet ﷺ was teaching, and it has been reported to us from our teachers that it was a gathering, and in the back, in the distance, there was a woman that had entered the masjid. There was a young sahabi who was sitting next to the Prophet ﷺ, and as the young lady proceeded to walk across in the back, the young man sitting next to him ﷺ looked at her and followed her in his attraction, and his head started to swerve and follow her.

And he ﷺ, as reported by our teachers in narrating this event, continued to teach, continued to speak — but reached his hand up to the face of the young man, grabbed it by the chin, and turned his head ﷺ. And after a while the young man's head swerved again towards the young lady in the back, and he ﷺ continued and continued — and as he is continuing, reaches up again, grabs the man's chin, his face from the bottom, and turns it back ﷺ. And finally a third time the young man — poor brother, masha'Allah — looks again, swerves again, and he ﷺ reaches up as he is talking, grabs the young man's head, turns it to the front, and holds it there ﷺ.

How many of us as parents have this kind of educational moment with our young men — and our young daughters, for that matter?

The Primacy of Sight Among All the Senses

Of all of the senses in the body — sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch — the one that is addressed in the most profound sense (pun intended) is the sense of naẓar, sight. Allah tells us, yes, when describing the mu'minūn, the believers, that they turn away from laghw — laghw is useless talk — so that is control of the hearing. That is there, yes.

When it comes to the tongue itself:

"Speak the truth — your actions will be reformed." That has to do with the tongue.

"Eat what is halal" — that has to do with what you consume. It is there, but at a specific level, it is the sense of sight that Allah gives us particular, profound attention to. The Arabic word حَاسَّة — hāssah — means not only a sense, but something that is sensitive as well. It is a sensitive subject because it deals with the core of inter-gender relationships, and we are living in an environment where there is no control, no akhlāq, no limits, no boundaries as it relates to inter-gender interaction.

And this also aligns with the scientific fact that of all of the sensory input — the things we touch in a given day, the things we hear, the things we taste, the things we smell — according to scientists, 90% of that input is visual. So given that scientific understanding, it makes sense that Allah would deal with that in a profound way.

The Quranic Command: Lower the Gaze

So He informs us — taking into consideration that advice about playing with them for seven years, then training them for the next seven, then befriending them for the other seven — He tells us:

Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to guard their chastity. That is more pure for them. And Allah is well aware of what you do. And after that, the same instruction is given to the believing women.

This ayah has three parts to it — very profound. One: a point of adab, etiquette, education. Two: a point of awareness — we might call it tanbīh — rational, intellectual education. And then the third part is a spiritual, qalbi, rūhī education. One part of the ayah stimulates the spirit. The other part stimulates the mind and gives you rational reasons why. And the third part of the ayah is a warning.

The Crisis of Our Environment

Now, in order to lower the gaze, there has to be a conversation that we have with our young men and our young ladies about what are proper things to look at — because we live in a society where they are taught that it is ok to just look at everything. Not only is it ok, but it is normal. It is normal to see people with no clothes on. It is normal to look at photographs on Facebook, the magazine commercials. It is normal to go to class and have female classmates who are dressed in ways that demonstrate they are not concerned about their hayā'. And they sit in all kinds of ways — and it is "normal" to just look. "Everybody does it" — that is what I hear from our students.

The first rule is: just because it is normal does not mean it is right. That is the whole point of adab.

The reality is, once you get out into this world, you realize very quickly — you go to the grocery store and you cannot even look up if you are really good at it. You have to look in front of you and focus on not looking — because it is everywhere. We are inundated with this. And because we are so lax in our gaze, and 90% of our sensory input is through vision, that means 90% of the waswās of Shayṭān is getting in through that gaze. And if our kids are not taught and they do not practice, we are susceptible to that.

The Hadith: The Gaze as a Poisonous Arrow

The Prophet ﷺ said that the naẓrah — the gaze, the glance — at any beautiful, attractive aspect of a woman is like a poisonous arrow from the arrows of Iblīs:

(Recorded in the Mustadrak of Imam al-Hākim; authenticated by Imam al-Hākim.)

One glance at an attractive part of a woman — and he ﷺ did not look at what is going on further — if they have been struck by one of the arrows of Iblīs. But he ﷺ said: whoever looks away — whoever turns away from those mahāsin, those adornments, those embellishments of that young lady — Allah will allow that person to taste the sweetness of worship to Him in such a way that it will make him so joyful and happy.

By the way, ghaḍḍ al-baṣar — lowering the gaze — applies to women looking at women as well. And it applies to men looking at men as well. We do not just look at the 'awrah of people on TV, in pictures — certainly not in real life. Sisters, if you are on Facebook and you see somebody who is not dressed appropriately and legs are showing — you cannot look at that picture, just like your husband cannot. You do not want to show it to him; why would you look at it? Young woman, if you cannot look at that picture with your mother or your father standing there, you should not be looking at it. We have to have these conversations.

The Two Meanings of "Azkā": Purification and Growth

Allah says in the ayah: ذَٰلِكَ أَزْكَىٰ لَهُمْ — "that is more pure for them." He uses the word azkā, from the same root as zakāh. And it is in the superlative — it is the most purifying. So when you lower the gaze, that act of lowering the gaze is more zakā for you. Why insert zakāh into this scenario? Because zakāh has two meanings.

The first meaning of zakāh is ṭahārah — purification. So when the gaze is lowered, the process of purification of the qalb takes place. But when the gaze is not lowered, the process of fasād of the qalb — the corruption of the heart — and the exposure of the heart to risks of being consumed by one's own shahwah — that risk is elevated.

The second meaning of zakāh has to do with namūw — growth, development, like plants grow and develop. And so we only grow and develop when we follow the adab of Allah. If we do not follow the adab and the akhlāq that is prescribed, there is no growth and development.

We as parents have the unfortunate habit of tracking only our kids' physical growth. "Wow, you're growing out of your shoes already! My goodness, you're getting big!" "You have a new shirt already — I just bought you new clothes six months ago, it's already too small." We are tracking our kids' physical growth all day. And we are so proud — "Oh masha'Allah, look how tall she's grown. Masha'Allah, she's a young lady — I remember when I saw her this tall."

What about their akhlāq growth? What about the growth of their qalb? What about the growth of their imān? What about the growth of their qurbah to Allah? We should put that on a scale and track that. It is even more important.

Allah says: "That is azkā — that is growth, that is development." Not the young man who has grown a beard now. Not the young lady who has developed and now has to wear hijāb. That is not the growth He is speaking of — though those are important; those are markers and signs. But the clock is ticking and the time is drawing near to their having to meet their Rabb. That is what it means. That is all it means. That is pure for them. That is growth for them.

The Warning: Allah Knows What We Do

And if they do not know that, and you do not teach them that — then the end of the ayah: إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا يَصْنَعُونَ. It is not going to tell you what He is going to do. It is left as sufficient — kāfī and kifāyah — that He knows what we do. Meaning: there is a neglect that is there, and He knows the neglect.

Our Collective Responsibility as Parents and Community

We have got kids in crisis. The masjid, myself as imam, all of us as a community — we cannot save our kids by just doing programs at night. We cannot drop our kids off here for two hours a week, three hours a week, five hours a week, and expect miracles if nothing is done at home. As parents, you and I have to have conversations consistently about what is right and what is wrong with the behavior of our kids, and it has got to start early.

Do not bring me a son at fifteen and tell me he has got a problem with girls and that he has never had the first conversation about halāl and harām, and about lowering the gaze at seven — and he has got his own cell phone, his own laptop in his room, he goes to public school, and he comes to the masjid once a week. Do not bring me that kid and expect me to miraculously transform that child into some super Muslim or imam. It does not work.

We have got to have conversations — constantly, every day, all day — bringing our kids back. What did they learn? What did you do? Who did you talk to? What is going on? Halāl and harām — what are you watching? We have got to have that conversation. Shut the TV off. Sit down. Now let us talk about what you just saw. Is that appropriate? People dress like that in school — they do not show you how to respond to it, but now we are going to practice this. For one week, I am going to take you to the store, and when you see something wrong, you have got to lower your gaze.

Yes, it is going to be tough. Yes, it is going to feel strange at first. Welcome to life. Because if you do not do it, Allah knows what you do, and you have got to account for it. But He has told me to tell you to do it. You want to be with us in Jannah — this is our job. Yes, it is tough. I understand. But it is about your internal growth and development. This is the conversation we have to have.

I am telling you: if we do not have this conversation, the masjid is not a revolving door where you walk in a sinner, pray two rak'ahs, and walk out an angel. It does not happen like that. Because the forces outside of this are too influential and too strong. If we do nothing at home, and our sons see us watching TV and looking at all kinds of images and looking at magazines in the home with all kinds of photos — they see us do that — then what in the world do we expect of them?

A young man called me one day — in college, in this area. Father: a frequent visitor of the masjid. The kid himself: a frequent visitor of the masjid. A college kid. Broke down. He had had an illicit relationship with a young lady. A kid of the masjid. Father in the masjid. He had never had a conversation about ghaḍḍ al-baṣar. Never. No one told him. He read Quran — he did not understand it. We have to talk to our kids. If they are memorizing, they have to know what they are memorizing and how to practice it. Talk about it. We are going to fall and we are going to succeed in life — but if we never have conversations, we cannot expect Jibreel to come down and transform our kids. That is not going to happen.

Each and every one of us has a dual responsibility — with our sons and daughters. May Allah protect them from the arrows of Iblīs.

Second Khutbah

Brothers and sisters, we only get one shot at this. We only get one shot. I see parents devastated at the state of their kids. We get one shot at this. We have got to do it right. We have to change. We have to have daily conversations. We have to. What good is this beautiful masjid if our kids are gone? It does not matter.

We have one shot at this. And it is not a problem solved by simply hiring a youth director. We do not outsource our parenting responsibilities to an imam, a resident scholar, or a youth director. We do it together — at home and in the masjid.

Allah and His angels send blessings upon the Prophet ﷺ. And He forbids immorality and evil and transgression, and He warns you that you may remember.

The Prayer

Assalāmu alaykum wa raḥmatullāh. Assalāmu alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.