EPIC Masjid, Sheikh Shakib Abqari, Parenting

Opening — Khutbah al-Haajah

الحمد لله على إحسانه وشكره على توفيقه وامتنانه وأشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له تعظيمًا لشأنه وأشهد أن محمدًا عبده ورسوله والداعي إلى رضوانه صلى الله وسلم وبارك على نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وإخوانه وكل من اقتفى أثره وسلك سنته إلى يوم الدين. أما بعد، فإن أصدق الحديث كتاب الله تعالى وخير الهدي هدي محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم وشر الأمور محدثاتها فإن كل محدثة بدعة وكل بدعة ضلالة وكل ضلالة في النار ونعوذ بالله من أهل النار.

يا عباد الله، أوصيكم ونفسي الخاطئة بتقوى الله تعالى، فإنها وصية ربنا جل وعلا للأولين والآخرين، حين قال:

Dear brothers and sisters in Islam, Allah azza wa jalla recommended us always taqwa — the same recommendation and message to those before us. When we send messages to them, the fruits and benefits of taqwa in this world and the hereafter are to us — no benefits to Allah azza wa jalla. And the Prophet ﷺ used to remind each one at each gathering, as in the well-known hadith you all know:

(Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1987)

Fear Allah wherever you are. This involves any circumstances, any situation, any dealings.

A Wake-Up Call: The Reality of Our Children Today

About a month and a half ago, I came across a beautiful recitation of a young man in Germany — he is from Germany or one of the European countries. I made a comment and I posted it online saying: who in the world would think this kid is from Europe? Days passed by. His parents sent me a message saying, "Make du'a for my child. You don't know what he is going through." A couple of days later, they came from somewhere in the United States and I sat down with that child.

A teenager who had memorized the Qur'an long ago. A child with beautiful recitation. But yet, one of the statements he made in that counseling session was: "I want to believe in my own way. I want to believe what I want to believe — not what my mom and my dad want to believe." He wants to have his own way of living, talking as though he doesn't believe in anything.

After going through that experience, I realized a couple of things that led me to give this khutbah today. And that is: to realize our situation today and accept the truth. To raise our children with standards that are applicable today — not the standards you were raised with.

Ali ibn Abi Talib said: "Raise your children — don't raise your children the way your father and your mother raised you, because indeed they were created in a time different than yours." Yes, and they also live in an environment different than ours — different than you and I. And they are dealing with so many complex problems. So if you say "my son, join me," it's not going to work.

The Example of the Son of Nuh in Surah Hud

In Surah Hud, Allah azza wa jalla shared with us the story of Nuh calling to his son: "O my son, join us. Come with us." His answer was similar to today's children. When you say, "Baba, this way is right, don't go that path," his excuse was: "I have my own path. I'll get there. I have my own way to be saved."

Allah described in that story the waves of the flood — so high, as high as the mountains. That is the moment that father called. Put that into today's world. How many waves of evil forces are placed before our children every single day. No wonder they have different standards. No wonder that for every question you ask, the answer is "I don't know" — because they don't want to tell you the truth, they want you to hear what you want to hear. And they will keep what they truly want inside their own world.

They are Muslims in your home. Where are you from? Whether you are from Asia or the Middle East. But they carry real American values outside on the street — in terms of the way a normal American kid lives. They have societal and environmental pressures. Eight hours every day they live with people who don't know Allah. Their friends may have come from foster homes, or they may not even know their fathers.

I want you to wake up and know the reality of your children. Here we are telling them, "These are bad people, these are non-Muslims." We put the blame on the people, not on the qualities of the people. They don't know the difference. "This is a kafir, this is a Muslim" — but they don't know the difference in a way that means anything to them. Like a father told a little child how bad dogs are. There is a cartoon or a dog show. So the child looked at the father and said, "Baba, you are telling me the dogs are not clean, right? But you don't know this dog — he takes a bath three times a day!" He is basically saying: "This is what you say, but this is what I know." So this is the reality they live in.

Two Types of Parents: The King Parent vs. The Teacher Parent

We are divided into two groups. Either you are a king parent — you give orders and your orders work for a time. "Do this, don't do that." By the time they get to 13 or 14, there is chaos in the house, and next thing you know, nobody listens to you. Or you are a teacher parent, and you teach your children every day — from the moment they were little children, with patience, with reading, with interaction — like Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Williams in the kindergarten schools, the way they talk to them. No wonder that children listen to teachers in school more than they listen to their parents.

"Sheikh, please talk to my child." When you get to that place — your child is not listening to you but will listen to someone else — it is because your approach was king parenting. So today, I will go through the difference between king parenting, which you all know, and teacher parenting. A king parent is a king; he always talks like it's "my way or the highway." A teacher parent always leads by example.

I saw a mother whose child kept making mistakes and always said, "Mom, it's an accident." So she told her son: "An accident is an accident, and it only happens once. If you keep doing it, it's not an accident." Right there is a teacher parent. Or a teenager, showing his back to his mom and dad and saying, "I'm sorry, I don't want to talk to you." She looked at him and said: "A rose is a rose — it doesn't matter from the front or the back, it's still a rose." That child turned around and kissed his mom. That's a teacher parent right there.

The Prophet ﷺ as the Ultimate Teacher Parent

The best person who taught us was Rasulullah ﷺ:

He is the best example to follow. Yes, he raised generations and generations — but how did he raise them? When they were children, he instilled love in them, to a level where Hasan and Hussain would play on his shoulders and his back while he was making sujood. He was not worried about whether the kids would spill something. Nowadays, we don't even want to pick up children who have diapers because "I may lose my wudu." With him, he would simply call for water, wash, and carry on.

Hasan and Hussain were playing on him, and Abu Bakr passed by and said:

"What a blessed mount you ride!" — referring to the Prophet ﷺ carrying them on his back. (Referenced in various narrations of the Companions)

And the Prophet ﷺ responded: "I am the blessed one. I am the lucky one that they are playing on my shoulders."

Giving Children Space and Listening to Them

Muhammad ibn Rabeeh, as a child of five years old, would run to the Prophet ﷺ while he was making wudu. He started putting water to his mouth — giving him water and playing on his forehead, making pictures and drawings, until he was wet all over. And the child liked it so much. Such was the mercy of the Prophet ﷺ.

He would pass a group of girls with Zainab and say: السلام عليكم And then invite them to race and play together. He would make competitions with the little ones. Similarly, he would instill love in Abadillah — Abdullah ibn Abbas, Abdullah ibn Umar. Who raised them? Who brought them up? Who gave them that confidence? It was Rasulullah ﷺ. They used to line up before him so they could be the first he tapped on the shoulder or played with. And those children would grow into the ones who made a difference. He provided the environment that they needed. He cared. He cared what they thought and he listened to them. He asked them questions.

Nowadays, your child cannot say anything without being told: "What do you know? Be quiet. You keep talking in front of elders — it's bad manners." The more you silence him, the less he will even believe in the conversation. The Prophet ﷺ would come down to a child and say: "Why is Abu 'Umayr upset? What happened to the little bird?" — the brother of Anas whose bird had died. Nobody else cared. But Rasulullah ﷺ cared, because that bird was everything to that child. It was his pet, the greatest loss he had known. So he wanted to connect with the child, offering him condolences over that little bird.

Let them grow on their own. Let them feel alive on their own. Let them have space to communicate. And he said to Aisha, "What is this you are hiding?" And she said, "Horses." She had made a horse with wings. And he asked, "What is that little thing the horse has?" And she said, "The wings." She answered back and said, "Didn't you hear? Prophet Sulayman had horses with wings that used to fly." And he smiled.

The Example of Anas ibn Malik

Anas ibn Malik served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years. Not a single day did he tell him, "Why didn't you do this right?" Not one day did he criticize what Anas had done. As a matter of fact, when he sent Anas to bring something and the child forgot — he went off playing — the Prophet ﷺ waited a moment, then stood up and walked to where they were playing. He smiled, just to give him a hint. So Anas realized, "Oh, I forgot!" And the Prophet ﷺ said:

"O little Anas, go where I sent you." (Referenced in Sunan Abu Dawud and related narrations about Anas ibn Malik's service to the Prophet ﷺ)

He never mentioned what had been forgotten. There is a lesson to learn. Why? Because he did not want the other kids to bully him. When we address children in front of other children and criticize them — when we say, "Why can't you be like your brother? Why can't you be like that child?" — we have already broken them. He did not want anyone to point out what Anas had overlooked. There is much to learn from those ahadith.

And so merciful was he ﷺ — even when he was tired and came back from the expedition of Mu'tah, the children ran to the companions who returned. He said: "Pick up the tayyibeen — these beautiful ones. Pick them up. Don't let them walk." And he said, "Give me the son of Ja'far — Abdullah ibn Ja'far." These are examples of teacher parenting and letting children develop at different ages.

Even in a situation of dispute between a mother and father — when a mother came before him with her son, he turned to the nine-year-old and said: "Choose whichever you want — your mother or your father." He gave him a choice. When you listen to them, when you give them choices even while you guide, when you balance that, when you let them maneuver — they feel secure enough to stay close to you, rather than when you are dictating to them all the time.

And the example of Ibn Umar sitting on the right side of the Prophet ﷺ with his father on the left. The sunnah of passing the drink is to give it to the right, and also the sunnah of giving respect to the elders. The Prophet ﷺ asked that child: "Do you want me to give it to your father and the elders on the left, or do you want me to give it to you?" And he said, "I will not give up my chance with the Prophet of Allah." Brothers, children are children — no matter where they live or where they are. And Rasulullah ﷺ knew that. He gave them that space, and let them grow and discover.

Teaching Halal and Haram in a Language Children Understand

In terms of halal and haram, he did not teach them about hell and fire the same way he taught the adults. He changed their lifestyles in a language they understood. When that little kid was throwing rocks at the date palms in Madinah, and the owner complained — "All my dates are falling to the ground. There is a little kid who keeps knocking them down" — the Prophet ﷺ called the child and asked him a simple question. "Why do you throw rocks at them? Why?" What did the child say? "I am hungry. I need to eat." So the Prophet ﷺ said to him: "Anything you see on the ground — fallen by the wind or whatever — it is yours. But if it is still up there on the tree, it belongs to someone else." Right there — halal and haram, in a language that child could understand. And he fixed the problem, which was that the child was hungry.

You have to admit when your child has issues, rather than denying all the time. And stop forcing your child to be an A student when that is not how Allah created him. When you know he learns slowly and you insist he memorize the Qur'an on your schedule — Allah created people differently. There are people who memorize quickly. There are people who memorize quickly but forget easily. There is the kind of child who will memorize slowly but will keep it for a long time. There is a child with short-term memory. These are the ways Allah creates, and you cannot expect all your children to be the same.

Part Two — Empowering Children with Responsibility

Brothers and sisters, there are many examples to give. In the Battle of Uhud, a young boy by the name of Sa'd was 14 years old. He fought hard to participate in the battle. The Prophet ﷺ told him no. There is a long lesson to learn from that debate, but I don't have time for it now. By the time the companions came back, his father had taken shahada — he had been martyred. On their way back, the child came saying, "I want to go next year." The Prophet ﷺ knelt down to the child and said to him: "Your father took shahada — may Allah reward you." He gave him condolences, then told him to lean forward, to take initiative, to take charge of the responsibility of the rest of the family. "Will you empower them? Tell them who they are. Tell them: you are the oldest, you can do the best. If you make a difference, the rest will follow you." There are many methods we can learn from this.

The Hadith of the Young Boy Eating with the Prophet ﷺ

I will close with one of the best teaching examples we know — the hadith of Umar ibn Abi Salamah. You know the hadith: there was a child eating with the Prophet ﷺ and his hands were moving all over the dish. And in this hadith, there is plenty to learn. One of the things to notice is what the Prophet ﷺ said when he saw the child. The only problem the hadith mentions is that the child was eating from everywhere. But yet the hadith addresses three important things:

"O young man, mention the name of Allah, eat with your right hand, and eat from what is nearest to you." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5376; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2022)

The real problem was that the child was eating from everywhere. But the Prophet ﷺ taught him all three things at once. He said: "O young man — first thing you do when you eat, you say Bismillah. Then you eat with your right hand. Then you eat what is next to you." If we teach our children those manners — and address them at the right time, in the right way — we will see results. Acknowledge them.

Understanding the Fragility of Today's Children

Why are our children so fragile? They are not like the way you grew up. You used to leave home at eight in the morning and come back at night and nobody worried whether you ate or not. Nobody worried if you got lost. There were no issues related to that. But today, you cannot leave these children alone for a second. We have to accept that.

Our children are so fragile — their sense of self-worth is based on how others perceive them, not on how they perceive themselves. A girl would post a comment on Facebook and wait all night to get one like or one comment. Her entire day is based on that response. And you come and say to her, "You're always on that computer!" Do you see the different wavelengths? This person is busy waiting for a comment or a like, and you criticize the computer and how much time she spends on it. So if we change our attitude a little bit — come down to their level and speak in a language they understand — we will figure it out.

The Danger of Music and Spiritual Harm

One of the biggest problems we have with our children today is music. Ten years ago, the music world used to be different. Today, it is more about rituals, recitations, and what we call talasim — and talasim is the language that sorcerers use to praise and invoke shayatin. So the shaytan comes down and tells them what to do. Today, the music our children live with is exactly that. Lady Gaga and others — what do they do? They dress like shaytan. They behave like shaytan. They embrace the rituals of shaytan. And our children fall for that.

Two months ago, a hospital in the Timberland-Reno area had a case involving a Muslim child. That Muslim child was behaving so strangely that no psychiatrist could figure it out. It got so severe that the judge was about to send that child to a larger facility — she would bend metals and do things that frightened everyone around her. The attorney filed on the case and said there is something called jinn, there are matters of the unseen, and we should read Qur'an. The judge requested me to come in and explain. Finally, they submitted the child into our care for treatment, and we began. The first time I read the Qur'an, a voice said: "Stop, stop. Tell her not to call us — we won't be there. Tell her not to call us — we won't be there." I asked: "Who are you?" The reply was: "We are Lady Gaga's shayatin. Whenever she reads those rituals, we come down."

Allah azza wa jalla said in the Qur'an to His messenger, in Surah al-Mu'minun:

"Say: O my Lord, I seek refuge in You from the whispers of the shayatin, and I seek refuge in You, my Lord, lest they come near me." This is something we should say:

Our children are calling shayatin every day with their devices and their music. And no wonder their lives are going south. Because Allah azza wa jalla says:

Whoever turns away from the remembrance of the Most Merciful — whoever leaves the path of Allah azza wa jalla and chooses the path of shaytan — We will assign a shaytan to lead him. His companion will be shaytan. And the shaytan is a creature that is unseen — it is a jinn. And Allah azza wa jalla says:

From jinn and humans — so from both sides they come.

Community Programs and Upcoming Events

Because of this — a project to educate all of us — I will have a program tonight and tomorrow, the 11th of April. I would love for you to bring your children. I'll share with you how bad music is getting. Tonight: "Why is my du'a not accepted? Why is my reading of Qur'an not having an effect? Why am I making du'a but my circumstances are not changing?" And tomorrow, 11 to 3, is a workshop. Bring all your family, bring your children, so you learn more, inshallah.

I will go through all the symptoms you should know: if someone is experiencing possession, if someone has an issue — symptoms of evil eye, symptoms of sihr — so you don't have to call back home to a kahid, a fortune teller, to tell you something three days later while he imagines what he does not know. The science of proper Qur'anic ruqyah: the difference between the truth shared versus the lies told. All of the problems that our ummah goes through. Instead of calling around and checking with people who are not truthful — who are shayatin themselves, who will lock you up and lock up your family — come and learn.

Just one case: a family — Ismailis who did not pray, did not fast, and were distant from Allah — ended up in a situation where shayatin surrounded them completely. The one they had been relying on for all this time was himself one of those shayatin. Today, they are praying five times a day. Today, they are on the right path, because they were misguided by the path they had been on.

Building a Community for Our Children

Children need an environment in which to grow. We cannot have only small masajid. We need bigger facilities. And I am very happy to see one day — as I cited from the first verse at the beginning — to see all of you in a big facility where your kids can be playing while you are here learning, where the language of the talk uses the methods I mentioned.

I encourage each one of you to participate and to build. And by the way, the reward of the groundbreaking — the land and the first contribution — is more rewarding than the building itself. There is more reward on the groundbreaking than on the building. And Allah azza wa jalla said in the Qur'an:

Even among the companions He said: "You are not the same." The ones who stood up from the moment of Badr are not the same as the ones who walked in at Fath Makkah while they had nothing to suffer, no initial hardship. So invest — have something to do with the groundbreaking and participate. Also participate in the right schooling systems. Today we send our children to schools and then we complain. There are plenty of Islamic schools based on Qur'anic principles — raising your children with the right environment of worship, such as Muqar Academy and many other Islamic schools around.

They have projects coming this Saturday and tomorrow night. Please go and participate. And participate in all the fundraisings that the community has, because it is for you. Spread your eggs — participate, have something everywhere you go.

I will end it there. JazakumAllah khair. May Allah bless you. May Allah reward you.