Obeying your Parents - Sheikh Zakaullah Saleem

Khutbah al-Jumu'ah: Obeying Your Parents

Amma ba'd. My dear brothers and sisters, Allah has blessed us with the religion that is the only religion in the sight of Allah. Whether we were born in a Muslim household and we grew up as Muslims, or some of us may have entered into the fold of Islam at a later stage, we as Muslims — all of us — have been obliged by Allah to fulfil first and foremost the rights of our Creator, our Lord Allah Dhul Jalali wal Ikram, and then we are also obliged to fulfil the rights of our human fellows, the creation of Allah.

With regards to the rights of Allah Dhul Jalali wal Ikram, the first and foremost — and the most important of His rights upon us — is to believe in His Tawheed. When we say believe in His Tawheed, it means we have to prove this belief through our statements and also through our actions. This is the most important of the rights of Allah that we have to fulfil.

As for the rights of our human fellows — the creation of Allah — those who have the most important rights on us, obviously after our beloved Prophet ﷺ, are our parents. This is the reason, my dear brothers and sisters, that Allah has mentioned and reminded us of the rights of parents in His Book several times, immediately after commanding us to believe in His Tawheed and not to worship anyone else other than Him.

The Rights of Parents in the Quran

Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah — remember when We took the covenant from Bani Israel: that you must not worship anyone other than Allah, and then you must be dutiful, good, and kind to your parents. This shows that it is not only us who believe in the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ as the last Messenger of Allah; rather, this is the commandment that Allah Dhul Jalal gave to the nations before us — Jews and Christians.

Again, Allah mentions His Tawheed and then immediately after it, He mentions and reminds us of the rights of our parents in Surah An-Nisa:

A third time, Allah mentions in Surah Al-An'am: Say, O Muhammad ﷺ, O people, come to me — I shall recite to you what your Lord has prohibited: that you must not associate any partner with Him, and then, be dutiful to your parents.

A fourth time, Allah mentions this in Surah Al-Isra, in the strongest of words:

What does it mean? My dear brothers and sisters, it means that Allah has made it an obligation on us that we must not worship anyone other than Him, and then, be dutiful, kind and gentle towards our parents. In all of these verses — and there are many other verses in the Quran — Allah has reminded us of the rights of our parents immediately after mentioning His Tawheed.

What We Must NOT Do to Our Parents

My dear brothers and sisters, we have heard many khutbas, many lectures, many Islamic reminders about the rights of our parents. Usually we hear — and we also talk — about the rights of our parents: what should we do for our parents and how should we treat our parents. But there is another side of this matter which we usually forget to mention, or do not talk about, or sometimes do not pay much attention to — and that is: what should we NOT do to our parents, and how should we NOT treat our parents. You cannot be really and truly dutiful to your parents unless and until you understand what is prohibited, what you cannot do, what you are not allowed to do to your parents.

1. You Cannot Disobey Your Parents

The first and most important point: we cannot disobey our parents. Yes, we understand — we talk about the obedience to parents, we have heard many lectures and khutbas and reminders about the rights of parents, and we all say, yes, we have to obey our parents. But the other side is that we cannot disobey our parents. Whatever your parents ask you to do, you are obliged to do it. You have to listen to them, you have to obey them, you cannot disobey them. Why? Because disobedience to parents is one of the major, major sins in Islam.

Rasulullah ﷺ was asked by a man who came to him and said: O Messenger of Allah, what are the major sins? The Prophet ﷺ said: Committing shirk with Allah, associating partners with Him, and then — disobedience to the parents is one of the major sins.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5976; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 87)

It is narrated by Imam Ahmad on the authority of Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As that the Prophet ﷺ said: From the top of the list of the major sins is committing shirk with Allah, and on number two is disobedience to the parents.

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 6534)

Imam Ibn Khuzaymah has reported on the authority of Abdullah ibn Umar that the Prophet ﷺ said: Three types of people to whom Allah will not look on the Day of Judgment — and one of them is an individual who was disobedient to his parents.

(Sahih Ibn Khuzaymah; also narrated in related form in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 107)

And Imam Ibn Khuzaymah has reported another narration on the authority of Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As that the Prophet ﷺ said: The one who is disobedient to his parents will not be permitted to enter Paradise.

(Sahih Ibn Khuzaymah; similar narrations in Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5984 and Sahih Muslim)

My dear brothers and sisters, disobedience to the parents is one of the major and big sins in Islam. And there is also a hadith of the Prophet ﷺ:

(Al-Mu'jam al-Awsat of al-Tabarani; also reported by al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1899 — graded Hasan)

The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of your parents, and the anger of Allah is in the anger of your parents.

Important Clarification: When Obedience Is NOT Required

When we say we have to listen and obey our parents, and we are prohibited to disobey our parents, I would like to mention two important points. The first: if your parents ask you to do something which is haram, then you cannot obey them. Allah says in the Quran:

We have ordered the man to be good, kind and dutiful to his parents — and if your parents endeavour and strive to make you commit shirk with Allah, then do not obey them. If your parents ask you to commit something haram, if your parents ask you to get a mortgage from the bank and get involved in haram — do not listen to them. If your parents ask you to murder someone — do not obey them. Anything which is haram in the religion of Allah, if your parents ask you to do so, do not listen to them. It is not allowed.

But at the same time, my dear brothers and sisters, Allah mentioned that when you reject their order or request, at the same time you have to be kind and gentle. You cannot be rude to them. You cannot disrespect them. Whether they are Muslim or non-Muslim, whether they are practising their deen or they are committing shirk — whatever they do — you as a son or daughter are not permitted to show any kind of disrespect to your parents. You have to show the utmost respect to your parents. Yes, you cannot obey them in the disobedience of Allah — but you must still treat them with honour.

2. If Your Parents Prevent You from a Voluntary Act

The second very important point — listen carefully. If your parents try to stop or prevent you from doing something which is not fard, which is not obligatory in the religion of Allah, but rather it is voluntary — mustahab or nafl — then you must listen to them. You must obey them. You cannot displease them, you cannot reject their request. You have to obey them.

Let me give you some proof from the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ. A man came to the Prophet ﷺ and said: O Messenger of Allah, allow me to participate in jihad — a legitimate jihad, a jihad about which there was no doubt of its permissibility. Not the jihad that some people nowadays believe in: where they disobey their parents, displease their parents, disrespect their parents and go to try to join groups like ISIS. The people of knowledge — the scholars — have rejected this. It is not jihad. Killing innocent Muslims or non-Muslims, children, women, the elderly — this has nothing to do with our deen. But this man came to the Prophet ﷺ asking for permission to participate in legitimate jihad alongside him ﷺ, about which there was no doubt.

The Prophet ﷺ asked him:

Are your parents alive? He said: Yes, O Messenger of Allah. The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3004; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2549)

Go back, and make jihad in serving your parents.

And there is another narration reported by Imam Ahmad that a man came to the Prophet ﷺ and was trying to boast, saying: O Messenger of Allah, I have left my area, I have left my parents, just for the sake of participating in jihad with you — to the extent that my parents were trying to stop me from this noble act, but I did not listen to them and I left them while they were crying. The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 6494; Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 2528)

Go back. Go and make them laugh as you have made them cry.

If this is the ruling with regard to jihad, my dear brothers and sisters, what do you think about any act that is not fard? Yes — if your parents try to prevent you from something which is fard, something which is an obligation in the deen of Allah, for example if your parents are trying to stop you from being regular in your five daily prayers — you cannot listen to them in that. The Prophet ﷺ has given us a clear principle:

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 1095; al-Hakim, al-Mustadrak — graded Sahih)

There is no obedience to the creation of Allah in the disobedience of the Creator, Allah. But something which is not fard — if you try to insist on doing it in defiance of your parents, wallahi you are committing sin. You are displeasing your parents.

The Story of Uways al-Qarni

We have heard the story of an individual from Yemen — Uways al-Qarni. He accepted Islam but he did not come to Medina to see the Prophet ﷺ. There are some narrations that he did come to Medina to meet with the Prophet ﷺ, but at that time the Prophet ﷺ was away so he could not get the chance to meet him and he went back. These are some narrations reported by the historians. But the most authentic narrations state that he did not come to Medina.

The Prophet ﷺ told his companions — with the wahy of Allah:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2542)

Indeed a man will come to you from Yemen who is called Uways. He does not leave Yemen except for his mother — the only reason he is not willing to leave Yemen and come to Medina to see me is his mother. Only his mother. He is serving his mother.

Pay attention, my dear brothers and sisters. We know Uways al-Qarni — he is not a sahabi; he is a mukhadram, a tabi'i. And he gave up — he gave up the status of being a sahabi forever — just for the sake of his mother. And listen to what the Prophet ﷺ told the companions: whoever gets the chance to meet with him, ask Uways — who is not a sahabi — to make du'a for you.

Imam al-Hakim, Imam Ahmad, and Imam al-Dhahabi have all reported that Abu Bakr, at the time of his khilafah, tried to meet with Uways but Uways was busy serving his mother. And then at the time of Umar, when he sent some troops to Yemen, he asked them: if you meet Uways in Yemen, ask him to make du'a for me — Umar. This is Uways al-Qarni, who gave up the status of being a sahabi purely for the sake of serving his mother.

The Story of Jurayj

On the other hand, my dear brothers and sisters, we have the story of another pious and righteous person — Jurayj — about whom the Prophet ﷺ told us, as reported by Imam Muslim. The Prophet ﷺ says: This was a pious and righteous person from Bani Israel who used to spend his days and nights worshipping Allah in his monastery.

One day his mother came to him for something she needed. She called upon Jurayj — and the description that the Prophet ﷺ gave in the hadith is that she placed her hand on her forehead saying: Ya Jurayj, ya Jurayj, ya Jurayj. She called him three times, but he was busy in his prayer — his voluntary prayer. She went back. She came the next day and the same thing happened. She came the third day, she called out: Jurayj, Jurayj, Jurayj — but he was busy with his prayer.

And then she became very upset and she made du'a against this pious and righteous person who used to spend his days and nights worshipping Allah. What was his intention? His intention was to please Allah — but at the same time he was ignoring his mother, ignoring her just because of a voluntary act in the deen. So the Prophet ﷺ says, his mother made du'a against him and she said:

O Allah, do not let him die until he encounters the faces of prostitutes. And then Allah accepted the du'a of the mother against this righteous person. A woman from that village who was a prostitute plotted against Jurayj. She committed zina with a shepherd who used to come regularly to visit Jurayj. She conceived and she gave birth to a child, and when the child was born she said: this is the child of Jurayj — meaning that I have committed zina with Jurayj. The people came, they humiliated him, they beat him, they destroyed his monastery and they insulted him. And this was all because of the du'a that Jurayj's mother made against him — and she made du'a against him because he was ignoring her while spending his days and nights in voluntary acts.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3436; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2550)

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, if your parents ask you not to do something which is voluntary, which is nafl, which is mustahab in the deen — then listen to your parents. Obey your parents. Do not make them upset. Do not ignore them. Do not displease them.

The Sin of Swearing at One's Parents

My dear brothers and sisters, if this is the case with voluntary acts — what about our actions when we are in the presence of our parents, our parents need our attention, and we are playing with our mobile phones without paying any attention to them? And what about when we curse, criticise, or swear at our parents? Listen to the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5973; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 90)

May Allah curse the person who swears at his parents. For us, this hadith is very clear — we can understand it because we have experience of hearing this type of news, that someone has sworn at their parents. But for the companions, it was a big thing. They asked the Prophet ﷺ: How can someone swear at his own parents? The Prophet ﷺ said: If you swear at someone's father, and in return they swear at your father — it means you have sworn at your own parents yourself.

No Excuse for Disobedience

My dear brothers and sisters, lastly I would like to bring to your attention: if at any point you believe that your parents are not fair and just, if your parents are not doing their duty, if your parents are not fulfilling their responsibility — listen, my dear brothers and sisters, this does not give you the right to be disobedient to them. You have to fulfil your responsibility, and you will be held accountable in front of Allah for what you do. You cannot make this an excuse.

Allah said in the Quran:

Do not say to them so much as "uff" — it is not even permissible to utter the word "uff" in front of them, let alone raise your voice, disrespect them or disobey them.

Closing Du'a

May Allah give us tawfiq and ability to be obedient to our parents. May Allah not allow us to be disobedient to our parents. May Allah enable us to reform ourselves and understand the religion in the right way. May Allah enable us to act upon it. May Allah give us a good life in this world and a good life in the Hereafter.