Anger

Khutbah: Anger

All praise is due to Allah. We praise Him and seek His assistance. We seek refuge with Allah from the evil within ourselves and from the evil of our souls. Whomsoever Allah guides, none can misguide him. Yet whomever He allows to go astray, none can guide him. And I bear witness that there is no God worthy of worship except Allah alone. He has no partner. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and His messenger.

O you who believe, fear Allah as He should be feared, and do not die except in the state of Islam.

O you who believe, fear Allah and speak the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive your sins. And whomsoever obeys Allah and His messenger, he has indeed achieved a great achievement.

As to what follows: Indeed the best of speech is the Book of Allah, and the best of guidance is the guidance of Muhammad ﷺ. And the worst of matters are those newly invented, for every newly invented matter is a bid'ah, and every bid'ah is misguidance, and every misguidance is in the Fire.

Introduction: A Very Angry Generation

Brothers and sisters in Islam, today our khutbah is about anger and controlling anger. One of the reasons behind this khutbah is that we seem to be a very angry generation. Despite things generally going well, spouses are very angry with each other, children are angry with parents, we deal with each other in anger as a society and as a community. And for those who have traveled overseas, especially to Muslim lands, you can hardly pass a day without encountering and seeing some kind of altercation, whether verbal or physical.

Anger is the cause of families breaking up, the cause of divorce, angry fathers in particular. How many times will youth complain to us of a broken home because of the father's anger? Because the father got angry and kicked out the elder son, or kicked out his daughter from the house, or siblings not speaking to one another, old or young not speaking to each other due to anger.

Quranic Perspective on Anger

In Surah Al-Kahf, Allah says:

And remember your Lord when you forget. That is the popular explanation of this verse. But one of the mufassireen, Ikrimah rahimahullah, he says إِذَا نَسِيتَ means: if you become upset, if you become angered. And this is a very reasonable tafsir, because when you get angry, you forget. You forget logic, you forget reason, you forget sensibility. You even forget what you said and what you did. So it's a reasonable tafsir: وَاذْكُرْ رَبَّكَ إِذَا نَسِيتَ — when you forget, meaning you forget due to anger.

Likewise, in Surah Al-A'raf, Allah says:

Some of the mufassireen said that the meaning of يَنزَغَنَّكَ is: the Shaytan angers you. So if an evil whisper comes to you from the Shaytan, or the Shaytan angers you, then seek refuge with Allah. He is the All-Hearer and the All-Knower.

Three Important Things to Understand About Anger

1. Anger Is a Secondary Emotion

Before we proceed, brothers and sisters, there are three very important things to understand about anger. Number one, anger is a secondary emotion — sometimes it's referred to as a second-hand emotion. That means there is another primary emotion underneath it. It could be fear, sadness, anxiety, worry, disappointment, or discouragement. There is always a primary emotion, and then anger comes in as a secondary emotion.

When your child runs out into the street and almost gets hit by a car, you grab the child and you immediately become angered. You shouldn't be angry — it should be first worry or fear, and second it should be relief. But why does anger come in? Or when you have a near accident, a traffic altercation, someone almost hit you — you get angry immediately. First you get scared, then you get angry. Why anger? It should be just relief.

Or some fathers get very angry when their children get hurt or injured. The feeling of fear and sadness is uncomfortable for most people. It makes you feel vulnerable and also not in control. So what happens? The way we avoid these feelings — subconsciously — we shift into anger mode. And that's why people are getting angry in places of fear, in places of anxiety, and other things.

This also happens amongst couples. When they're having a fight, one of them will fear abandonment or rejection. With siblings especially, psychologists explain: why do siblings get so angry with one another? They can be very patient with people in the community, but with each other — with siblings — they get extremely angry. And they explain that siblings very much need approval from one another. So when they feel they're being rejected, they get angry, whereas the approval of a stranger doesn't mean much to them. That rejection is the primary emotion, and it's immediately replaced by the secondary one: anger.

2. Anger Gives a False Sense of Control

The second point — and if psychologists have ever said anything that is true, it is this — they said getting angry gives us a false sense of control. The psychological response to anger stems from the physiological response. When you get angry, hormones surge throughout your body, and you begin to feel a heightened sense of power and energy. If you compare that to the feeling you get from fear and sadness, anger provides a surge of energy and makes you feel more in charge, rather than feeling vulnerable and helpless.

Some people start to replace — and some people replace all emotions with anger immediately. Look at the example when someone startles you: in a few split seconds you're scared, and then right after that you get angry immediately. The anger replaces, and it gives them a sense of control to be angry rather than just to be scared. And so some people develop this unconscious habit of transforming all of their vulnerable emotions and feelings into anger, in order to not deal with them.

3. Anger Serves as a Distraction

The third thing is that being angry has some advantages, and the most important of them is distraction. People who are in pain are generally thinking about their pain. But people who are angry are thinking about harming and retaliating and causing pain to others. Basically, that shift is an attention shift from self-focus to other-focus.

The Prophet's ﷺ Guidance: "Do Not Get Angry"

Imam At-Tabari narrates a hadith from Sufyan ibn Abdullah Al-Thaqafi. He says:

(Narrated by Imam At-Tabari; similar narrations found in Mu'jam Al-Kabir of At-Tabarani)

He said, "O Messenger of Allah, tell me a word that I can benefit from — and make it brief and concise." The Prophet ﷺ said: "Do not be angered, and paradise is yours."

It was also narrated that Abu Darda radhiAllahu anhu said:

(Narrated by At-Tabarani in Al-Mu'jam Al-Kabir)

He said, "O Messenger of Allah, just tell me of a deed which will earn me paradise." And the Prophet ﷺ tells him: "Do not become angered."

Al-Khattabi rahimahullah, one of the scholars, he explains this phrase لَا تَغْضَبْ. He says it doesn't mean "don't feel anger," because it's natural to feel anger. But what it means is: avoid the things that cause anger and don't expose yourself to things which provoke anger. That's one explanation. Another scholar says it means: train yourself to not get angry. A third explanation is: do not do that which anger provokes you to do. Anger makes you do certain things — don't do them. So it doesn't mean just "don't feel angry" — it's natural to feel angry — but rather, be wary of the outcomes of it.

What's important to consider is that when people get angry, the anger does not decrease — it's exactly the opposite. You would imagine that when you become angered, you release that steam. But it actually increases and gets worse. And that's why a man came to the Prophet ﷺ and said, "Give me advice." The Prophet ﷺ told him: لَا تَغْضَبْ — do not get angered. He said, "Give me more advice." And he kept asking, and the Prophet ﷺ kept telling him: do not get angered, do not get angered. The scholars said it's possible that the Prophet ﷺ knew this man had a temper or an anger problem, and that's why he gave him the advice he was most in need of.

True Strength: Controlling Oneself at the Time of Anger

One important thing to understand — and this is important for our youth — is that anger is presented in popular culture as masculine and as the proper reaction. Many times in movies, a man whose wife and children are murdered does not cry — or if he does, only a little — and he screams out in anger and goes on a killing spree. And that's the premise of a lot of video games as well: some man who is angry, exacting his revenge on people. So youth unfortunately are told that they cannot share feelings of sadness and grief with their friends, but that it's okay to express anger as if that is something masculine.

But here is a much wiser outlook from the Prophet ﷺ, in a hadith in Sahih Bukhari and Muslim. The Prophet ﷺ tells us who the strong person really is:

The strong man is not the one who can overpower others or out-wrestle others. Rather, the strong one is the one who controls himself when he gets angry.

There was another incident where the Prophet ﷺ passed by some people who were wrestling, and he asked, "What is this?" They said, "So and so is the strongest and he can beat anyone." So the Prophet ﷺ told them, "Should I not tell you who is even stronger than he is?" And he said: the man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger — so he defeats his own Shaytan, and the Shaytan of the one who made him angry. That is true strength.

The Example of Umar ibn Al-Khattab

People always look at Umar ibn Al-Khattab as though he was angry the entire time, willing to hit and beat people the entire time. But we have an example from his life where a man entered upon him and said, "O son of Al-Khattab, you are not giving us much, and you're not judging fairly between us." So Umar ibn Al-Khattab got so angered — his eyes turned red and he was about to attack the man physically. But Al-Hurr ibn Al-Qais, who was present, told him, "O Ameer al-Mu'mineen, Allah said to His Prophet ﷺ:"

Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from those who are ignorant. "And this man is nothing but ignorant." And Umar radhiAllahu anhu calmed down immediately. The Umar that in our minds is always mad and raging — he would always stop. And one of the most beautiful descriptions of Umar radhiAllahu anhu is:

He would always stop at the Book of Allah. Where Allah said stop, he would stop. Even if he was irate and angry, he would immediately cease when he heard a verse from the Qur'an. Unlike some people now, who claim to be calm — and in their minds think they are calmer than Umar radhiAllahu anhu — but when they're angered, you remind them of Allah, and it has zero effect on them whatsoever.

The Deadly Consequences of Unchecked Anger

Anger, if it's not controlled, can lead to all kinds of disastrous things — not to mention death among them. There is a narration where a man came before the Prophet ﷺ with another man tied by a rope and was pulling him. The Prophet ﷺ asked, "What is going on?" He said, "Ya Rasulallah, this man killed my brother." So the Prophet ﷺ asked him, "Did you kill him?" He said, "Yes, I killed him." And he asked, "How did you kill him?" He said, "He and I were hitting a tree to make the leaves fall, for the animals to feed."

"He cursed me and angered me, so I hit him with the axe on his temple, and I killed him."

And that's why Ali ibn Abi Talib radhiAllahu anhu used to say: "The beginning of anger is madness, and the end of it is regret." And it is so accurate. The beginning is madness — the person becomes like a madman, completely not in control of themselves or of what they're saying. And then the end is always regret. People regret what they did when they were in that state of rage.

Ways to Control Our Anger

So then it's important to understand: what are some of the ways to deal with and to control our anger? Because without controlling our anger, we are just tyrants and oppressors — in our homes we're just tyrants and oppressors, always losing our tempers on our wives, frightening our children, and hurting others around us.

1. Identify the Primary Emotion Driving the Anger

One of the first things to do is to identify the primary emotion driving the anger, as we discussed earlier. If you can pinpoint that, you can understand how to control the anger.

2. Remember Allah and His Power Over You

The second is remembering Allah and remembering how Allah has control over you — more than you have control over the person or the situation that you're in. It was said that a man by the name of Abdullah ibn Muslim ibn Muharib was brought and captured by Harun Al-Rashid, the khalifa. So he told him:

He says, "I ask you by the One before Whom you are more insignificant than I am before you" — meaning: you are more insignificant before Allah than I am powerless before you right now. And the One who has more power to punish you than you have the power to punish me — let me go. And Harun Al-Rashid immediately let him go and could not hold him after that. He was reminded of the power of Allah over him, and that encouraged him to calm down and to forgive him.

3. Sit Down or Lie Down

The Prophet ﷺ also gave advice:

(Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 4782)

If one of you gets angered while he's standing, then let him sit down. And then if the anger doesn't dissipate, he should lie down as well. We see this many times — even psychologists constantly talk about the link between the body and the mind. If you're sitting or lying down, you're further away from springing into action, further away from harming someone, or from hitting or doing something you would regret later on.

4. Be Realistic in Evaluating Yourself

Another thing is to be realistic in evaluating yourself as a person. Are you a calm person or an angry person? Many people say ridiculous things like, "I am very calm unless someone provokes me." That's the whole creation — everybody is calm unless provoked. What really determines if you're calm is if you're calm after being provoked. That's why Ali ibn Abi Talib radhiAllahu anhu used to say: it may only be known whether a person is truly patient at the time of anger. That's how you know someone is really patient — when he's angered and he remains calm.

Or as Luqman the Wise said to his son: three things are only known through three other things. He says: a lenient man is only known as such when he's angered. That's how you know someone is lenient and calm — when they're angered and they don't lose their temper, not the other way around.

5. Remember That Anger Leads to Regret and the Need to Apologize

They say that one of the ways to calm yourself down and to not lose your temper is to remember what anger leads to — regret and the need to apologize. And that's why one of the writers said: beware of the pride of anger, for it leads to the humiliation of apology. And then you should also remember that forgiving others makes you a tolerant individual, and that reminder helps you overcome your anger.

This happened during the time of Umar ibn Abd Al-Aziz: a man was brought before him, and the man spoke very rudely and harshly, trying to provoke him. So Umar ibn Abd Al-Aziz radhiAllahu anhu was calm and was not provoked. He told the man: "You wanted the Shaytan to provoke me because of my position — I'm a leader, a ruler, and you're insulting me like this — so that I would be harsh with you and in return you would harm me tomorrow," meaning on the Day of Judgment. But he told him: "Go away, may Allah have mercy on you."

We will continue with other ways to control our temper in the second khutbah, insha'Allah.

Ask Allah for His forgiveness. Indeed, those who ask for His forgiveness shall prosper.

Second Khutbah: More Ways to Control Anger

6. Seek Refuge with Allah from the Shaytan

One of the easiest things to do when in a state of rage or feeling anger coming upon you is to seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Shaytan. We have more than one hadith in this regard. There is one incident where Sulaiman ibn Sard says: I was sitting with the Prophet ﷺ and two men were slandering each other verbally. One of them was red in the face and the veins on his neck were standing out — he was extremely angry. Then the Prophet ﷺ said: "I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away — all the anger that he feels would leave." And the Prophet ﷺ said:

"If he says that, all that he feels of anger will leave immediately."

7. Keep Silent

And if not that, then keeping silent. The Prophet ﷺ says:

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 2143)

If one of you becomes angry, then let him be quiet — remain silent. And that is wisdom, because later on the person will regret what they said at the time of anger. So the least you can do, if you cannot control your anger, is to at least control your tongue and not say hurtful words that you cannot take back later on. That's why the Arabs used to say: a man's word is his captive so long as he keeps it, but once he utters it, he becomes its captive. Once you speak a word, you're held captive by the effects of that word.

Keeping silent, here in our day and age, also refers to emails and messages — all kinds of instant messages. Because many times people will write something at a time of anger and then they can't take it back. So keeping silent verbally and also with your messages, typing emails, and what have you.

8. Remember the Great Reward for Containing Anger

Another thing that really helps someone calm down and not lose their temper is to remember the great reward on the Day of Judgment for those who contain their anger. The Prophet ﷺ says: whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it — there is a difference when you can't act upon your anger, then you have no choice but to control it, but here the man has the way and the means to act upon his anger yet he controls it — Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection. And another narration mentions that Allah will call him in front of the whole creation and give him his first choice from the hur of Al-Jannah.

The scholars say: why would Allah call him in front of the whole creation and have him choose? Because when the prize is given publicly, it is greater. That's why we have award ceremonies — whereas if your boss quietly calls you into his office and gives you the award, it doesn't have the same value. So Allah gives him a great reward because the action itself was great: suppressing anger.

How Not to Deal With an Angry Person

With that, we want to close with just a few quick pointers — two of them being how not to deal with an angry person. When someone is angry and irate, do not tell them to calm down. Because if there is anything that further infuriates an angry person, it is when you tell them to calm down. And do not try to critique, correct, or have a discussion until they've calmed down. This is very important advice for spouses as well. Sometimes one of them is angered and the other wants to deal with the issue right then and there, while they're both losing their tempers. But what is wiser is: when they both calm down, then they come and discuss the issue.

The Only Justified Anger: For the Sake of Allah

The only time it's okay to be angered is when you're angry for the sake of Allah. If you follow the story of the Prophet ﷺ or the stories of the Prophets in general, you'll see that when they're insulted personally, they remain calm and don't do anything about it. But when it's something against Allah, then they're angered for the sake of Allah. But one of the things we misunderstand about being angry for the sake of Allah is that we think because it's a justified anger, it's also a green light to be rude to people, to abuse people, and to send them away from the religion of Allah. Being angered for the sake of Allah is not a green light to be nasty to individuals and turn them away from Allah's religion.

Do Not Live in Perpetual Anger

And the last thing — and we have probably seen people in our communities like this — the people who are angry at the world: angry at the situation of Muslims, angry at the political situation, angry because of racism, and they live their life angry. And the racist is having fun and smiling and enjoying his life. It is not from the way of the believers to remain in perpetual anger. And I know some people think that is the religious person — always thinking of the plight and the suffering of the Muslims. That is not the way of the believers.

Closing Du'a

With that, we ask Allah to make us of those who recognize the truth as clear truth and follow the best of it. And to make us of those who recognize falsehood as clear falsehood and abstain from it.