Apathy in Our Relationships

Apathy in Our Relationships

There is something that, if people lack it, they decide to split and break up. This relationship could be between you and your spouse, you and your children, and even with Allah. Between a husband and wife, they're looking for something — if it's missing, they go for divorce. Between a father and son, a mom and daughter, or even the children overall, they're looking for something, but they don't get it. They break up. They become estranged to each other. And even between you and Allah, if you don't see it, if you don't find it, a lot of people have a faith crisis and decide to split and break up with Allah. May Allah protect us from this, Ya Rabb al-'alameen.

But truly, what is it that we're looking for in relationships? If we don't find it, we decide just to quit and leave it. I want to mention here, because in the recent weeks — the past few weeks — I've been receiving a lot of requests from families. سبحان الله, it seems that after people coming out from the COVID era, there is so much tension, so much stress, and people are now trying to navigate through what's coming next. And by the time they are about to start setting themselves free, all of a sudden they're having the Delta variant and they have to come back again and they have to deal with this difficulty one more time. And as a result, we have a rise in divorce cases, parents having runaway children, teenagers are breaking up with their families, and faith crises — young and adults both have issues with that.

What We Seek in Every Relationship: Sukoon

So what is it that you look for in a relationship — whether it's with Allah, with your spouse, or with your child — that if you don't find, you justify for yourself to break up and just leave? Allah mentioned that in one ayah in Surat Ar-Rum, specifically in regard to the husband and wife. Allah said:

And among His signs is this, that He has created from amongst yourselves your azwaaj — your partners, your spouse. For what reason? He said: لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا. Our ulama say that Allah used the word لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا, which means: so you might find peace and tranquility with them — سَكِينَة, سُكُون.

That is what we're looking for in relationships. You would like to have a good relationship with Allah — what are you looking for? Peace and tranquility. I want peace. I want to trust Allah's judgment. You want to have a good relationship with your child, with your daughter, with your son — I want peace and tranquility with them. And if you don't find that peace, we start feeling that the relationship is not justified anymore. Why do I have to be here? Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to listen to you? We have a problem with this. And as a result, that develops apathy — complete indifference, contempt, and ignoring the commands of Allah, ignoring the instructions of the household, ignoring your children's requirements, and so on. Because of that sense of apathy, we're not having that peace and tranquility. We try to take control of it, so we just shut down completely.

Sukoon Is Like Iman — It Rises and Falls

My dear brothers and sisters, Allah says: لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا — so that you might find peace and tranquility with them. I want to focus a little bit on the subject of marriage, because the requests for counseling are increasing — specifically for husbands and wives who have been married for many, many years. I'm not talking about newlyweds who are still navigating through the process. I'm talking about people being married for 10, 15, 20 years or more, and they're now realizing they have an issue because they don't have that peace and tranquility. Today, we call it emotional satisfaction. If I'm not emotionally satisfied, I'll have an issue.

Our ulama say the letter laam in لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا means you will always find it with them, and by them, and through them. So we always look for peace and tranquility through these relationships. That's why you can't ignore it. You can't say, "I don't care about these issues," because Allah says through these relationships you can find peace and tranquility. But what if I don't? Then maybe you're not doing it right — whether it's between you and your child, between you and your parent, your siblings, or even Allah. Maybe you're not doing it right.

But He gave us in this ayah the conditions: وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً — And He placed between your hearts love and mercy. With these two tools, you can find the peace and tranquility you're looking for.

The subject of peace and tranquility, the subject of sukoon and sakina, is just like iman — like faith. It increases with good deeds and goes down with bad deeds. That's how iman functions. Similarly, with sukoon, you gain more of it in a relationship by doing what makes that relationship meaningful. And it goes down when you're not doing what you're supposed to do in that relationship.

When it comes to a relationship with the divine, what do I need to do? I need to be grateful. I need to worship Him. I need to listen, I need to obey, I need to follow certain instructions. Yeah, but it's hard on me — but that's how it operates. That's how you'll find peace and tranquility. As Allah says:

Those who have faith and they find peace and tranquility through the remembrance of Allah. Indeed, through the remembrance of Allah, these hearts will find peace and tranquility. It's not a secret — He has given it to us.

Between you and your spouse, if you don't find that peace and tranquility, there's something wrong with your love and mercy. You're not following the instruction. You're not doing it right — that's why it's missing. The more you practice love and mercy properly, the more you'll find that peace and tranquility in the relationship. The less you do of it, the less you'll find it. So it's just like a vessel, like a battery that goes up and down — it's rechargeable. And at some point, when it's not recharging at all, because there's zero left, that's when people decide: I can't. I don't have energy anymore. And that's why people break up — sometimes even with Allah — and they say, "I don't believe anymore."

The Root Cause: Feeling Underappreciated

That sense of indifference and apathy in our relationship with Allah, with our people, is wrong. You have to care. Don't tell me you don't care. No matter what you say, you've been designed to care. And you're going to have to do it right so you can find that peace and tranquility.

Now the question: why do people lack that sense of sukoon and tranquility? The number one reason people feel emotionally dissatisfied in any relationship is because they feel underappreciated. Think about your relationship with your child, with your parent, with your spouse. What makes you feel dissatisfied? No matter what effort I put in there, it's never appreciated. Never.

And that is what Allah demands from us — to be grateful. He says:

You remember Me, I shall remember you. Be grateful to Me — and Allah says He shall give you more. وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ — Don't deny Me. And that is the meaning of being ungrateful: denying Allah's blessings. We only think of what we're missing. We don't count the blessings that we have.

Think about that between you and your spouse. It was mentioned in a hadith of the Prophet, peace be upon him, which is recorded in Sahih al-Bukhari. Ibn 'Abbas said that the Prophet, after Salat al-'Eid, went to the women's area to give them a special talk. Part of what he said, peace be upon him, was:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1462)

"O women, give more in charity. For I have seen that you make up the majority of the people of Hellfire." The women said, "O Messenger of Allah, why so?" He said: يَكْفُرْنَ الْعَشِيرَ — they are ungrateful to their companions, ungrateful for what they have in their households.

Now, I know some men keep bringing up this hadith and rubbing it in the faces of their wives saying, "You see, that's what the Prophet, peace be upon him, says!" Our ulama in the shuruh say: that is not just for women — it also applies to men as well. The Prophet mentioned it at that occasion because he was speaking to the ladies, and it may be more commonly found among them. But that does not mean men cannot be ungrateful. They can. They can be even worse. Which is why Allah says in the Quran:

And live with them in kindness — بِالْمَعْرُوفِ — in a reasonable, honourable manner.

The Antidote: Compliments, Gratitude, and Appreciation

Feeling underappreciated comes from the fact that you're not hearing enough of it. There are no compliments. To Allah, what is it called? الحمد والشكر — being thankful to Allah for everything. If we don't give enough shukr, if we don't give enough hamd — and Allah says وَاشْكُرُوا لِي وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ — if you don't give thanks to Allah, then by default you become ungrateful.

Similarly, between a husband and wife, between you and your children, if you only focus on the faults and never appreciate the good things they do, their energy becomes depleted. At some point they feel: whenever I do something, I just can't anymore. I'm done here. I need to quit, because my vessel is completely empty. And this is also addressed in a hadith of the Prophet, peace be upon him, as mentioned in Sunan Abi Dawud:

(Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 1672)

If someone does something good to you, if someone does a favour to you — reward them. The Prophet, peace be upon him, is bringing to our attention: you need to be grateful, you need to show gratitude, make sure you offer compliments to people. Whoever does something good to you, you should reward them. And if you couldn't find anything to give as a reward, keep making du'a for them until you feel satisfied that you've done enough.

Like what? "Thank you. I appreciate that." جَزَاكَ اللَّهُ خَيْرًا. "Wallah, that's very nice. May Allah put barakah in your money, your wealth, and your life." All these du'as that you make for people — those are compliments. They make people feel appreciated. They give people sukoon — alhamdulillah, someone recognizes what I do.

But if we don't do this, we go empty. And that's what happens at home when people stop showing this appreciation, these compliments, among themselves. What happens? Silence takes over, because there's nothing to talk about. Between you and Allah, if you're not giving thanks, what are you doing? You're going through ghafla — distraction. There's no communication with Allah at all. And when there's no communication, that void is filled with what? With judgment and criticism. You only see the faults. And when we do talk, we always talk badly. We always criticize. We always highlight the mistakes and the errors. We never appreciate the good. Only then do people start feeling: I'm done. I'll quit.

The Way Forward

My dear brothers and sisters, I just want you to understand and remember that Allah designed this life in a certain way. It has rules. I don't put these rules — we only share them with each other. And Allah made it clear in the Quran: you're looking for emotional satisfaction from any relationship that you start, and through every relationship that you have. That's what you're looking for. If you cannot find that peace and tranquility, you will quit. So why are you going through this? Because you feel underappreciated. Why? Because you're not hearing enough compliments. And instead, all you hear is judgment and criticism. It's too painful for people to handle.

So think about this: next time when you talk to your spouse, when you talk to your child, when you talk to your co-workers — and next time when you finish your ibadah and salah, don't rush out. Just be grateful for the fact that you were able to come and pray when others couldn't. Just think about that. Be grateful to Allah, and Allah will give you that peace and tranquility that you wish for.

I say this and ask Allah's forgiveness for me and for you, and for the Muslims. So ask His forgiveness. Indeed, He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.

Second Khutbah: Focus on the Positive

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and companions.

My dear brothers and sisters, for the husband and wife, the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: a believing man cannot utterly detest and hate his believing wife. That is not the character of a believer. That is not the attitude of a believer. If you dislike something about her, you will find something else you like. What is the Prophet, peace be upon him, telling us here? No one is perfect. So focus on the positives. What good can they do for you — with your children, with your parents? Focus on this and be grateful for it.

And when you start highlighting these positives in your life — by giving those compliments — you reduce that criticism and that judgment. That will help them, inshallah, raise their morale and increase that morale in their heart, and increase their feeling of appreciation, and hopefully increase their sakina and their peace and tranquility with you. Without doing that, you will always struggle. And Allah is the Most Merciful — He puts these rules for us to follow. You follow them, you find the peace He promised. Otherwise, you're on your own.

May Allah fill our hearts with love and mercy for one another, Ya Rabb al-'alameen. Give us tranquility and sukoon in our hearts and in our lives, Ya Rabb al-'alameen.

O servants of Allah, indeed Allah and His angels send blessings upon the Prophet. O you who believe, send blessings upon him and salute him with a worthy salutation.