Five Things to Consider Before Marriage

Five Things to Consider Before Marriage

Whoever Allah guides, there is no guide for him, and whoever He misguides, there is no guide for him, and I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, alone, there is no partner for Him, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and His messenger.

Allah says in the Quran:

He says: O believers, have taqwa in Allah — which means that we should be conscious of Him, we should be aware of Him, and we should protect ourselves from His punishment and His wrath — and we should never die except in a state of لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ مُحَمَّدٌ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ, a state of submission to our Lord, to our Maker.

I begin my khutbah by asking Allah first and foremost to send prayers and blessings upon our Habib, our Rasul, our Prophet ﷺ.

My dear brothers and sisters in Islam, السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ.

The Survey & The Problem

A couple of years ago, I sent a survey to American Muslims. I was targeting young Muslims. And I asked very simple questions — two questions.

If you are considering marriage, why do you want to marry? What is the reason? And then the second question was: if you are married, why is it that you're still thriving through this marriage, trying to make things work? Why is it that you're still married?

Two things. First, if you want to consider marriage, why do you want to consider marriage? What is the motive? And the second question was: if you are married, what is keeping you in this relationship?

As I was going through the responses, I figured that, subhanAllah, the challenges that Muslims face are still very valid until today. We're not talking about a long time ago — we're talking about a couple of years ago.

But it looks like this is one of the challenges that's really threatening the Muslim community in the West, and specifically in America. One of the issues that we really need to give a lot of attention to. This is one of the biggest threats to the Muslim community.

Marriage. There is a big problem there. A big problem in pursuing marriage. That's one aspect. Finding the right spouse is very challenging. And then getting married and keeping this marriage — especially in the first five years — is very challenging. The divorce rate is actually increasing in the first five years of marriage. So, obviously, there is a real issue right here that we want to address.

We cannot be silent about it. We have to talk about it. We have no other alternatives, no other options but to talk about it, to address it, and to have conversations about it.

Five Points to Consider Before Marriage

SubhanAllah, I summarized five points. Because I know, due to the limitations of the khutbah, I only want to cover five points. Maybe two minutes for each point, inshallah.

Point One: Have a Higher Purpose for Marriage

The question: why do you want to marry? I got good responses. Some were talking about iffah (chastity). Some said, I want to marry because I want companionship. Some others said, we want to explore the world, we want to have a good time. And subhanAllah, these are good answers. But there is one answer that I was looking for that I didn't get.

Why do you want to marry? There has to be something higher than this. A reason that is much higher. Obviously, we want to protect ourselves from the fitan, sure. We want to protect our faith through lowering our gaze and having a halal alternative. That's obviously something that is very noble and it is rooted in our Shari'ah. But there has to be something higher than that.

And that is, subhanAllah, just looking at Prophet Zakariya (peace be upon him). He was making du'a to Allah and he said:

He is identifying the ultimate goal of marriage. He said: I want an offspring. I want to build a family. I want children who can come and continue my legacy. Once I go to my grave, I want children who can actually benefit me in my grave.

We all know the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ when he said that three things — the only three things — can benefit me and you in our graves. One of them is:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 13, Hadith 1631)

A righteous child who can make du'a for you after you pass.

This idea of legacy, by the way, is not only an Islamic concept. Obviously, it is also a Western, secular concept — to have somebody who can continue my legacy. LeBron James is a great basketball player and now he is investing in his son. Him and his son are going to play in the NBA for the very first time together. His son wants to actually continue his legacy because he wants to be remembered once he passes, which is good.

But there is a little tweak when it comes to Muslims, when it comes to believers. We want the same concept but for a higher purpose than this. We want Jannah. We want to go on the Day of Judgment and we want the Prophet ﷺ to be proud of all of us in front of all nations, because he said it:

(Sunan al-Bayhaqi al-Kubra, Hadith 13835; also referenced in Silsilah al-Ahadith al-Sahihah of al-Albani, Hadith 2383)

Get married, have children — because I want on the Day of Judgment to be proud of you in front of everybody, in front of all other nations. You are a unique nation.

So yes, we are worshipping Allah throughout this marriage relationship. I want us to look at marriage from this lens. Obviously there are many dunya gains from getting married and protecting yourself, but there is something higher than that. And subhanAllah, that really highlights the message of the Prophet ﷺ, because when he came, he said:

All of my dunya and all of my akhira, all of my prayers and all of my fasting, should revolve around faith. Should be driven from faith. Faith is our anchor. Our main motive to get married. That should be the case.

That's number one.

Point Two: Marriage Will Not Fix Your Personal Problems

A common mistake we make before marriage is thinking: marriage is going to fix my personal problems, my personal issues. I'm dealing with a couple of issues, and I think once I get married, those problems will vanish. I'll be good. I'm struggling with depression or anxiety. I'm struggling with my financial state. And I think by getting married, all of these problems will disappear.

That's one of the common misunderstandings of marriage. And subhanAllah, if you think about it, the ulama and the scholars actually said that marriage — the ruling of marriage — could be haram, could be prohibited. And it could be obligatory. And it could be disliked. How so? Well, Imam Abu Hanifa identified this. He said: if you are not fit to be a spouse, and you are going to leave more harm than benefit, and you're not ready for marriage, then it is haram to get married.

You're not ready financially. You're not ready spiritually, emotionally, mentally. You're not ready. And you think by getting married, my iman is going to rise, my financial state will magically be much better, my emotional state will be fixed, and everything is going to be perfect once I just make that step. Well, that's not how it works.

The advice of Imam Abu Hanifa highlights this concept of assessing yourself first before getting into that commitment. Am I really, really ready for marriage? And please, we don't want to use Islamic dalils to tweak some text just to make ourselves feel better, even though we know for a fact that we're not even ready for it.

I have no financial plans to get married. I have absolutely no desire to even get financially stable. I know for a fact that I'm not even looking for jobs. I'm not ready. And then I say, well, Allah is the one who provides — I will just put my trust in Allah and get married. Well, tawakkul in Allah comes with your plans, with your efforts. Tawakkul does not come without you taking all of the means.

You get ready — and I'm talking here specifically to men. We need to actually be up to the bar. We're getting married. We need to be responsible. We need to have a plan. By the way, al-qiwamah is a privilege. This concept of qiwamah — that you are the leader of the house — comes for a reason. Because you as a man should take ownership over this. You work, you have a solid financial plan, and then you get that privilege. You cannot go into a relationship and be absolutely not ready for it.

Point Three: Marry at the Right Time — Do Not Delay

This is a very common mistake that we make — especially before marriage. Two things happen here. Either we want to rush the process because of pressure from home or from society, and we just want to get married, making an emotional decision and committing ourselves to a long-term commitment. Or we delay it excessively.

Now, should I just marry for the sake of marriage? Or should I wait until I actually find the right spouse? Well, to summarize this: marry at the right time. When is the right time? When you are emotionally ready, spiritually ready, financially ready, mentally ready — and you find the right spouse.

This means that perhaps we should not delay marriage for education. If I know that this is my right time to marry, and I am ready — financially, emotionally, spiritually — and there is a potential good spouse, why would I delay this for a career or education? That is one of the common mistakes we see. And then we come to age 35 or 40, stuck. I focused so much on my career. I focused so much on my education. And now I don't think it's the right time for me to marry.

I would say the following: when it comes to prioritizing education over marriage, as long as you are ready for marriage — mentally, spiritually, emotionally — and you are in a position where you have found the right spouse, marry. If you want to continue and get higher degrees, that is completely fine if it is suited with your marriage life. I should not delay marriage for that reason. We can do it together. You grow with your spouse. You pursue a degree or a career while you're married.

The common mistake is to pause marriage and pursue education. I'm putting this on the side. My goal is to get that degree, or that position in corporate, or to make that amount of money. I want to be independent. I will push marriage to the side. What happens is, reality will punch you in the face. Yes, you gained some education, yes, you gained a good position — but now time has passed.

What we need to do is align these two things. I am getting married and I have certain educational and career goals. I will get married and I will see — if that is suitable for my family, if the circumstances allow me to do so, bismillah, do it. If now I marry and I realize I have other priorities, then I will focus on those other priorities.

Point Four: Marry for the Right Reason — Do Not Ignore Red Flags

Make sure that you marry for the right reason. Make sure that you are not involved in a relationship that you logically believe is not going to work. Do not let emotions override your judgment when the signs are clearly there.

Point Five: Involve Your Parents From the Very Beginning

SubhanAllah, one of the common mistakes we make — especially before marriage — is this: please involve your parents in the process from the get-go when it comes to marriage. Please, for God's sake, involve your parents from the beginning.

Why do I say this? First, because emotions will not be the crucial factor in your decision-making — your parents will think logically about the relationship you are committing yourself to. Many, many relationships have actually failed at the stage where they are delaying the involvement of parents. Why? Because if I am a man and I am able to hang out with you, go outside, with absolutely no responsibility on my shoulder because no parents are involved, then why would I be as serious as I should be?

Involving parents gives you that sense of seriousness. And at the same time, one of the real benefits of involving parents from the get-go is that you will see what this family looks like — how your future in-laws look like. You are now in direct communication with your potential in-laws. If they are good people that you want to associate yourself with, then bismillah — it gives you that clarity from the beginning.

What's happening is one of two things: either a lack of seriousness because parents are not involved whatsoever, or something even more dangerous — you already built an attachment with this person, even though there are many red flags in this relationship. Even though, since you got to know his family, you realized his family is terrible and you don't want to be associated with them. But it's too late. You're already attached.

And what we do at this point is overlook these real issues because we are emotionally attached. And what happens after marriage — after a couple of months, or one year, or two years — is that you wake up to the reality that you married the wrong person. And now you face the consequences.

Summary of the Five Points

Just to summarize:

Number one: Have a higher purpose for why you want to marry. Consider it a form of ta'ah, a form of worship to Allah.

Number two: Make sure you marry for the right reason. Make sure you are not in a relationship that you logically believe is not going to work.

Number three: Make sure that you marry at the right time. Nothing should make you delay your marriage. If you are ready — financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally — and you have found the right spouse, nothing should make you delay it. Not your education, not your career, not a family member.

Number four: Do not make emotional decisions that cause you to overlook clear red flags.

Number five: Involve your parents from the very beginning.

Closing Du'a

We ask Allah to bless our young people and to bless them with successful marriages. We ask Allah to make us among those who will find comfort, tranquility, and serenity in our relationships. And we ask Allah to make us among those who will marry and establish لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ مُحَمَّدٌ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ on this earth.

I say this and ask Allah's forgiveness for me and for you.