Friends That Hold You Back

Friends That Hold You Back

We begin by praising Allah and bearing witness that none has the right to be worshipped or unconditionally obeyed except for Him. And we bear witness that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam is his final messenger. We ask Allah to send his peace and blessings upon him, the prophets and messengers that came before him, his family and companions that served alongside him, and those that follow in his blessed path until the Day of Judgment. And we ask Allah to make us amongst them. Allahumma ameen.

Reassessing Relationships in Times of Isolation

Dear brothers and sisters, in this period of isolation where we have had a chance to reassess so much about our lives, one of the discussions that has frequently been brought up is the role of relationships in our lives — human connection in our lives — the way that families have been obviously separated and distant from one another.

There are friends maybe that you had not seen for an entire year, a year and a half. Friends maybe that even passed away in this time of isolation. But you had this opportunity to really take a step back and to reassess. In a time where people were moved from the public space to the private space, you reassess how much the public influence got to you and in what ways, and how much you're able to generate or what you've been missing out on in your private spaces.

And subhanAllah, when we talk about friends, often — at least in my experience in the recent years — discussions about friends are usually when you're talking to young people, talking to teenagers about friends, talking to kids about friends, the importance of good friends, avoiding bad friends. But one of the things that fascinates me is that when you look through the books of tazkiyah, the books of spirituality, this is not an age-specific discussion. It's not a discussion that applies to one group of people, because the only thing that changes with age are the dynamics of friendships. But the idea of friendship is still very much there.

Nor do we find that the Prophet ﷺ — who you can often derive by the way that he addressed the people he was speaking to — speaking to only one group of people. Rather, we find the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ:

Verily, a person is on the religion of their friends, so let one of you pay very close attention to who they take as a friend. (Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 4833; Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2378)

And by the way, if a person is on the religion of their friends, what then of their spouses? The idea of influence and someone that you're going to spend a lot of time with. And unfortunately for many people, they marry for reasons outside of these things and they try to fit in the deen, fit in the character and everything else. If what makes you a pleasing person in the sight of Allah is deen and khuluq — religion and character — those are the two most fundamental things you look for in a spouse. That is because ultimately you want someone who is also going to rub off on you in regards to their religion and in regards to their character.

The Best and Worst of Friendships

A khalil is someone who's a very close friend. And the ulema talk about this in multiple ways. They say the best relationship — the best relationship — is the one that's initiated fi ta'atillah, initiated in the remembrance of Allah. It may be, in fact, that two people who have absolutely nothing else in common come together on the basis of their love of Allah and their passion for the deen. And that is the means by which not only they enter into Jannah, but by which they are envied by the prophets on the Day of Judgment.

Because the Prophet ﷺ said that those who love each other for the sake of Allah on the Day of Judgment have these manabir of nur — these pulpits of light. Everyone admires these pulpits of light. They're in the shade of Allah's throne.

Those who love one another for My majesty will have pulpits of light, and the Prophets and martyrs will envy them. (Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2390)

Why? Because friendship is precious. And it was initiated only upon their love for Allah. They came together on the basis of that love of Allah. They parted from one another on the basis of that love of Allah. It's the best friendship.

It is the friendship that we find Musa ﷺ speaking to Allah, asking Allah for Harun ﷺ. Harun was already his brother, but he asked Allah to appoint him to share the task with him:

"And appoint for me a minister from my family — Harun, my brother. Strengthen through him my back, and let him share my task, that we may exalt You much and remember You much." Sometimes when you have a righteous companion, when you have a righteous friend and your own resolve starts to wither — maybe you're not even recognizing it — that person pushes you and pushes you and pushes you. So we'll remember You frequently together. We'll pray to You frequently together. We'll carry this amanah, this trust of religion together. This da'wah together.

That is the most ideal relationship, and it's the beauty of the relationship of the sahaba. What puts an Abu Bakr and an Ibn Mas'ud, may Allah be pleased with them, in the same room together? What puts Umar and Bilal, may Allah be pleased with them, in the same room together to become the best of friends? What puts these people in the same room together except for the love of Allah and that pursuit of Allah's pleasure?

And so the best relationship is the one that's initiated for the sake of Allah and nourished for the sake of Allah. The worst relationship is the one that's initiated in evil. And a bad relationship — and this is something that's very important, as Imam al-Ghazali rahimahullah points out — something that started in evil rarely can be rectified to good. Started a relationship for the wrong reasons, it leads you to the disobedience of Allah — that's rarely going to get better. Those are the relationships that you just have to move on from.

Relationships of Convenience and Interest

Then there's something very insightful that he says. Most relationships that we have are either relationships that we didn't really choose — they're relationships of convenience or circumstance. For example, friends, close friends — someone of the same age, at some point you went to school with this person, communities came together — so they're relationships that were kind of forced upon us in a way, especially family relationships. Or the second type: relationships on the basis of interest — likemindedness and things of that sort.

Now, the problem comes when your interests change and you want to get closer to Allah. If you put too much currency in the friendships that were on the basis of interest, or the basis of circumstance, there's something that's been developed through these bonds. It's hard to walk away from those friendships or at least to moderate them.

You don't find that when the sahaba became Muslim, they went to all of their old friends and said, "I'm not talking to you anymore. As-salamu alaykum, I've got to pursue Jannah now." If anything, there was da'wah — calling people to Allah — but there are relationships that even remained. Between some of the non-believers that were not hostile and some of the believers at the time, relationships remained, and at some point became relationships that were fruitful because they bore the fruit of Islam.

But you start to try to make a change and you kind of feel shackled. Because I don't know how to start letting this go. I don't know how to start hanging out a little bit less. I don't know how to break the mold of culture. Peer pressure when you are younger, friendship when you're younger — the pressure that comes. When you get older, it's also about expectations and clicks. It's like I've got to do things the way my friends do. We've got to gather the way they gather. We've got to talk the way they talk. But it's also the fear of loneliness and losing out on your friends. You don't go to school anymore and make friends the way that you typically make friends.

The Inevitable and Subtle Influence of Your Circle

Here's what happens, though. What is consistent throughout is that the influence that your circles have on you is inevitable and not easily detectable. Every single person that you spend an extended amount of time with influences you, whether you like it or not, whether you deny it or not. And in ways that you can't even connect or detect. You start talking the same way. Sometimes you start making the same jokes. You start being able to predict what that person is going to say, and they can predict what you're going to say. There is an influence. Your character starts to change. Your standards start to change. The things that you see as objectionable or not objectionable, praiseworthy or not praiseworthy — all of that is going to impact you whether you like it or not, whether you're seventeen years old or whether you are seven years old.

Your group will rub off on you. And it's not about whether or not it will rub off on you. It's about the extent to which you let that rub off on you. And that's why there's a saying: sahibu sahib, a sahib — a companion is someone who drags you, imma ilal jannah wa imma ilal nar — either drags you to paradise or drags you to hellfire.

Literally, the Prophet ﷺ said: you will be resurrected with the people that you love, the people you hang out with.

A person will be with those whom he loves. (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6169; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2640)

Are those the people you hope to be around on Yawm al-Qiyamah? Are those the people you hope to show up on the Day of Judgment standing with you, that you think will have the best chance of making an argument for you? Or are you going to say, "I hope I'm going to pretend I don't know this person"? Who do you want around you on the Day of Judgment? That's who you should be around in this dunya.

The Musk Seller and the Blacksmith

The influence is subtle, and the Prophet ﷺ talks about these subtleties with the famous example: a good friend is like a person who sells musk. Even if you don't purchase their product, their inventory, they're going to rub off on you and you're going to smell good.

The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blacksmith's bellows. From the seller of musk, you will either buy some or find a good smell from him. As for the blacksmith's bellows, it will either burn your body or your clothes, or you will find a foul smell from it. (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 2101; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2628)

Likewise, you have the opposite — an evil friend, a blacksmith. Just think about a smoker. Someone smokes cigarettes and you're around them as a secondhand smoker. The smoke gets on you. You start to smell bad — even if you did not smoke the cigarettes yourself. There's something that happens to you in the process of all of this.

Wisdom from Imam al-Shafi'i and Ibn 'Ata'illah

Here's what our ulama teach us to make of all of that. Imam al-Shafi'i rahimahullah ta'ala says:

"I love the righteous, even though I don't really consider myself to be amongst them — perhaps I will attain their intercession. And I hate the one who trades in evil, even if I feel like we have the same inventory."

Meaning: when I hang out with the ulama and I hang out with righteous people, I don't feel like I'm at their level. I feel like they're better than me. Not only will I hope that their character will rub off on me, but I hope on the Day of Judgment I would have their intercession. And I hate the one who trades in evil — even if I feel like we trade in the same inventory — because those are not the people that I want to be around on the Day of Judgment.

Imam Ibn 'Ata'illah al-Sakandari talks about a powerful way of approaching friendship. Do you want a friendship that's just halal? People around you that simply don't make you do haram. Alhamdulillah — the best types of companions you can be around are people that won't make you sin. You can enjoy what Allah has allowed you to enjoy and you're not going to sin. That's a good step. But to befriend people who actually inspire you with their very being — they inspire you with their halal.

He said, rahimahullah ta'ala, in his hikam — his wisdoms: don't hang out with people whose state does not inspire you. The state should be an inspiring state. There should be something about their character that you can identify, something about their state that you want to rub off on you. If you can't identify it, then it's probably not the greatest friendship — especially if you can identify a bad trait: maybe I backbite more, maybe I gossip more when I'm around this person. You want someone whose state inspires you and whose words direct you towards Allah — either they remind you of Allah by remembering Allah themselves and injecting the remembrance of Allah into your gatherings, or they are not afraid to remind you of Allah when they see you distancing yourself from Him.

Some people in the name of friendship will support you by praising you when you're distancing yourself from Allah. They'll tell you, "You do you." They'll tell you, "Good for you." They'll tell you, "I love you" — which is great to say at all times. But the Prophet ﷺ said:

Support your brother when he wrongs and when he is wronged. (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 2443)

How do you support him when he's wronging? Stop him. You love that person — you're going to tell them when they're going far away, when they're distancing themselves. Now, of course, if that person themselves is far away, then who are they to tell you that you're going far away? They don't recognize it in themselves — why would they recognize it in you? So you want someone whose hal — whose state — is there, who is at a station that is better than you in this regard, and someone who will tell you when you are departing from your stated claim, from where you want to be. Not someone who's going to congratulate you, not someone who's going to support you in your haram, not someone who's going to say, "I understand it's been a rough time." No — someone who, out of love for you, will have that tough conversation with you. Because they love you more than they love your friendship. That's true love.

They love you more than they love your friendship, so they're willing to have those conversations with you — even if that means it's going to compromise the friendship. They will not be supporters in evil, but instead they will be allies for your absolute akhira, what you are seeking in the hereafter.

The Danger of Low Standards

He goes on to say in his hikam: you might be a person who is completely away from Allah, but you see yourself as a muhsin — you see yourself as a person who excels, a good-doer. Why? Because you're with someone who's in a worse state than you. And so you see virtue in yourself. That's a powerful idea. If you're around people with no standards, then your standards are going to fall. And then you're going to look at yourself and say, "Maybe I'm not so bad. I'm ahead of the game. If I compare myself to this group of people, then I see that I'm doing really well."

So sahibul himmah — a person who has ambition to please Allah — should surround himself with people of himmah, people who also have that ambition to please Allah. And to be intentional about forming those relationships and to not be shackled by the standards that have been set by previous friendships and previous relationships. And if you can't see the difference in your heart after being around someone who reminds you of Allah and being around someone who has no connection to Allah, then you're probably not being honest with yourself.

Connection to the Prophet ﷺ and His Companions

Dear brothers and sisters, at the end of this all, one of the things that we learn from those that came before us is that our relationships are not just limited to those that are living. When the Prophet ﷺ passed away from this world, he already established a relationship with us. He already talked about his love for us. Sometimes the relationship that you have with the people of the past — you could feel like they're your friends. You could feel like they're your companions. You read about great people — and no greater people than the companions of the Prophet ﷺ — and you might start feeling like you have a connection to them, that they're your own companions, your own friends. Sometimes those are the relationships that will get you through the hard times. Sometimes those are the relationships that will give you the nasiha — the advice — when you can't find any advisor amongst the ahya, amongst those that are alive around you.

So al-ta'alluq bil-nabi ﷺ wa bi-ashabihi — to connect yourself to the Prophet ﷺ and to his companions, those whom Allah is pleased with — in hopes that even when I'm reading their stories from the books, their habits and their ways and their perceptions and their perspectives will rub off on me. And I'll start to find that that shifts my worldview as well, and that that becomes my way as well.

May Allah allow us to be amongst those that are positively influenced by those that inspire us, and that influence others and inspire them towards Allah. May Allah allow us to abandon anything that is displeasing to Him, anything that serves as a barrier between us and Him. And may Allah overlook our shortcomings and join us with the greatest companion from those that He has created, the Prophet ﷺ, and grant us his companionship.