How to Deal With a Narcissist

How to Deal With a Narcissist

I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, and that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger. Allah says in the Quran:

He says, all believers have taqwa in Allah — which means that we should be conscious of Him, we should be aware of Him. And we should protect ourselves from His punishment and His wrath. And we should never die except in a state of submission to Allah.

I begin my khutbah by asking Allah first and foremost to send blessings and prayers upon our Habib, our Rasul.

My dear brothers and sisters in Islam, السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

The Quran Speaks to Us About Ourselves

SubhanAllah, the book of Allah, the Quran, is a unique book. Because this book speaks to the people, speaks to me, speaks to you. And it speaks to us about ourselves — understanding ourselves, understanding our different personalities, understanding how we interact with each other.

By the way, Allah could have just sent a book that speaks about Him — focusing on His names and attributes as the Khaliq. But what's very unique about this book is that it's a combination of both: about our Creator and about ourselves as well.

And SubhanAllah, one of the things that we really want to comprehend and internalize in today's khutbah is that one of the traits of the human being that exists in some human beings is this concept of narcissism. And Allah has mentioned the most classical narcissist in the world throughout history, and that is Fir'aun.

And Allah has mentioned his story, and specifically in Surah Al-Shu'ara, Allah has mentioned a debate that happened between Musa (alayhi salaam) and Fir'aun. By the way, this debate is amazing — it's a great debate. To the point that Allah has documented this debate in the Quran for billions of people to read it and to seek guidance from it. That's a real debate right here.

And in this debate, Allah is showing us how Musa (alayhi salaam) interacted with a narcissist. And Allah actually also highlighted what are the traits of a narcissist in the shape of Fir'aun. What characteristics Fir'aun had that highlighted how narcissistic he is — that was also mentioned in this debate.

Common Traits of a Narcissist

So before diving into this great debate, I just want us to understand that there are common traits for a narcissist. Some of them are:

• Self-exaltation
• Desire for control
• Manipulation
• Lack of empathy
• Fragile ego
• Guilt tripping

These are common traits. And all of them exist in this debate between Musa and Fir'aun.

The Story of Musa: Context

Now let's see how this debate started. Just a little context — we all know the story of Prophet Musa (alayhi salaam). There was a child, and Fir'aun decided to kill all of the males who would be born that year. Allah sent a wahy to the mother of Musa to put him in a basket. He was saved, but he arrived at the door of the palace of Fir'aun. He got to live with Fir'aun for years. And then he made the mistake of killing somebody unintentionally. And then as a result, he had to escape. And he became homeless, jobless, and lost. And then Allah saved him, gave him a family, gave him a job. And after that, Allah made him a Rasul. That's just a quick summary of the life of Prophet Musa up to the point where he's about to go back to confront Fir'aun.

Now, obviously Musa was terrified to meet Fir'aun because he had escaped from his palace. But Allah gave him a command to go and to challenge Fir'aun in his palace — to talk to Fir'aun in his palace. And Prophet Musa told Him, "Ya Allah, I even have a stutter. I don't know if I'm going to be able to challenge somebody with this profile, and I even struggle with my speech." Then Allah told him, "Just take your brother with you, Harun, and say the du'a and go, Bismillah."

The Du'a of Musa Before the Debate

And we all know the beautiful du'a that Prophet Musa (alayhi salaam) made before the debate — to renew his intention and seek Allah's assistance and guidance.

He said: "Rabbish-rahli sadri" — Ya Allah, give me comfort, expand my chest. "Wayassirli amri" — Just make my affairs easy, make it easy on me, Ya Allah. "Wahlul uqdatan min lisani" — Just free my tongue, let me speak with ease, make me eloquent. "Yafqahu qawli" — And make people understand what I am talking about, make my speech powerful.

The Great Debate: Musa vs. Fir'aun

Now he had made this du'a. Now he entered the palace of Fir'aun. As he was entering the palace, Fir'aun is right at the front, sitting on his throne. Around him, all of the Israelites. And Prophet Musa standing right in front of him.

And then Prophet Musa, with all confidence, requested two things from Fir'aun. He told him: "I'm here for two things, right away." He said: First and foremost, I want your Malak — the Israelites — to come with me. And the second thing: I want you to believe that Allah is the Creator of all universes. He is your Creator and my Creator.

Two simple things. We are the prophets of Allah — Allah the Creator. Send with us your Malak, your people. Obviously, you may think that this is a crazy ask. I mean, you're just coming, you're weak, you have no power, and you're just challenging the most tyrant man in the history of human beings and telling him: "Just give me your people. And I want you to acknowledge that I'm a prophet and Allah is your Creator and my Creator." Who would submit to this? But let's see what happens.

Trait #1: Guilt Tripping — Fir'aun's First Response

The first sign of narcissism is coming up — right now, right in this sentence. I'm requesting from you something. I'm asking you to do something. And the response should be addressing this ask. Right? That's just the normal way to address a request. No — that's not the normal way for a narcissist to respond to a request. A narcissist thinks that his desires, his needs, and his ego come first.

In these sentences, Fir'aun did not even acknowledge what Musa (alayhi salaam) was asking. He told him: "Do you still remember that we took care of you? For years we have been spending all of this money on you, providing you this education and this healthcare and all of the privileges that you had in my house." You see here? He did not acknowledge the ask of Musa (alayhi salaam). Rather, he did something that is very well known in psychology — guilt tripping. He is reminding him of the favors he made towards him in order to manipulate him emotionally. That is a trait of a narcissist right here. He is making you feel terrible about yourself by pointing to favors he did for you at some point. That is a way a narcissist will definitely embody.

Now, Fir'aun added one more sentence. He said: وَفَعَلْتَ فَعْلَتَكَ الَّتِي فَعَلْتَ وَأَنتَ مِنَ الْكَافِرِينَ — "I want to remind you that you have done a mistake. Don't forget the mistake you made when you killed this man." He wants to make him feel guilty. He wants to put him down because he made a mistake. He is not going to let it go. He will make sure that he controls him because he knows that he made a mistake, and he will take advantage of that. This goes back to desire for control — that is one of the traits of narcissism.

Even though in Islam, we believe in a second chance — this concept of tawbah, repentance. You make a mistake, you ask Allah to forgive you, and you move on. This is how Islam works. But obviously for a narcissist, no — it doesn't work this way. He will make sure that he controls you by mentioning your mistake.

Musa's Response: Accountability and Moving Forward

Now, how was the response of Musa (alayhi salaam)? And how different is his response to Fir'aun's response? Allah is beautiful. He said to him: "You know what, I will take responsibility. I will take responsibility over my mistakes. I will hold myself accountable for my mistake. I will not dismiss my mistake. I will turn the mirror towards myself and say, well, I have done wrong."

And then he said: فَفَرَرْتُ مِنكُمْ لَمَّا خِفْتُكُمْ — "In addition to this, I was terrified. To be honest, I was terrified that you may come after me. And then I changed. And when I changed, وَهَبَ لِي رَبِّي حُكْمًا وَجَعَلَنِي مِنَ الْمُرْسَلِينَ — Allah Azza wa Jal showered me with blessings. I started fresh again. I gave myself a second chance and Allah gave me the second chance. And as a result, Allah even made me among the prophets — وَأَنَا مِنَ الْمُرْسَلِينَ."

You see the difference? Musa (alayhi salaam)'s response — he is not ignoring or dismissing what Fir'aun is saying, just like Fir'aun did when Musa (alayhi salaam) requested from him to send his Malak. He did not do the same. He took responsibility for what he had done. That is a trait of a man with honor and a man who has good character.

Confronting the Narcissist: Stay Steady

Now what was the response? It was just a game — back and forth. Fir'aun now said: "I've done this mistake, but now I want you to acknowledge your own mistakes. You have been humiliating the Israelites and you had taken these people as slaves. How dare you do this?"

You see — when you confront a narcissist, you never want to show weakness. You have to stay steady. You don't punch. You be powerful. You don't get humiliated. You don't get intimidated. And that is exactly what Musa (alayhi salaam) has done. He told him: "I took responsibility for my mistakes, definitely. But what about you? Would you take responsibility over the horrific act of taking all of these people as slaves and claiming that you are God?"

And then obviously, Fir'aun dismissed everything that had been said. And now, what triggered Fir'aun was that Musa was talking about a higher power, a God that was more powerful than him. That is what triggered him. And what truly triggers any narcissist is his ego. When you mess with his ego, now you get problems.

Trait #2: Ego — "Who Is This God?"

So now Fir'aun said: "Who is this God that you have been talking about? Who is this God? مَا رَبُّ الْعَالَمِينَ?"

And then Musa (alayhi salaam) stayed committed to the cause. And he looked at this as an opportunity for dawah. He told him:

"He is the Lord of the Heavens, and He is the Lord of the Earth, and He is the Lord of all that is in between them. If you may be a believer — if you comprehend — you will understand that there is a higher power." He is still committed to the cause. He is not shifting, he is not deviating from the main cause. That is one thing that you need to do and I need to do when facing a person like this. You don't shift from your own cause. You stay committed.

Trait #3: Mockery and Belittling

Obviously, Fir'aun continued with his way of mocking Musa (alayhi salaam) — putting him down, making fun of him, making sure that he appears worthless. He wants people to look at him like this because eventually when he is worthless, now Fir'aun is big in the eyes of the people around him. That is a tactic. So he told the people around him: "Do you guys see what he's saying?" — just trying to make fun of him in front of the Malak of Fir'aun.

And then Musa (alayhi salaam) continued. He stayed committed to the cause. He told him:

"Yes — He is the God. And He is the God of my fathers and my ancestors. And He is the Creator of this universe. Yes. That is something you should not be making fun of."

Trait #4: Personal Attacks When Logic Fails

Fir'aun responded, and you see the back and forth — it is a game. Now, when there is no logic left — because Musa (alayhi salaam) had brought to him that there is no way you can be God, and God is the one who created you and me, the Creator of the universe — Fir'aun has no point. So you know what he did? He started insulting Musa and getting personal. We are talking about the cause now, we are talking about what is logical, we are rationalizing our arguments. Why did he shift? He said: إِنَّهُ لَمَجْنُونٌ — "This man is just crazy, he doesn't know what he's talking about." He's getting personal. You see?

And then Musa (alayhi salaam) also stayed committed to the cause. He brought it back and said:

"There is no way — because all the place that we are at now, the East and the West and what is in between, everything in this universe belongs to somebody who is higher than you, man. Somebody who is actually more powerful than you. And that is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala." Just keep knocking on the same point over and over and over. Beautiful.

Trait #5: Abuse of Power and Aggression

Now Fir'aun took a different shift. He said: "Now — I couldn't really win you in arguments. And when I fail to win you in arguments, what I do is go and show you aggression. If you don't believe in me as God, I will send you to jail." It is like — what happened to the logic? We have just been having a conversation. Why did you shift that quick? Why are you now abusing your power — and that is another trait. Why are you abusing your own power? Because you have authority over me. I am a man who has no army, who has nothing. And you are a leader of an army. لَأَجْعَلَنَّكَ مِنَ الْمَسْجُونِينَ.

The Turning Point: Musa Offers a Miracle

Allah. By the way — that is the turning point in the story. Musa (alayhi salaam) said: "What if I show you something that proves that you are not God?" Why do I say that this is the turning point? Because when Musa (alayhi salaam) told him, "What about I show you a miracle so you believe that I'm the messenger" — a narcissist would not accept this. But there is a mistake that Fir'aun made by accepting this challenge. Because Fir'aun knew for a fact that if he were to accept this challenge, he would get destroyed — because he knew for a fact that Musa (alayhi salaam) is a messenger, and he is not God. He knows that he is not God. But his ego got in the way to the point that it made him blind — to accept something that he knows for a fact will fire back towards him.

So he said, "I will accept the challenge." He's like — what? That was the turning point. Because things went downhill after this. And it is a domino effect. That was the first mistake that Fir'aun made. And after this, many mistakes came in the way.

The Ego That Destroys

Allah Azza wa Jal sent Musa (alayhi salaam) with a miracle — just turning his stick into a snake. And then showing his hand, and his hand was bright. All of the power that Allah had given Musa (alayhi salaam). And after that, Fir'aun, when he got defeated, made another mistake. He said: "No, no, no, no — what about we gather everybody and show me really what you've got, and I will be calling my magicians, and we'll see what happens."

You see — now he is making more mistakes. He knows for a fact that this is not magic. He knows for a fact that Musa (alayhi salaam) is a messenger. He knows for a fact that he is not a lord. But his ego is getting in the way. His ego is destroying him.

Now, what happened is — "Okay, call your people." Allah Azza wa Jal sent another mu'jiza, and two different mu'jizat — two different miracles — to the point that he showed Fir'aun that he is a false god, and all of the Israelites believed with Prophet Musa (alayhi salaam). And he did not stop even then. You know what he did? He said: "Okay, I will call my army and I will come after you. I will make sure I destroy you." You know that he is the messenger of Allah, and you are still challenging this? You are still challenging the fact that you are not a god? "Yes, I am still challenging this." And he thought that his army would have his back.

The End of Fir'aun: No Army Can Bear Allah's Power

And we all know the ending of Fir'aun. The ending of Fir'aun was very tragic. Because he confronted Musa all the way to the sea, and Allah Azza wa Jal destroyed Fir'aun and his people.

Yes — you may think you have the best army in the world. You may think you are undefeatable, that you can destroy any country, or any army, or any nation. But once you get to this level — once you are blind and you are inhuman — you never want to underestimate Allah's power. Because Allah has His own army, and you cannot bear Allah's army. You cannot bear Allah's army.

We ask Allah Azza wa Jal to make us among those who embody the character of Prophet Musa (alayhi salaam). I say this and ask Allah's forgiveness for me and for you.