How To Win Someone's Heart

How To Win Someone's Heart

السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

My brothers and sisters, in a time where change is something essential, something important — changing things from bad to good, from worst to less bad — where people are struggling to keep the good growing, and society is struggling to keep growing and progressing, an essential point came to my mind in regard to the time that we're living in today.

In order for us to be able to influence others with goodness, we have to be able to win those people. Anyone that you want to influence, anyone that you want to work with, to cooperate with, to team up with — you need to win them and to win their hearts.

Before you even dream to make an influence on anyone, make sure that you win that person so he or she will be able to listen to you. And I'll start with the closest people to you — your spouse, your children.

We think that people will listen to us just because of our status. Unfortunately, we don't live in a time where this commonly happens. Even if they listen to you and they work — like your workers, employees, or family members — they do that while their hearts hold rejection, and the moment they can go away from you, they will, and they will leave you.

And that's why الدَّعْوَةُ إِلَى اللَّهِ — calling people to Allah — is an obligation upon all of us as Muslims. There is no specific group, the دُعَاةُ إِلَى اللَّهِ, that means the rest of the ummah is exempt from it. Everyone is asked to practice some kind of دَعْوَة. Yes, there are people specialized in certain areas, not everybody will have the same specialty, but everybody has been asked to have that positive impact on others.

As we think about those who are the closest to us — those are the ones that we should care to win their hearts the most. Your family members, your extended family members, your neighbors, your co-workers, your people who work for you or work with you, the people who surround you, the community and the society at large.

Here are some points that might help you to win these hearts.

Key One: Fix What Is Between You and Allah

Make sure that what is between you and Allah is good. And in the famous hadith — the hadith of Jibreel — the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3209; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2637)

"Indeed, when Allah loves a servant, He calls Jibreel and tells him to love him. Then He commands the angels and they love him. Then acceptance is placed for him upon the earth."

Umar رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ once told one of his generals and leaders: "Look how people see you and perceive you and deal with you — and that's how Allah is actually seeing you as well." But that's Umar referring to righteous people, not corrupt ones. This person was leading a righteous people. So if those righteous people like you and care for you, that means Allah likes you and cares for you too.

SubhanAllah, sometimes historically speaking, there are certain individuals in history upon whom Allah has placed so much barakah in their works. Some speakers — Allah puts so much barakah in their talk. And when you listen to it and you start analyzing it, there is nothing special about it at all. It's a monotone talk. It's a simple idea. Nothing sophisticated about it at all. The knowledge is so shallow. But yet Allah put so much barakah in that movement, or in that organization, or in that person's talk, that millions of people are influenced by it.

Allah knows what those individuals have between them and Him. As He says:

That Allah said: those who believe in Allah and those who do good deeds, Allah will put for them love in the hearts of the believers — and people in general.

Key Two: Sincerity

Sincerity will make people like you. SubhanAllah, the actions of the heart affect other hearts. As much as you are sincere in your care, in your love, in your actions, in your words, in your apology — Allah makes people accept you. But those who are hypocrites, those who are showing off, those who are not sincere — Allah never puts barakah in their work.

We don't care for people until they start caring for us. We don't treat people good because they treat us good. We treat them good because Allah ordered us to do that. And that's ikhlas.

That's why one of the earliest scholars — when somebody came to ask him for money and he helped — his wife told him, "This is your relative," قَالَ: هَذَا قَرِيبُكَ, "he never showed up when you were in need." He replied:

"We treat people according to our principles, not according to their principles. According to our standards, not to their standards." And that only comes when you do this with sincerity.

Many times your spouse might cross the line, might have wronged you — but yet you don't take revenge, because you do the right thing for the sake of Allah. There is a great level of sincerity in that. I deal with Allah. Maybe he or she doesn't deserve a penny, but I'm doing it for the sake of Allah. I do it because it is the right thing.

Key Three: Do Good to People

"Do good to people and you will own their hearts. How many a person has been won over by kindness." Especially honorable people. For when you honor the one of noble character, you win them. Good people — those who are inwardly good, and most people are like that, alhamdulillah — when you do good to them, you own them. They will be good to you. Basically, that will win their hearts.

The Prophet ﷺ used to do service to his wives — Aisha رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا and others. He would clean the house, he would help them in the home. Not because there was so much to do — مَا فِي شَيْءٍ أَصْلًا فِي بَيْتِهِ حَتَّى يَحْتَاجَ إِلَى أَنْ يُسَاعِدَ أَهْلَهُ ﷺ — but he did this just to show that he cares. An act of kindness.

Before he was a prophet, before he had the knowledge of the revelations, what was he? He was a man who looked after his relatives. A man who helped the poor. A man who would host guests well. And a man who would look after those going through hardship or disaster. As Khadijah رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا described him:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 160)

"You maintain the ties of kinship, you help the destitute, you host guests generously, and you assist people in hardships and calamities." That's how the Prophet ﷺ was. And he continued to be that man.

And it was reported:

(Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, Hadith 594; authenticated by Al-Albani)

"Exchange gifts and that will bring love between you and others."

Key Four: Show People That You Care

People don't care about what you say until they feel that you care about them. No matter how knowledgeable you are. No matter how nice, no matter how truthful your words are. You might be saying the absolute right thing — but your kids, your spouse, your neighbor, your friends, your employees, your colleagues, your community will not care until they know that you care about them first.

And that's why the Nabi ﷺ cared about people — that's why they cared so much for what he was saying. To the extent — can you imagine? — he's giving khutbah, like now. A man came in the middle of the khutbah and said, "Ya Rasulallah, I just became Muslim." You know what he did? He left the khutbah, took his chair, put it there, and started teaching him about Islam. He didn't wait until the salah finished. He cared. Then he came back and he gave the khutbah.

What amazed me in this hadith is not how much the Prophet ﷺ cares — because I know he does — but how much the sahabah cared about that person too. They waited, they were patient, they were supportive. رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمْ وَأَرْضَاهُمْ

Key Five: Smile

Smiling is a great tool of winning people's hearts. A smile is something that may appear on your face, but it's really connected to the hearts of people. It doesn't only make you happy — it makes people around you happy as well. And I really always say: I think that's one trademark that should be known about us as Muslims — the smile.

Your smile didn't go anywhere. It's just right under your nose. Sometimes I think I need to give a fatwa about smiling and tell everyone: your teeth are not awrah, you can show them. You don't need to cover your teeth! So smiling is such a beautiful thing in winning people. Instant winning.

Key Six: Call People by the Names They Love

Everybody values their name. SubhanAllah, your name is something you own — it doesn't have a material value. Unless you're a celebrity, I guess your name is a trademark. But your name is something you own. It's not something that has a price tag on it. But it is something so dear to you, so special.

Umar رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ understood that. He said:

"Three things will make your brother love you: when you meet him, give salam first; when he comes, make space for him — 'Welcome, come sit next to me'; and call him by the name that he loves."

Key Seven: Be a Good Listener

A good talker may take someone's interest for a minute or an hour or whatever. But good listeners — people love those who listen to them.

A study showed that among the categories of people most liked by people in general — which is kind of strange — are doctors. Usually you go to doctors when you have problems. But yet doctors are very loved by people, actually among the top categories. The study shows why: because they listen. A good doctor listens to their patient. Just listening to them, allowing them to relax. Be a good listener.

I'll end this part of my khutbah with a story about a man who died around 100 years ago — one of the greatest Muslim scholars. His name is Sheikh Al-Khubari, may Allah have mercy on him. He was a great scholar in Egypt, and was the head of the Department of History and Sharia at Al-Azhar. He had a long career and wrote books by the hundreds.

He suffered from stomach problems — intestinal worms — but he became convinced that there was a snake inside him. Whenever he ate, he had digestion problems. The doctors debated with him, nobody listened to him, he would try to explain himself. Until a good doctor in Egypt told him, "No problem. Tell me what it is." He explained how he felt the movement in his stomach, how things moved around — and obviously, 100 years ago or so, he didn't have a clear understanding of how the body functions, but that's what he thought he had.

This doctor listened to him and said, "Okay, I have a very good medicine for you. Come tomorrow." He came the next day. The doctor gave him something to drink, cleansed the whole system, and then brought out a dead snake — actually from his garden — and said, "Look, your snake is out."

He went back to the university and wrote so many books after that. But for the rest of his life, he praised that doctor. Because that doctor was a good listener and knew how to deal with people. He wrote about him, he praised him for the rest of his life.

Sheikh Ali Tantawi — a great scholar from Damascus, from Syria — told us that story once. May Allah have mercy on them all.

May Allah make us among those who are loved by people, and who love people.

Second Part of the Khutbah: Good Words

Alhamdulillah wahdahu, wa salatu wa salam ala man la nabiyya ba'dahu wa ba'd.

الْكَلِمَةُ الطَّيِّبَةُ صَدَقَةٌ — The Prophet ﷺ said: good words are an act of charity. Saying the nice things.

"Say good to people."

Ibn Abbas رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمَا wants to give you the best example you can think of to show how important it is to say good to all people. He said: "If Pharaoh said to me, 'May Allah bless you,' I would say to him, 'May Allah bless you too.'" Even Pharaoh — you still say what is right and what is good to him.

الْكَلِمَةُ الطَّيِّبَةُ means to compliment people. To say thank you. To make dua for people. To tell them things that make them happy. Also to have a good sense of humor. Also to entertain people when you sit with them.

Ibn Sirin — a great tabi'i (successor) — used to make people cry and also laugh so hard in his gatherings. Good words also means asking people how they feel, what's going on in their life. Take their opinions. Listen to them.

Key Eight: Notice the Small Things

And finally, brothers and sisters — the person who has the ability to see the little, small things. Those people are so good at winning people's hearts. "MashaAllah, you just had a haircut." "Oh, you're the first one who noticed that!" "MashaAllah, you look nice today." "That's a new pair of glasses, right?" "MashaAllah, I like your watch." Those people who notice these small things.

You know — you go home and your wife says, "How are you doing?" "Alhamdulillah." "Is everything okay?" "Do I look okay?" "Yeah, you look the same. You look good." "I just changed the color of my hair." Those who pick up these small little things: "You look tired. Are you okay?" "Oh, thank you. It was really a long day today. Thank you for asking." That's emotional intelligence. Those people are so good at winning people's hearts.

And these things come with training. Just try. Don't be embarrassed. Sometimes it can go wrong — one guy, I told him, "Oh, that looks new and good, MashaAllah." He said, "No, I've had it for about two years." I said, "Oh okay, looks new to me." But you know what? In the end of the day, people also know that you care. And you do this sincerely. You don't do this just for the sake of it — it's to make sure that people are good and happy.

I never want to win somebody's heart to direct them to evil. I never — any one of us — want to manipulate people. That's not our business. We win people's hearts so we can all together go to Jannah. So we all together live a better life. So we all together have a better future together. That's why we win people's hearts.

Du'a

I ask Allah to make us among those who are keys to goodness and not to evil. May Allah forgive our sins and bless our lives, our families, and our wealth. May Allah protect us from all the fitna that has emerged. O Allah, we ask You to forgive the living and the dead and to forgive our parents, O Most Merciful. O Allah, forgive the Muslims, the Muslims, the believers, the believers, the living and the dead. O Allah, protect Your weak and oppressed servants in the east and west of the earth. O Allah, gather our word on truth and guidance, O Lord of Glory and Honor. Grant us success with Your success and guide us with Your guidance. May Allah's peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad and his family and companions.