In Defense Of Marriage

In Defense of Marriage

Alhamdulillah, we praise Him, seek His help, and ask His forgiveness. We seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our actions. Whoever Allah guides, there is no misguider for him, and whoever He misguides, there is no guide for him.

And I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, alone, no partner for Him. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger. O you who believe, fear Allah as He should be feared, and do not die except as Muslims.

O you who believe, fear Allah and say the right words. He will correct your deeds and forgive your sins. Whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has won a great victory.

Indeed, the most truthful hadith is the Book of Allah. And the best guide is the guide of Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. And the worst of things are its innovations. And every innovation is an invention, and every invention is misguidance, and every misguidance is in the Fire.

Marriage as One of Allah's Greatest Signs

Brothers and sisters in Islam, the title of our khutbah today is In Defense of Marriage. And we wanted to begin with how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala regards marriage. And Allah azza wa jal regards marriage as one of His great creations — one of His ayat.

And we see this in Surat Ar-Rum. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is mentioning the great things that He has created. So Allah azza wa jal says:

Allah brings the living out of the dead, and the dead out of the living. And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala brings life to the earth, and in the same way He resurrects you. So we're seeing creation, life, death, giving life to the earth, and resurrection — all these are great signs of Allah azza wa jal.

Then in the next verse, verse 20:

And from His great signs is that He created you from soil. Then you develop into full human beings and you disperse about the earth. And then in the next verse, verse 21:

And from His great signs as well is that He created from amongst yourselves spouses, so that you can find tranquility in them. And He put affection and mercy between you. And in those things are signs for those who contemplate, those who consider.

So if the verses ended there, you might say that Allah azza wa jal was talking about His great signs and then He switched the topic to marriage. But it's not a switch of topics. Because it begins with وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ — so Allah is saying, from His great signs. And then the next verse continues listing great signs, which means Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala put marriage in between mention of His great signs — so it is one of them.

And from His great signs, the creation of the heavens and the earth. And the diversity in your languages and in your colors. Indeed these things are signs for those who have knowledge. So with Allah azza wa jal, marriage is of His great creations.

The Attack on Marriage — And the Response

So why is it that today many times we hear nothing but ridicule of this great institution? We were once at an Islamic conference and we had a room just for da'wah. They brought in a young man in his very early 20s who said he's an atheist. And one of the reasons he's an atheist, he said, was because of marriage. He said: if there is a wise and all-knowing God, why would He put together a system — meaning marriage — that is such a failure? And then he quoted that 50% of marriages end up in divorce. So why would a God put together a system that doesn't work well?

So the question is: do marriages fail because of the institution of marriage — is it a faulty or failed idea? Or is it due to user error? And the inferred argument is that he is saying dating or cohabiting, living together outside of marriage, is better.

And as a da'wah rule, anytime someone critiques Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's system or His laws or rules, that means they're saying they have a better way and a better system. So if you think marriage is a failure, then you probably advocate people just cohabiting without marriage or dating.

The divorce rate in the US is between 40 to 50% of marriages ending in divorce. And it has been declining in the last couple of decades, becoming less. Now, what is the breakup rate for dating? It is 85%. So you're criticizing Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's system and you want to present something that is twice as bad for humanity. The divorce rate is 40 to 50%, but the breakup rate for dating is 85%. And 70% of them end within the first year, whereas the US Census says that most marriages last an average of 8 years. So you're comparing 8 years to 1 year. You're comparing 40 to 50% to 85%.

And when people date, on average they will date seriously 7 to 8 different people before finally settling down. How many people do you know that have gotten married 8 times? Have you ever met someone in your life who got married 7 or 8 times? But people will regularly date and break up with 7 or 8 partners before they finally get married.

And as an interesting note, studies show that couples who attend religious services together drop their chances of divorce by 14%.

In America, people believe that if they want to get to know each other better, they should live together or cohabit. In 2023, the University of Denver came up with a study showing that people who cohabit before getting married — 34% of those relationships end up in divorce. They live together for a couple of years, then they get married, and there's a 34% chance of them getting a divorce. Whereas there is only a 23% chance of divorce if those people live together after engagement or after marriage.

Whatever you look at — the numbers, the statistics, the studies — will show that Allah's system is better, no doubt. The Institute for Family Studies showed that people who cohabit before getting married have a 39% increased chance of getting divorced — not a 34% chance, but a 39% increase above the average divorce rate, more than those who didn't cohabit. Focus on the Family has an article showing, by their estimation, a 50% higher chance of divorce for those who cohabit. And other studies show that those who live together before getting married have a lower level of marital satisfaction, lower level of dedication, lower level of confidence, and more negative communication in their relationships.

But you might think: we don't cohabit, we don't date — why are you sharing these statistics? We're sharing these statistics to give the Muslims confidence. Many times we buckle when people attack marriage and attack good values. Good values are always under attack and we don't know how to respond.

Studies also found that the higher number of previous cohabiting partners a person has, that is associated with a higher divorce rate. The more people you lived with before getting married, the more your chances of divorce increase. And out of fairness, a 2018 study found that the divorce rate within the first year of marriage was actually lower for those who cohabited. But the same study showed that the risk of divorce increased in the years after the first year.

Mind you, we're not even getting into other statistics — we could spend a whole lecture on how crime rates increase in areas of broken families or single parents. Or that a child born to a teenage mother is three times more likely to end up in jail, or to have a lower level of education and eventually a lower level of income. The statistics all of course point in the same direction. And one thing is for sure: no one will ever come up with a better system than the one that Allah put in place.

How to Know If You're Marrying the Right Person

The second thing we want to look at in this khutbah is: what are some of the ways that can help you figure out if you're marrying the right person or not? This is obviously more towards our single brothers and sisters. But one of the things that helps in that would be premarital counseling. And here are some of the common mistakes people make that we encounter.

1. Discussing Logistics Instead of Compatibility

The first is that they will discuss logistics, but they will not discuss other important issues. You'll meet couples that have been talking for a while and they discussed where the wedding will take place, how many of his family members will be invited, how many of her family members will be invited, whether she's going to work after marriage or not, the number of children they want, where they're going to live, where they will even vacation — but they never bothered to stop and see if they're compatible, if their personalities match, if they have matching levels of energy.

And sometimes they will tell you: we're both religious, we both have Islamic values — what's the problem? Zaynab bint Jahsh radiallahu anha was married to Zayd ibn Harithah radiallahu anhu. And they were both righteous — more religious than any of us. But it didn't work out. So it's not just on religiosity that a marriage will survive.

So after the wedding is over and you're sitting alone in the living room with this person — do your personalities match or not? You don't have to be a carbon copy of one another, but you also should not be polar opposites. You can have disagreements, but you shouldn't be polar opposites.

What's interesting is that many times in premarital counseling, or with couples that come in, what you liked about the other person becomes what you hate about the other person. A woman will come in — and these are true stories — and you'll ask her, "What do you like about him?" And she will say, "He's assertive. He takes the initiative." And three years later they come back into your office wanting a divorce. "What's the problem?" "He's very controlling." It's the same thing — she's now seeing it through a different lens.

And sometimes the energy level is absolutely mismatched. There was one couple — it was through Zoom — and the minute we got on, the girl was already smiling, her gums were showing, full of energy. And the guy was absolutely stone-faced, completely still. I would tell them a joke just to see their reaction. Before I finished the joke, the girl was already cracking up — and the guy was like the Sphinx. He doesn't move. Clear mismatch in energy levels.

So these are more important things than where we're going to live, where is the wedding, how big is it going to be. See if your personalities match — if you like each other in that way.

2. Be Clear and Be Real — Avoid "Engagement Talk"

The second thing is: be clear and be real. Avoid engagement talk. Engagement talk is when you say whatever the other person wants to hear. She thinks you're a sweet guy. And then you think: when we get married, I'll show her the real me. "Are you okay with me traveling with my friends when we get married?" "Yes, absolutely, not a problem." Then his plan is: when we get married I'll use the husband card. But be careful, because your husband card might become a joker — she doesn't take it seriously.

Sometimes people are so mismatched. Somebody strictly wants a stay-at-home wife and he's engaged to a medical student. You think she's going to study for 8 years and then stay at home? This is a clear mismatch. But it's amazing how people can't see these things when they're engaged.

So the most important thing: be clear with each other, and be very clear about where you draw the line — meaning your deal breakers. Things that you cannot tolerate or cannot live with. And I don't mean obvious things like leaving Islam. It could be anything — and don't let anyone ridicule where your line is. It's whatever matters to you.

There was one brother who was interested in marrying a sister and he told her: "If your feet show, I'll divorce you." And she clearly said: "That's a deal breaker for me." And they parted ways. And the point is not whether this is ridiculous or not — that's not the point. The point is if it matters to him and it's a deal breaker, that's what counts. And he needs to be very clear about that right from the beginning. So be very clear about your serious deal breakers and tell the other person. Don't wait until after you get married to bring it up.

3. If You Sense It Will Not Work, Do Not Go Through With It

One of the best pieces of advice we can give to engaged couples: if you sense that it will not work, don't go through with it. If you have the feeling this person is not compatible, we're not going to get along — or whatever familial problems are going to result — then do not go through with it.

You'll be surprised how many times we see cases where people knew full well that it's not going to work, and they still went ahead with it. Why would they do such a thing? One of the reasons: embarrassment. Her parents flew all the way from overseas to meet my parents. We already paid for the venue, we picked the dress, we bought the gold. But which is greater — cancelling the venue, or getting divorced after having three children?

So if you for any reason feel that you're not compatible, or you're quite certain that it's not going to work, just back off — no matter what has already been prepared.

What's the other reason people still go through with it even though they know it's not going to work? Fear of heartbreak. Young people love hard, so they're afraid of heartbreak. They can't imagine their life without the other person. In four years, the court will help you imagine your life without the other person.

Remember, we're talking about when you're certain that this is not the right person for you. Other times people will continue because they don't want to start over. And the truth is, we have made looking for a spouse a very humiliating process. So after being engaged for a year or two, now I have to go back and be humiliated and rejected again. Or it could be what people call the sunk cost fallacy — we invested so much time. "We've been speaking for three years." That's a blessing. It took you three years to realize that you're not right for each other — that's better than after three children.

So if you're certain the other person is not good for you, unless you have good reason to believe you can work through it and change — but a lot of times these are just delusions — go with your gut feeling.

4. From Their Conditions, You Shall Know Them

This next one I call: from their conditions you shall know them. Sometimes two people are getting married and the conditions from the bride — or the conditions written into the divorce clause — are essentially providing a comfortable and easy exit. If the exit is already planned out, how much are you going to be committed? And if you say, "In the case of divorce, I get the children, I get the house, and one million dollars" — how is she going to be fully committed to the relationship? And on the flip side, if the conditions are unreasonable, you might hear: "If you give me these conditions, I'll divorce you the night of our wedding."

The Stigma Around Divorce

The other problem, brothers and sisters, is that we have made divorce a very difficult and stigmatized process. We don't date, we don't cohabit. Two people get married — they don't know each other that well, just from a few times of speaking on the phone. So if it doesn't work, we should be easily able to separate and go our own ways. But the problem is: we separate, and people say, "He's divorced — there must be something wrong with him." "She's divorced — who wants to marry a divorced woman?" "She's divorced with a child — who's going to…" So we've made it complicated.

And the legal issue complicates it further. It costs on average seven to fifteen thousand dollars to get divorced legally. And on top of that, one spouse is trying to take all the other's wealth. As one of the mashayikh said: "If he died and was buried in the ground, you wouldn't take all his wealth — you would split it with his children and so on. So why are you going to take all his wealth while he's alive and breathing?"

All these things force people to stay in miserable relationships instead of moving on. And just as a disclaimer — we are not encouraging divorce in this khutbah. But we're saying it is sometimes the merciful alternative to a life of misery. And yes, situations can be fixed. You need a good counselor, but you need hard work. Wallahi, you need hard work more than anything else. But we're talking about those cases where it's a dead end — don't stay in it just for show or for appearances. Just leave. Allah made it halal and made it easy for you.

Du'a

With that, we ask Allah to put tranquility and peace in our homes, and to put affection and mercy between spouses, and to grant us better communication and better understanding, and to make us of those who see and hear the truth as clear truth and follow the best of it, and to make us of those who recognize falsehood as clear falsehood and abstain from it.

O Allah, don't make this world our greatest burden. And don't make our knowledge a greater burden than we can bear. And don't make our trials a greater burden than we can bear.

O Allah, lift up our brothers who are weak in Gaza. O Allah, remove their siege and relieve their distress and heal their afflictions and heal their sicknesses and heal their wounds and accept their martyrs. O Allah, be their helper and supporter. O Allah, grant the Ummah of Islam the right way, in which the people of Your obedience will be honored.