Jummah Khutbah: The Art of Listening

The Art of Listening

They're leaving Islam in many, many ways. We mentioned some of them — they leave it altogether, they change to a different religion probably, but many of them just don't want to associate themselves with faith and with religion.

In addition to that, doing counseling on many, many, subhanAllah, many different occasions for many, many people — with brothers and sisters, for young men and women today specifically — they're having a hard time maintaining a healthy relationship. It's just a hard time for them just to continue in a relationship that they would want life to flourish for the future. So they always come to somewhere where they think it's a dead end.

And that's why we have the rate of divorce that is very high. I was thinking about it, looking into it, subhanAllah — what could be the problem? What is a common thing that when children, when our youth, they come to their parents or their parents talk to them, they're having a hard time communicating and connecting with them? And what happens between a husband and wife when they try their best to manage this relationship, they still cannot connect with each other very well?

What is that? What's the problem here? I looked into that and I found that there was a very common word and statement that happens and is actually pronounced in all these sessions I've done with young men and women and also with the youth. The word is — they keep saying, "He or she, they don't listen to me." Like, whatever I say, they don't listen to me.

"Why aren't you listening to me?" And when we talk to each other, when we start talking, they say, "Do you hear yourself? Can you even hear yourself?" So this whole concept of "listening to me, you're not listening to me" — even though you've been talking for hours and hours and hours — it's strange, it's weird. I mean, if I'm talking to you and I'm engaging in a conversation with you and I'm also right now giving you the chance to talk to me, how come you accuse me of not listening to you?

That's when we come to the point we mentioned last time — that it's all about connectivity, it's all about connection. And that's where the art of listening comes in. In this khutbah, inshallah, we're going to tackle this issue. How can I establish this connection between me and my child? Between me and my spouse? How can I establish that connection so that at least when we talk, we listen to what they're saying and we hear and we understand?

We're going to talk a few minutes, inshallah, on this mas'alah — the subject of the art of listening to one another.

Listening Is a Religious Command

The first thing we should understand when it comes to the subject of listening — it's not just a matter of art, it's even a religious command, ya jama'ah. Allah orders us in the Qur'an, as part of understanding the Qur'an, to listen to it.

In Surah al-A'raf, Allah says:

"When the Qur'an is recited to you, fastami'u lahu — listen to it — wa ansitu — and pay attention." The scholars look in tafsir at the difference between istima' and insat.

Istima' has an alif, sin, ta at the beginning of that word. Any Arabic word that begins with alif, sin, ta means to solicit something, to request something. And here we have sama'a, which means hearing. So istima' means soliciting that hearing. Allah is ordering us that whenever you hear the Qur'an, you basically solicit that attention and that listening.

There's another word called sama'a in the Arabic language — sama'a is what you hear in the background, but you're not really paying attention to. Just like when you walk in the mall, or any place, and there's music in the background, you're minding your own business, you don't even pay attention to what is being played. That is called sama'a. You don't pay attention to the words at all.

But istima' is different. Istima' is when you hear something interesting and you pay attention to it, and you put all your energy there to listen to that.

A lot of what happens between parents and their children is sama'a. A lot of what happens between husband and wife is just sama'a. Like when they talk to you, you're only listening to it as background music — nothing to pay attention to, nothing to benefit from, nothing even to analyze.

The Prophet ﷺ and the Command to Listen First

SubhanAllah, even Rasulullah ﷺ — he was so eager to learn the Qur'an that when Jibreel would recite the Qur'an to the Prophet ﷺ, Rasulullah ﷺ would be reciting along with him. He wouldn't wait until Jibreel finished. So Allah sent to Rasulullah ﷺ the instruction to wait — don't talk, don't repeat while Jibreel is still reciting:

Allah instructed the Prophet ﷺ: "Do not move your tongue with it in haste. Then when it is recited, follow its recitation." And then Allah promised him that He will collect it in his heart and make it easy for him to memorize. So Rasulullah ﷺ was rushing to learn what is beneficial, which is the Qur'an, and Allah told him: just wait. Let Jibreel finish first, and then you recite after that.

SubhanAllah, a lot of us in our life, when we talk to people, it's only sama'a. Why is that? Because we're not paying attention to what they're saying. We're only preparing our self-defense response. Like — I want to give instructions.

And subhanAllah, the reason why I chose this topic is because I was working on a workshop that we'll be presenting inshallah in March for imams, public speakers, leaders, youth leaders — those who would like to learn the art of public speaking. And as I was preparing for it, subhanAllah, it just came to my mind — la ilaha illallah — there are so many workshops out there, so many books out there on the subject of public speaking. They train people how to stand, how to use hand gestures, how to talk, what kind of words to use, what topics to choose. But I haven't seen as many workshops on the art of listening.

Because part of you being a leader — and part of being the person in the household who leads the family, the father or the mother — part of it is that you need to learn how to communicate with your children. Just because you're older than them does not necessarily mean you have everything and you know everything. You never know where that wisdom is going to come from. So the beginning — to talk to your children, to talk to your spouse — starts with listening to them first. The art of listening is very crucial and very, very, very important.

The Prophet ﷺ Mastered the Art of Listening

With 'Utbah ibn Rabi'ah in Da'wah

You see, even Rasulullah ﷺ mastered this skill in his field of da'wah and even in his private life, in his household ﷺ. So when it comes to the da'wah in Mecca — when Utbah ibn Rabi'ah came to the Prophet ﷺ, Utbah went to negotiate with Rasulullah ﷺ what the people of Mecca had sent him with. He said, "Listen, Muhammad has been preaching this in Mecca and he's causing so much trouble for us — a lot of distraction, people leaving, confusion, this and that. Who amongst you is willing to go and negotiate with him?" So they gave him options: "Tell him — does he need money? We'll make him the richest person in our community. Does he need to get married? We'll give him the best of what we have." They were offering him so many things.

So he went to Rasulullah ﷺ saying, "Ya Muhammad, your community is complaining, your people, your elders are complaining about your da'wah, your message — it's causing division, confusion, and so on." He spoke to the Prophet ﷺ in an offensive way, bargaining with him about the Deen of Allah. You could easily interrupt this man and say, "I'm not interested." But there is Rasulullah ﷺ, with his hikmah and wisdom, just listening — and he kept listening to the man until he finished.

When the man himself finished speaking, that's when the Prophet ﷺ said to him:

"Are you done, Abu al-Walid?"

The man said, "Yes, I'm done." The Prophet ﷺ said:

"How about you listen to me right now?"

The man said, "Fair enough." And the Prophet ﷺ started from Surah Fussilat. And the man just leaned back and was mesmerized by the recitation of the Qur'an.

But here's the point. When Utbah was speaking, the Prophet ﷺ knew that it was complete nonsense — but he still listened to it. Many parents listen to their children, and the children are speaking nonsense to them — to the parents' standard, that's nonsense, that's just whining. So we easily interrupt to give instructions immediately. And that's when we lose the connection with our children.

Husband and wife will be talking to each other, and because "this doesn't make any sense to me, it's not appealing to me, I don't care, I don't like that stuff" — we're willing to interrupt immediately. We don't pay attention to the end, subhanAllah. And here is Rasulullah ﷺ, listening to Utbah ibn Rabi'ah speaking complete nonsense — and still listening to the end. And when he finished, the Prophet ﷺ said to him, "Are you done?" He said, "I'm done." And the Prophet ﷺ said, "Now, would you mind listening to me?"

The man was compelled to listen. Why? It was fair enough. And that is the point. If you listen to your child and allow them to speak, and once they're done, you let them know — "Are you done?" — and they say, "Yes, I'm done" — then you say, "So now can you listen to me?" And even if they interrupt you, you can still talk, because you've already given them the opportunity.

With 'A'ishah in the Household — The Story of Abu Zar and Umm Zar

Even in his household ﷺ — 'A'ishah, radiyallahu 'anha, she said: Rasulullah ﷺ one day she brought him a story — the story of Abu Zar and Umm Zar. It's a folklore story in the Arab tradition in which ten women gathered together, and each woman was describing her husband. So 'A'ishah, radiyallahu 'anha, was narrating the story to the Prophet ﷺ. Perhaps the Prophet ﷺ had heard that story maybe a generation before 'A'ishah had even been born. But she was still narrating the story, and he was listening to it.

For those who don't know the story, it's basically ten women describing their husbands — one saying he's bad, one saying he's violent, another saying he's very nice — each one giving a different category of relations, subhanAllah. And the Prophet ﷺ was listening to all of that. In the end she talked about Abu Zar and Umm Zar — how kind Abu Zar was to his wife, how beautiful their relationship was.

When she finished narrating the entire story to the Prophet ﷺ, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ gave her positive feedback, which means he was listening. He said:

"I will be to you like Abu Zar was to Umm Zar." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5189; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2448)

He chose the best of the ten. He was paying attention, he was listening to it. SubhanAllah — even in the household, the Prophet ﷺ was listening, even if it wasn't something of his particular interest.

I mean, why would a husband want to hear about all this? Besides — husbands know that if the wife starts talking about someone else's husband, they get defensive. "What do you mean? I'm not a good husband to you? What's wrong with me?" They feel offended immediately. And if she's talking about her friend or her cousin or her sister — they start becoming very defensive. And here is Rasulullah ﷺ — he wasn't defensive, he wasn't saying, "So what, you think Abu Zar is better than me?" He said, "I will be to you like Abu Zar was to Umm Zar" — meaning, the best of all what you mentioned. Giving positive feedback, subhanAllah. Now that is called emotional intelligence — understanding and responding with that which is the best.

What the Salaf Said About Listening

The scholars and the Salaf, rahimahullah, understood the meaning of the art of listening. They understood how powerful that is. Al-Hasan ibn 'Ali, radiyallahu 'anhu, instructed:

"If you sit down with the ignorant, just listen to them. And if you sit down with the scholars, listen to them as well." Now, I understand I should listen to the scholars because it's worth listening to them — but why would I need to listen to the ignorant? He said:

"Because listening to the ignorant makes you more patient." You appreciate the ni'mah of having knowledge, and it makes you appreciate what you have and teaches you to be patient with them. So if you have your little kids and children and you don't know what they're talking about — still show patience. Show rahmah and mercy to them and listen to them. Let them speak.

And also listening to them, subhanAllah, validates the concern that they have. You validate — you don't necessarily agree with them, but you validate the emotions they bring to you with the statements and stories and problems they're sharing with you in that moment. And listening to the ignorant also increases your knowledge. So both ways you are benefiting. Listening to someone who doesn't make any sense to you will increase your level of patience. And you need that — what better quality is there for interpersonal relationships than patience?

And 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, radiyallahu 'anhu, narrated that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

"No one has ever been given a gift more vast or more beneficial than patience." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1469; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1053)

Because if you have it, you will have everything. You'll be patient against everything that is negative, and patient towards everything that is positive. And that's how we need to survive — you're always patient.

In another statement, al-Hasan al-Basri, rahimahullah, said:

"My dear son, if you're going to sit down with the knowledgeable people, make sure to pay attention to listening more than speaking." You go to the scholars to listen, not to talk.

You know, I go to many different places giving a lot of talks, khutbas, lectures — and you will always see some people, whenever the speaker is speaking, someone is already preparing their answer. Or not just that — someone in the crowd always gives that instant feedback, sounding board, echoing what you're saying, as if saying, "Yeah, I know what you're talking about." And our scholars say: hadha laysa min al-adab — that's not the proper etiquette. Instead, you need to pay full attention to listening to everything, even as if you're hearing it for the first time in your life. If you've heard it ten times before, still when you hear it again, pay attention as if it's being said to you for the very first time.

The Etiquettes of Listening

So what are the etiquettes of listening? Some of the manners of listening:

First: An tuqbila 'ala al-mutahaddith bi wajhik — whenever you hear someone speaking to you, you turn around and face them directly. And that is what the Prophet ﷺ used to do. Rasulullah ﷺ — kana idha sa'alahu sa'il, aqbala 'alayhi bi wajhih — if someone asked the Prophet ﷺ a question, he would turn his entire body ﷺ to face that direction, which also means it requires eye contact. The Prophet ﷺ was giving his entirety ﷺ to listen to what they're saying — giving them full attention.

And of course, when the Prophet ﷺ was listening, he was also paying attention to them even for a later time. Like the man who interrupted the Prophet ﷺ while he was speaking and asked:

"When is the Day of Judgment going to be established?" With everything the Prophet ﷺ was talking about, he had no interest except for that one thing — "When is it going to come? Tell me. I need to know." Some of the Sahabah said he didn't hear him, and others say he did but he didn't respond because the question was irrelevant. So he paused and continued speaking. But subhanAllah, later on, when the Prophet ﷺ finished making his point, he turned to that direction and said:

"Where is the one who was asking about the Hour just now?" The man said, "That's me, O Messenger of Allah." And the Prophet ﷺ directed him to that which is beneficial. He said:

"What have you prepared for it?" (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3688; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2639)

It doesn't matter when it's going to be established — that's irrelevant to you. What's relevant is: what did you prepare for that day? So the Prophet ﷺ is telling us — when you listen, you listen to many things. But when you give feedback, you give people what they need, not necessarily what they want. That's exactly the art of listening and giving the right answer.

So when you answer, you also need to be intelligent in the way you respond to your child and your spouse. Maybe you don't like the question altogether. Maybe you don't like the argument altogether. But you're still going to need to respond, just like the Prophet ﷺ did with this man. He didn't like the question — it was completely unnecessary, completely irrelevant — but he still answered the man and gave him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to hear. He said, maadha a'dadta laha — what did you prepare for that day? And that is the most important thing a person should worry about.

Second: When it comes to the art of listening — when people talk to you, you don't distract yourself with anything. Today is the age of distraction, subhanAllah, known as the cell phone. When someone talks to you and you start losing interest, you start battling with yourself whether to reach for your phone. If the khutbah is going on and the imam is speaking, you find a lot of people, specifically in the back rows, holding their phones and browsing their social media feed and distracting themselves until the khutbah is over. And that is wrong.

So when someone talks to you — specifically your child or your spouse — and they come to you to talk because this is a valuable time for them, and for you too supposedly, you shouldn't be distracting yourself. And that's the meaning of the word insat:

Al-istima' requires from you to pay attention and to heed and learn. And insat means that you listen with your entire body — you don't distract yourself at all. So if someone speaks to you, the art to connect with them is in not distracting yourself with anything and listening to what they're saying so you can benefit from it — in two ways. If it was beneficial, you give them an answer that is beneficial to you and to them inshallah. And if it wasn't beneficial because they don't have a clue what they're talking about, you're benefiting by becoming more patient and increasing your reservoir of patience.

May Allah make us among those who listen to the speech and follow the best of it.

Second Khutbah: Winning Hearts, Not Arguments

الحمد لله رب العالمين، وصلى الله وسلم وبارك على نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم تسليماً كثيراً. أما بعد:

'Ibadallah, my dear brothers and sisters — one of the etiquettes the Prophet ﷺ mentioned in the course of having a conversation with anybody — he said ﷺ:

"I guarantee a house on the outskirts of Jannah for the one who leaves argumentation even if he or she was right." (Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 4800)

He ﷺ said: I guarantee a house in al-Jannah — and in another narration, the center of al-Jannah — for the person who leaves argumentation even if he or she was right. Even if you're right, don't argue. Let alone when you're wrong — if you're right, don't argue. Because when you argue, the benefit is gone. No one is really listening anymore because everybody is fighting for superiority. That happens between you and your child, between you and your spouse, between people around you.

So it's not about arguing. And once again we keep reminding ourselves — when it comes to dealing with people and discussing with them and listening to them — it's not about winning battles with them. It's about winning hearts. And that is all what the Prophet ﷺ did in his life and in his da'wah ﷺ. When he spoke to people, he didn't care about being offended or not. He was caring about winning their hearts, because that's what mattered the most. When their hearts are guided — subhanAllah — that's it. Their path will be righteous, their ways will be good. And who benefits from that? All of us, everybody. Because when someone is guided, that guidance goes all around — beneficial to the people who are close to them, to those far from them, and even, subhanAllah, to the environment — they will fear Allah in whatever they do.

So that is very crucial, very important for us. Make sure that when you talk to your children, when you talk to your spouse, when you listen to them — just listen to them in a way that is truly beneficial. Make sure that when they talk to you — it doesn't matter if this topic or this subject or this question is relevant to you or not — make sure that you listen to validate, and give them an answer that is beneficial inshallah.

'Ibadallah: