Jummah Khutbah - When your child turns into an atheist

When Your Child Turns Into an Atheist

Denying Allah — it's nothing new. We have to understand that. It happened way before, from the very beginning of the creation of man.

Allah mentioned many stories to us about these people who denied Allah. And it happened and will continue to happen in our life too. And by the way, it could happen to anybody.

Sometimes we have what we call a moment. You'll be in the masjid probably. You'll be making your salah and the shaitan is clever — he will come to you in that moment.

And in that moment you start wandering, and your thoughts — the trail of thoughts — they go somewhere, and they start wandering all the way to the dangerous zone. So what do we do about it?

The Whispering of Shaitan

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) says in the hadith that shaitan will come to one of you — شيطان يأتي أحدكم — shaitan comes to you. And then he starts telling you: مَنْ خَلَقَ كَذَا، مَنْ خَلَقَ كَذَا، مَنْ خَلَقَ كَذَا — who created this and who created that? Okay, what about this? Who created that? Until the shaitan comes to you to that moment and says: مَنْ خَلَقَ اللهَ — who created Allah?

In your mind you go from one to the other — it feels logical. But then you come to that moment, that question that no one can see an answer for, because it's way beyond our human intellect, beyond our human capacity. We can't imagine things without having a beginning to them. But Allah is not limited by time, by space, by anything.

But our mind cannot comprehend that easily. So it's easy for the shaitan to come and say, hold on a second — where did Allah come from? It's different when you have a young little kid come to you and ask where did Allah come from, and they're asking innocently. And then you have a mature person or even a teenager start wondering where this idea of God came from. For them it's so dangerous and very risky if they continue without any proper guidance.

To put things in perspective — sometimes even the ulama go into that moment, subhanAllah. The ulama might go into that moment. Like Imam al-Ghazali (rahmatullahi ta'ala alayhi) — in his biography, he went through phases in his life. The mas'alah of at-ta'leel — ratiocination, understanding the purpose and the illah of everything — it's very very disturbing sometimes, subhanAllah. But Allah protects people and guides them back again to the field of khayr and ni'mah, guidance.

Even the Companions Were Tested

The Sahabah (radiallahu ta'ala anhum) were tested, and that's part of the test — to stay firm on your belief. Allah described the Sahabah (radiallahu ta'ala anhum) when they were with the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) during the time of al-Khandaq and other battles. Allah describes how they started having doubts about Allah when the enemy came from above and from underneath. When they couldn't see anymore — they blanked completely, so terrified — and their hearts went up to their throats. That is the moment when people become vulnerable. And Allah says that after that, they started having doubts about the promises Allah had given them.

It's natural — sometimes we have those moments of weakness and our minds start wandering in that direction. I don't want you to feel guilty that you have that thought, but I want you to be strong to confront this thought, to deal with it, and to return back to Allah in the proper way.

Why Do People Leave Islam and Leave Faith Altogether?

Why do our kids, our young ones, start having these issues? Let me go through the main reasons.

Reason One: The Illusion of Control Over the Dunya

The first thing that causes people to leave belief in Allah — for many, many people, specifically adults primarily — is when they think that they have control over their own dunya. When they take control of the dunya, they see they're in charge of it and they don't need any superpower to lead anything for them.

Fir'aun was an example. When Fir'aun called upon the people of Egypt, he said: "Don't I own the sovereignty of Egypt?" At the time, Egypt was the wonder of the world — everything that people could imagine and think of as a great civilization. He said, "Don't I own everything? And these rivers are flowing underneath my feet" — the Nile and all the canals they created for agriculture. He told them, "Don't you see?" He was bringing them back to the tangible world. "I have control over this." And then he started talking about Musa (alayhis salaam):

"Am I not better than this one who can't even speak well, who can't even express himself well?" He was talking about Musa (alayhis salaam). So Allah is showing us that Fir'aun became so arrogant because he thought he had control of the dunya.

And subhanAllah, if we look at many, many atheists and those who leave Islam and leave the deen altogether — what is it exactly they're looking for? They're looking to grasp and take control of their personal lives. "I don't want anyone to tell me what to do or what not to do." And it usually happens when people deceive themselves into thinking they do have control over many things. They have the money, the wealth — they're smart, they're intelligent — and they think putting any restriction, whether theological or otherwise, is control of the mind. "I don't need that." So they quit.

Today many of our younger ones are exercising much more freedom in that sense — less and less control over their thought process. Access to the prosperity of this life and the pleasures of the dunya. "I don't have to worry about any punishment." So they want to exercise that. And that's why when they say they're denying Allah — believing in Allah would put restrictions on them. That's an example of this.

Reason Two: Emotional Experience

The second reason — and this is the most common thing I've seen from young ones these days — is emotional experience.

When they see something going on — whether personal or outside of their world — and they cannot reconcile the evil of that event with the mercy and compassion that Allah speaks about in the Quran about Himself, they can't reconcile these two things. They start saying things like "God is not fair." "Why is all of this happening to innocent people?" They can't reconcile these two things. And eventually, when they're so distracted and so exhausted from trying to reconcile them, they start looking for mental justification. And when they don't have proper understanding and guidance, they start thinking: "There's definitely no God." Especially in a vulnerable moment — in a vulnerable moment they will believe anything that makes them feel better.

Here's the thing: as believers, as Muslims — even though we see things around us and ask why these things happen to innocent people, why these atrocities are happening in the Middle East, what did I do wrong, I've been righteous, I've sacrificed my life — they suddenly reach a low emotional moment that justifies for them leaving. Or parents who think that Allah owes them something because they've produced huffaz, for example, and that Allah should guard their children from leaving the deen. There's no guarantee. It's a battle. And you're going to have to continue trying your best until you meet your Lord.

We believe as Muslims that there's no such thing as absolute evil. Even what you see with your own eyes and perceive to be evil — how could this happen when Allah is there? There is a hikmah behind it. There must be wisdom. I might see it, I might not see it. Maybe it's obvious to other people, so I need to go explore and ask. But when young minds are left on their own trying to figure out these things, they get lost. And the easiest way for them is to just run away and escape — to completely shut it all down altogether.

Reason Three: Lack of Proper Spiritual Knowledge

Why do they fall for this? Because of the lack of proper knowledge — and by that I mean spiritual experience.

A lot of us Muslims alhamdulillah, we want our kids to be Muslims. We've sent them to Islamic schools, Sunday schools, after-school programs. You name it. But what our children mostly learn from these venues is just information — academics. They memorize, they read, they learn stories. It becomes more like a chore for them. And as a result, it doesn't have that spiritual impact that it's supposed to leave on them.

The way we produce and introduce spiritual experience to our children is lacking — lacking the impact that it should have on their lives. And for that reason, when our children are faced with a moment like this, they don't have that spiritual certainty. That spiritual certainty where you say: that's wrong — I know it's wrong. For them, salah is a chore. As a matter of fact, when we try to make our children pray — which is supposed to bring them closer to Allah — we push them in a way that sends them far away from Allah. When you want your children to have a connection with the Quran — which is the words of guidance from Allah — you do it in a way that makes them hate even listening to the words of Allah.

Unfortunately, many, many of us do things in the wrong way. So our kids get conditioned — what is supposed to be a source of guidance becomes a source of agony for them. And as a result: "If this is how we become spiritual, how we become religious — I don't want that anymore." So they quit. We're not bringing them the deen of Allah with compassion. We make it a chore. We make it in a way that is not something they will personally, spiritually enjoy.

So proper knowledge is important — and I repeat the word proper knowledge. Not just giving them information, but truly giving them what is really going to benefit them as they move forward in their lives inshallah.

Reason Four: Guilt-Tripping

The last reason is the guilt feeling — the guilt-tripping. Some parents use emotional techniques on their children. There's a lot of guilt-tripping about practicing the deen — wearing the hijab, making salah, and so on. And these kids grow up with a lot of guilt occupying their mind and their heart, to the extent that they can't take it anymore. They want to break loose. Because they don't want to feel guilty, they don't want to believe in the source that brings them guilt anymore.

So let's stop throwing shame grenades at our children every time they make a mistake. Let's not keep guilt-tripping them for everything they do wrong, even in the process of trying to learn the deen of Allah.

This happens usually because parents put so much pressure on their children — so many expectations. And as a result, these kids never see themselves meeting their parents' expectations. Their parents are never happy and accepting. So they quit trying. And as they grow older, they become empty — conditioned with negative experience — to the extent that they say: "I don't want this anymore." And they quit.

What Do We Do? How Do We Help Them?

We need, as much as possible, to provide our children with that certainty they're lacking — the spiritual certainty. How is that?

There is a certainty of knowledge that Allah spoke about in Surah at-Takathur. He says that you have been distracted from this because of working for the dunya — you don't even visit the graves. But when you visit the graves, that's when you wake up. "You shall know." You shall have the certainty of knowledge:

We need to give that certainty of knowledge. A lot of what we give to our children is just information. We don't really engage our children in discussion over what they learn — we just want them to memorize and pass. That's it. "I've done my part." But there is no real involvement in connecting what they're learning about the religion of Allah with real life.

Then there is the certainty of sight. We're not connecting what they're learning with what they see. As a parent, you're supposed to be the one — when you know your kids are dealing with some feeling of pain, they lost a friend, their friends had some issues, or they watched the news — you bring a conversation with them to bring them back to the right understanding of these events. Otherwise they start making assumptions, and those assumptions could be wrong.

And then we have the certainty of experience. I need to always put my children in the right context — the right experience. So when Islam is the deen of mercy and compassion, go and experience that with them. Take them to a shelter. Let them volunteer there. Help the needy. Let them experience what it means to be a Muslim.

Being a Muslim Was Once Something to Be Proud Of

One last thing I want to share about why many of our kids leave Islam: there was a time when being a Muslim was something to be proud of. It meant you were trustworthy, honest, innocent, a person of your word. People saw being a Muslim as something special. We had those moments — even in this country — when people knew you were Muslim and they would say: "Oh yeah, okay, I trust you."

I've seen that multiple times — in stores, when people knew that I was Muslim, they would say: "Fine, I know you'll bring it back." One time I didn't have my wallet with me. SubhanAllah — I'm at the cashier and he looks at me and says: "You bring me the money back later." It's not even his business; he just works there. He says, "You're Muslim, right?" I said, "Yeah." He says, "I know you'll come back." SubhanAllah. Unbelievable.

But that is the thing we should keep in our minds. Once, being a Muslim was actually something to be proud of. Today, what our kids see around them puts them under pressure. It's no longer something to be proud of to be a Muslim today. Even Muslim countries — as we see in the Middle East — they're renouncing their Muslim heritage. It's too much of a burden on them. They want to get away from it. SubhanAllah. So if these are people trying to get away from Islam, who am I to resist? Our kids — very young and not yet developed in their decision-making — they fall for this. May Allah protect them.

Practical Suggestions for Parents

As we can see, there are many reasons that cause our children and our youth to wander and question Islam. It's our duty as parents and as communities to help and provide the best service we can. Our responsibility is to create the environment for them — and who gives guidance? Allah. May Allah guide our hearts and the hearts of our children and bring them closer to Him.

Here are some proposals and suggestions — they are not miracles that will individually solve every situation, and some cases are very hard subhanAllah, but we have to try.

1. Understand Your Child's Emotional Pain

As a parent, don't dismiss their feelings. When your kids come to you with an emotional burden, a lot of parents — because they're distracted, not ready, their minds are somewhere else — dismiss their children's pain and their questions. Please don't dismiss these questions and this pain when they come and express it to you. It's very important that you provide an answer. If you can't, at least provide them with safety. Let them feel safe to ask these questions. Let them feel safe to wonder about these issues so you can help them by providing a venue where they can find the right answers inshallah.

2. Empathize with Your Child

When they come to you, just let them grieve sometimes. It's okay to feel that way. But if you start making them feel guilty for even feeling or thinking that way, that becomes problematic for them.

3. Be Realistic About Expectations

Allow them to make mistakes. Kids will make mistakes — whether it's a mistake reading the Quran, missing salah, or doing something you're not so proud of as a parent. But they're human beings. Let them know that mistakes happen, but what they need to learn from you is that when they make a mistake, they fix it. That's what makes them grow. To fix what they've done wrong. Obviously I do my best to create the right environment for my children, but if something happens I am still accepting and understanding. Be forgiving and love your children.

4. Take Them on a Spiritual Journey — Slowly and Gradually

From a very young age, connect them with nature. Why? If you read the Quran, there are many, many ayat where Allah is asking and ordering us to take journeys on earth — go and explore, see the mountains, see the valleys, watch the rivers, the sky, the stars, the day and the night. Why? Because when you keep watching and seeing the magnificent creation of Allah, you realize this cannot be a coincidence. It can't happen by accident. It gives them a deep understanding that this sophisticated system must have a maker — Allah.

We live in suburbs, in cities, in houses. We can't even see the sunset and the sunrise and the change of weather unless we watch the news or open the TV or look at our phones — subhanAllah. We've lost connection with the creation of Allah. Bring them back and reconnect with Allah's creation.

5. Help Them Volunteer and Be Compassionate

Take them somewhere where they start feeling compassionate. Let them explore that, because it's a good feeling. And let them know: "This is because alhamdulillah, this is my religious duty — my human and religious duty to help other people." Be compassionate so that they know that being a Muslim means being a great human being. Not just being Muslim for Muslims only — no. It's being compassionate because you're being a great human being. Revive that fitra in their hearts.

6. Reconnect Them with the Quran

Always bring them back to their fitra and to their heart. And at some point you may also need to send them to professional counseling.

The last advice I would like to share: wallahi, the Quran — the Book of Allah — as Allah says about it, has shifa, has healing. Healing for the minds and the hearts. As you drive around with your children, every now and then put something beautiful for them to listen to — not that you force it on them, but as you drive around and they listen to the Quran, it just brings peace. And every now and then remind them: "Hey, why don't you listen to the Quran a little bit before you go to sleep?"

So slowly and gradually, I hope that Allah will revive that fitra in their hearts and that guidance will return again into those young and fragile hearts.

Du'a

May Allah guide our children. May Allah guide their hearts to Him. May Allah make us among those who listen to the speech and follow the best of it. May Allah guard this community, this assembly, and this gathering from the fitna — the fitna in this dunya and the fitna in the akhira — and may Allah bring us together in His mercy.