Jumu'ah Khutbah

Understanding Teenagers: Biology, Faith, and Guidance in Islam

Brothers and sisters in Islam, the purpose of our khutbah today is to help us understand teenagers better. And for the teens, it's to help them to better understand themselves.

The Biology of Adolescence

We begin with when they start to mature — their body starts to release hormones. For males it's testosterone, and for females it's estrogen and progesterone. But these hormones, they have an effect on their thinking and on their behavior as well.

So these increased hormones — the first thing is they make them seek out emotionally charged experiences. And that's why you see teens engage in risky behavior, whether it's speeding, and for the non-Muslims, drinking and driving. And you probably now see videos because they video themselves, and they're attempting things that are extremely dangerous and extremely irrational. But that's due to these hormones for the most part.

And then it makes their responses to emotionally loaded sounds and images more intense. And that's why when youth get into something, they get into it all the way. If they love sports, they love it all the way. If they believe in something, they believe it with their entirety.

The Youth Among the Early Muslims

And that's why the scholars used to mention — if you look at the earliest Muslims, you'll find that the majority of them were youth. And the scholars mentioned one of the benefits behind that is that when youth believe in something, they will do anything for it.

If you look at Abu Bakr, on the first day he became Muslim, he brought six people to Islam. On his first day. And on his second day, he brought another four people. But if you look at the six people that he brought on the first day — interestingly, five of them are from the ten given glad tidings of Paradise, on day one.

We have al-Zubayr ibn al-'Awwam — Abu Bakr brought him to Islam. Talha ibn 'Ubaydillah. Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas. 'Uthman ibn 'Affan. 'Abd al-Rahman ibn 'Awf.

Al-Zubayr ibn al-'Awwam, he was 15. Which means that when Abu Bakr went to call people to Islam, he didn't say, "Oh, this is just a little kid" — as we say today, we call them kids. But he saw a capable young man. So al-Zubayr ibn al-'Awwam was 15. Talha ibn 'Ubaydillah was 16 years old. Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas was 17. And of the older of the bunch — 'Uthman ibn 'Affan was 28, and 'Abd al-Rahman ibn 'Awf was 30. These are the older two.

And you keep exploring and looking at the companions that are heroes and you will see that they were 16 and 17 and 18 and 14 and 12 when they were given da'wah, and they were invited to Islam and they became Muslim. Ali ibn Abi Talib was 10. Zaynab, the daughter of the Prophet ﷺ, was 10. You see a lot of young people.

And the scholars say part of the wisdom behind that — one is that the youth, they haven't been in disbelief and idol worship for the last six decades, just a few years of their life, so it wasn't totally ingrained into them. But the other thing is if they believe that something is the truth, they give it their all. And that is part of the nature of teens. And that's why maybe your child is so into soccer to a degree that is mind-blowing to you, or just frustrating to you, or they'll be into something else all the way and it completely encompasses them and they're completely engrossed in it.

The Prefrontal Cortex and Decision-Making

So now we have a part of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex, and that is in charge of — or it helps you with — thoughts concerning planning ahead, risk assessment, and controlling impulses.

So the bad news, I guess, would be that this part of the brain — the prefrontal cortex — only completely matures when you reach the age of 25. So until the age of 25, they're not that good at risk assessment, they're not that good at planning ahead, and they're not that good at controlling their impulses.

And to make matters worse, there are other things that are stacked against them. And the purpose of mentioning this material is not to tell the teenager, "You're doomed and there's no hope for you." The purpose is to say: be aware of what you have to fight against. You have to do extra work, and you have to be aware of your shortcomings. And how we fill and make up for these shortcomings — we'll look at that in a minute.

But there are many other things working against them that they have to resist. There is a hormone called allopregnanolone, and this is released when in a stressful situation. For adults and young kids, it calms them down. But for teenagers, it causes more agitation and anxiety. And that partially explains the angry teens — the teens who dislike their family, and dislike their siblings, and dislike their life and all these other things.

And on top of that — for lack of a better term — it could still get worse. So since the prefrontal cortex is still not complete, what do they use to make those necessary decisions? They use a part of the brain known as the amygdala. And the issue with that is the amygdala is responsible for emotions, aggression, loss, and instinctive behavior.

The Wisdom Behind Obeying Parents

So after mentioning all this, we should now clearly understand why Allah stressed listening to your parents so much and obeying your parents so much. It's like saying: you don't have the faculties, the complete faculties, or the complete capacity to make your decisions and to chart out your life — and therefore you need to take it from those who have completely matured and who have experienced all this. But if you don't listen to them, there will be no value in that, and there will be no guidance that you will take from them.

And that's why there is so much stress in the Qur'an on obeying parents and listening to parents. As we all know, Allah will mention it right after mentioning the number one sin, which is shirk — or Allah will mention what we were all created for, to worship Allah alone:

And how many verses like this are in the Qur'an — "Worship Allah alone, do not associate anything in worship with Him, and obey your parents, and be good to your parents, and be obedient to your parents." So that's part of that wisdom — because it's telling you: you are not capable, and if you were left on your own it would be problematic. So therefore listen and obey those who are in charge and responsible for you, and who are mature in ways that you are not.

Do We Really Know Ourselves?

There was a very interesting study by one of the universities. They asked teenagers how well they know themselves, and they said rate or rank it from a scale of 1 to 10. So most teenagers said 8 or 9 — "I know myself as an 8 or a 9, that's how well I know myself." Then they interviewed people who are in their 40s and said, "How well do you know yourself?" They said also 8 or 9. Most people said 8 or 9.

Then they asked them: "Now that you're older, how well do you think you knew yourself when you were a teenager?" And all of them hovered around the numbers 5 and 6. And then to make it more interesting, they interviewed people who were in their 70s and said, "How well did you know yourself when you were 40?" They said 5 or 6. "And how well did you know yourself when you were a teenager?" They said 2 or 3.

These were the numbers that were chosen. And wallahi, what it does is it humbles us. We understand that we're always learning, we're always changing, we're always evolving, and we're changing viewpoints and changing opinions. You find even scholars of Islam — they get older, they'll change their opinions about issues. One of the scholars said: "If I stick to the exact same opinions I had when I was in my 20s, it means I haven't matured at all."

And many people — many of us — we get very angry when the shaykh used to say halal, and then after 30 years he says haram. We get very upset and people start to accuse them of working for the sultan and all kinds of things. But no — the person matured, the man changed. And if you remain upon the same thing as when you were 20, that means you didn't go anywhere, you're in the same place. So change is natural and it's actually good — meaning in many areas. We're not talking about where you compromise or challenge your religion, but change where your thoughts evolve — that is acceptable.

The Reward for Obedient Youth

So we see now why there is so much commanded — to obey their parents. Take their guidance. And now we understand why Allah and the Prophet ﷺ in the hadith will mention great rewards for obedient teens — or obedient youth.

As we know of the hadith of the seven types of people that will be under the shade of the throne of Allah on the day when there is no shade except that which is provided by Allah — and amongst them the Prophet ﷺ mentioned a young man, and of course it means also a young woman, who grew up in the obedience of Allah, in the worship of Allah.

Why is that so great? Why are they put with people who resisted much stronger things? Because now we understand that when a young man chooses obedience to Allah and worship of Allah — that means they fought all these other things. They fought against all their instincts and their hormones, and they fought against the other hormones that give them more anxiety, and even though they were not yet fully mature, they made a mature decision. They made the right decision. So that's why they're in such a great place.

And then we also understand another wisdom behind why the Prophet ﷺ said in this hadith, mentioned by Abu Dawud, Imam Ahmad, and Sunan al-Tirmidhi:

"He is not from amongst us who does not have mercy on the young ones and does not respect those who are older." (Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 4943; Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1919; Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 7085)

Because at the end of the day, it's not just the parents that form and shape and guide the lives of the youth — but it's also their teachers, it's also their neighbors. Whoever the elderly are, they all are part of guiding them and steering them and changing them.

And that's why when we understand these things, it goes back to that idea of what they call the self-made man or the self-made woman. There has never been, in the history of humanity, a self-made anything. There's nobody that never received any kind of help or guidance — or it was this event in your life that put you in this path or put you in this direction. Everyone is indebted to other people around them, whether they're aware of it, whether it was direct or indirect.

So if that's the case, that makes us open to the idea of receiving advice, of changing our viewpoints and our opinions. We don't know it all. And you find youth today — they watch a two-minute video on YouTube and they think they know everything. Teachers complain of how the youth will tell them, "I don't agree with that." Too soon. Too soon for you to disagree. You didn't look at the perspectives, you didn't look at other viewpoints. Way too soon for you to start claiming how you agree or disagree.

The Problem of Online Influence and Social Behavior

But many of the problems — not just the hormones and everything else — you see this aggression amongst teens, you see that they're very mean to each other in school. There's teasing, there's bullying in the masajid, wherever they are. That has become the default nature of how they behave. Everyone is mean. What they call "roasting" one another — saying nasty things to one another, making fun of each other — and they don't care about the feelings of others.

And part of that, of course — studies also mention that they spend one third of their day online: social media, this and that — with people who are, for all intents and purposes, blind. And it can't be that the person who is guided and knows about the hellfire and believes in Allah and His Messenger is going to take guidance from someone who is blind and has no idea about that. If someone were physically blind and you could see, would you say, "Let me take your hand, guide me"? Or would you be the one guiding them?

But when it comes to masculinity — look no further than the best man. And what a shame — we have such an excellent role model, and then people look up to those who are acting arrogant and using profanity and talking about relationships. This is where they are getting their wisdom from. And they bypass the greatest man, who was physically strong and was also very gentle and had a generous, kind heart and a soft heart — because that's what a male is.

True Masculinity: The Example of 'Umar

But now they're taught that the male is stoic, he's aggressive, he doesn't show feelings, doesn't talk about his feelings, doesn't cry. We look at 'Umar, and 'Umar radiallahu anhu was a strong man. And we believe things about him that are not even accurate — we believe that he was ready to chop heads off at any time. All these are narrations that the scholars refer to as strange and weak narrations. But nonetheless, we use them to shape this crazy idea of 'Umar radiallahu anhu.

But 'Umar radiallahu anhu — when he came after the Battle of Badr, he found the Prophet ﷺ, this is the next day, he found the Prophet ﷺ and Abu Bakr crying and he doesn't know what's going on. But look at his statement: "If it concerns me, I will cry as well — if I'm included, I'm gonna cry as well. And if it doesn't concern me —"

"— I'll cry because you're crying." This level of empathy from a person that you think is a wild man — that he's willing to cry because his two dear friends are crying. And that's when you look at it carefully — that's how the man, how the male, and how masculinity is presented in Islam. It's perfectly balanced — not to one extreme and not the other extreme either.

And historically the West always jumps from one extreme to the other, they always go past the middle. So masculinity — "the male doesn't show emotions, doesn't talk about his feelings, doesn't cry, and doesn't say 'I love you' to his best friend." All these things that made him a rock. And now we're seeing they're not coming to the middle. There is a male and there is a female, and that was not made because you gave the boy trucks and you gave the girl dolls. Anyone who says anything like this has never had a child and doesn't understand anything about children or life, because it's not true. But we have the balanced middle.

Second Khutbah: The Day of Regret

Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds, and peace and blessings be upon His trustworthy messenger and upon his family and companions.

For our teens and for our parents — to explain to them that one of the descriptions Allah described of the Day of Judgment: you see in the Qur'an and the hadith many different names and many descriptions of the Day of Judgment. And from those descriptions, Allah called it the Day of Regret — the Day of Hasra, the Day of Nadama.

And that's like being given a cheat sheet to a test that's coming up. When we're alive now and we know that the majority of humanity will be regretting their decisions — regretting how they wasted their life — if you know this information, that would tell you: let me prepare, and let me make sure I'm not regretful on that day.

So it's so important to understand. And we are a people — in the akhirah, everything is difficult; every loss is forever. Because in your mind there's no next life. People get fired, they go and commit suicide or hurt themselves, because it's just one life. But we're believers and we understand and we know for certain that there's going to be a resurrection, people will be held accountable for their deeds.

Because in class they're bullying each other, they're saying words that are hurtful — and don't think Muslim kids don't have racism and all that. It is a disaster. So all this exists. But they need to understand — we need to make them aware that there is a next life, and everything you do in this world of disobedience to Allah will be a source of tremendous regret on that day.

Weight With Allah on the Day of Judgment

In this hadith, narrated by Muslim: a man will come on the Day of Judgment and he is huge and he is fat and a big man, and he will not equal the weight of a mosquito's wing with Allah. He will not equal the weight of a mosquito's wing.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 4729; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2785)

So they're looking up to people who may not equal the weight of a mosquito's wing with Allah. No matter what — they look up to athletes, they look up to people who have muscles and six-pack abs. That's the end of your life. A person with his followers, with his fancy cars, with whatever we think is great here — he will not equal the weight of a mosquito with Allah.

You want to have weight? Have weight with Allah. Wealth isn't weight. Followers — that's not weight. Popularity, fame and fortune is not weight. You want to have weight with Allah? Have a connection with Allah.

The Disease of Arrogance

When someone is arrogant, people start to look up to them or start to think something great of them — it's a bad sign. And it's a sign of someone who has low self-esteem, low self-worth. Because when you have high self-worth or high self-esteem, you don't appreciate people who speak to you in a condescending manner or who act arrogant as if they're better than you.

One of the scholars made this comment — he says, Fir'awn — Allah described:

"He belittled his people, so they obeyed him." That means they had low self-esteem. So when he treated them like this, they thought he must be great and they started to obey him. And then he said on the flip side, the companions had high self-esteem and they wouldn't sit with someone who belittles them or speaks to them in a condescending manner. Because Allah said:

The companions — if you were harsh and hard-hearted with them, they would scatter from around you. Not like the people of Fir'awn — you're rude to them and they obey you. They would have left, because they had high self-worth and high self-esteem.

The Punishment of the Arrogant on the Day of Judgment

The arrogant people — Allah on the Day of Judgment gives them the reverse punishment. As the Nabi ﷺ said:

"Those who are arrogant will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment the size of ants, in human form, and humiliation will encompass them from every direction." (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2492)

They'll be the size of ants — in human form, they'll have the form of a human being, but they'll be the size of an ant. So imagine what a normal human being looks like if you're the size of an ant. You're invisible. And they're scared that if you just shift your legs, they think they're going to be trampled. They can't scream loud enough for you to hear. That's their punishment — the exact opposite of the behavior in this dunya.

Abasement, humiliation, degradation — it's coming at them from every angle. The exact opposite of how they used to behave. People who behave with humility in the akhirah — they don't act like that, they don't act arrogant on earth.

The Wisdom of Luqman

One of the interesting things in Surah Luqman — Luqman, the wise man, when he was advising his son, he told him:

Al-sa'ar is a disease that afflicts camels and it turns their neck permanently to the side — so their face is turned to the side and their neck is turned. And that's exactly how arrogant people walk. True or false? When you see an arrogant person, he turns his face to the side and his chest is out. These lessons are 1,400 years old for us.

Closing: Guiding Our Youth

And the people who have eyes are now following the blind. People use a world that is not real — the online world — to shape and form the world that is real. And that's why our youth are in need of guidance from their parents. They're in need of guidance from their teachers. Remind them to listen to their teachers and to listen to their elders and to be at their best behavior — because their reputation, their past, that's who they become.

With that, we ask Allah to make us of those who hear the truth as clear truth and follow the best of it, and to make us of those who recognize falsehood as clear falsehood and abstain from it.