Marriage

In marriage, there is so many things to be... this concept is a big concept to be addressed. But Allah told us that this marriage became the sunnah, the way of the best of His servants, which is the prophets and messengers.

We have sent before you, O Muhammad, many messengers, they had spouses, they had wives, and they had children.

And that's also the way of Muhammad. That's why he said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

I am married, man, and I'm married, and whoever leave my way, leave my sunnah, does not belong to me. I'm saying this because this notion of, Oh, I don't want to get married. This notion of, Oh, I'm not going to be married. I'm not going to get married. You know, it's something fundamentally go against the way Allah created us and also our religion.

That's why Umar said:

(Source: Islamic tradition)

He said, if somebody capable, have all the means to get married, find the means and everything to get married, the right person to get married, but they choose not to do, that shows that this person either had a problem or he is fulfilling his desires in a haram way, in the wrong way.

Especially in a life that we have today, a lifestyle that we have today, which is sexualization is something that is so hyper-sexualized over everything. And that can have two different reactions. Either the people will be so into sexuality or the people will turn off by it. It can be also get the opposite impact. In any case, Allah also praise the good people of His servant.

Among the du'a, the supplication of the believers, Ya Rabb, bless us with wife, bless us with a spouse, bless us with a husband, and children will be cool to our eyes.

And also Allah give that order:

Marry from the women and young or older, unmarried, marry those who are unmarried, and also married from the righteous among your women and among your men. And even if they are poor, Allah will provide for them. A woman came to the Prophet with her father.

And her father was upset. He said, Ya Rasulallah, he said, my daughter, this daughter of mine, is giving me a hard time. Then the Prophet said, why are you giving your father a hard time? She said, he said, the man didn't even wait. He said, Ya Rasulallah, I brought her so many proposals. And she keeps saying no, no, no to them.

(Sunan Ibnu Majah)

Why don't you listen to your father? Then she said, well, Ya Rasulallah, I will not marry anyone unless I know exactly what I'm going into. I need to know about marriage. I need to know my rights and his rights and how that will work. I need to be aware of it before I get into this relationship.

She's very smart. Because they say, the last decision you make by yourself is the decision of getting married. After that, everything is joint decision mainly. So she wanted to know. Then the Prophet explained to her. Then he said to her, listen to your father.

But listen to your father doesn't mean whatever he says, it has to be correct. He said to him:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Sunan Abu Dawud)

And do not marry her without her consent. Without her consent. Or without her approval.

He said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5193 and Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1400)

In Bukhari and Muslim, the Prophet said, young men and women, whoever can get married, be married or get married. And that's an order from the Prophet to people.

That's why I always advise every parents here. Always tell your children, if they reach the right age, if they understand the concept of marriage, prepare them for that. And help them if they ever want to get married.

Also, Nabi said, marry. And he said, I'll be proud and boosting of you in the Day of Judgment by the large number of you in the Day of Judgment.

(Sunan An-Nasa'i, Sunan Ibn Majah)

Also, Nabi said:

(Sunan At-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895)

He repeated this statement three times. He said, if someone who are you pleased with their deen, with their religion and their character, with their character, marry them. If you don't do so, there will be a great deal of corruptions in earth. And we see how, a great deal of corruption in earth today and we can't see that link to somehow or to certain degree to the declining of rates of marriage in our society today.

The rate of marriage is ridiculously low and getting lower not only in our community here in America but around the world. And the more people stay away from marriage, the way they're gonna look to fulfill their desires and other ways in a haram way. Or you will have all these weird type of marriages that we hear about.

A marriage with a distance relation. A marriage with a temporary relation. A marriage only for the summer. A marriage for travel. And all this kind of concept that just a loophole and you know, a way to justify for themselves adultery. Here some points that I want to raise attention to it because a lot of people, Alhamdulillah, get into marriage during the summer.

Especially if you have children about to get the age of getting married. I want you to remember these issues. Because they are very common misconceptions about relationships when it comes to marriage.

Common Misconceptions About Marriage

Misconception #1: Religion Should Be The Only Consideration

Number one, people when they look at the hadith of Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090)

People marry woman for four reasons. He mentioned among them, her beauty and her wealth her lineage, her status social status and her deen basically her righteousness how good she is religiously. Then he said, so care for the one with that religion the most.

Some people read this hadith and this hadith apply to the man too. So a man will be married because how handsome he is, how wealthy he is, how much money he makes or his status in society or how religious he is. Then Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam also recommend that religion should be the most important point.

This hadith, some people have misconceptions about this hadith thinking that the other points are dismissed. And the only point that you should take in consideration is the religion. That's not what this hadith saying. This hadith saying that the final decision should be made based on the religion. So for example, you might like someone how they look like. But if they don't have religion, you know what no.

Somebody might very good wealthy, have a good income, good career he makes so much money she makes so much money. But you know what someone who have no regards for religion, no thank you. So here we say that no matter what quality the person has, the religion is the final thing. No matter how handsome he is. But no religion, no thank you. So that's what the hadith is basically putting the emphasis on.

And from this hadith the scholars said, when someone proposed a woman, don't ask about religion first. Interesting. When you want to ask about a man or a woman proposal, don't ask about the religion. That's the last thing you ask about. What? Yes, because that will make it or break it. So for example, if I'm interested in someone who have high education, I ask is that person has a high education? Yes. Okay, good, check. Is this person, you know I like to marry someone with certain feature, physical features. You know, have this like let's say this person dark skin. Yeah, he's dark skin. Excellent. Is this person a good Muslim? You know, a person who religion No. Okay, السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ. But if you say if you say this person religious, مَاشَاءَ اللَّهُ, super religious. He is in the masjid. He pray all the time. Excellent, مَاشَاءَ اللَّهُ. That's a good proposal for my daughter. What do you do for living? Nothing. A loser. I mean, financially.

Just have no money, no job, nothing. When you say no كَأَنَّكَ رَدَدْتَ الدِّينَ. If you say no, as if he said no even though after he said he's so religious and it not be appropriate. So that's why he said the religion come the last point to check.

Misconception #2: "They Will Change"

Another misconception quickly, which is please parents listen carefully. Please young men and women listen carefully. Even though people like my kids here are not maybe getting married any soon. But you know what, listen to this as you grow up older. There is a big misconception called, he she will change. The mother, the father telling the children, don't worry, he will change. Don't worry, she will change. She will start wearing hijab after marriage. He will start praying after. He will stop doing this. He will stop do that. And you fool yourself.

You see all these red flags about the person and you keep telling yourself Oh, they will change. Oh, they will change. Though I have bad news for you. People don't change. Very, very rare for people to change. People change only if they really, really determined to change and there is certain character part of who they are. Somebody is lazy, he is lazy. Somebody is an indoor person, couch lover, hugger, he will be like that. He's not gonna be an outdoor tomorrow if you marry him or you marry her. And so forth. So, that kind of, oh, somebody like, for example, many times I have to counsel people, Sheikh, she's not wearing hijab. But when you marry her, she was not wearing hijab. Why you are now making a big deal out of it? I thought she's gonna change. That's not fair. He doesn't pray. Do you know, my daughter my binti, did you know that he wasn't praying before he married her? Yes, but I thought he's gonna change. You know, he's mentally, has a mental problem. I thought he's gonna change.

So, there's no such thing gonna change. Look for the right person. So, please stop saying that just because you wanna push someone on the throat of your daughters and just give them that, deceive them by telling them, or your son, oh, they will change. No. Because the one who suffer later on are the couple who married each others.

Misconception #3: Choosing Someone Opposite to Fix Yourself

Also, another misconception I found a lot about, when it comes to choosing the person, I wanna choose someone different than me. What do you mean? You know, I'm not religious, I'm looking for a super duper religious woman. You know, I am a person who is very very bad with money, I'm very stingy. You know, and I like, I'm so tight. I go marry someone super generous woman. I can tell you, that's a recipe for failure. You need, not a spouse, you need a therapist. Your spouse is not your therapist. Go look for a therapist to help you to fix yourself. Not look for a wife, or a husband.

So, believe me, the more compatibility, the more successful your marriage is. Any big huge difference between you guys in these areas, it's a recipe for failure. Or at least a very hard marriage. Struggle.

Misconception #4: External Beauty Is What Matters Most

Another misconception, a lot of people only focus on the outside. The beauty, how handsome he is, how beautiful she is. Some people build their muscles, build their body, build this, build their career. But what really matters, all these are important in marriage, by the way. That's another misconception. People don't think look matters. No, look matters a lot. For men and for women. Okay? That's absolutely 100%. But what's more important than that, my dear brothers and sisters, is what this person from inside looks like. As much as you try to polish yourself from outside, you need to develop yourself from inside. Because that's what really matters the most. When you grow up old, when anything happens in the marriage, I still love you for who you are. Not because how you look only. Or what is your career is. Money and beauty can go away. But love for the person will always remain.

Misconception #5: "She or He Is The Only One"

Final point I want to make today is, there is this concept, especially in the time of engagement and before marriage, that when person fall in love with someone and obsessed with that person, will always tell themselves, this is the only one. Young love, young men and women always have this idea, oh she's the only one. He's the only one. I can't live with I'm gonna die if I lose this person. Even though there are so many signs showing the person that this marriage or this not a good match. And often these ignored just because of that obsession, because of that excitement.

I know some of you are older and said sheikh, ah it's too late now. But it's never too late. That's number one. Number two, and I'm not suggesting anything, but you have children. You have young cousins. You have family that you can reach out to. And you share this. These are important crucial conversations to have with your children. And as early as you can. Let them hear this from you. Talk to them about this. Make sure you raise them to understand. Don't wait until it's too late. So this concept of he or she the only one, it's not true. Logically, by all means. It's just an emotional thing. So try to ask an interesting question. You know, and a smart question to the person to widen their horizon. Because that shows just how narrow the person is thinking. I do believe she is the only one which is my wife because I'm married to her. He is the only one because he's my husband after I marry him. That's right. After you marry the person, this is the only one I'm going to focus on developing the relationship with. But before marriage, no. He is like anyone. Many people like him and better than him. I can guarantee you that. There is many women better than her and like her. But he or she is the only one. Only when you marry. But before marriage, don't have this attitude because it will block you from seeing these red signs and clear signs. And remember, we have a Friday night specifically about this topic.

Listen To Your Parents

And finally, my brothers and sisters, this message for young men and young women out there. Your parents are sincere advisors to you. Please don't fall into the notion that they don't understand me. They don't know what I am or what I want. You know, or they have nothing to do with my marriage. You know, no matter how you think they don't understand you, they do. In my life, fully, 100%, but they do a lot. They know way more than you think they are. Many young men after I became in their 30s, they said, now I realize how smart my father was. He was always smart, but you're the one who wasn't. When you're young, you just can't see it. You know, unfortunately. So as you even look at your age, and now you're 20, you're 18, you're 14, you're 16, you're 13, look at how you think when you're 9, when you're 10, when you're 12, when you're 15, 17, 19. And as you grow, you see how things are different. So it's going to continue like that. I'm not saying parents are perfect. I'm far from being perfect or close to that with my kids. But I know that I care so much like all fathers here about my children. And I will give you the best sincere advice. I can't make you do things, but I must give you the advice. So whenever to come to marriage, listen to them. Don't just close the door. Not because the suggestion come from their side it means it's wrong, or it's backwards, or not the right person. Just give it a chance. Give it a try. Listen with them with sincerity.

Closing Du'a

May Allah give all of us a happy marriage. And grant our children a happy marriage. And ask Allah to bless us and our children and our offsprings, and to bless our community. I think this is one thing that we should be celebrating and proud of, is to be married and to be in the halal, lawful relationship. We ask Allah to forgive our parents and to forgive our children.

May Allah forgive us and our parents and our offsprings, and grant us from our wives and offsprings, a happy marriage. May Allah remove the weak Muslims in the east and west of the earth. May Allah protect us from the evil of the tribulation, and from what appears of it and what disappears. From us and from our children and our homes, O Most Merciful. Grant us our choice, and keep us away from our evil, O Lord of Glory and Honor. And peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad and his people.