Mastering Self-Control

Opening

الحمد لله والصلاة والسلام على رسول الله وعلى آله وصحبه ومن والى وبعد. اللهم لك الحمد حمداً كثيراً طيباً مباركاً فيه. أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له، وأشهد أن محمداً عبده ورسوله.

All praise is due to Allah, and prayers and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his family, his companions, and his followers until the Day of Judgment. I bear witness that Allah is the only one worthy of worship, and Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is his last and final messenger.

The Goal of Shari'ah: Freedom from Desires

My dear brothers and sisters, Imam al-Shatibi rahimahullah said, summarizing one of the most important goals of the shari'ah:

(Al-Muwafaqat, Imam al-Shatibi)

He summarized one of the most important goals of shari'ah: that our religion came to free you from being enslaved and controlled by your desires, to be controlled instead by the guidance of Allah. That is a very big and important concept in our religion — that the person submits to the will and to the guidance of Allah, not to be following his or her own desires.

Al-hawa — desires — is a word translated in the Quran and Sunnah. It is mentioned in the Quran about twenty-six or twenty-seven times. All of those times, every single mention of al-hawa was not mentioned in a positive meaning. It was always criticized:

"Do not follow desires, lest you deviate from justice."

"Rule between people based on justice, not based on desires."

"Have you seen those who have taken their desires as their god, their Lord?"

"The transgressors only follow their desires with no knowledge."

And there are so many verses in the Quran like this. That is something important because we as human beings — desire is part of who we are. It is something within us. But Islam helps us and gives us tools. Allah created us and He knows us the best, and He knows that if we submit ourselves to our desires we will not succeed in this life or the next. That is why there are so many rules, regulations, and guidance in Islam in relation to the issue of how to deal with desires.

Self-Control: Ruling Yourself

Today I would like to comment on one concept of al-hawa — specifically, when you don't have the ability to exercise self-control. When you don't have the ability to govern your own feelings and to control your reactions, when you lose self-control, that can be very damaging — to you, to your relationship with people, your relationship with Allah, your relationship with the religion, and your relationship with your family.

When you know how to master this, someone once said, "I am a king," — why? "Because I rule myself. I know how to rule myself. I am in control of myself." It is hard for me to imagine someone who cannot control his own desires being expected to lead his family, to lead a community, to lead in his organization. If you cannot have control of yourself and you cannot control your reactions, how can you have control of others or of things around you?

The Challenge: You Cannot Close Your Heart

The real problem is that desires have to do with feelings. You can close your eyes if you don't want to see something. You can close your ears if you don't want to hear something. It's hard to close your mouth if you don't want to eat something, but you still can do that. You have a degree of control over these senses.

But the problem with self-control is that it comes from your heart. You don't have the ability to close your heart. You can control your eyes, close your ears, close your mouth — but you can't close your heart. These feelings, you don't have that direct control over them. That is why it requires from a person a great deal of effort and mastering.

That is why the Prophet ﷺ praises those who are able to do that — to control their desires, to control their feelings.

Those who fear Allah and control their desires — al-Jannah is the reward. "Do not be angry" — and al-Jannah is your reward.

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The strong person is not the one with big muscles who can wrestle with people. No, the strong person is the one who can control himself in the time of anger."

Those who go to Hajj and control themselves — control their reactions, control their feelings — because those feelings will lead to actions. When you control that, you come back from Hajj without committing any type of sins, without arguing, without using bad words, without losing control in anger. You come back as if it were the same day you were born, free of sins.

Strong Emotions That Require Mastery

That self-control over your emotions is something so important. Emotions like what? Like anger — it is a very strong emotion. Like love — it is a very strong emotion. But how can you control that love so it does not lead you to do something haraam? Fear — it is a very strong emotion. How can you keep your fear under control?

Hurt — it is a very strong feeling. And those who are hurt can hurt others as well, even while they feel they are the ones being hurt. Jealousy — it is a very strong feeling. How can you control that jealousy so it does not turn into something negative? Lust — sexual desire — is a very strong feeling as well. But how can you control it so it does not lead you to what is haraam?

Those who cannot have control over their feelings — it will definitely turn them toward their destruction. The happiness of a person in this life does not consist in the absence of passions, but in the mastery of them. When you can master your feelings, that brings happiness and peace to your life.

Feelings Are Not Bad — Losing Control Is

It is allowed for you to be sad. It is allowed for you to be angry. It is good to be angry sometimes. It is good to be sad sometimes. It is even good to be jealous sometimes. These feelings are not completely bad. But when you don't control them, when you get out of control — that is when they become bad.

Allah said it is a natural thing to have the desire for love, for the opposite gender, the love for wealth, the love for fame. It is a natural thing to be angry. When Musa became angry — when someone said, "I am in love with her," — love is not a bad thing. "I am sad over the death of my son," — sadness is not a bad thing. But the point is to be able to control these feelings and not to let them control you. Because if you don't control them, they will lead you to things you will regret, and the effect can be long-lasting.

Guidelines from the Shari'ah

The shari'ah has given us certain guidelines in this regard. One of them is your ability to transfer these feelings from being negative to something positive. Make sure that you channel your anger into something productive. Channel your sadness into something productive — to learn and to grow from that feeling.

Also, make sure that whenever you want to deal with self-control, it is so important to mature up. Immaturity is an unbelievable reason for people to lose control, to hurt others, and to hurt themselves. I see that sometimes when we observe the reactions of people when a calamity or disaster happens. Immaturity — just recently I was speaking to someone and they said, "It wasn't very mature of me to say that." And I hear that so often — that people don't know how to grow up, especially when their emotions are at their most intense. You have to know how to deal with things with wisdom and with maturity.

Also, some people need professional help. Seek professional support. If you have extreme anger that you cannot control, you should look into therapy or a program to help you master your anger, your reactions, and your behavior — especially if it has reached the level of violence.

May Allah help us and make us always in control of ourselves.

أقول ما سمعتم وأستغفر الله لي ولكم، والحمد لله وحده والصلاة والسلام على من لا نبي بعده.

Control Your Tongue

One of the most important points I would like to end with is this: for self-control, control your tongue. No matter what emotions are going on inside you, learn how to control your tongue and deal with your emotions later. But don't open your mouth. And if you have to speak, make sure you tune it down.

It was said that Churchill, in a heated debate, was challenged by one of his rivals in the British House of Commons — Lady Astor. She told him, "You know what, if I was your wife, I would put poison in your soup." He smiled and said, "If I was your husband, I would have drunk it." And just like that, he ended the whole thing, and everybody started laughing, and things passed. You might laugh at that — but that is a mastery of controlling the tongue. That is a mastery of controlling yourself and not allowing yourself to lose it.

This is an important thing that you and I need to learn. Don't allow yourself to start backbiting, accusing people, saying bad words, cursing, or lying — just because there is a tense emotion, because you're so scared or afraid, and you start saying things that you might regret in the future.

Remember: You Will Be Asked About Your Words

If you need help with controlling your tongue, remember: whatever you say, Allah will ask you about it. Allah will ask you about what you said — not what you didn't say.

Remember what the Prophet ﷺ said:

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him say what is good or remain silent."

A lot of people think they have to say something — especially in the world of social media today. Everybody feels they must give an opinion, they must make a statement. You don't have to.

Practical Steps to Control Your Tongue

Also, make sure that you reduce the amount of talk. Make sure that you mention Allah before you open your mouth. I have witnessed something wonderful from Shaykh Ibn Baz, one of my teachers. Any time he wanted to open his mouth and talk — especially if someone had made him angry — he would make a lot of dhikr and istighfar before he would speak.

Remember: it is not only about saying the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult — and far more rewarding — is to leave unsaid the wrong things at the tempting moment. Sometimes the resistance of making your point makes you win a lot of points.

Closing Reminder

Today, my brothers and sisters, on this blessed Friday, the Prophet ﷺ encouraged us to increase our salat upon him until the Maghrib time.