Mastering the Skill of Overlooking

Mastering the Skill of Overlooking

Allah says in the Quran — remember when the Prophet had once confided something to one of his wives, then when she disclosed it to another wife, Allah made it known to the Prophet. Then he presented to her part of what was disclosed and overlooked a part.

So the Prophet spoke to Hafsa رضي الله عنها, but he did not tell her about everything that she had said to Sayyida Aisha رضي الله عنها. He presented a part and he overlooked the rest. And that is my topic with you today — overlooked.

She said, "Who told you this?" And the answer, of course — there is revelation. Allah informed the Prophet about what happened.

So brothers and sisters, the lesson that you and I can learn from this story: the Prophet could have embarrassed Sayyida Hafsa even more by telling her, "You said so and so, and also you said so and so, and I told you, you should not talk to her like this and you should not tell her this." But the Prophet focused on the most important part and then he overlooked the rest.

The Art of Taghāful — Gracious Overlooking

In Arabic, we call this art the skill of overlooking, brothers and sisters. And that is a problem that you and I are facing nowadays. We do not know how to choose our battles — husbands and wives, اللهُ أكبر. We do not know how to choose our battles with our children, with our spouses, with our bosses, with our friends, with our families, with our colleagues. Rasulullah is teaching you to overlook sometimes. Don't focus on the small things, the insignificant things.

This is called Fann at-Taghāful, brothers and sisters. This fann — this art and this skill — one of the scholars, rahimahullah, says: if you do not master that skill, you will lose a lot of things, including your health. I totally agree with that. If you do not know how to master that skill of overlooking people's faults and mistakes, you will lose a lot of things, including your health. You will lose your sleep. You will not be able to sleep at night.

"Sheikh, he saw me and he did not say as-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah." "She saw me and I said as-salamu alaykum and she did not say wa alaykum as-salam wa rahmatullah." اللهُ أكبر — the whole night, a whole week: "Why did she not say as-salamu alaykum? What did I say to her? Did I do something wrong? Maybe somebody told her that I did something wrong. What is going on?" And you lose your sleep. Perhaps she did not see you. Perhaps he did not hear you.

And nowadays with technology, سبحان الله — WhatsApp. "Sheikh, he saw the messages. I can see the blue ticks. I see both of them. He saw the messages." And by the way, I do not appreciate the ones who hide it — why hide the blue ticks? Because, "Brother, I need to know whether he saw my message or not, especially if it's an important message." But people hide it, because a lot of people are waiting to judge them. "He saw my message but he did not say anything. He did not respond back." And you lose your sleep.

But a lot of times, brother, sister, we need to just ignore. People have two million things to take care of. So we learn this from Rasulullah — focus on the most important things and ignore and overlook the rest.

So what is taghāful? To graciously overlook people's faults and mistakes and flaws. To turn a blind eye to their faults and to not focus on their negatives. Not because we're naive — we know what is going on, we know what is happening — but we choose not to focus and not to comment on that. Why? For our well-being, brothers and sisters. Let it go — you will be fresh. Let it go.

Children — your parents are going to annoy you sometimes. Let it go. Parents — your children are with you in the summer now; they're going to get on your nerves sometimes. Let it go.

Again, I need to clarify something here. I'm not saying ignore everything — taghāful about everything, overlook everything. No, no, no, no. I'm not saying this. There are a lot of things, a lot of issues that need to be addressed on the spot. But you need to learn how to overlook, and when to overlook, and when you should focus and address and solve the problem.

Lessons from the Quran: The Story of Yusuf

Let's go to the Quran again and learn about overlooking. Yusuf — we know the story of Yusuf, we love the story of Yusuf. Do you remember when the measuring cup was hidden in Binyamin's bag? It was hidden and he was proven guilty — they found the measuring cup in his bag. Then when his brothers saw this, they said: "If he steals, one of his brothers did that before." They were talking about whom? They were talking to Yusuf about Yusuf himself. They were speaking badly about Yusuf.

What did Yusuf do? He could have done two things. He could have said, "You are accusing me of being a thief, and I am basically one of the top officials in Egypt. You know what? You're going to stay in jail. I'm going to take revenge." That's the first thing he could have done. But Yusuf kept it to himself. "I know you're talking about me. I know you're saying something about me. But I am going to overlook it. Why? The time will come when I will address it. But not now. That's not the time."

Learn how to overlook, brothers and sisters. Learn — and you will see. I tried this in my life. My life is so much better because of this.

The Prophet's Example: The Story of Umm Jameel

One sister came to me and she said, "I want to know how, as an Imam, how do you deal with people? We deal with a lot of people — different backgrounds, different ethnicities, different educational backgrounds and everything." I said, "Listen, learn it from Rasulullah. Let me give you this beautiful example."

Umm Jameel was the wife of Abu Lahab, لعنةُ اللهِ عليه. She used to call the Prophet Madhmum. Madhmum is the opposite of Muhammad. Muhammad means the praised one; Madhmum is the blamed one. She used to call him Madhmum — this is character assassination. "Madhmum came, Madhmum went" — she would not say Muhammad.

So Rasulullah said to his companions — and this hadith is in Bukhari:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3533)

"Do you not see how Allah diverts their insults and curses away from me? They are not cursing me." And the Sahabah are looking at the Prophet — "They are calling you Madhmum. That's a negative. It's a bad name." Then Rasulullah said, "They insult Madhmum, and I am Muhammad. They're talking about someone called Madhmum. I am Muhammad."

Choose your battle. That's what Rasulullah taught us, brothers and sisters.

The Example of Umar ibn Abdul Aziz

One time, Umar ibn Abdul Aziz رضي الله عنه, he was Khalifatul Mu'mineen. He entered the masjid one of the nights and he stumbled upon one of the people who were sleeping in the masjid — he accidentally bumped into him. It was dark. Umar ibn Abdul Aziz had a guard with him. The man opened his eyes and said, "Are you crazy?" — saying that to whom? To the leader of the day. How did Umar ibn Abdul Aziz respond? He said, "No, I am not." And then the guard is going crazy: "He's insulting you right now! He said 'Are you crazy?!'" Umar said, "He's asking me if I'm crazy or not, and I said I am not — because I am not crazy."

Brothers and sisters:

And when the ignorant address them, they say, "Peace." We should not be naive — but we should not focus on every little thing.

When Should We Overlook?

To conclude, when should we overlook, brothers and sisters?

1. Unconstructive Criticism

When someone is giving you unconstructive criticism — you know that they're trying to belittle you, trying to make fun of you, trying to make you feel like you're worth nothing — and this feedback is not going to help you in any way, shape or form, and you're confident about yourself: let it go. That person is jahil. Don't focus on what the ignorant do to you. For your mental health. Not for them — it's for you.

2. Unintentional Mistakes

Someone did something by mistake and you know it was a mistake — don't focus too much on it. Learn how to forgive and forget people. It's a mistake. They wouldn't usually do this thing, but it happened. Let it go.

3. Words Said During Anger

During a moment of anger — husbands, wives, children, parents — when we're angry, we say a lot of things that we cannot justify, to be honest. I always say to couples: there is absolutely no justification for calling them names or saying something that will leave a scar in their hearts just because you're angry. Having anger issues doesn't give you the haq to say whatever you want at any time. Learn how to control your anger, brothers and sisters. But when someone says something in a moment of anger, overlook if you can — for yourself, not for them.

4. Things You Cannot Change

Your child has a habit of laughing very loudly. And every time: "Son, you're laughing so loud, you should not be doing that." But he says, "Dad, I cannot change it." Dad — let it go. You cannot change it, he cannot change it; it's a habit. Let it go. If something cannot be changed, just let it go.

5. Something You Can Actually Handle

I'll give an example and conclude with this, inshallah. There was a brother who did not like a certain habit of his wife — when she ate, she made a very loud sound. He did not like it, but he did not tell her. He said to himself, "You know what? I'll decide to fast Mondays and Thursdays — that way she's not going to be eating with me; I'll be eating two days by myself." So he goes to her and says, "You know what? I'll be fasting Mondays and Thursdays." And سبحان الله, she says, "You remind me of the Sunnah of the Prophet! I'll be fasting with you, inshallah."

So the brother is like — what should I do now? And then even at iftar, he starts breaking his fast outside the house. He's trying, but he's not facing the problem; he's overlooking when he should not be overlooking. He doesn't come home, and now the sister starts thinking, "There has to be something wrong — he's eating somewhere else." Then she confronted him: "I have a feeling there's something wrong. Where do you eat outside?" He said, "Listen, I'm not eating anywhere bad, I promise. But that's why I eat outside the house." And he told her the reason.

And سبحان الله, when she heard this, she said, "Why didn't you just tell me from the beginning? I could have managed this habit." Brothers and sisters — if you can handle something, address it. Don't overlook when you shouldn't.

The Traffic Light Analogy

We should treat our lives like traffic lights. Red — do not overlook; address the issue. Orange — evaluate the situation; if you can let it go, let it go, alhamdulillah. Green — just let it go, no problem; don't stop there.

With our children, brothers and sisters — when you pick at every little thing they do, سبحان الله, they are not going to like being around you. They are not going to appreciate it. Now they are in summer vacation — they're going to be with you more often; even when you travel, you're going to be together. Learn how to overlook. Sometimes address the issues, and sometimes overlook. But every single time — "Muhammad, why did you do that? Fatima, why are you doing this?" — they're not going to like to be around you. And the same goes for your spouse.

Sometimes, واللهِ, sisters — you act as if you are the FBI for your husband, سبحان الله. "Where did you go? What did you do? Let me check his phone — the night-patrolling thing," they call it. Sister, why are you bringing this trouble to yourself? Why are you making yourself lose sleep?

"But what if he's doing something wrong?" Well, if he does something wrong, you just get the popcorn and watch how Allah is going to expose him — or he's going to expose himself. I promise. Allah is the one who covers our faults and our mistakes. If he's doing something wrong, واللهِ, he will be exposed. Don't worry about it.

Your boss emailed you or texted you something that upset you — just pause. Take your time. Do not respond immediately. Do not react, brothers and sisters. Have sabr and you will see that Allah will give you the sakinah and tranquility.

Closing Du'a

Please — try to master the skill of overlooking, and you will see how your life is going to be amazing, inshallah.

I ask Allah to bless the community of Valley Ranch. I ask Allah to bless this masjid, ya Rabbal Alameen. I ask Allah to accept from us.