Raising Righteous Children Starts with You

Raising Righteous Children Starts with You

We're coming closer and closer to school. A lot of families are getting ready for that. They're probably preparing the new backpacks and lunch boxes and all that stuff. And the most important thing that they worry about right now, if they're going to be sending their kids to school — honestly, it doesn't matter anymore if it's Islamic school or public school. The challenge is always there.

How can I ensure my kids stay righteous? How can I make sure my kids grow up, insha'Allah, to be the comfort and the coolness of my eyes and my heart in the dunya and the akhira? A question, a challenge that all parents worry about every single year before school starts. And we always would love to have our kids grow up to become better than we are. At least that gives us satisfaction — alhamdulillah, they overachieved. They did better than me.

But how can you expect that if you don't put that effort on yourself first?

The Quranic Command: Protect Yourself First

You see, my dear brothers, the essence of the command comes from Allah clear in the Quran:

O you who believed, protect yourself, guard yourself — yourself first, He says — وَأَهْلِيكُمْ. Then He says your families, your children. Protect them and guard them against fire. نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ — the fuel of which is people and stones. عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ — guarded by angels, stern and severe. لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ — they never disobey Allah when He commands them. وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ — and they follow the commandment of Allah.

So this ayah is clear — a command from Allah that we care for our children, that we care for our families.

Some of us might say, "Sheikh, that's not for me. I'm not even married yet. I don't even have kids yet. I'm not even at that age to begin with." Well, even if you're not there yet, you have to worry about it, because one day insha'Allah, when you get there, you need to be prepared for that. And I don't know what's hidden for you in the future. But still, these kids who are around you in this community — they're like all our kids. And they're the future of our community. So we need to make sure that we have, insha'Allah, the best for them, bi'nillahi tabaraka wa ta'ala.

The Secret: Righteous Children Start with You

How can I ensure my kids grow up righteous? The secret to this is very simple: raising righteous children starts with you.

It starts with you, because that's what Allah mentioned in Surah al-Kahf. Remember the story of Musa alayhis salam when he was going with al-Khidr and he went from one station to the other. They went on the boat and then they met that child. And then they went to that village that was so mean to them — they asked for hospitality and were refused. And on the way out, as Musa and al-Khidr were walking out, al-Khidr looks at a wall about to fall. He tells Musa, let's fix this for them. And Musa was uneasy about it — why would we even do that? They didn't even give us anything. Why would we fix this for them?

And obviously, he was bound by the commitment and the promise not to say a word. So they built and fixed that wall. And when it was over and done, Musa couldn't take it anymore: "If I were you, I would have taken something for this — at least food." And that's when al-Khidr told him, "We're done here. You broke your promise with me. Let me tell you what happened." And he told him the three incidents. But the most important for us here is the third one — about that wall. What did al-Khidr tell Musa?

As for this wall, it belonged to two orphan kids who lived in this town. And there is a treasure buried for them underneath. And their father used to be a righteous man. SubhanAllah.

You know, when you look at this ayah and you think about how al-Khidr described the situation, speaking about the righteousness of the father was more of like a side note in the conversation. The focus was saving these kids — with this treasure that was buried down there, which Musa didn't know anything about. The kids, the orphans themselves didn't know anything about it. These orphans didn't even know that this wall was about to fall. They were too young. They would grow up one day, not knowing that this wall was about to fall, not knowing that there was a treasure down there, not knowing that their future was, alhamdulillah, fixed for them by the grace of Allah — on the hand of two of the most righteous people, the prophets Musa and al-Khidr.

And all of this happened, and then al-Khidr says: وَكَانَ أَبُوهُمَا صَالِحًا — they deserved that because their father used to be righteous.

Our ulema of tafsir say that the righteousness in the lineage of the family wasn't even their immediate father — some of the ulema say it was their great grandfather, perhaps up to the seventh grandfather. Allahu a'lam. But what we know is that Allah is teaching us in this ayah a very simple rule when it comes to raising righteous children: it starts with you. You want that lineage to be righteous? Then you be that person you want them to become in the future, insha'Allah. Because Allah said it clearly, وَكَانَ أَبُوهُمَا صَالِحًا — and Allah preserved them for the righteousness of their parents.

A Story from the Tradition

You know, one of the stories I read in our historical literature, subhanAllah, of the Muslim tradition — there was a young man brought before a judge for theft. He stole something. And as a result, because he was caught and admitted it, he deserved to be punished, and the punishment was to cut his hand off. Right in front of the judge, right when they were about to execute the judgment, he stopped and paused. He said, "Can I ask for something?" The judge said, "Of course." So he told the judge, "Can you start with my mom first?"

The judge was surprised: "What are you talking about?" He said, "When I was a little kid, the first thing I ever stole was an egg. I grabbed it and stole it. When I showed it to my mom, she was so happy that I did it — like she was proud: this is clever." He said, "Since then, unfortunately, it became easy for me." He said, "That's what happened. That's why I'm here right now."

May Allah preserve you and preserve your family and your children, Ya Rabb al-'Alameen. But you want righteous children — it starts with you. And you're going to have to work on it.

The Parable of Good and Bad Soil

Allah speaks about al-Balad al-Tayyib — the righteous, good land. What does He say about it?

The fruits, the vegetation, the trees and the crops grow healthy and beautiful and lush and green by the grace of Allah. Why? Because that town is a good town, that ground is good soil — fertile soil that can carry this beauty when it comes out. Then He says: وَالَّذِي خَبُثَ لَا يَخْرُجُ إِلَّا نَكِدًا — the land and the soil that is not so good, that is corrupt and not right — what do you expect to come out of it? نَكَدًا — nothing that will please your eye or your heart when you see it.

That was said as an example for raising children and family. Allah says: كَذَٰلِكَ نُصَرِّفُ الْآيَاتِ لِقَوْمٍ يَشْكُرُونَ — this is how We show these signs for those who would like to be grateful. Allah is teaching us: be grateful so you can get there. Make sure that the soil you create for your family is a fertile soil that will produce, insha'Allah, righteousness for them, bi'iznillahi tabaraka wa ta'ala.

The Story of 'Umar ibn 'Abd al-'Aziz

There are so many stories in our tradition that give examples of this. One of the beautiful stories, subhanAllah — it goes into the tradition of the time of Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him. He used to go and patrol the city at night to make sure everything was okay. One of those nights he was so exhausted and tired, so he leaned against a wall just to get some rest. And there he overheard a conversation between a mother and a young girl.

The mother was telling her daughter, "Why don't you mix this milk with some extra water so we can increase the volume and sell more?" So the girl tells her mom, "Didn't you know that is not allowed? It's not okay." The mother said, "How come?" The girl said, "Well, Umar, the khalifa, Amir al-Mu'minin, said don't do that — it's not allowed." And the mother said to her daughter: وَمَا يَدْرِي أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ — "How is he going to know about it?" So the girl tells her mother: إِذَا كَانَ عُمَرُ لَا يَدْرِي فَرَبُّ عُمَرَ يَدْرِي — "If Umar himself doesn't know, then the Lord of Umar knows about it."

Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, was so pleased with this incident and this story that he marked that house. The next day he brought his son and had him marry that girl. From that marriage, a girl was born named Fatima. That Fatima married someone by the name Abd al-Aziz, from the elite of Banu Umayyah of that time. She gave birth to a child they named Umar — we know him as Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz, the great righteous leader of Banu Umayyah, the man we sometimes count as the fifth rightly-guided caliph, the great-grandson of Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him — who inherited the righteousness of his great-grandmother. It runs in the family, subhanAllah, by the grace of Allah.

Children Are the Adornment of This Life

Allah made it so beautiful and sweet for us to love our children and love our families:

الْمَالُ وَالْبَنُونَ — wealth and our children — it's the beauty and the adornment of this life. But He reminds us that الْبَاقِيَاتُ الصَّالِحَاتُ — what you leave behind of good deeds — is better for you. And that's what we need to focus on.

As much as we work so hard in this life to make a living for our children and our families — as much effort as we put in there — if we don't associate that with الْبَاقِيَاتُ الصَّالِحَاتُ, with good deeds, with righteousness, what is the point? Maybe in the dunya we'll enjoy it with them for some time. What about the akhira? When there's eternity at stake, jama'ah — make sure to keep that in your mind.

You want to have righteous children — whether they go to Islamic school, public school, whatever they do, whether they stay at home — you want them to be the comfort and the coolness of your eyes and your heart. The righteousness of your children starts with you.

May Allah make us among those who listen to the speech and follow the best of it, Ya Rabb al-'Alameen. And make us among the righteous and give us righteous children, Ya Rabb al-'Alameen.

Second Part: What If I Do Everything and My Child Still Goes Astray?

My dear brothers and sisters, some of us might say: "But that wouldn't be fair — what if I do everything in my power and my kids still don't come out as I wish?" Look at Nuh alayhis salam. He spent 950 years giving da'wah to the world. And Allah makes his son and his wife an example for those who disobeyed. But he himself was an example of great obedience of Allah — one of the greatest five messengers of Allah.

So what does that mean? It means that we are not responsible for the actions of our children, but we are responsible to create the environment for them. That is my duty — to deliver. As for guidance, it is in the hand of Allah, who says:

You don't guide whomever you will and love. He is the one who guides whomever He wills.

You know, when the Prophet saw his grandson al-Hasan picking up a date from the sadaqah and putting it in his mouth, he grabbed his hand and taught him a lesson. He said: كِخْ كِخْ — "Spit it out, spit it out." Create the environment, teach them in the best way possible. As for the results, they stand in the hand of Allah.

And we can find that peace in the ayah where Allah says:

O you who believe, mind yourselves. لَا يَضُرُّكُم مَّن ضَلَّ إِذَا اهْتَدَيْتُمْ — you don't need to worry about those who go astray, if you stay guided. And our ulema say this ayah means: you've done your part. You have, alhamdulillah, done what you were supposed to do. You are free of liability when you stand before Allah.

So yes, we say that righteous children begin with you. But that doesn't mean we go so far out of our way that we lose our iman just to help our kids. No, we shouldn't. We do our best.

Do Not Forget Du'a

And on top of all of that, don't forget to make du'a for them. Ibrahim alayhis salam used to make a great deal of du'a for his children — even before he had kids — hoping that when he had children, Allah would bless him with righteous ones. He would say:

"My Lord, make me and my offspring among those who establish salat. O Allah, accept my du'a." He did that many, many times. And Allah answered his call with one of the most righteous people — Ismail.

May Allah make us among those who listen to this speech and follow the best of it, O Lord of the worlds. We ask Allah to bless us with guidance. O Allah, we ask You to show us and our children that which is right and help us follow it, and that which is wrong and help us stay away from it. O Allah, we ask You to fill our hearts with taqwa and the love for this deen. O Allah, O Lord of the worlds, the way we gather in this place, may we gather in Jannat al-Firdaus al-A'la. O Allah, teach us what benefits us and benefit us with what You have taught us. Indeed, You are the All-Knowing, the All-Wise. O Allah, grant our souls their taqwa and purify them — You are the Best of those who purify them. You are their Wali and their Mawla.

O Allah, send blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and all his companions. And may Allah be pleased with the rightly-guided caliphs and the companions of the Prophet Muhammad — Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman, and Ali — and the followers of the companions, and those who do good until the Day of Recompense.