Starting a marriage why and how?

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ وَحْدَهُ، الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ وَالصَّلَاةُ وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَىٰ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ وَعَلَىٰ آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ وَمَنْ وَلَاهُ وَبَعْدُ. Oh praise be to Allah and his praise and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family, his companions and his followers until the day of judgment. I bear witness that Allah is the only one worthy of worship and Muhammad his last and final messenger.

My dear brothers and sisters, one of the strange things that I've been hearing lately, that some young men and some young women telling me we don't want to get married. Even though as unnatural as this is, it is still unfortunately something that is growing. And nationwide, the rate of marriage is dropping way more than it is comparing to the last decade, for example.

The rate of marriage, let's say declining, but for the last few years, and forget about the pandemic and the rate of divorce going up, but the rate of marriage in itself is declining. And that's not only in the United States, but across the globe. There is this notion that I hear from young men and women, even people who are religious.

They're not fulfilling desires and haram, but they said, you know what, I don't want to get married, I want to stay single. And one of the common reasons that I hear young men telling me that and women, that they tell me we see all these marriages, problems, and we see all these bad examples, you know, and terrify us to commit to marriage. Why would I marry someone who will cheat on me, who will abuse me, who will take away my freedom? Well, well, well, and a long list of things like that.

And most of the time they tell me that they have seen some bad example. We see in the community, we see this, and they hear us talking about these kind of examples, which is unfortunately bad examples and bad marriages. Also, some of them, they see that in their own circle, either their own parents, friends, family, friends, and so on.

Don't Let Bad Examples Turn You Away from Marriage

But I want to say a couple of things, too, or a few points in regard to this. My brothers and sisters, especially young men and women, or those who are not married, those who are afraid to get into marriage or to commit to marriage, don't let these bad examples turn you away from a beautiful thing, which is marriage. It's exactly like when people want to invest and to have money, and he keep all what you think about those who start business and lost their money.

Start business and lost their money. If you're going to think about these examples of people who get into business and lost their money, you would never invest, as simple as that. If you're always going to think about, you know, you want to, for example, go to college, and you only think about people who drop out from college or can't pass, or you want to do a driver's license, and you see everybody you know failed the driving test.

That's not true. Not because you have several friends failed the driving test, it means you're not going to pass, or it's bad. No.

The problem is sometimes we hear about the bad example, but we don't hear about the good example. Because it's obvious, you know, people are not going to come to you and talk about how beautiful life is going for them. Usually people talk about the problem, not about the good.

That's a natural thing. I'm not going to go and tell, you know, wow, I had a great night, you know, a great week with my family. I do this.

Usually you talk about things that it is, you know, out of the norm, which is where the problem is. So a lot of time young men and young women, when they hear these things, they think that this is the norm. But that's not true.

There are so many times, so many people are very successful in their marriages, and that's the vast majority of people. Also those who have problems, don't look at a week or a month or a year in their marriage life, in their marital relationship. You have to look at that 20 years or 10 years.

There's so much good happening during these years. Don't let only a few days or a few incidents basically make you look at the relationship through these problems. And it can be very deceiving.

I'm not saying that there is no problem. I know, I recognize that. I'm an imam, I deal with things like this all the time.

But also I recognize there is so much good out there. It's like when you think about sickness, and you deal with all those sick cases. You think everybody in the world is sick.

But the reality, no. You only get to hear about sickness because it is out of the norm. It's out of the ordinary things.

And the same thing with marriage. So don't let these stories terrify you or turn you off or turn you away from marriage. You know, have حُسْنَ الظَّنِّ بِاللَّهِ.

Which is always expect good from Allah. And Allah will meet your expectation. Make sure you do your homework.

Make sure that you do the right things in choosing the right person. Because marriage is not only something that is natural. It is also something that is deeply rooted in our religion.

Marriage in the Qur'an and Sunnah

When Allah created Adam, he created for him a spouse. وَخَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا He created you from one soul, which is Adam. And for Adam he created his mate, his spouse, his زَوْج, which is Eve.

And from Adam and Eve Allah created humanity or humanity mate. Allah says:

He made for us spouses from ourself, so we can tranquil with them. So we can dwell in tranquility with them. In peace, love, harmony, mercy. Allah says, messengers he have sent and prophets, the best of humanity, what he have made them? Husbands, he defined them as husbands and fathers and parents.

Allah says, ordering:

Marry, who do you want or you wish from woman. And the same thing apply for woman.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5193)

O young men, whoever have the ability, should marry, should wed. And that's an order from the Prophet. Especially in a time where it is hard for people to to protect themselves from all these desires, sexual desires around them. Marriage is something that tell them a lot.

The Benefits of Marriage

Married people, statistically speaking, are less likely to be caught in addictions, in all kind of addiction. Addiction is very high rate, addiction rate among singles. Also, way more less likely to be committing suicide. Also, those who are married, you might find this surprising, but this is true, people who are married have much, much higher income those who are then singles.

They have much higher income than those who are single. And also, yes, I know that marriage, it means commitment, responsibility. I know that marriage, it means that you, you know, find yourself maybe not have the type of freedom that you had when you're single.

But I can guarantee you that the type of life and lifestyle that you get into when you marry to the right person, it's the freedom that you gain by that marriage is way more than the freedom that you had when you were single. I always say, yes, when you are single, you might move faster, but when you are with your spouse, you can move farther, you know. And basically when you have that companionship with you, when you have that support, when you have your other half with you, you are complete.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5193)

Married will help you to lower your gaze, aim to protect your private part.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5193)

If you can't, fast, and it is a protection for you, fasting. Today people not married, not fasting, not lowering their gaze, not protecting themselves from haram, unfortunately.

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2629)

The world is nothing but a joy. And the best joy in this dunya is to have a righteous spouse. A righteous spouse. He said a righteous wife but also a righteous husband. To have a righteous spouse is the best type of joy in this dunya. So if you think that you're enjoying your life, you're missing so much by not being married to the right person.

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895)

When the verse talking about those who possess gold and silver. Say put in a safe and hold into the silver and gold. He said, what can be better than holding into silver, what better than possessing silver and gold or gold and silver.

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895)

He said, the best thing to possess to have a tongue that you have control over and you have it and that tongue you used to remember Allah with. A heart that you have it, you possess it, but that heart is a heart of a grateful person. And what the third one. He said, a righteous wife who's a مُؤْمِنَة, a believing woman who will help you with your iman.

And also a righteous مُؤْمِن, husband who will help you, sister, with your iman.

(Al-Tabarani, Hadith 2445)

If you marry a righteous good spouse, you complete half of your deen. That will help you to complete half of your deen.

And the Prophet told us that the one who seek marriage for the sake of protecting themselves, Allah made a promise to help them. Allah made a promise to help them. Marriage is the way if Allah bless you with a righteous spouse. Those righteous spouse will be an intercessor for you in the day of judgment. Your children from that spouse will be an intercessor for you in the day of judgment.

(Statement of Ibn Mas'ud, as recorded by classical scholars)

If I only have one night left in this life, I will not die as a single man. I will marry and I will die as a married person. Because that means I complete half of my deen.

Ibn Abbas met Saeed ibn Jubair and he said, are you married? He said, no, not yet. He said, marry. And that shows you how the companions cared about making sure their students are married.

And he said, إِنَّ خَيْرَ هَذِهِ الْأُمَّةِ كَانَ أَكْثَرُهَا نِسَاءً That the Prophet the best of this ummah and he was married.

And the Prophet when a man came to him he said, ya Rasulullah I'm not going to marry. And the Prophet was upset. And he said, no. I have more taqwa and knowledge than anyone of you and I marry.

And those who do not follow my sunnah are not among my ummah, my nation. And the Prophet said ثَلَاثٌ أَوْ أَرْبَعٌ مِنَ السَّعَادَةِ Four things among happiness.

Four things if you have them you will be happy. And one of them is to have a righteous good spouse.

Choosing the Right Person for Marriage

Also the Prophet once a woman came to him with her father. Young woman. And the father said, ya Rasulullah my daughter not listening to me and bringing all these proposals to her and she's not accepting any one of them. Then he said, why are you giving your father a hard time? She said, ya Rasulullah I don't want to marry unless I know exactly what are my rights and what's my husband's right.

I want to know about marriage first. I want to make sure that I'm making the right choice. Because when you want to get married you just don't want to go by. You don't want to just marry someone that you can live with. You should be looking to marry someone you can't live without.

So she said that to him and the Prophet explained to her. Then after that he said to her father and he said to her, listen to your father. And he looked at the father and said but don't marry her without her consent. You can't force someone into marrying.

It does start from the beginning. It starts from the choice. You want to be choosing the right person. You don't want to be choosing the wrong person.

It's a joke. But there is a meaning behind it. There is a message behind it. They saw this man wearing his wedding ring in the wrong finger. So somebody said why are you wearing it in the wrong finger? He said because I'm married to the wrong person.

It's a joke, but it's not a joke. There is a message behind that. You're right husband or wrong wife. That's not enough just to make some people maybe don't switch fingers but that's how their life is. That they made that bad choice.

And in some, a lot of people make this choice to get married. Especially I want you if you have children is to talk to them about marriage early. And I'm not saying talk to them about getting them to marry, but at least the concept of marriage, the concept of relationship.

I think one of the reason we have so many bad failing marriages today because we were never taught. We were never taught what marriage means. I'm a big believer that in every high school, especially in Islamic schools, we should have a subject talking about marriage.

And telling young boys and young girls what marriage means, what husband's rights are, what wife's rights are, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a husband, what happy life looks like. I think this is something so important to be taught, to be given, to be inserted in the mind and the heart of young men and young women in our community.

And I'm so glad that this weekend, Shaykh Ibrahim going to be giving a workshop it's called Marriage GPS. I advise each and every one of you to register for it, to attend it, inshallah.

Don't Expect People to Change

And anyhow, one of the thing that I want to make sure it's clear from the beginning, clear from the beginning, that whenever you about to choose someone, please there is an assumption of this person will change. So the wrong choice happen because we always think, oh she will change, oh he will change.

Or the parents tell the daughter, don't worry about him now, inshallah after you get married he will change. Or they tell her, don't worry about, she's a good woman, you know I know you don't like the fact that this is how she act or this is how she is, but inshallah she will change after marriage.

That notion that you entering to the marriage on the assumption that people will change, sometimes not fair. Like I remember a brother coming to me and tell me, Shaykh my wife she doesn't wear hijab.

Okay, I said, okay. And he said, this is for me an essential thing. I said, that's fine. Was she wearing hijab when you got engaged to her? He said, no. I don't like the fact that she show her hair. I said, it's very bothering me as a husband. I said, was she covering her hair before you married? No. You know about this before marriage? Yes. So why you are so upset right now? I mean, I agree with you, she should. But why you making now is a make it or break it type of point. Why it was not make it or break it point when you are engaged?

He said, oh, my mom told me she will change. That's not fair. That's not how it works. You know, I know my husband is a stingy person. I know my husband is very connected to his parents. I know that from the beginning. And I enter into the marriage under the assumption I will change him or he will change him.

We are not in a competition to change each other. We change eventually as couples later on in our life. I am not the same one who married my wife 20 years ago. Or 18 years ago. Or 15 years ago. And she is not. We change. Physically and you know, psychologically.

But again, the point is this assumption is very very wrong assumption and cause so much damage in relationships later on. I hate to break it for you. People don't really change much. If you ever somebody tell you people change, people don't change much. Especially it comes to their who they are, their character traits.

Unless they are very determined to change. And very determined to make that change. They themselves. And they have so much will and put so much effort. Yes, progress can be made. But most of the cases, it's very hard for me to see that. And it's very high risk to gamble your life over something like this.

So please parents, don't ever push your children under the assumption, oh they will change. Or you yourself.

Balance Heart and Mind in Choosing a Spouse

Another thing also, a wrong choice. When you follow your heart alone. A lot of time, we just follow our heart. And our heart can be deceived by the look. By some you know, outside things. So rich, you know, he's very handsome.

Like somebody was like literally telling me oh, can you ask for this guy for marriage? You know, I'm wanting to marry him to my daughter. And I said, do you know him? No. First time they saw the guy. Or the girl. First time to see this guy. Why? Just because he look handsome, attractive young man. That's it? Just because of the six-packs? That's just what make me marry the person?

By the way, I'm not saying that it's wrong to look for someone who's handsome. For a woman who's beautiful. Or a man who's rich. I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is that's not enough to make the decision of a relationship that will last. Don't ever marry someone you're not attractive to.

And please, parents, the issue of how attractive I am to this person is only solely to the young man or young woman. I had one. I was in trouble once. I had a sister that I have to confront with her. Her son is one of my students. And she insists to marry him. Someone with fair skin. Light skin. And he said, Sheikh, I am in love with women who have a dark skin.

And his mother said, Not in the world you will be married to a dark-skinned woman. And I had to... She's not racist or anything, but she just doesn't think that this is I don't know, racist or prejudiced, but that's not what beauty for her means. And he said, They're just utterly wrong.

You don't define. Oh, she has to be tall. Sheikh, I don't like tall guy. I like short guys. It's not your business. I'm the one who marry him. I'm the one who's been sleeping next to him in the bed. Not you. So all these things, it is so sad when I hear parents are putting so much pressure and influence on their children over stuff like that.

The look, it's up to the person.

Don't Expect Opposites to Attract

Another thing also is so deceiving, which is a lot of people looking for the opposite. Under the assumption opposite attract. Opposite people attract to each other. I mean, maybe, maybe physically, and I've seen that. Mashallah, I see people who are tall like short, big like petite. I've seen that a lot. But character wise, I'm telling you, you're wrong if you think opposite attract.

One person was telling me, Sheikh, I am very, very, my deen, my Islam, my Iman is so low. So I want to marry a super duper religious girl. Or my Islam is weak, Sheikh, so I want to marry this Sheikh to bring my Islam up. Habibji, you're getting a husband, not a therapist.

You know, you're not looking for a therapist, you're looking for a husband or a wife. Not someone to teach you how to, I'm so angry person, I need someone to teach me how to be calm. So I choose someone who's so calm. I'm a person who worry, have anxiety, and I want someone who's so like relaxed. That doesn't work this way.

Most likely those people would like, you know, you need help, look for a professional help, not a wife or a husband. Look for a teacher to teach you Quran, not a Sheikh to marry. As simple as that. It's just ridiculous. That's actually idea. And that comes when people follow their hearts and they forget to take their brain with them. They leave it behind.

So these things are so essential to make the right choice.

Never Force Anyone Into Marriage

Also, it is so important that we don't ever force anyone into marriage. And any woman get to be forced into marriage, Nabi give her the option to nullify the marriage immediately. And you cannot force your son into marriage.

And I thought this is now obvious, but I was surprised by, this is not obvious actually. You still have in our community people put so much pressure, and force their children to marry. And blackmail them, and emotionally pressure them, psychologically pressure them, financially pressure them. I'm not gonna help you with any money if you don't choose the one that I choose for you. Your cousin for example.

And that's not correct. You can't force someone because that's gonna fire up later on.

Be Honest in Relationships

Also, it is so important when you look to someone to, when you look for the right person, that will be honest, no deceiving. Honesty is so important in this stage in relationship. Be honest. Don't give an image or a claim that it's not you. I'm so rich, I'm so this, I'm so that. And I know a lot of sad stories about that.

You know, even be honest if you have certain disease. Like somebody came to me and said, Sheikh, I got, he already engaged, he already have the relationship established, he already hooked up the girl, the girl fall in love with him. And he coming to me, he said, Sheikh, I said, what? He said, I have STD. Should I tell him? Sexual transmitted disease.

Excuse me? What do you think? You gonna hide this? But Sheikh, they gonna turn away from me. That's cheating. If you have to have, you have to be honest. You know, I take like psychiatric medicines. I take antidepressant. I mean, there is honesty has to be.

I'm not saying from the first, I knock on the door, by the way, I want you to meet me on my shrink, you know, from the beginning. But at least there is some kind of level of honesty. You know, a preparation for things of that, you know, nature.

Hiding this, and after marriage you figure out, that's not right, that's not correct. For God's sake, I've seen cases where people, after marriage found out that their spouse was married to someone else and have kids. That's just unacceptable.

Be Moderate in Your Choices

Also, whenever you look, make sure you be moderate. Some people are too extreme. He looked to the perfect man, perfect woman. There is no perfect man, perfect woman. Inshallah, when they go to Jannah. But be moderate in your choice.

And also, don't ever think that is one area is enough. Even religion is not enough. You marry someone who is super religious, but it might doesn't mean that is going to be happy in my life. Maybe this person get angry quickly, stingy. Maybe incompetent. Sexually, there is not he basically not capable. There is many things, doesn't matter. In this case.

So, make sure that you be moderate and you be basically look at all areas and don't be just look at one side and forget about the rest. Don't ever think when the Prophet said when a woman is married because of her wealth, her lineage, her beauty. It doesn't mean, when he said make sure you take the religious one. It doesn't mean you dismiss the others.

No, the others are important. But religion is make it or break it factor. Okay, I want someone that look have that character, have that lineage, have that culture, have that education. And the more there is similarity the more likely the marriage will be successful.

But in the end of the day, I cannot choose someone who is not religious. Someone of a corrupt belief. Someone who don't fulfill the obligations of Islam. Someone who openly practice the major sin in Islam.

And, in the end I would say make sure that you look for someone who is pious. Because the pious person, Inshallah, if he fears Allah, she fears Allah, will always protect you. Even if they don't like you personally, they will not abuse you.

One of the scholars said, marry your daughter to someone who fears Allah. Because if he likes her, he will be extremely good. And if he doesn't like her, he will never abuse her. Because inside the house, Allah is the only one overwatching.

Make Dua and Consult

My brothers and sisters, make a lot of dua that Allah bless your choices. And make sure that you consult, you ask. Make sure you ask Allah first, then you ask people. A lot of time I'm sad because people, they don't invest a little bit time to ask about the person before they get married to.

May Allah give success to all our young men and women, who are about to get married and those who are married.

Conclusion: Keep Marriage Blessed

My dear brothers and sisters, one of the things that I want to say in summer, there is a lot of marriages take places as well. And in these marriages, make sure you don't start your life with doing what is haram. It's so important for you. Some people say, no, just one night. You want this marriage to start with the blessings of Allah. Not start your marriages with disobeying Allah.

What the awrah is showing, what the salah is neglecting, you know, mixing between men and women in a way that all beauty displayed and all make-up. And that in Islam is not allowed. It's haram. Full music, men dancing over it. All this is not allowed in Islam.

And make sure that you know, especially those who come to the side, those who pray, those who are like come from a religious family, that they respect these rules. So Allah bless their marriages.

And my brothers and sisters, I can't emphasize enough on the importance of talking to your children about marriage, about the concept of marriage. Make sure when your son or daughter want to get married, they feel so comfortable to come talk to you. You know what, we have beautiful examples in our community. I don't want to mention names, but I can see a couple of them in the crowd here. Married older kids. Boys and girls.

You know what, I'd love that you come and you ask them, how did you do it? May Allah make all the children successful. Ask. There's nothing wrong with that as a father. What did you do? Learn from other people's experience. Make sure that you have that conversation with your children, so when the time comes, you're not surprised. You're there. They consult you and they talk to you.

May Allah bless you and bless your families. May Allah bless you and bless your families.