The Art of Listening

The Art of Listening

Inna alhamdulillah, nahmaduhu wa nasta'eenuhu wa nastaghfiruhu, wa na'udhu billahi min shururi anfusina wa min sayyi'ati a'malina, man yahdihi Allahu fa la mudhilla lah, wa man yudhlil fa la hadiya lah, wa ashhadu an la ilaha illallah wahdahu la sharika lah, wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan abduhu wa rasuluhu, wa safiyyuhu min khalqihi wa khaliluh, ballaghal risalah wa adda al-amanah, wa nasaha al-ummah, wa tarakahum ala al-mahajjah al-bayda, layluha ka nahariha, la yazighu anha illa halik, salatu rabbi wa salamuhu alayh.

Ibad Allah, Allah azzawajal says in his noble Book — after seeking refuge with Allah from the accursed Shaytan:

Oh you who believe, fear Allah as he deserves to be feared, and do not die except in a state of Islam.

Oh mankind, fear your Lord who created you from a single soul and produced from that soul its mate and made from their combination many men and women. So fear your Lord whom you ask each other by, and by the ties of kinship. Verily Allah is ever watchful over you.

Oh you who believe, fear Allah and say that which is correct. He will correct for you your deeds and forgive you your sins, and whoever obeys Allah and his messenger then they are indeed victorious.

To proceed — the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam says:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 93)

You will not enter Jannah until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another.

Allah describes the blessing of this love when he says:

Allah says that he united their hearts — the hearts of the believers — and if you, oh Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam, were to spend everything that is on earth, you would not have been able to unite their hearts, but Allah did. And this unification of hearts is an objective of the believer. Allah says:

That those who believe and do righteous actions, Allah — al-Rahman — will create between them love. And Allah named himself al-Wadud.

One of the ways I wanted to share in this khutbah briefly — one of the ways in which the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam was able to capture people's love, and something that we all have access to but we need to practice — is simply listening.

Five Ways to Become a Better Listener

1. Give People Your Undivided Attention

Amr ibn al-As radiyallahu anhu, as reported by al-Tirmidhi in his al-Shama'il, says:

(Al-Tirmidhi, al-Shama'il al-Muhammadiyyah)

He says that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam used to face people with his face and with his speech, garnering their love through that. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam used to face people completely when he would talk to them — he would give them his undivided attention.

Amr radiyallahu anhu is a shrewd politician. He understands politics, he understands how to maneuver people, he understands how to garner people's respect and reverence. He said the Prophet used to capture the hearts of even the worst of people by doing that — يَتَأَلَّفُهُمْ بِذَلِكَ — and he says that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam faced him also with undivided attention, بِوَجْهِهِ, until he says: hatta dhanantu anni khayrul qawm — until I thought that I was the best of the people.

So tip number one is to practice giving people your undivided attention when you talk to them. When you're shaking hands with people right now after Salatul Jumu'ah — make sure that you make eye contact with the person. Lots of times we get that half-half face handshake, where the person is still talking to so-and-so and he's giving your hand like this. No — face the person, hold on to their hand until you're able to face that person, give them that smile of yours, give them that eye contact, give them that face. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam used this to capture people's love.

2. Do Not Interrupt

The second is that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam would never interrupt people. Utbah ibn Rabi'ah was tasked with coming to Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam to make him an offer that he thought he couldn't refuse. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam had been causing such divisiveness in Mecca — turning a person's slave against his master, turning family members against each other — all of these things that were societal no-nos, that had never been done before, were beginning to happen now with the Muslims in Mecca. And so he comes to Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam and he makes him an offer. He says: if what you want is money, then we're going to gather our wealth and we're going to make you the most wealthy. If, Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam, what you want is women, then just point out who you want — we'll marry her to you. If what you want is leadership, then you can be our leader.

And so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam is listening, and listening, and listening, until he says to him: a-faraghta? — are you done? Have you said everything you needed to say? And he said yes. And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam says: then listen. If you were to place the sun in my right hand and the moon in my left, I would not give up this message.

But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam could have interjected right from the beginning. As soon as he realized where the conversation was going — that's what one of us would have done: just hold on a second, no no no, you've got this all wrong, that's not what's going to happen, I'm not interested in this. And yet the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam listens intently, because Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam was sent, as he himself said:

(Musnad al-Bazzar; al-Bayhaqi, Shu'ab al-Iman)

I was only sent to perfect good character. And undoubtedly of good character is that you let a person finish their thought.

Some of us are constant interrupters. We have some people who are constant interruptees — they're never able to get a sentence in. It's been two years in a pandemic and they still haven't said a word in their Zoom meetings without being interrupted by everybody. The idea is that you are able to allow people to finish what they've started, and that you wait. And not only do you wait — because a lot of people when they listen, they're only listening waiting to respond — but even better than that is when you listen to understand. I'm not thinking about responding to you right now; I'm trying to be as present as I can in this conversation so that I can understand what you are saying, and then after that I have time to respond. And guess what — when people realize that you are being thoughtful, and even if you're pausing and taking time, they appreciate that conversation with you more.

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam — as Anas ibn Malik radiyallahu anhu said — whenever a person wanted the Prophet's ear sallallahu alayhi wasallam, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam would give that person their ear, and he would listen to that person until that person stopped. He would not separate from that person.

I have one person who tells me — he mentioned to me somebody he said — I love that person so much. I said: why do you love this person so much? He said: I love him so much because of one thing he captured my heart with. I said: what is that? He said: every time I call him, every time we're on the phone together, he never rushes me to get off the phone. And it's a hard, high-level thing to achieve — but he loves that person because of that. The idea that every time I talk to this person, I feel like I have their undivided attention, and I feel like they have time.

People ask the question: well, what if I don't have time? What if I don't have 15 or 20 minutes? Some people will talk to you for 30 minutes, 45 minutes, or an hour. Then you set boundaries, and you say to them: I've only got 10 minutes, I've only got 15 minutes, but you have my undivided attention for these 10 minutes — what's happening? And you give them that. So that when it is time for you to break away, they feel like they've been heard.

3. Do Not Let Them Know You've Heard It Before

A beautiful etiquette is not letting them know that you've heard it before. Ibn Abi Mulaykah — one of the great scholars of the Tabi'in — he says: a person will come and tell me information that I knew before he was born, and I'll pretend like I never heard it before.

How do you feel when you come excited to tell someone a story, and then as soon as you start they say: we know this already! I already heard this. Yes, I already watched that, I already saw that video, I already watched that clip. You just deflate that person. And Ibn Abi Mulaykah is saying: I might have learned this information before that person was born, and yet I will pretend otherwise. Why is he doing that? Because it makes that person happy. That's it — it just makes that person happy.

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam was asked many times by the companions: what is the most beloved action to Allah? And he would give different answers on different occasions. But on one occasion he said:

(Al-Mu'jam al-Awsat lil-Tabarani; Ibn Abi al-Dunya, Qada' al-Hawa'ij)

Any happiness — surur — any happiness that you bring to any Muslim becomes the most beloved action to Allah. And so even if it's allowing them to share a story with you, or to share some information with you, and in their excitement and in their happiness you are able to match that happiness — that is a beautiful attribute to have when listening. Do not interrupt, and do not inform them that you've heard this before.

4. Validate How They Feel — Be an Active Listener

Number four is that you validate how they feel, or you give some indication that you're listening. There is a hadith in Sahih al-Bukhari that is amazing — it is called the Hadith of Umm Zara'. The story goes: the hadith is long, very long. Aisha radiyallahu anha sits down with Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam and she tells him the story of eleven women talking about their husbands.

Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam is sent as the final messenger to mankind. He is tasked with delivering people from Jahannam to Jannah — this is his life's mission. If there is anybody in this world who does not have the time to listen to a story about eleven women talking about their husbands, it would have been Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. The default of a busy person is: I'm a busy person, I don't have time for this — do you have anything of substance to share? And yet Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam is listening to Aisha narrate this story.

Eleven women — half of them are complaining about their husbands, describing them with all sorts of things: this one is stingy, this one is skinny, this one is this, this one is that — until finally the last one. She talks about Abu Zara', her husband. Abu Zara' — and she's describing how he had her living lavishly, and that her arms became fat, and that she would sleep until noon. And right now you might be getting bored of me talking about this — and yet at the conclusion of the story, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam says to her: I am to you like Abu Zara' was to Umm Zara'.

What does that showcase? When the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam comments with that — what does that showcase? He was listening. Sometimes you'll experience that with your spouse: are you even listening? Yes, I was listening. What did I just say? And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam says: I am to you like Abu Zara' was to Umm Zara'. He is validating her story. He is showing interest in the story. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam is being an active listener — and he is not being prodded, he volunteers that information. So much so that Aisha radiyallahu anha shares this entire episode with us, and we read it generation after generation in Sahih al-Bukhari.

And so number four is: show that you are actively listening. Some of that might be that you summarize what the person just said — so what you mean is this, this, and this — and they say yes, or they say no, and then you're interested in understanding better.

5. Do Not Take Any Conversation for Granted

The fifth and the last way to become a better active listener is to simply not take it for granted. Any conversation that you have with a person is a gift that Allah has given you. Your conversation with your mom. Your conversation with your father. Your conversation with your children. Your conversation with your siblings. Your conversation with your friends. When a person thinks to themselves — this conversation might be my last with this person — this might be my last conversation with my father, how will that conversation be? This might be my last conversation with my child, how will that conversation be?

The reason why we're able to lapse out of so many conversations is that we assume there's going to be another one — we take it for granted. And so by simply exercising that urgency of life, being aware of the fragility of life, every conversation becomes more meaningful — including the conversation that we have with Allah in Salah.

And so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam says:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4171)

Pray the prayer of someone who is bidding farewell. The more a person is able to engage that urgency, the more every conversation becomes more meaningful, the more every Salah becomes more meaningful, the more every interaction becomes more meaningful — and that makes us take it, inshallah, for what it's worth.

Summary

For those of us who are just joining: we're talking about the art of listening and five ways to become a better listener. We talked about:

• Number one: Giving people your full, undivided attention.
• Number two: Not interrupting.
• Number three: Not letting them know if you've heard it before.
• Number four: Confirming that you were listening — being an active listener.
• Number five: Not taking any conversation for granted.

Du'a

We ask Allah to grant us his love and the love of those whom he loves, and the love of actions that will garner us his love.