The More Relationships You Have, The More Responsibilities You Carry

The More Relationships You Have, The More Responsibilities You Carry

I would like to continue our conversation from last khutbah about relationships, and this is such a big, huge topic that can be addressed from different directions. One of the points that I would like to remind ourselves about, and to start my khutbah today with, is a concept that I touched upon at the end of my last talk — which is that the more relationships you have, the more responsibilities you carry. And absolutely, whoever has so many friends will also have many creditors.

Because everybody wants his rights. I'm sure some of you have experienced this — you'll be invited to three different places on the same day. So I go to the first one and leave quickly at the beginning of the event. Then I go to the second one, they've just started their dinner, and I stay just a little bit and leave. Then I catch the last one at the end. Next day, guess what? I get three angry messages from all three. "You didn't stay enough," "You just came at the last minute," "You just came for the food." You know what? I brought it on myself. So you have to understand that.

Al-Fudayl ibn Iyyad said:

"The foolishness of a person is evident in the abundance of his acquaintances." — Al-Fudayl ibn Iyyad

So many associates, so many friends, so many people — why? Because with that comes responsibilities. And if you don't fulfill these responsibilities toward them, they will become angry at you.

Balancing Responsibility and Authority

Another point when it comes to relationships — and I hope you pay attention to this. With any relationship that you have, there is something called responsibilities, and there is something called authority. And you have to balance these two together. The responsibility must be within the limit of your authority. And you have to understand that your responsibilities are defined by the nature of those relationships.

If your sense of responsibility exceeds the limits of your authority, that can lead to disaster. And if your authority is high but your sense of responsibility is very low, that too is a problem.

Let me give you an example. I'm a doctor. A patient comes to me. Let's say this is a male doctor and she is a female patient. I give her the medications, I do everything. Then she leaves. And I feel like, "You know what, I'm responsible for her well-being. Let me take her phone number and message her — how is she doing?" And I start going beyond my authority. That's not within your authority. That's beyond your limit. Now you've crossed the line. You felt an intense sense of responsibility and became emotionally attached, and that led you to cross your salahiyyah — your authority. That can lead to doubts, can cause disaster, can cause serious problems.

On the other hand — when your authority is high but your sense of responsibility is so low: I come to Jumu'ah or to the masjid to pray, while I see my kids playing around and I don't say anything to them. I have the authority to order them to come. I have the authority to make sure that this happens. But I don't exercise that authority because I have a very low sense of responsibility.

It is so important to balance this — with your friends, with your family, with your employees. And I will say even with big issues, issues related to humanity, responsibility on a greater scale. When you don't understand this, you live in misery.

For example, when a huge crisis happens in the world, you have to understand that you have a responsibility, but your responsibility and your authority must go in line. Because if they don't, sometimes people feel: "I have a responsibility toward what's happening, so I must take action." And they exceed their authority — they don't actually have the authority to take those actions, to make that change. So what happens? People cross the line and do things which are illegal, things which are harmful, things that cause much damage to themselves, to their family, to their community, to their country, and so forth.

There is a level of responsibility and a level of authority that you have as an individual, as a citizen, as a leader, as a police officer, as a senator, as a member of Congress, as a president, as a king. So everybody has a certain level of authority. What happens when people become so emotionally charged is that they don't balance between the sense of responsibility and authority. They raise their sense of responsibility so high that they feel obligated to take a certain kind of action — and that's not true.

Allah said:

Allah will not burden a soul beyond what it can bear — beyond your authority, beyond your capability, beyond your ability. I don't want people, when they fail to find this balance, to turn to depression and complete passiveness — and sometimes people even turn their back to everything and say, "You know what, just forget about everything." Why? Because they were never able to balance themselves when it comes to understanding that there is authority and there is responsibility.

Casual vs. Deep Relationships

Another thing I want to address when it comes to relationships: there are two types of relationships, and I want you to pay attention to this one.

هناك علاقات سطحية، وعلاقات عميقة.

There are casual relationships, and there are deep relationships. Acquaintances, people that you know, associates — and then there are friends, close friends. Someone who is truly near to you, with a very strong tie. If I ask you: which category is your relationship with your wife? Your relationship with your kids, your parents, your siblings? I'm sure all of you would say it should be the deep, strong one. That's what it's supposed to be — but the reality many times is very different. It's actually superficial, a very thin layer of relationship.

How Do You Know Which One You Have?

A casual relationship is all about facts, information, questions, and orders. That's it. "How are you doing? What's going on? What happened in school? What happened in your day? Did you do this? Did you do that?" A certain list of orders, facts, information. That's a superficial relationship. That's the kind of relationship you have on an airplane when someone is sitting next to you and you start looking for any conversation to begin. Unfortunately, so many of us have this kind of light relationship with our kids, our family members, and the people closest to us.

A deep relationship means a relationship where you express your love and your feelings. You know that when you turn to that person, they will help you, support you. You can tell that person your feelings, your secrets. And it's so important to understand this — so you don't fool yourself when it comes to relationships. You need to invest in those whom Allah has ordered you to have a deep relationship with, to make it deep, and to strengthen that relationship.

Don't turn your relationship with your children into just an informational relationship. "I know some facts about my kids" — but there's no strong connection. Sometimes, and I'm guilty of this like many of us, when you come and try to hug your kids, you can feel they're just waiting for you to let go. Why? Because we're not used to that. We're not used to being emotionally connected with people.

I know we are different kinds of people. I know we have different colors and styles. But Allah did not create us only with brains. Allah did not create us only with a list of tasks. We are also made as Allah said:

He made you of multiple things together — emotions, logic, feelings, soul, body, and physical things. But there is also a spiritual part of it. And we have to invest in that.

It is so important to tell you that a superficial and thin relationship can become deep and strong. But you have to be patient. You have to work hard to earn it. You have to work on it. It happens by design, by effort.

Love Is Not Instant

Also, when it comes to relationships with people, you have to understand that whenever you start a relationship, it begins with just knowing someone, and then they become your friend. And I'm saying this especially to young people who hear me today — the word love, and a strong feeling, it doesn't just happen instantly. Yes, Sheikh, you don't believe in love at first sight? No, I don't. And I challenge you. You might like someone at first sight. You might feel comfortable about someone. But the true meaning of love never happens like that. It happens when there is investment.

Love is like a tree. If you don't water it, if you don't give it the right environment, if you don't prepare the soil, if you don't protect it from parasites — it will die. That's why those people say, "Oh, I broke up with my fiancée, with my wife — I can't live without her." No, habibi, you will live. Don't worry. Just wait three or four months. So it's so important to understand that this kind of deep relationship is possible if you invest in it.

When you walk into a relationship with people and you just get to know them, it's like walking into a new land. You don't know what you're going to see. Is it going to be a dusty land or a smooth ride? Is it going to be rocky? Is it going to be dry? Is it going to be mountains or valleys? All kinds of people you deal with — like all kinds of different landscapes.

I like what one of my friends once said: "Relationships are like geography. But love and deep relationships are like history — because you make memories."

May Allah make us among those whom Allah gives the best understanding of how to deal with people with the best of manners.

Investing Time in Relationships

My brothers and sisters, one of the most important things when it comes to relationships and deepening them is investing time. I often say that kids especially spell the word love: T-I-M-E — time. Spending time with the one you want to strengthen the relationship with is essential. And it must be quality time — not time where everybody is busy on their phone, not time where everybody is watching TV. No — investing time to talk to each other, listen to each other, go for a drive together, have lunch or dinner together, spend a weekend together, spend a vacation together. That is quality time. It is a very meaningful thing to strengthen relationships.

SubhanAllah — Allah, when He mentions one of His favors upon one of the people of the past, He said that among the things He blessed him with: "I blessed you with children who are shuhud" — meaning they are with you. Because you can have children but not know where they are; they're all over the place. These children are around you, supporting you, with you, next to you. That is a great blessing.

And you know what — COVID showed us how much we don't know each other and don't know how to be around each other. Sometimes the only connection in the house is the Wi-Fi password. That's the only common thing between all of us. That's sad.

Anyway, I ask Allah to always give us success in our life.

A Word on the Crisis in Sudan

I would like to end this khutbah by mentioning that this Friday we have dedicated to remembering one of the biggest crises in the modern world today, which is in Sudan. Sudan is home to one of the world's largest internally displaced communities. 10.8 million people have been displaced from their homes. 25 million people face food insecurity in Sudan. 70 to 80% of hospitals are non-functional in Sudan today. Between the RSF — the Rapid Support Forces, known as Daam al-Sari' — and the SAF, the Sudanese Armed Forces, a devastating civil war is ongoing. 17 million children are out of school. Some areas are experiencing what many international organizations clearly recognize as ethnic cleansing.

This crisis is not in any shape or form less than what we see around the world today in Palestine and elsewhere. I hope that we create as much awareness about this as we can. We ask Allah to make it easy for everybody. I encourage each and every one of you to support your brothers and sisters. Tonight and Friday night, we will talk about tales and stories from Sudan's history — scholars and civilizations that many people don't know about from that part of the world.

May Allah make it easy for our brothers and sisters in Sudan and our brothers and sisters in Palestine. Our brothers and sisters who are also suffering after the earthquake in Afghanistan. And we ask Allah to make it easy on us here in our country and to protect us.

Du'a