Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of

Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of

Brothers and sisters, I wanted to approach in today's khutbah briefly the topic of ihsan, the topic of doing good when you don't feel good as you do good. And what I mean by that is that there's always this sentiment that the more corrupt the world becomes, the more our interpersonal relationships decay, the more our relationship with Allah collectively as mankind starts to decrease, the more those who seek to insist upon a higher way are going to be taken advantage of and are going to get what they call the short end of the stick. They're not going to get the benefits that most people get in this life by cheating, by being petty, by insisting upon matters of this world, by seeking to consume as much as they can of this world without any sense of conscience, not of Allah nor of anything else.

The Prophet's Example of Boundless Giving

SubhanAllah, when you look at the Prophet ﷺ, I want to start off with what this khutbah is not about. Rasulullah ﷺ, despite being a person who we can all agree was taken advantage of on multiple occasions, despite being the person who would be mobbed for sadaqah, mobbed for charity, asked questions in a harsh manner — the Prophet ﷺ, despite giving in every relationship of his more than what he received, both to those that rejected him and to those that accepted him. No one can say that they were a better sahib, that they were a better companion to the Prophet ﷺ than he was a sahib to them.

None of the family members of the Prophet ﷺ could say they were a better family member to him than he was to them, alayhis salatu wassalam. And of course his enemies, who never even acknowledged his goodness towards them. Despite all of that, Rasulullah ﷺ was a man who knew how to set boundaries for himself despite his boundless compassion.

He knew how to say no ﷺ when it was necessary to not enable a greater harm. That's why Surah Al-Hujurat was revealed — because the Prophet ﷺ, when he went home, was giving the haqq of his family upon him. And so no matter how loud you screamed at him or how much you banged on his door, Rasulullah ﷺ at that time was engaged in the haqq of those people inside his household upon him.

The Prophet ﷺ, despite being the most merciful person, and a person who was a mercy to mankind, he did not allow the harm that was shown to him to shut him down. Despite:

It is as if you would harm yourself — not that the Prophet ﷺ would actually self-harm, but that you're hurting yourself over your love for them. The Prophet ﷺ did not have any lack of zeal towards the message that he was actually spreading. He didn't cry all day and night to where he could not work the way that Allah taught him to work, despite having endured so much hardship from the people.

الَّذِي يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَيَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ — No one fits the description of someone who mixed with the people and tolerated their hardship more than Rasulullah ﷺ. Despite that, the Prophet ﷺ did not tolerate a climate of abuse, and he did not tolerate a climate of wrongdoing, and did not allow for that to happen to people that were around him.

You can't force ihsan on somebody else. You should force ihsan on the one who is dealing with someone else with cruelty — not on the one who's on the receiving end. You can encourage ihsan to that person, but you cannot tolerate the opposite of excellence and cruelty and put all of the burden on the other person.

But when the Prophet ﷺ himself was on the receiving end, he always opted for a higher ideal, for a higher level.

Reflecting on Those Who Gave More to Us

Now the question becomes: why is it that we often feel like maybe we're not getting anything in return for the goodness that we are doing towards others? First and foremost, you start with those who have done goodness to you and perhaps you did not repay them. And the perpetual prototype of that is the parents.

There is no person at the default who's taken advantage of more than a parent by their child. There is no person who fits the prototype more than that person — the parent — because the child cannot repay the parent. It's impossible. So you think about everyone that you have to repay.

Oftentimes when we feel like we're taken advantage of, or we feel like we did more for someone than what was done for us, that should cause us to reflect on those who did more for us than we did for them, and see how we can then be reminded. And that's the beauty of the child growing up and then recognizing, as they get into the age that their parents were at when their parents struggled with them — wow, this is what it's like. So they become activated towards a greater level of shukr to their parents, gratitude towards their parents.

But there's often this undertone when we show ihsan towards people, that all of that was for nothing. And indeed, subhanAllah, sometimes when it comes to worldly relationships, a person invests in a relationship and does and does and does and gets very little in return. And that can feel very harsh to a person — whether it's a relationship, or a marriage, or a friendship, or a colleague, or whatever it may be. It can feel that way.

Allah Does Not Let Good Deeds Go to Waste

But I wanted to, subhanAllah, underline how Allah addresses this in the Qur'an with something very interesting. Allah says:

Those who believe and do good — we do not let the good deeds of those good doers go to waste. The ayah is actually repetitive. Where Allah does not have to be repetitive from a linguistic perspective, to emphasize here that no person will ever do good in this life and it will not be rewarded by something better. And this is a theme throughout the Qur'an.

Now, there's a difference — I think we can all agree — towards doing better to someone who's also doing good towards you. What does that mean? The ulema say there's the level of when someone does ihsan towards you, or fulfills a basic requirement of gratitude towards you in a give-and-take relationship, and you always try to do better. Because there's no harm that's really embedded in that. So you count on the gap. And that's the most beautiful of relationships — when there are two people who are both competing for Allah's pleasure and so they're trying to out-ihsan one another, and you want to make sure that you're on the upper hand of that. And so Allah will fill the gap.

But then the ulema say, subhanAllah, that that's usually not the case — and that's why Allah says:

Be patient, because Allah does not let the goodness of the good doers go to waste. Wasbir, as Imam al-Tabari rahimahullah says, indicates that usually people of ihsan are going to be harmed. It is the norm of the world throughout all periods of history that usually people that are generous will be taken advantage of — generous not with their wealth per se, but generous with their spirit, generous with their energy, generous with their time, generous with their emotions. That usually people that do good and that have this as a mantra and a model in life, they're going to be harmed in the process. Because most people will devour that.

Imam al-Tabari's Commentary

And so he commented, he said:

(Tafsir al-Tabari, commentary on Quran 11:115)

Be patient, O Muhammad ﷺ, for the harm that you endure from your people as you try to give them Jannah. What is the Prophet ﷺ trying to get these people to do? He's trying to get them to go to Jannah. He's trying to take them to Jannah and they're throwing garbage in his face. So be patient, O Muhammad ﷺ.

No one of us is trying to give or is in a position with anyone else in our lives that the Prophet ﷺ was with his people. He's trying to give them Jannah — not trying to give them a gift, not trying to give them some kindness only. He's serving them Jannah ﷺ. And they're throwing garbage at him and kicking him and abusing him in the process. There's no greater discrepancy from a human-to-human perspective than the discrepancy between a messenger and his people who are rejecting him.

But:

(Tafsir al-Tabari, commentary on Quran 11:115)

This is so beautiful. Imam al-Tabari rahimahullah says, commenting on this ayah: Allah will not let the goodness that you do towards anyone else go to waste, especially in the capacity of da'wah. Rather, Allah will repay you with something that you will need more, in a time where you will need it more.

What does that mean? When someone says, "All of that was for nothing," Allah says:

Allah does not let the payment — the ajr, the reward — of the good doers go to waste. Not the efforts, the reward. Meaning: count on my ajr to fulfill what wasn't given back to you. And it will be given to you in a time when you will need it more, and it will be better than what the other person could have given back to you. It would be so much better, so much more powerful.

Responding to Evil with That Which Is Better

There's a beautiful, subtle difference in how Allah talks about, for example, how we respond to people in da'wah with that which is better. So the very famous ayah:

We all know this ayah. Allah says: respond to that which is evil with that which is better — it may be that the one that is your enemy becomes your protective friend. Does that always happen in da'wah? That's a worldly reward, a worldly gift. Does it always happen that when we respond with kindness to evil, that the evildoer turns and becomes a person who is kind towards you and relinquishes their hostility? No.

But Allah says in another ayah, speaking very similarly:

The ulema say: look at the difference between Surah Al-Ra'd and Surah Fussilat. Allah says: those who are patient and they establish the prayer, they worship Allah and they give charity in private and in public and they respond to that which is evil with that which is better — Allah will certainly grant them the best ending. There is no doubt about the Jannah part.

Meaning it's a bonus — it's a bonus — if your goodness towards these people results in them becoming good. That's a bonus. But the thing you can bank on is uqba al-dar. The ending that Allah will give you will be so much more worth it than anything that they could have given you in the process. And that's where the true nature of the believer is — that's where you shine.

Establishing the Ties of Kinship

The Prophet ﷺ says:

The one who is considered as someone who is establishing the ties of kinship is not the one who is merely reciprocating kindness. That's not who wasil al-rahim is. The Prophet ﷺ says the one who Allah is talking about when He talks about the reward of establishing the ties of kinship is the one who, when he is cut off, goes and reconciles. When you're cut off, you make the effort and you still go and you reconcile. You be that person who swallows the ego — not because of the person that you're going to reconcile with, but because of the reward of the One who put you on this earth with rights of that person upon you and rights of you upon that person.

He said ﷺ in another authentic narration:

(Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 17452; also reported in related wordings in other collections)

He said ﷺ: establish the ties with those who would cut you off, and give to those who withheld from you, and forgive those who wronged you. Meaning — that's where ihsan truly shows.

Again, he ﷺ did not tolerate a climate of abuse, and despite his boundless compassion he had his boundaries. But at some point, that person who says: "You know what, I will lower and lower and lower, because anything I decrease in this world for the sake of Allah is going to be increased from Him in a time where I will need it more and in a way that's better than I could have gotten it in this world."

Sadaqa of the Ego

And it's not just money we're talking about. SubhanAllah, if you read this hadith in its entirety — the hadith of Abu Hurairah radiAllahu anhu — where he said ﷺ:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2588)

When you take it all together, the Prophet ﷺ said: charity does not decrease wealth. Charity will never lead to a decrease in your wealth. What scares you when you're about to give charity — you start making calculations. "But there's a decrease here. I'm going to lose out on something if I give."

And he said ﷺ in that same vein: Allah will not increase you in the quality of al-afw — the quality of being forgiving and pardoning — except that Allah will actually honor you in the process. Think about the people in our congregation and the people that we know in our lives who are forgiving and merciful people. In the moment it might look like they're being humiliated, but they gain a place of honor. MashaAllah, that's such a well-composed person, such high character, was willing to put out the fire. Allah will increase you in honor, but in the moment you feel like you're getting humiliated. And so you think you're going to decrease in honor by being forgiving.

And the Prophet ﷺ said: no one humbles themselves for the sake of Allah except that Allah exalts them.

I'm going to end on this note insha'Allah ta'ala, because I think it's very powerful when you take these three themes together. We know the hadith — because we've been to a million fundraisers in the Muslim community — that when you're about to give sadaqa, 70,000 shayateen open their mouths and warn you of faqr, warn you of decrease, warn you of poverty. "Don't decrease your wealth for sadaqa, or else."

Now, Allah knows best, but for some of us to do sadaqa bil-'ird — with your honor and with your dignity — is harder than sadaqa with maal, harder than charity with your money. And so if 70,000 shayateen open their mouths when you're about to give from your money for the sake of Allah, imagine when you're about to give from your ego for the sake of Allah. Might even be 70,000 more shayateen, because the voice and the lure is so much more. "Do not give from your honor to this person."

And your response has to be — just like every time I give charity, it's not decreasing my wealth — when I humble myself for Allah and I give sadaqa of my ego for the sake of Allah, it's not decreasing me in anything. All that paranoia, all that fear from the shaytan to try to stop you from reconciling.

And we don't learn from these lessons. How many times do we feel a weight off of our chest when we humble ourselves to our brothers and our sisters and we reconcile? Why did you wait so long? Because those 70,000 mouths were open. Sometimes the human beings too: "Don't do it, it will decrease you. It will decrease you. It will decrease you. It will humiliate you. It will lower you. They don't deserve it."

You're right — they don't deserve it. But maybe you deserve it from Allah.

Closing: Giving for the Most Grateful

And so dear brothers and sisters, to feel like you've given up too much to an ungrateful one is natural. But to feel like you've given it up for the sake of the most grateful — ash-Shakur — is empowering. Because your life is a journey between you and Allah, and everyone that is placed in the path is a part of that journey between you and Allah.

May Allah allow us to always be willing to give for His sake. May Allah allow us to give of our ego, to give of our wealth, to give of whatever it may be, to seek His higher reward. May Allah never make us amongst those who act in ways that are fruitless or reckless. May Allah purify our intentions and reward us for our deeds. May Allah forgive our parents, may Allah have mercy on them as they raised us when we were young. May Allah make us a means of goodness for our wives and children and make us a guide for the righteous. May Allah help our oppressed brothers in the east and west. May Allah destroy the wrongdoers with the wrongdoers and bring out our brothers from among them who are safe.

O servants of Allah, indeed Allah commands justice, kindness, and giving to those who are near, and forbids immorality, evil, and transgression. He warns you, so that you may remember. So remember Allah — He will remember you — and thank Him for the blessings that He increases for you. And the remembrance of Allah is greater, and Allah knows best what you do. And establish the prayer.