Vitamins for Strengthening Personality and Healthy Relationships

Khutbah: Vitamins for Strengthening Personality and Healthy Relationships

Alhamdulillah, we praise Him, we ask for His help, we ask for His guidance, and we ask for His forgiveness. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evils of our souls and from the evils of our deeds. Whomsoever Allah guides, none can misguide him, and whosoever He misguides, none can guide him.

And I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, one and only, with no partner. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger. O Allah, send blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and upon his family and companions.

All praise is due to Allah and His praise and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, his family, his companions, and his followers until the Day of Judgment. I bear witness that Allah is the only one worthy of worship, and Muhammad ﷺ is His last and final Messenger.

The Strong Believer

My dear brothers and sisters, our Prophet ﷺ said:

"A strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than a weak one, and in each there is goodness." (Sahih Muslim, Book 46, Hadith 52)

Both have goodness in them. But we as Muslims, we should always strive to be strong. And strength here is a very general statement from many different aspects — to be strong financially, to be strong in your Iman, in your relationship with Allah, to be strong when it comes to your relationships. But what I would like to point out is the strength that has to do with your personality.

To work on your personality, to be strong when it comes to your personality and your behavior. To be strong from inside. To have a strong character.

And a strong character, in general, is a very attractive character. People like to be around strong people. It is a natural thing that we are pulled toward people that we see as strong. And when it comes to relationships, it is so important for us to maintain healthy relationships — that contributes to a strong life, a strong character, a strong personality.

A more stable, balanced character in life will enable you to go very far. It will also enable you to go much faster, and with less hindrance and with fewer failures in life. And the more you work on yourself to strengthen yourself from inside, in many different dimensions, the better person you'll be.

As the poet said of old:

What makes you a good human being is not just your looks, or what you possess. It is actually your character that determines how good of a person you are.

Types of Relationships

When it comes to our relationships with the people around us, there are different kinds.

1. Incidental Relationships — عَلاقات عَرَضِيَّة

There are relationships that are incidental. I am waiting in the waiting room in a hospital or an office and I get to see someone. I'm riding an airplane, and someone is next to me. I prayed next to someone and got to know him. These are temporary in nature. There are certain tools and certain points that can improve your ability to have these small talks, to connect with people instantly, to be comfortable around people — but that is not my focus today.

2. Beneficial Relationships — عَلاقات نَفْعِيَّة

There is also a relationship that is based on mutual benefits — I benefit from you, you benefit from me. Many people think that a relationship based on benefits carries a negative meaning, but what I mean by it is that we benefit from each other. I actually think that is a very healthy relationship. And it is a natural relationship, because every one of us needs someone else in their life. Nobody can survive alone. Nobody can do everything alone.

Once, Ibn Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, heard a man saying:

"O Allah, don't ever let me need anyone." Ibn Abbas said: "That man has prayed for his own destruction." Because even when you die, you need someone to bury you. It is a natural thing that we benefit from one another.

I want you to think about and reflect upon this: relationships that generally start with "I see that I will grow by knowing you, I will benefit from this relationship" — when they later transfer to love and attachment, they become one of the strongest and most beneficial, healthy relationships that can ever exist.

And maybe for this reason — I was not planning to speak about this until I saw many young people coming to the khutbah today — it is important for young people to understand that when it comes to the relationship with a future spouse, you have to make sure that the person you will marry is someone who will benefit you, and that there is mutual benefit. We strengthen each other. We complete one another. It is not just an emotional attachment — because emotional attachment goes up and down. So if it goes down, and there is no stronger tie holding it, and you see no benefit in each other's lives, the relationship will turn ugly. It will turn bad.

Versus when you know that this person is important in your life, that they can contribute a lot to you as a person, contribute to your success, contribute to your well-being, and so on. This kind of relationship is good, as long as it is not the only thing keeping you connected, or as long as it is not purely temporary in nature where once the mutual benefit ends, everyone simply moves on.

3. Obligatory Relationships — عَلاقات إِلزامِيَّة

There is also what I might call obligatory relationships — relationships you are obligated toward and cannot get out of. Like what? Your parents. Your siblings, your cousins, your relatives, your neighbor. These are relationships that must be maintained and kept strong. They become obligatory either because they are part of our religion, or because of social norms — co-workers, for example. These are situations I am in, and I have to maintain the ties, I have to maintain these relationships.

4. Emotional Relationships

There are also emotional relationships — when I get attached to someone, when I like someone, when my heart responds before my mind, when I feel pulled toward a person. That can be healthy, and it can also be very unhealthy. That is a very risky area. That is why Imam Ahmad, rahimahullah, when he explained the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ:

"None of you should expose himself to a trial he cannot bear." (Referenced by Imam Ahmad rahimahullah in his explanation of this principle)

Imam Ahmad gave as an example of such a trial: this strong attachment to someone. That strong, overwhelming love. It can become such a powerful emotional force. That is why you should only give it to the person who is truly worth it.

5. Toxic Relationships — عَلاقات مَرَضِيَّة

And then there are relationships that are very unhealthy — toxic relationships. And the worst of these toxic relationships is when the relationship becomes one of total dependency. Somebody completely depends on you. The problem with somebody who depends entirely on one person is that they see their whole life as revolving around that one person — and that is just not right.

There is only one thing in this universe that your life should completely depend on, which is Allah. That is it. No other human being should ever have that level in your life.

Think of the letter A. Two lines leaning on each other with something connecting them in between. But if one of those two sides decides to stand independently and go straight, what happens? The whole thing falls. That is the "A" relationship — you cannot survive without the other person, you always need them with you. That is not the healthiest relationship.

And worse than the A is the T — when you are completely dependent on someone. If that person moves, the whole thing collapses. That is just not right.

What you need to learn — no matter who it is, your spouse, your parents, your children — is to always aim for the healthiest relationship, which you can picture as the letter H. Where you stand by yourself, and the other person stands by themselves, and there is a connection between you. You are connected. You feed each other's strength.

Three Things to Remember in Relationships

First: More Relationships Mean More Responsibilities

The more relationships you build in life, the more responsibilities you will have.

As a shaykh, as a public figure, it is very hard to maintain that. If somebody becomes popular and builds relationships — not just knowing somebody, but truly building relationships — with too many people, they fail to maintain them, and become burdened with responsibilities. At one point, everybody became mad at you. You commit yourself to ten different WhatsApp groups, ten different community responsibilities, five different family gatherings — and all of these responsibilities pile up on your shoulders. It becomes so heavy. And it turns into what I call toxic, unhealthy relationships. Your family says, "Baba, we don't see you." Your relatives say, "We haven't seen you in so long." Your community says, "Where are you?" Everybody wants a piece of you. And it becomes crazy.

That is why: do not build that strong relationship except with people you know you can bear the responsibility of. Because the worst thing is to start a relationship and not give it its due rights.

As they say:

Give everyone their due right. Make yourself like a home — only those who are dear to you and close to you live in it. Don't be like the train, where the whole community can ride it. No.

Second: The More Enemies You Have, the Less Space You Have

The more enemies you have, the less space you have in this world. The world becomes smaller and smaller. Because you find yourself saying: "I'm not going to this doctor because I had a fight with his secretary." "I'm not going to this mechanic shop because we had a fight." "I'm not going to this masjid because the imam is not nice to me." "I'm not going to sit in this city because I don't want to see this person." And everywhere you want to go, you find an enemy — you end up sitting at home. And even at home, you had a fight with your daughter so you stay in your room. It is ridiculous.

The more enemies you have in the world, you become a prisoner. So maybe the healthiest thing is to reduce the number of enemies you have in your life. Free them. Let them go. A wise man once said: the prison guard is also a prisoner. When can that guard go home? When the prison is empty. When there is no one left in it. He can finally go home and relax. Same thing — free your heart from all these enemies and see how free you will be. How spacious the world will look.

Third: Elevate Yourself and the World's Problems Look Small

Have you ever seen the earth from a distance? Like in one of those documentaries where you go into space and look down to earth — how does your city look? Small. How does your home look? You can't even see it. The higher you go, the smaller this world looks.

And I will tell you: the higher you go and the higher a standard of life you adopt — when you adopt good character, when you elevate yourself — the moment you do that, you will see that so many of the things that used to ruin your life and trouble your life look so small. So petty. You don't think about them anymore.

We see this as we get older — we don't care as much, we are somehow above it. Why can't you do this when you're young? Always remind yourself: "I am going to elevate myself. I am going to go higher. I am not going to lower myself to that level." I don't care if someone said bad words to me or cut me off in traffic — I will not ruin my whole day over it. Just let it go. Who cares? You are much higher and much bigger than this. And the more you learn to deal like this, the more you keep yourself strong, keep your sanity, and the more you become successful in your life.

May Allah grant us and you the best of knowledge and deeds.

Second Khutbah: Confidence — A Vitamin for Your Character

All praise is due to Allah alone, and salutations and peace be upon the one after whom there is no prophet. When you read the story of Yusuf, alayhi salam, there is one thing that always shocks me. When Yusuf, alayhi salam, said to his brothers:

"I am Yusuf, and this is my brother." I love that verse. He did not say, "I am the king of Egypt." Or "I am the minister." Because by now he has a very high status. But his confidence did not come from a title, from a position, from his kingship, from his role in the government, from a degree, or from wealth. No.

Your confidence comes from accepting yourself, trusting yourself, respecting yourself, loving yourself — without being arrogant. I love that statement of Yusuf, alayhi salam. If you want one of these vitamins to strengthen your character and improve your relationships: have confidence in yourself. Don't let your strength come from something external.

Yes, I'm not naive. I know that wealth, titles, age, and social status all contribute to how people view you and respect you. Wealth will contribute. Titles give you an instant advantage. Age gives you an advantage. I know that. I agree. But all of these are secondary things. They will not benefit you anything if from inside you do not have confidence in yourself. Even if you have none of these external things, what will make you strong, respected, loved, and cherished is when you look at yourself and see yourself as someone of worth. That self-worth is so important. That is the strength. That is what you call a strong personality.

Signs of Weakness in Personality

Don't ever be a weak person. I know weak people when I see them — they exaggerate how perfect they are. They are actually empty. I know weak people when I see them — they are always angry. They are trying to cover something up with that anger and loud voice. I know they are weak when they always talk about how vulnerable they are, how miskeen they are, how they are always a victim — always, always, always talking about that. That is weakness, not strength. I know weak people when I see them — they always criticize others. One criticism after another, never satisfied with anything. That shows weakness in the personality.

The Balance of the Strong Person

Strong people are balanced. They have a sense of humility — they are humble — and at the same time, they are not arrogant. They don't dismiss others. They see the needs of others. Musa, alayhi salam, was one of the strongest personalities in the Quran. Yet Musa, alayhi salam, said to Allah:

"My brother Harun speaks much better than me." That is a strong person — recognizing the strength in others, knowing how that strength will benefit them and complete them, and not feeling threatened by it.

Hopefully, in the future, we can talk more about things that improve our character and strengthen it. Because things like this can help us go very far in our lives. Our religion looks to build us from many different dimensions so that we become a good human being, a good Muslim, a good father, a good employer, a good employee, a good leader, and so forth.

Du'a — Closing Supplication

May Allah forgive our sins, improve our character, and bring love, tranquility, peace, and strength to our lives. And we ask Allah to bring a quick and fast relief to our brothers and sisters who are suffering in many places in the world, especially our brothers and sisters in Gaza and Palestine. We ask Allah to bring justice to them, to forgive us and them, to heal them, to have mercy on them, to lift them up, to hasten their liberation, to deal with those who have transgressed and wronged them, and to revert the treacherous plots against them, O Lord of Glory and Honor. And may He make the end of their affair, and the affair of the Muslims, a good one.

O Allah, we ask You, O Lord of Glory and Honor, to protect us in our wealth, our families, and our progeny. O Allah, grant us Your grace and favor, O Living, O Self-Sufficient One. O Allah, have mercy on them and have mercy on our parents, as they raised us when we were young, O Lord of Glory and Honor. And improve our progeny, O Living, O Self-Sufficient One. O Allah, we ask You for guidance and for forgiveness of our sins.