Khutbah: Post-Marriage Problems in the Muslim Community

And I don't claim that I have a solution for it. So don't expect me to give you a solution for this crisis, because it's bigger than me, bigger than you as one community, single community, and bigger as one event. It's much bigger than this.

But at least we need to acknowledge, we need to understand, we need just to admit the fact that we really do have a crisis, we have a problem that we have to, you know, speak about publicly. Hopefully, inshallah, we can solve it. I would like to highlight this issue from a personal perspective to show my support, to show my support for those brothers and sisters, those who got married and they didn't work out very well and they divorced.

I would like to show my support for the brothers and sisters that are single parents, single mothers and single fathers who are living, you know, sometimes they are suffering silently. Why? Because they are on their own. They have to work things on their own and no one really kind of, I would say, know about their suffering or their pains.

And we only see that public image of them whenever they come out and they meet people and so on, not realizing how much they endure really just to survive within a Muslim community that unfortunately is very judgmental when it comes to the subject of marriage and divorce. Also, this is to show my support for the brothers and sisters who committed no crime other than losing their spouse by the Qadr of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. The widows and widowers who leave behind also children and they stay now, they are just kind of trying to have another chance.

They would like to get married like everybody else. But unfortunately, again, they are stigmatized and there are so many obstacles out there to prevent them from fulfilling that beautiful, beautiful perhaps maybe experience in life. I would like to share with you insha'Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala some of these just experiences.

Again, from a personal perspective, when you heard me basically, I lived about 15 months really as a single father of three children living together with me subhanallah. Some of the things I was going through these 15 months, the experience I was going through, it's not just about admiring the role of mothers, wallahi, and what they do exactly to make things masha'Allah perfect in life and so on. It's not just that.

Many of the thoughts that are coming to my mind is about those brothers and sisters who live like single parents. When they live single parents and they try to raise children, I have no idea how they would do it. Wallahi, they are superhuman beings.

Just living on their own, they have to work, to go to work, they have to take their kids to school, bring them back again from school, they have to provide for them for living, food, clothing, and not just that. You know, this is the easiest part. Ask any parent, they will tell you that.

Wallahi, this is the easiest part to provide the material aspects of life for the children. But the hardest thing that you have to deal with as a single parent is the emotional aspect, the emotional nutrition of your children. How are you going to nurture these kids as they grow up without the other parent in their lives? Whether it's by the Qadr of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala due to the fact that one of them died or maybe because of a personal decision that you chose to basically break up and finish that relationship.

How are you going to raise these children in a very healthy environment? I'm not saying that they all fail. Many of them, masha'Allah, led a successful life, a very happy life. But for many, it is a struggle.

And again, speaking from my personal experience as an imam, as a counsellor, I receive a lot of these messages and letters where brothers and sisters, they ask and they demand that we highlight their concerns and their issues in the community. Why not? Why can't we just accept that? And sometimes parents come to me, and they're very angry and very upset. Why? Because they have such wonderful kids, masha'Allah, but they're denied marriage at this age, the prime age of marriage, simply because they belong to a single-parent family.

It's a reality. And we're going to have to deal with this issue, insha'Allah, ta'baraka wa ta'ala. So, even though it might be nothing that doesn't make you feel comfortable hearing or talking about this, I want to share with you these things, insha'Allah, about how the Muslim community deals with these issues.

Issues Faced by the Muslim Community

Number one, we were made to believe that divorce is a better solution than working or maintaining a difficult relationship. In many cases, we've been believed to do so. So, sometimes we actually encourage that without being ready to hold the responsibility of afterwards.

You know, I know so many people, when I ask them, so why did you make that decision? Well, I was kind of rushed into it. Why? My friends, my family, this and that, basically people, they ask them to divorce, only then to find themselves that they're basically in a bigger problem than when they were before. And now, when they want to rectify the situation, it becomes very hard for them to deal with that.

I remember, actually, I received a phone call from a young lady who was crying. You know, her husband, eventually they're going through this whole issue of divorce, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, I said, okay, fine, you meet me close to this place, we'll go together, insha'Allah, ta'ala.

So, we drove all the way. Eventually, I said, you meet me by your house. And when we arrived there, and I spoke with the husband, we got into the house, we talked about it, subhanAllah, the family came in and they interfered and they just pushed the whole agenda of divorce.

No, that's it, it's over, blah, blah, blah. And I said, no, don't do it. I said, I know you both guys.

I know your parents, they love you so much, they would like the best for you, blah, blah, blah. But I know you both better than your parents knowing, you know, both parties. I don't think divorce is the best solution for it.

So, subhanAllah, the kid, eventually, he just took his family's opinion and went with divorce. Then, the iddah started. And within after two months, suddenly, I received this phone call from this young man, and he's very stressed out.

I said, what's going on? He goes, Sheikh, I think I made a big mistake. I said, so what do you mean by that? He said, what are you going to do? SubhanAllah, alhamdulillah, we work things together, bismillah, alhamdulillah, they're back together right now. And for more than a year right now, hopefully, inshallah, happily ever after, inshallah ta'ala.

But what I'm saying is that sometimes we think that, yeah, divorce is better than working on a difficult relationship. And number two, we were made to believe that marriage is my personal thing. And no one has the right to dictate to me how to do it.

But then, we expect everybody to be there for me if it didn't work out. You know what comes to marriages? It's just unbelievable how the young guys, they think it's their personal project. They want to get married just for the heck of it, that's all.

They have nothing in their mind regarding what's the meaning of it, the 30 years to come to live together, that this marriage is going to result with children, and you guys are going to be living for the sake of Allah, subhanAllah, and for these children together for so many years to come. And you're going to have to endure a lot of hardships and so on. They don't think of that.

They only think of it as a personal project. And therefore, when they take the initiative on their own, and they get married, but eventually, if things didn't work out, they expect everybody to support them. They want everybody now to help them out because I'm in trouble right now.

So you need guys to understand, marriage is not just your personal project. You are part of the whole dynamic of the marriage institution. And this has been designed by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in the Qur'an and the Sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). So if you're going to do it, do it properly.

And for those who have taken love notes with me, I think you guys learned a lot of stuff about this issue right now. Right? For those who haven't taken, too bad. So eventually, you're going to have to learn it and have to take education as a parent so that you know what to discuss with your children.

And for the young one, you need also to learn and understand, it's not just about you. It's much more than just you getting married. You're going to become part of the entire actual institution of marriage in the whole society.

Number three, I understand that divorce could be the only and last resort to a dramatically failing relationship. But our society and Muslim community equate that with ultimate failure in life. For us, you know, we have this kind of judgment.

If someone is divorced, what does that exactly mean? They failed. I mean, why? Even Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says,

"if you hold them, in kindness. And if you release them, also in kindness and perfection."

Even divorce can be done with perfection. And even Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in times such as divorce, He says,

Don't forget about the good times that you spend with each other. And people when they divorce, unfortunately they want to eat each other alive.

They want to rob each other as much as they can. When Allah says,

There's got to be some good time that you guys spend with each other. It's impossible that you haven't enjoyed a few moments, a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, whatever.

Just don't forget about those beautiful times. Even at a time like this, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is highlighting that which is good. So considering divorce as an ultimate failure, that's not fair.

That's again, it's a judgment. And I believe that divorced people, they deserve a second chance in life. They deserve.

If they want, of course. We're not imposing anything. But if they want it, they actually should be given that opportunity.

The opportunity should be open for them as well. Number four. We treat, as a Muslim community, we treat divorce or divorcee as a status, not as a person.

And therefore when you hear about someone being divorced, that's it. Done. There is no even inquiry about who he is, who is she, is she good, is he this, nothing.

It's just a status. The moment that seal is stamped, khalas. No more inquiry, no more human element or interaction with that person.

Why? Again, it's still because of the stereotypes we have about this issue. And in many ways, we put in our mind that this is something dysfunctional. Because of it, it's a dysfunctional matter.

And therefore, you know, I should not be dealing with that. Also in addition to that, in many, many people's mind, I know it's very hard to hear these words. But that's what I really hear from the brothers and sisters when they talk to me about this issue.

They say that basically it seems that the status of being divorced, translates in many people's minds as being disabled. It's to that limit. That it means when you marry someone of that situation, it just basically, they are psychologically traumatized.

You're going to have to be like a therapist for the rest of your life for them. That's what they think. Who told you that? I met so many people, mashallah, they're very happy.

Specifically after divorce. Why? Because really marriage was a trauma for them. And being out of it is happiness and joy.

So there is two sides of that story. It depends, case by case scenario. So dealing with everything like a disabled or diseased or dysfunctional in the community, that's not fair.

Also, divorcees, and talking specifically about sisters over here, especially single mothers, are ostracized and forced to live like an outcast in the community. That's why they build cliques. And almost in every single Muslim community I've seen, the sisters, they don't have this community support system.

So they had to depend on each other. And they create this cult for themselves. This clique.

And you can tell they always go together, they always go shopping, they always have social gathering together. I'm going to come why they do that. But that's something that unfortunately, as a culture, we force that on them.

And then we blame them for it. When we were forced to take that direction in life, then we blame them for that. And finally, we still as a Muslim community, even though we live now in the 21st century, such a very intellectual society, mashallah, intelligent community and people and so on, we're still treating divorce as a stigma.

Still. It is treated as a stigma, which means that sometimes we force people to feel guilty. We force them to feel guilty to take that route.

If Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala made it there in the Qur'an, maybe not the most favorable, but if Allah still made it there for them in the Qur'an, and sahaba did that, ulama did that. It's just part of life sometimes. But we still force them to feel guilty for doing that.

It's a stigma. And we just kind of force them to live with that. So, based on this, and of course it's worse when the case is the case of widow or widower.

If a lady's husband died in a car accident, for example, or in the hospital, or may Allah protect you all, for example, with cancer and so on. If the father died and leaving the wife with two young children, for instance, what crime did she commit to be ostracized and just kind of pushed to the side because there is no room for her in the society. There is no room for her in the institution of marriage if she wanted to get married.

Why? What's the problem with this? You see, I want to share with you ten, when I communicate with these brothers and sisters, specifically single parents sometimes in many cases, and they kind of start venting and they express their grief and sorrow about the situation they're going through and so on. Here is, I want to share with you ten points, ten most popular points I hear from them about their grievances basically and their complaints.

Ten Grievances from Single Parents

Number one, they said when divorce happens, that's what they complain about, the brothers and sisters in the community. When divorce happens, they say we don't know where to turn for emotional support. Forget about the financial support. Financial support, we still have a job.

When we get divorced, that doesn't mean we just retire right away. We might take a few days off, but then we're going to have to move on with life. So we still have our jobs.

But in many Muslim communities, they say for emotional support, it seems that there is nobody to turn to for emotional support. And they sometimes feel emotionally betrayed by the very same family that nurtured them, that loved them when they were young. Even their own family, their parents.

You deserve it. You asked for it. This and that.

It's just like, who else is left for me? If I'm hearing these words from my own siblings, my brothers and sisters, from my own parents, let alone from outside communities, subhanallah, it becomes very, very troubling for them. So they say, we don't have that emotional support in the community.

Number two, they say when divorce happens, everyone thinks that they will become financially dependent on them. They say, whenever divorce happens, everybody starts thinking that, oh, here we go again. She is going to be dependent on us right now, financially. And the masajid, they think, whenever there's a divorce case, that the imam has to sign on that paper, that means she's going to be put on the payroll of the masjid.

That you're going to have to give her monthly allowances or whatever. Maybe in some cases, as you know, emergency situations. But that doesn't mean that they need your money.

They need much more than that. They need much more important things than this, such as emotional support and spiritual support as well.

Number three, when these sisters come to the masjid, here's what they complain about. When these sisters come to the masjid, they don't find help in the men's section to take care of their boys during salah time. A single mom, she has an 11-year-old boy. She comes to the masjid, she wants her child to grow up in the masjid.

She doesn't have a brother. She doesn't have a family member nearby to take her son to the masjid. And with all due respect, she might not trust just a neighbor who's going to the masjid taking her son alone.

It's not going to work like this. So she feels obliged to make sure her son sees the male figure, at least in a place such as the house of Allah. She goes there, and she hopes that her son will be welcomed by someone who would nurture that love for him, at least teach him the deen of Allah.

Growing up in a healthy environment in the masjid, only to see that her son was rejected, or maybe complained about, or, who's the father of this child? Go to your mom! And this and that, subhanallah, they feel so hurt. And eventually they leave the masjid. They don't feel welcome when they bring their children to the masjid.

And we don't have a system even to begin with. If we know that there's some sister that don't have, let's say, a husband, and they have children of that age, a youth director, a mentor, whatever programs need to be developed for these children so that, inshallah, they don't feel outsiders when they come to the masjid.

Number four. Divorcees, they feel cut off from the community. And when I say divorcees, I also include, of course, the widows. They feel that they are completely cut off from the community.

They don't receive the warm welcome into the houses of many, many families. You know, when they hear specifically Ramadan, Ramadan comes, everybody invites everybody else, right? But in many cases, why do you invite these people in Ramadan? Why do we invite these people? Guess what? Because they invited us last year. So, there is some sort of exchange of social services over here.

But inviting this, let's say, you know, brother who has two kids, doesn't have a wife, or this sister doesn't have a husband, I mean, you don't expect to return the service afterwards. So, the social obligation is not there. So, they feel cut off from the Muslim community as a result of that.

And again, here I'm talking about the Muslim community. They are treated as bad amen or bad luck even. When they come to a house, no, no, no, no.

You know what? I don't know. So, subhanAllah, just like they're afraid that if a divorced brother comes to the gathering, that everybody is going to get divorced next day. Why? Because he spoiled all the

husbands, Allahumma sta'an.

Not necessarily. It doesn't happen that way.

Number five. Worse than that. Some sisters, they complain that their married friends, once they were their best friends, they become very suspicious of them after divorce. Thank you very much.

Many sisters, they lose their friendship with many, many of their original friends. They have been friends for many, many years. Why? Because suddenly they become suspicious of their divorced friends.

Why? I don't know. Maybe she's going to steal my husband. Wallahi, you know what? If you didn't keep your husband around, that's your problem.

But, it's not her problem that she was divorced. And she's still your friend, the exact same person, who you've known for so many, many years. The only thing, maybe she's coming to you now because she might need that extra emotional support for some time, until she stand, inshaAllah ta'ala, on her feet.

But again, thinking that these women in the community are on a mission to steal husbands from other women and so on and so, that's not fair. That's another judgmental kind of behavior in the community. And it's not fair.

Number six. Divorces are forced to create an unofficial sisterhood pact. On their own.

And they have rules and they have cliques and it becomes like a cult. And just like I said earlier, then we blame them for acting like this. We start blaming, yeah, they are making their own thing.

Yeah, but because they are not welcome in the general thing. And if you truly want to help out, then you have to open up all these activities and programs, create a venue for them and create a system for them, inshaAllah ta'ala.

Number seven. Single parents and particularly single mothers, they feel extremely, extremely hurt when families who have children of the age of their children refuse to let their kids associate with theirs. I know it's so Allah, it's so hard to even think about it. When you have five, seven years old child of a single mother and you just don't want your kid to kind of get attached to this child in the kind of like the playroom and all the stuff and so on.

Why? Well, I don't want them to learn bad habits from them. Again, we are still judgmental. We think of the people the wrong way.

Number eight. And by the way, actually number eight. Divorcees, they feel very hurt when people think that their problem is solved with marriage again.

Like most of these divorcees in our perception, perhaps that they're miserable. May Allah be with them. They always cry day and night and all the stuff.

Why? Why do you think that way? Maybe they're making ibadah better than you, wallahi. Maybe they have such a very happy life, alhamdulillah rabbil alameen. So thinking that the only way we can solve their problem is to get them married again, inshallah ta'ala, that might not be the right solution at that time.

Give it to them. It's their choice if they want to. But for you, it's just treat them like you treat anybody else.

That's all what they're asking for is to be accepted in the community like anybody else.

Number nine. Divorced people might live happy life and they might sacrifice their lives for their lovely children.

But, and that's one of the biggest problems these women and even brothers sometimes they have to go through. And it stays with them, just like I said, being a stigma, it stays with them even after they become, and their kids become adults.

How is that? The stigma follows their children like a curse.

Why? Because when they go and propose, these women and these men actually they complain that their children are denied amazing prospects for marriage on pretext of the history of their parents with marriage. When they know that, oh, you know what, his parents were divorced, so that's a big problem. His parents were divorced, that's another big problem.

So, we take this as basically we kind of stigmatize even the children for perhaps maybe for the 10th generation. Some people, they dig deep into the genealogy to see, did any of your forefathers ever divorce? Anyone? Why? Why do you have to take it to that level? So, you take it as easy as possible. Again, it's not their fault, and they shouldn't be judged based on if you consider the mistake even of their parents.

And finally, this is last but not least, divorced brothers and sisters hate it. They hate that, wallahi, when people don't want to marry them because of their children. There are many sisters out there who have maybe one child, one year, two years.

And then, mashallah, they're very lovely, they're very young, and they're very active, and they're amazing people. But it just didn't work out with the first husband. Sometimes it's the brother.

And the lady, she just dumped the child on him and she left. So now he has a child, or one or two perhaps. But he's such an amazing man.

And he could be an amazing husband and father as well. But we have this issue again, the stigma, that I'm not going to be responsible to raise the child of somebody else. Why? Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم), when he proposed to Umm Salama, radiyallahu ta'ala anha wa ardaaha, she said, Ya Rasulullah, I'm okay with that.

However, I have three problems. I have three issues with this. She mentioned her age, that she was older.

I mean, she's an older woman, basically, kind of not the youngest. He said, he's still older. And she complained that she's a very jealous woman.

(Source Name)

The Prophet says, I'll make dua and I will take care of this for you, inshallah wa ta'ala, to make it easier.

And the third one, she said, I have kids, which means I'm a single mom. It's not one or two kids, I have kids.

(Source Name)

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) he says, your kids are my kids. And that was it, problem solved. Means no question asked.

That is the Sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and I know I'm speaking ideals for many over here. They consider them like ideals. Oh, I wish we could go back all the way to this time.

But we can still implement that like the Shaykh mentioned. We hold on to the example of Rasulullah (صلی الله عليه وسلم). These principles of Rasulullah (صلی الله عليه وسلم).

Here's a disclaimer I want to mention again. Some sisters and brothers don't really look for sympathy or empathy over here. So I'm not here kind of also judging all those who basically were divorced.

I'm not judging everybody here. Some of them don't really need that sympathy or empathy. All what they actually need, they're very happy, just like I said, they're very, very happy in their life, alhamdulillah rabbil alameen.

But what they really see is that that unfair treatment, the unfair treatment that they're seeing from the community regarding their situation. And they just need to be treated like anybody else within that community. And as I said, I was not here bringing any, this issue up to give you solutions right now because it's bigger than me, bigger than this convention, bigger than any actual single community.

It's a huge effort. This is a community's responsibility and all need to be involved. Imams, Islamic centers, families, teachers, everybody needs to be responsible for this.

This is not, again, I give another disclaimer here, this is not a call to loosen the ties of marriage and giving justification for divorce for any reason. I know some people might say, alhamdulillah, so that means halas, yallah, bismillah. I'm not saying that either.

I'm not saying that this is justification right now. We're taking this as a pretext to go and say, okay, so it's okay, so it's easy then. No, it's not.

Still, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala did not favor that for the Muslim ummah and Rasulallah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) did not favor that. He always say, hold on to your spouse. Even in the case of Usama, Zayd ibn Harith radiyallahu anhu, and his wife at the time, Zainab.

He says,

"Hold on to your spouse and fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala." Always. So it's better to try to work it out together, inshallah wa tabarakah wa ta'ala.

This issue requires really from us as a Muslim community living in the West here to move on towards a new cultural shift. We're going to have to accept it's going to keep going on and moving. Things will change whether we like it or not.

But are we going to be driving that change positively or are we going to be just watching until that change is forced upon us? This discrimination against divorced brothers and sisters got to stop. This discrimination, unofficial discrimination, it actually got to stop and got to come to an end. And the views of marriage as they are dictated by the common culture these days also sooner or later will face a new reality.

If this trend, if this trend keeps growing chances that the next generation will see this issue completely differently. It will become very human for them, different than ours for us today, like cultural thing. It's going to be a human issue for them and therefore they won't really care about all these cultural things that we're going through these days.

Until then we will keep working inshallah on making the community more understanding, tolerant and accepting of the reality that we hate and dislike. That marriage sometimes just doesn't work. And in this case they basically ended with divorce.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make your marital life successful in this dunya and make it inshallah a cause for you to enter al-jannah. And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala fill your marital life with love and mercy, passion and compassion.

And for those who are still single, may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala provide you with this spouse who will be the comfort of your eyes and heart in this dunya and the akhira.

Closing