Abdul Rahman Chao - Self-Esteem

الحمد لله نحمده ونستعينه ونستغفره ونعوذ بالله من شرور أنفسنا ومن سيئات أعمالنا من يهدي الله فلا مضل له ومن يضلل فلا هادي له وأشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له وأشهد أن محمداً عبده ورسوله

All praise is due to Allah. We praise him, we seek his assistance and we seek his forgiveness. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evil that is within ourselves and from the evil that results from our actions. Whomsoever Allah guides, none shall misguide. And whomsoever Allah allows to be led astray, none shall guide them back to the straight path. I bear witness that there is no god worthy of worship except Allah. And I bear witness that Prophet Muhammad is his final messenger and prophet.

Allah tells us in the Quran: O you who believe, be God-conscious, for Allah deserves you to be feared. And do not die except as Muslims. O mankind, fear your Lord and be God-conscious who has created you from one soul and from it it's made, and from it many men and many women. And fear Allah by the rights that you ask of one another and by the ties of kinship. Verily Allah is ever watchful over you. O you who believe, be God-conscious, fear Allah and speak the truth. He will render your deeds righteous and he will forgive your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and his messenger has indeed achieved a great victory.

Verily the best speech is the speech of Allah and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad. And the worst of affairs is that of the religious innovation, for all that is misguidance and that misguidance leads to hell.

The Battle of Uhud: A Lesson in Self-Esteem

After the pagan Meccans were thoroughly defeated in the battle - the first battle of Islam, the Badr - they were eager to get revenge. They were eager to settle the score. And then within just a year or so, instead of meeting outside of Medina, the pagan Meccans marched onto Medina itself - a full frontal assault onto the Prophet.

And when the Prophet encamped his soldiers, he had the mountain of Jabal Uhud behind him. And he noticed that there was a group of cavalry soldiers led by Khalid ibn Walid, who wasn't Muslim at that time, off to the west. And right there was also a small hill to the west. So he ordered that 50 archers be stationed on that mountain, on that little hill. And he said to them with clear instructions: Do not come down from this mountain because if you do, something bad is going to happen. In fact, even if you see us being killed and the birds are coming and eating from us, do not come down this mountain under no circumstances.

So he placed his platoon of 50 archers onto this mountain so as to prevent Khalid ibn Walid from outflanking the Muslims. As the battle progressed, the Muslims were on the cusp of victory. And right when it was thought that it was done and dusted, the people - the overwhelming majority of the archers on the mountain - became overly eager to join the other Muslims to gather the war spoils. So some of them started descending from the mountain.

And a few of them would say, "The Prophet ordered us not to come down this mountain. He gave us clear instructions." And the reasoning given was, "The battle is over. We don't need to be on this mountain anymore." So the majority of them descended from this mountain and they started gathering the war spoils.

And at that moment, Khalid ibn Walid - he noticed this golden opportunity. And so he charged from around this unguarded side of the Muslim army - exposed flank. He brought his cavalry around and he thoroughly routed the Muslims. So much so that so many of the great Sahaba were killed in this battle. So much so that the Prophet himself had broken one of his lateral incisors. The Prophet was hit in the face - bashed in the face. People were coming up and trying to shoot arrows at the Prophet.

And after all this was done, the Muslims ended up losing in this battle because of the direct disobedience that they had gone against what the Prophet had ordered them. And because they had rushed to judgment and because they didn't remember or they didn't realize what would happen if they came down this mountain, it resulted in a humiliating loss for the Muslims. Many of them, their collective self-esteem was shattered.

Allah's Response: A Verse of Hope

Allah sent down a verse to boost their self-esteem, to give them hope, to reassure them, to remind them of who they were. Allah says:

Do not weaken, do not falter. Do not disgrace yourselves. Do not weaken وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا وَأَنتُمُ الْأَعْلَوْنَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ - And do not be sad. Do not despair وَأَنتُمُ الْأَعْلَوْنَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ - And you are indeed superior if you are truly believers.

Allah sent down this verse to teach the believers that your identity, your view of yourself shall never be eclipsed by one thing only. That one mistake that you make doesn't define you for the rest of your life. And while they had indeed made this fatal mistake of not listening to the Prophet and they now reap the consequences, yet Allah is trying to remind them: You are indeed superior if you are believers.

Self-Esteem in Modern Times

Brothers and sisters, we are living in a time where we see a wide spectrum of views regarding how you view yourself, self-esteem, self-value. And you will see, on some extent, to some extent on one side you will see people taking surfeit measures to the point that it almost is unnaturally boosting your ego in the name of "You are the best and you are amazing and you are always loved," etc. And this is good for some people, but sometimes a little bit too much of that makes a person a little bit deluded about themselves.

And then on the other hand, you have the other extreme due to certain failed parenting techniques where we use shaming and humiliation all the time as a technique to keep people in line. Sometimes people will say these kind of things: "You are worthless and you are this and that and how dare you" - completely annihilate your self-esteem.

The Islamic Perspective on Self-Worth

And brothers and sisters, if we want to understand the meaning of self-esteem - تقدير النفس وقيمة النفس - and the value of yourself, you have to look back to the Quran. And it is filled with examples of how Allah has honored you as humans and as believers.

First and foremost, Allah had the angels prostrate to Adam. In fact, before that, Allah created Adam with his two hands. Allah did not create any other creation directly like the way how He created humans. Allah breathed the soul into Adam. Allah told the angels to prostrate to Adam. Allah created you in the best proportion. Allah has created you in the best form, in the best proportion. Allah has made this earth and its animals subservient to you.

You want to clear this forest? You have the ability to clear this forest. And if you look at science and how humans interact with animals, zoologist will tell you that animals have an innate fear of humans. And this fear is rooted in the fact that we stand upright and that when they do things to us, bad things happen to them. When a lion attacks some livestock, something bad happens. Animals - no, Allah put this fear in the animals to show respect to humans.

Allah has given you the ability to completely change the landscape of the earth, to manipulate materials - all for what? For your benefit:

Allah has made subservient to you what is in the heavens and in the earth - all of it.

Allah has made animals subservient to you so that you will be grateful. Allah has given you free will, but more importantly, as we sit here, the greatest honor Allah has given you is the fact that Allah has given you the deen of al-Islam. Out of the billions of people out there, Allah gave you the guidance of Islam. How much more honor can you want after the guidance of al-Islam?

True Source of Honor

And so therefore brothers and sisters, it behooves us to know that in times of difficulty like we are seeing in our atmosphere - whether it is because of the coronavirus or the political instability or the stock market - we have to have more belief and confidence in Allah, taking the necessary precautions, taking the necessary measures, and having firm belief in Allah.

Allah tells us in the Quran that all forms of glory and dignity and honor and respect - where does it come from? It comes from Allah:

Whoever desires dignity and honor, then to God does all dignity and honor belong to.

And to Allah belongs all honor, and honor belongs to His messenger, and honor belongs to the believers.

The Story of Umar ibn al-Khattab

During the Khilafah of Umar ibn al-Khattab, Umar ibn al-Khattab was marching towards Damascus, towards Sham. And with him was a famous Muslim general by the name of Abu Ubaidah ibn al-Jarrah. And as they were marching in the wilderness, they came across a very small lake. It was pretty shallow, not really enough for the horse for you to ride through it, but you need to get off.

So Umar ibn al-Khattab took his shoes off, descended, dismounted, took his shoes off and rolled his pants up and he got into the water and he led his own camel through. And so Abu Ubaidah, he said, يا أمير المؤمنين, "You're coming down yourself and doing all this - someone can do it for you. You don't need to get into this mess yourself."

Umar ibn al-Khattab, he said, "Abu Ubaidah, woe to you. If someone else had said this it would have been the downfall of the Muslims." And then he said these golden words:

"Allah has honoured us with al-Islam. We used to be lowly without the deen, and now Allah has honoured you with the deen. So whenever we seek glory and dignity and respect in other than al-Islam, we will be debased and we will be humiliated."

Research on Self-Esteem

In the Journal of Social Issues there was a professor by the name of Jennifer Crocker - University of Michigan. She did a very extensive research on the motivating factors of self-esteem, specifically with students. And so she tracked them over the year of three years - freshmen in college.

And so she started looking and interviewing them before they went in and throughout the three years. And she discovered that in her initial findings she wanted to get the preliminary survey of the opinions and she asked them, the students, about 600 of them: What do you think drives your self-worth and self-esteem? And what makes you feel good about yourself?

And the overwhelming 80% of them said their academics - their academics is what gives them self-esteem. And in fact 60 to 70% of the respondents who were women said that their looks and appearances was very important to them of how they feel their own self-worth - not saying right or wrong.

And as she followed them throughout the few years, she realized that those who overwhelmingly put their academic rigor and success and getting good grades as the yardstick of their own self-worth - despite the fact that they were actually academically inclined and very very smart - it did not increase them in their grades at all. In fact it gave them stress. It gave them mental anguish and anxiety. So it didn't actually improve - statistically it didn't improve their performance.

But when she looked at students who based their self-esteem on internal factors - their beliefs, their virtues, their moral standards - she found that they received higher grades. They derived their self-worth from meaningful values that they hold true in their hearts.

Internal vs External Factors

And that is why brothers and sisters, we have to be careful regarding where we derive our self-esteem and where do we get the sources of honor and dignity. And psychologists have told us that it's both innate - something that is inside of you - as well as external. And we're not saying external factors don't play a role, but what we are telling you as believers, as people who have been honored by Allah, that don't take external factors too seriously. It affects you, but what affects you more is what is inside your heart and how you view yourself.

The Prophet tells us:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4105)

Whoever is their main focus is the akhirah, Allah will make him feel content. And whoever, Allah - their focus is on the dunya alone because that's where they think that's where the success is, all they focus is on this worldly affair, the materialistic world - جَعَلَ اللَّهُ الْفَقْرَ بَيْنَ عَيْنَيْهِ - Allah will put poverty between their eyes.

In other words, that's all they see. Why does that person drive a BMW and I don't drive a BMW? Why is that person with a bigger house and I don't have it? If I don't buy this bigger house then I lose face in the community. What are people going to say? All of these things hinder your view of your self-worth.

Practical Guidance

Brothers and sisters, a couple of things before we conclude regarding some pointers that I want to share with you that will enable us to have a good view of our own self.

Number one: be sincere to yourself. Don't focus so much on what people will say. Don't focus so much on what people think of you. Think about what Allah thinks of you. Think about what you're doing, is it right or wrong.

And now you hear in the media, you have young people coming up and they'll say, "I love my haters. I love my haters and I love to prove them wrong." And that's on the other extreme if you really think about it. What drives your success is not your haters, for the love of God. It's not the haters that drives you. Because when you focus on your haters, you're now not focusing on what you actually need, but you're trying to become stubborn to prove them wrong, and that's not being true to yourself.

And do not fear the opinion of people. Don't be so afraid of what other people think. If you are doing something that is right, it doesn't matter what people think.

Society's Standards vs Islamic Values

And that's why we have to be very careful about what kind of standards our society puts on us regarding our value. You go to corporate America and you find that the value of people is specifically on the bottom line and numbers and performance, and they don't take into consideration the intangibles of an employee. If this employee brings a certain soft skill to the table that even though they might not be as technical in this role, but they bring a certain skill set that boosts the job performance, that enhances cooperation among the teams - for a lot of these people they don't think about these things. They just, how much money do they bring in? Sales and performance and metrics, and that's how they view it.

And in many ways we are accustomed to that. We judge our worth based on external factors: What school you went to. What was your GPA. What car you drive. What house you have. What vacations you take. And we think that that's what makes us special. And that is not what makes us special.

Having Tawakkul in Allah

Additionally brothers and sisters, having tawakkul in Allah in times like we see now where there is concern and even panic with the coronavirus that we have. You see certain people just completely utterly without even thinking just making unilateral decisions and going to the store and buying things that they don't need. Like for example toilet paper - last time I checked, coronavirus does not cause diarrhea. And you go to the store - sanitizers, all 30 of them into their cart. They think that this - I mean you buy a few, but they take all 30 of them, push them into the cart. "Can I please get one instead?" "No." They've lost any hindrance or semblance of self-respect.

Have tawakkul in Allah. Take the necessary measures. When Musa was ordered to go back to Firaun, he was afraid that Firaun was going to humiliate him. But yet Allah says:

We will strengthen you with your brother. And he said "Ya Allah, I'm afraid that my speech is stuttery and I cannot argue and debate." And Allah fixed it for him, gave him strength.

Being Grateful

Finally brothers and sisters, part of having good confidence and self-respect and dignity is knowing how much you have good going for you - being grateful for what you have. The angels make dua for you. Those, Allah says in the Quran:

The angels that are around the throne of Allah, they are glorifying Allah:

And they are doing istighfar for you. Ibrahim made dua for you. Nuh made dua for you. The Prophet made dua for you. You have the prophets and the angels making dua for you.

And best yet, Allah accepts all of your dua. And the ulema have said when you make a dua, three things happen: Either Allah answers it or removes the harm from you or He gives you something better on the day of judgment. So remember you have a lot of things going for you instead of being sad about your situation.

And at this time of our need we ask Allah to protect all of you and your families from anything that you are worried about - whether it is bacterial or viral or whatever it is. May Allah protect you and your families. And do not forget to rely on Allah and take the necessary means.