Choosing the Right Friends- Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

Choosing the Right Friends

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم، الحمد لله وكفى، والصلاة والسلام على رسول الله

(Statement of 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him)

Dear brothers and sisters, students, young friends, السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

One of the pieces of advice that the second khalifa, 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, once shared — and which is something that is beneficial for us throughout all times — I'd like to share that with you today insha'Allah. He said اعتزل ما يؤذيك — three things he mentioned in this statement.

The Three Pieces of Advice

First: Stay Away from That Which Harms You

The first one he said: اعتزل ما يؤذيك — have a habit of staying away from those things which are harmful to you. Seems pretty straightforward. But as straightforward as it may be, many people are delusional and they're not able to figure out, they're not able to see what is harming them and what is of benefit to them. And they continue to stay in the company and they continue to stick around with that which is harmful to their health, to their spirituality, to their finances, to everything, to their family. And those things which are of benefit — they're scared of that. They stay away from it, they're not willing to stay in company or in contact with the beneficial things.

So the first thing he says: اعتزل ما يؤذيك — stay away from that which is harmful. Let me translate the full statement first and I'll get back to the points insha'Allah.

Number two, he said: وعليك بالخليل الصالح — make sure you hold on to a good, righteous friend. If you're ever able to come across a good friend, a pious friend, صالح — a righteous friend — then hold on to him. And then along with that he mentioned: وقل ما تجده — seldom will you find someone like that. It's very difficult to find a righteous, pious friend. There are not that many of them. He's saying this a long time ago, and you can imagine how that would apply now.

And then he said: وشاور في أمرك الذين يخافون الله — when you want to take consultation and advice in the matters of your religion, in the matters of your deen, then take the opinion of those who fear Almighty Allah. Do not take the opinion of just every single person who claims to be an expert or claims to be a well-wisher. Instead, make sure these people have the fear of Almighty Allah before you take into consideration their views, their opinions, and the pieces of advice that they share with you.

So let's start with the first one: اعتزل ما يؤذيك — stay away from that which is harmful.

Allah has put within us this natural fitrah, this innate ability or sense that when we see something beneficial we go towards it — جلب المنفعة — we like to grab something which is a benefit. And when we see something harmful we push it away — دفع المضرة — we push it away. So if someone is hungry and food is presented, someone is thirsty and water is presented, naturally a person is inclined towards that. It's dark and he needs light, there's a light somewhere — a person will naturally walk towards that. On the other hand, if there's something harmful like a scorpion or a snake or something else, a person — the way we are wired — will shrink away, back away, move away from that harmful object.

So then what's the purpose of mentioning this piece of advice when we're already hardwired for this? And the reason is that sometimes the benefit and the harm of things is hidden. Sometimes it's not very apparent. You have to stop and think: is this beneficial for me or harmful? And Allah mentions this beautifully in the Quran:

Many a time it may happen that you love something, when in reality that which you love is actually evil for you — it's horrible for you, it will bring you down. And many a times you dislike something, you abhor something, you stay away from something, you don't want anything to do with it — but that thing or that person in reality is good for you, brings goodness with them.

A person, for example, knows that certain intoxicants, pills, smoking — all harmful things. Drinking — harmful things. Both in the akhirah sense, in the hereafter, and most definitely in this world. But a person just gets into the habit of that because of bad company and what not, and now subhanAllah he's stuck in this vicious cycle — every single day, every single week. Unfortunately he's caught up in this cycle of intoxicants. And he doesn't realize where this is coming from. This is coming from some bad company. That friend of mine, those people who invite me to spend their Friday evenings and Saturday evenings with them — this is a very harmful company for me.

We have to realize — the wife, for example, the children, for example, or our elder siblings for the youth — our siblings are saying, "Hey listen, don't go there." But now we have this clash: my family is telling me not to go out, my friends are waiting in their car outside the house. What do I do? It's something which is supposed to be obvious, but the lust overtakes a person and his thinking becomes cloudy, and he's not able to see what's right and what's wrong. And he will give preference to evil company over good company, he will give preference to these evil bunch of friends over his own family who is saying: please do not go in that direction.

So 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, is saying that a person needs to be very intelligent when he looks and assesses his situation, assesses his options. And you have to — my dear brothers and sisters — you have to love yourself. You have to love yourself. No one is going to care for you. Mothers, subhanAllah, are that one creation of Allah that will care for us — but besides that, no one really out there cares for us. Misery loves company. When that friend invites you to haram, when those colleagues invite us to sin, they simply want to have a fun time. They're enjoying their fun, their sin, and they want company with them.

A person has to love himself and has to see: if I sit with these people, if I go out with these people, how is it going to affect me? Because I am going to go into my grave alone. He's not coming with me. She's not coming with me. I'm going into my grave alone. Is it worthwhile for me to spend this evening, this weekend, this long break with these individuals?

If a person does not have love for himself, and sympathy and care for himself, no one can assist him, no one can help him. If you don't care for your own future, no one is going to go out of their way and say: "Brother, you're about to kill yourself, you're destroying your hereafter, but I love you more than you love yourself." No, it's not going to happen. Rarely will you come across such people — like the next statement says. Rarely — because why? الخليل الصالح — a righteous friend — is the one who really cares about you in all situations, whether you are nice to him or not, whether you had a good day with him or not. He is out there looking for your best interest and will go out of his way to stop you from falling into some problem, some evil — even if you are running towards it.

The Prophet, peace be upon him, created this thing within the companions — the ability to discern right from wrong, good from evil. And Almighty Allah says in the Quran, in Surah al-Anfal: O believers, if you inculcate the fear of Allah, if you have taqwa and God-consciousness, Allah will give you Furqan.

And Furqan comes from farq — the distinguisher. Furqan is that light — you know, there are all sorts of lights of different wavelengths that do different things. You see certain things in an x-ray under a certain light that you won't be able to see elsewhere. There are certain lights that will show certain elements in the air, certain elements on the ground, that you won't be able to see with the naked eye. Furqan is that light which, once turned on in your heart, you will be able to differentiate right from wrong, evil from truth, and from Haq.

It may seem very obvious, my brothers and sisters, but it isn't. Many a times we see around us — on a daily basis actually — that people make the wrong decisions. And what do they do? In order to accommodate the wills and the wishes and the likes of friends and relatives, they end up destroying their own life. That friend — right now it is Jumu'ah salah and you have to worry about your Jumu'ah — but "no, let me go help this one and that one, let me work an extra hour so that I could buy a gift for someone." I'm saying that's not so necessary at the cost of losing your Jumu'ah. But a person may end up doing this.

And that's what the Prophet, peace be upon him, said in the near meaning of a hadith: the biggest loser is the one who takes a hit in his hereafter, who destroys his chances of salvation, in order to let someone else enjoy their dunya — in order to make someone else's dunya — in order to let someone enjoy their small worldly life, to have a little pleasure on one weekend, one party, one wedding. In order to give pleasure to people, he ends up ruining his own chances of salvation.

So this is what I said — a person has to love himself. We always talk about sympathy and love for others, which has a whole different meaning here — not at the cost of ruining our own chances of salvation. Love other people, definitely. But don't stab yourself, don't shoot yourself in the leg. And that's why 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, is saying: اعتزل ما يؤذيك — anything that is harmful to you, whether it's people, or whether it is things, habits, gatherings, parties, places of gathering where you know if a person goes there it's going to harm either your dunya or akhirah, either your worldly life or your hereafter.

How nice if we could all take this lesson to heart and begin to truly care about ourselves — care about our own health, care about our own wealth, care about our own deen.

My brothers and sisters, when we care about other people and when we show sympathy for other people, in reality this is caring for ourselves. Because the one who cares for others — Almighty Allah will take care of him. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

Allah will continue to assist an individual so long as he is assisting his fellow brother. What does that mean? That when you help other people, you're in reality helping yourself. So there is no dichotomy or contradiction in these two things. We're not saying stop worrying about other people — instead we're saying do worry about yourself. And if you truly worry about yourself, you'll worry about other people as well. And while worrying about other people, you will ensure that you don't do such things which will at the end cause harm to yourself. This is the connection between these two things — that a person needs to have genuine worry.

Allah says:

O believers, fear Almighty Allah. And each of you should see what he has prepared for tomorrow. Allah is not saying: what about everyone else? وَلْتَنظُرْ نَفْسٌ — each one of you sitting here, the speaker himself — ask yourself: what have I done since Fajr time, since this morning till now, in these past several hours, that is going to be a benefit to me tomorrow?

Allah is very current — He speaks with the current times. Allah knows what came out in the news today, what came out in the news this past week, past month, past year. But look — He speaks about the Day of Judgment as what? غَدٍ — tomorrow. No matter what's going on in this world, but remember: you and I are going to die. So soon it's going to feel as though it's tonight, and the hereafter is going to be like this tomorrow morning. Almighty Allah uses that word غَدٍ — tomorrow. Not a long future — just right now, just around the corner.

So no matter how aggrieved you are, how anxious you are, how worried you are about the situation, the predicaments you find yourself in — the hereafter is literally around the bend, right around the corner. By the end of the day — tomorrow morning. If you ever catch a flight tomorrow morning somewhere, you're already preparing for it. You're not going to say, "Oh, we'll take care of it later on." Allah says: each one of you needs to see what he's prepared for tomorrow. That requires, again, worry about yourself.

Sometimes we look at our situations in the country of course and we get so depressed and worried — subhanAllah, what's gonna happen? And in other parts of the world, there are households around the country — in this country too, not even Africa or East Asia — that are living under three to four dollars a day. There are genuinely houses in this country and in this city, in the suburbs and in the city, who seriously at the end of the day are worried about how they're going to provide food for the children in the house.

We know in South India what's happening with the flood crisis. I have a family friend over there, and subhanAllah she was messaging and telling me the situation. And I said subhanAllah — we think we have problems. They literally have five to six feet of water outside their house. They're completely barricaded inside their homes. Some of the houses have food, some of them have nothing at all. And there are hundreds and millions of these people completely cut off — they can't even go for Jumu'ah. They're asking the question: "What should we do? There's no way we can get out of the house. How do we perform Jumu'ah? Do the men of the house and the women of the house just pray Dhuhr here? How do we go about doing that?" And people, subhanAllah, getting electrocuted and all sorts of such difficulty happening.

Those are real pains that they feel. And sometimes our fears are long-drawn-out things, of things that are not there. But we start thinking about the world's problems and forget about our own grave — forget about tonight, forget about tomorrow. SubhanAllah, it might all come to an end for me tonight, might all come to an end for me tomorrow. I have to worry about that. So make sure that when I make a decision today of how I'm going to spend my night, when I make a decision today of how I'm going to spend this weekend, when I make a decision today of who's going to be my children's friends, who my children are going to hang out with — اعتزل ما يؤذيك — make sure you stay far away from anyone and anything that is going to be of harm to you.

Second: Hold On to the Righteous Friend

Number two — 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, says: عليك بالخليل الصالح — hold on to that pious friend. صالح — the one who benefits from his good deeds, a righteous person, a God-fearing person. He says: if you find someone like that, then عليك — hold on to him, الزمه — hold on to him. Because why?

Think about a massive truck that is reversing back into a dock. As great a driver as he may be, as many mirrors as he may have — usually they always have someone to come and help direct the truck as it reverses in. We always see that. If there's a pair of two, one of them will get out. If there are people working at the dock, they'll come out and help. This is important because you just can't see every aspect of your truck.

Similarly, you cannot see every aspect of your life. You need outside mirrors. You need outside people to come and tell you: "You're doing wrong here, you're doing right here — keep it up, and stop." That's what a good friend does. A good friend looks at you and says, "That was a very nice statement you said," or "that was a very nice speech," or "that was a very nice performance," or "that was a very nice thing — but guess what? These are the flaws, these are the holes." And we're not going to be able to see our own flaws the majority of the time. We're not going to be able to find the holes within our own life. We need a righteous friend who will work as a mirror.

That's why the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

A believer is a mirror for another believer. That mirror will reflect and will tell us: where am I going wrong?

So we have to ask Almighty Allah — today in Jumu'ah, ask: Ya Allah, not only allow me to stay away from that which is harmful, but allow me to find good company. Just like a person who got ten thousand dollars from somewhere says: "SubhanAllah, ya Allah, allow me to find a good, trustworthy brother who I can invest with, and can make this a hundred thousand by the end of the year." Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want someone who would invest and turn this around with a hundred percent return, give it back to you — or a thousand percent return, give it back to you? My dear brothers and sisters, we need righteous friends who not only will look after our worldly life, but will always give us instructions and advice that will help us for the year after — for the hereafter.

And the Prophet of all people — he is the Prophet of Allah, the chosen being who receives revelation — he says:

Oh Allah, I seek refuge in You from a plotting, conniving friend — a so-called friend, not a real friend — from a conniving, plotting friend. His eyes look at me, mashaAllah he smiles, he's looking at me. But his heart is always pinned against me, trying to defeat me, trying to put me into a hole, trying to dig a hole for me.

إِنْ رَأَى حَسَنَةً — if he sees anything good I do — دَفَنَهَا — he hides it, he doesn't let anyone know about it. It's like he just writes it off: "Oh, he always does that," "oh, there's nothing big," "he probably wasn't sincere." Anything good you do, he hides it. He doesn't let people know about it, he gives it a spin so that people don't think of you as having done anything good. وَإِنْ رَأَى سَيِّئَةً — and we all sin, we all slip, we all make faults — when he ends up seeing us making a slip or a fault, أَذَاعَهَا — he puts it up on social media, he spreads it, he whispers it: "Did you just hear?" And he spreads those things about us.

We all have weaknesses. The Prophet, peace be upon him, is seeking refuge in Allah from such an evil friend who acts as though he is friends with us — anything good we do he hides it, any slips we have he spreads it. So if the Prophet, peace be upon him, is seeking refuge in Allah from him, what about you and I? Where do we sit in all of this? We have to ask Almighty Allah for good friendship.

And 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, 1,400 years ago is already telling us: وَقَلَّ مَا تَجِدُهُ — and rarely do you find such friends who love you like your mother and will look out for you like your sheikh and your مُرَبِّي, like your mentor. And will tell you the truth — "this is right, this is wrong." They'll tell you the truth as it is. They won't sugarcoat it. They'll tell you: "This is what it is, my friend. I love you for the sake of Allah, but you're wrong here. You have to come right."

We can't always be surrounded by friends who tell us what we want to hear, who are always patting us on the back and saying "great job." That is not going to help us. Imagine the truck was reversing and the person says: "Great job, excellent driver, I want to keep up your ego, I want to keep up your self-confidence" — bam! And he hits the wall. What use is a friend that does that to us? "SubhanAllah, no, I don't want to hurt your feelings, I want to keep you upbeat, so I'm not going to ever tell you that you're slipping and you're falling." We don't need that. We need people who are truthful to us to our face. Whatever they're telling other people, they'll tell us first.

Third: Consult Those Who Fear Allah

And lastly, 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said: وشاور في أمرك الذين يخافون الله — when you consult people, in your affairs — not just Islamic affairs, but all affairs — whenever you consult people, take the opinion of people who fear Almighty Allah.

Now you're gonna say: a person who fears Almighty Allah — why should I ask him about my finances? Why should I ask him about investments or what not? What difference does it make? The reason is, my brothers and sisters: the one who fears Allah will know that everything he is saying is being written, and he's going to be accountable for it. So he will definitely ensure that he gives you the best advice. And he will not give you advice based on his own needs, his comforts, what he wants for himself — but instead he will give you what is good for you.

For example: his children are all grown up and in college now. You say: "Brother, you're a good old friend of mine — should I come and move here?" SubhanAllah, you need schools for your children, and that area doesn't have good proper schools. But he loves your company. He's retired. He wants to spend his mornings and evenings with you chilling, drinking coffee. And so he says: "Yes, brother, this is a perfect place — come!" But a person who fears Allah will say: "Brother, I love you for the sake of Allah. I would have enjoyed your company. But guess what — this place is not suitable for your family. You should go to such and such other location and move on there."

So whenever we have to take mashwarah and advice, seek out the advice of those who fear Almighty Allah. When was the last time we thought about this? When was the last time we really searched for a friend, a sibling, a relative who has some taqwa within him — taqwa, God-consciousness — that before I buy a car, before I do this or that, let me make this niyyah. How do the people who fear Allah give advice, for example?

You're building a house and, mashaAllah, you're putting in some windows. Of course we all have windows in our homes. So how many windows should I have? You take advice from someone who is an architect, an interior designer — he'll tell you this and that. But you take advice from the one who fears Almighty Allah, and he says: "Brother, mashaAllah, great job. I like it. You can do whatever you want with the windows. But let me tell you one thing — why don't you make this intention that through the window you'll be looking, subhanAllah, at the house of Allah — the masjid that's across your house — and that you'll be looking at those who go to the masjid and you'll be praying for them?" Or in places in the world where the adhan can be heard: "Why don't you make this intention that you'll be able to crack open the window and listen to the adhan being called?"

It's the same window that is there. But see — this person who fears Allah has a different insight. He gave you some advice which no one else will give you. He gave you advice that changed your intention — build windows in the house, but change that intention. Because that intention — mashaAllah — all of that is rewarding. So when you can have a rewarding intention in constructing a home, imagine every other aspect of our life. We have to search and find that out. And where do we get this guidance from? From those who fear Almighty Allah.

Conclusion

To recap: we were talking about the three pieces of advice that 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, shared.

He said: اعتزل ما يؤذيك — stay away from anything or anyone that will be harmful to you.

وعليك بالخليل الصالح — hold on to a righteous, pious friend.

وقل ما تجده — and rarely will you find a pious friend like that who will look out for your best interest.

And lastly: وشاور في أمرك الذين يخافون الله — in your affairs, take the opinion and consultation of those who fear Almighty Allah.

I pray Almighty Allah allows us to inculcate these three qualities. And I pray Almighty Allah protects us, our families, our friends, our masajid, our institutions, our honor, our iman, from all the challenges that the ummah is facing together. Ameen, Rabbil 'Alameen.