Sat 12/21 | Rise & Reflect | Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed | Winter Intensive 2024

Opening Verses & Hadith

Allah, the Exalted, said — one of His verses is:

"He created for you from yourselves wives to live with, and He made between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for you that you may reflect." Sadaqallahul Azeem.

And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

(Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 4941; also recorded in Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1924)

"Have mercy on those who are in the earth, and He who is in the heavens will have mercy on you." — or as he said, peace and blessings be upon him.

Welcome & Opening Du'a

Honorable brothers and sisters, dear listeners, dear guests of the house of Allah, dear friends. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

We ask Allah that He reward all of us for coming today here for Salatul Fajr — our locals, and those who have traveled the entire night from different states. Alhamdulillah, to be here this morning. And we ask Allah that those who are on their journeys over here, may Allah bring them with ease and aafiyah and protection, and allow them to arrive safely. Allow everyone who is attending the retreat, and those who are attending even just this gathering here, to walk away with much more than expected.

We ask Allah to allow us all to find solutions to our problems, to find answers to our questions, to find an opening out of every difficulty that we are in through the barakah of the gathering in the house of Allah. We ask Allah to inspire us with that which would be of most benefit to all who are listening and all those who are present here. We ask Allah that He allow us to leave this gathering in a state that our sins have been forgiven and have been replaced with good deeds. Ameen, rabbil alameen.

The Topic: Harmony Within the Modern Muslim Household

So this first Rise and Reflect session that we'll have, insha'Allah daily for the next three days during the retreat — I wanted to just speak on the aspect of this topic that we have: harmony within the modern Muslim household. What an important and what a relevant topic this is for all to be participating and listening and attending.

Because my friends, Allah has made the household as a foundation of the community — of each community. And that foundation results in not just the community being where it is, but also in the ummah being where it is.

The Qunut Nazila: Unity Before Victory

In our Qunut Nazila right now in Fajr Salah, and everyday insha'Allah across the entire globe, the ummah is asking Allah:

"O Allah, please join our hearts. Allif bayna qulubina — O Allah, unite our hearts. Wa aslih dha'ata baynina — O Allah, take care of and improve all the relationships that exist within us. O Allah, do not allow our hearts to be fragmented. O Allah, do not allow our relationships with one another to fall apart. Then after that we say, wa ansurna — assist us — ala man a'dana — against those who have chosen to harbor enmity against us — wa a'da al-Islam — and those who choose to harbor enmity against Islam — wa al-Muslimeen — and those who choose to harbor enmity against the Muslims."

So those who are enemies of us, those who are enemies of Islam, those who are enemies of Muslims — O Allah, we ask You to grant us all victory against all such people. But before we ask Allah to give us victory, the first portion of the du'a was: Allif bayna qulubina — O Allah, unite our hearts. Wa aslih dha'ata baynina — O Allah, take care of and improve all the relationships that exist within us.

That is basically a mandatory first step if you want Allah's help against anyone. When that mandatory first step of unity within our ranks is not present, then there is no victory for us — or anyone for that matter — against the enemy. Because the enemy actually now has come where? Within. The enemy is wearing the same uniform as us, and he has entered our ranks, and now anyone can be stabbed, anyone can be shot dead. He is in the middle of the barracks, wearing our uniform. So you don't know — you cannot sleep in peace, because when you are sleeping in peace, the enemy is within. You cannot have breakfast in peace, you cannot have anything in peace, because the enemy is within.

When a person — when the army is not united themselves — how can we ever fight anything? Before the enemy arrives at the battlefield, this infighting will kill and destroy this army itself. So this is something so important that we are always asking Allah to unite us, everyday.

Unity of the Ummah Starts at Home

And then, if you ask anyone, "What's the problem with the ummah?" they will tell you, "Oh brother, we need to be united. Why aren't the masjids united? Why aren't the communities united? Why aren't the organizations united?" And they will go on with this talk. But what we don't understand is that the unity of victory for the ummah depends on the unity of the ummah. And the unity of the ummah depends on the unity of each and every household.

If each and every household and each community is united, then this will lead to a united ummah. If we have disunity within every single home, how can our masjid be united? How can our community be united? That's the million dollar question.

Are we united at home? Do we have harmony within our home? Or is there toxicity within our home? Is there infighting within the home? So this is the intelligent question, this is the correct question: What can I do to bring harmony and unity within my home? Which will lead to having harmony and unity within every member — rather every community, every household of my community — which will lead to a more unified, eventually, ummah of Rasulullah ﷺ that will be granted victory.

My dear friends, Shaytan is working naturally over time. And Allah has given us — the Prophet ﷺ has also told us about the nafs — that the nafs and Shaytan together are out to destroy our everything: our deen, our dunya, our relationships, and so forth.

We have to be the intelligent person — the lucky, intelligent, smart person who has basira and foresight — to not become reactionary, to not become a slave to our anger, a slave to our emotions, a slave to our desires. Instead, through the help and the will of Allah, even in the toughest of storms, in the face of the highest of waves crashing against our family, we are able to navigate in a very wise manner through this storm. That is what the deen teaches us. That is what is expected from all of us to do. And once we bring harmony within our home, then insha'Allah, bit by bit we'll be able to spread this harmony across the globe.

The Quranic Warning Against Infighting

Allah says in the Quran:

Wa la tanaza'u — do not fight with one another. Fatafshalu — otherwise you'll lose. Allah is telling the whole ummah: when we fight with one another, we will not be able to stand up in front of any sort of enemy. Wa tadhhaba reehukum — literally, you'll lose your wind. You will lose your soul, spirit, strength, backbone. Your ranks lined up, looking really strong — but if the hearts are not connected, it will be of no use. Wasbiru — Allah orders us to remain patient in the face of the external and internal enemy.

In the face of tanks, in the face of everything else — but also in the face of a rage of anger. In the face of being hurt. Because someone said something — your sibling, your parent, your spouse, your child did something to hurt you. Wasbiru — remain patient. Innallaha ma'as-sabirin — indeed Allah is with those who are patient.

What Sabr Really Means

One point I realized after speaking about many talks on patience — from the questions I got afterwards — I realized I should put this disclaimer and explanation in front as well when we speak about sabr.

Sometimes people say, "Brother, sabr? Literally I'm just getting whipped left and right in this relationship or at home. What is this sabr part?" So sabr does not mean that a person just... I'll give you an example. Someone is slapping you, and you're standing in front and saying, "Let me make sabr, okay, I'll give the other cheek." This is not deen, this is not intelligence.

Instead, a person should at least duck, at least move back, should at least avoid the man or woman or a person who is in rage. Why are you standing there? This is not sabr — nor does it make any sense to stand in the way of a bulldozer that's coming at you, saying "I gotta make sabr." No, you don't. You need to move. That's part of sabr — that now you react in an appropriate manner. But to sit there and watch yourself get chopped up into pieces, physically or figuratively speaking, that's not necessarily the right move.

So does that mean you run away from home? Does that mean you ask for a divorce? Does that mean you go to court? Does that mean you make a lawsuit? Does that mean you call the police? No. Sabr is that you immediately step out of the toxic environment to the side, and then think calmly: what am I supposed to be doing next? Make a phone call. Instead of calling your lawyer, call your imam. That would really save a lot of problems if we start doing this.

Instead of saying, "I'm gonna call my lawyer, I'm gonna call 911" — no. Let me call upon Allah. Let me pray. Let me quickly run to my bathroom, do wudu, and call upon Allah. Perform two rakat of salah and say: "Ya Allah, I need to talk to You." Pray two rakat and lay it all out. Ya Allah, what am I supposed to be doing in this situation?

This is called sabr — that you are responding to the situation that is very aggravating and very tough, but in an appropriate manner. You are holding your nafs down. The problem is, the ego comes in. And a person responds in a manner that later on they will regret.

The Danger of Rage: Real Examples

How many times we get phone calls at the masjid or people want to come and ask — it's so sad, honestly so sad, I don't have words to describe it — where a person is saying: "Well, I love my wife, I love my kids. Oh, I got four of them, I got three of them. They are everything to me. But I was in a fit of rage and I divorced them — three times. Now what?"

Sometimes when they learn the Islamic rulings of it, they are like, "No way." Sometimes the wife is feeling so bad for her husband and she'll reach out asking for help: "What am I supposed to do? Is there anything else we can do? Because truly I'm worried about my children now. We're stranded. And they don't have their dad. And yes, we don't have necessarily the best relationship, but at least he was there. Alhamdulillah, a lot of things were taken care of. He was taking care of the children and so forth. Is there something you can do?"

When you see a house just falling apart like that — what happened? It was the nafs that came in, it was the Shaytan that came in — in a fit of rage, a person said something which they shouldn't have.

Similarly, things get even worse at times. Sometimes in the world, you see this all the time — every day you see news of people doing a mass shooting, or people doing a double murder-suicide, or something else. Horrific. And you look into it, and it's what? It's rage. A person did not have sabr. Yes, it might have been a really upsetting situation, but you need to figure out how to handle that by taking a step back, turning to Allah, turning to ulama for advice, and then plotting and planning the next most appropriate move to be able to safeguard the marriage.

The Nafs: Your Greatest Enemy

My beloved friends, the Prophet ﷺ said in a hadith:

(Reported by al-Bayhaqi in Shu'ab al-Iman; also attributed in various hadith collections)

"Indeed, your biggest enemy — your greatest enemy — is the nafs that is between your two sides." That ego is the greatest, greatest enemy. May Allah protect us from this evil nafs. May Allah protect us from the makkar and the sharr of the nafs and Shaytan.

How many times a person knows they are wrong, and all it takes to patch up the situation is a simple "I'm sorry." Or a simple, "I acknowledge my mistake, this won't happen again, I'll try my best — I know I told you this a hundred times, but honestly it's not like I'm intentionally wanting to do it. I keep on slipping, falling, faltering. It doesn't make me happy to see you upset, and I will try to amend the situation better next time." That's it. They will be angry for some time, but eventually it will subside and you can move on.

But what happens when a person responds to the nafs by saying, "How dare you said that — guess what, I'm gonna say this." And then something simple and small becomes a never-ending issue. Until children leave the home, until parents divorce one another, until siblings stop talking to one another — and the list goes on. Because of the nafs.

There is no harmony — we cannot have harmony within our homes — if we are going to become worshippers of our nafs, if we are going to become held hostage by our nafs. This requires us to take the higher ground and to put our foot down on the nafs and say: "Although I feel like doing this, although I feel like saying this — but I will not. Because this, in the long run, is going to be extremely harmful. It will not be the smart move."

We see a traffic stop in America, unfortunately, very quickly escalate. Every day, multiple incidents like this happen. Where a traffic stop or something else becomes escalated — it's one wrong move, and the least of it is a citation, and the worst of it is you're dead. How sad.

Every day we see this happening. What's going on? That a person is upset — "Why am I pulled over? Because I'm brown? Because I'm black? Because I drive an old car?" Maybe here you're right, you have a point. Okay, we can talk about that. But right now is not the time to discuss this. Right now is not the time to bring all the stats in front of the cop. Right now it's about your life being on the line. Be calm, be collected, and make every single move that you do deliberate. Think it all out. You don't want to let anyone think that you're pulling for a gun out of your glove compartment. Otherwise it can, in five seconds — or less than that — end in a very bad situation.

Well, our marriages are like that. Our relations with our kids are like that. Our relations with our siblings are like this. Our relations with our parents are like that. A person needs to not react. You might have full right to react the way you want to — but this is not the time. Because the goal is harmony. You have a right to be upset. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to cry. You have a right to want to scream and yell, because of all that's going on. But will this help the entire situation? Or will it make it worse? And most of the time we realize: it will make it worse if I do what I want to do, what I feel like doing.

So this is the time where we bite our tongue. And for the sake of Allah, we do sabr.

Shaytan: The Enemy Within Our Homes

So going back to this ayah — Allah says: Wa la tanaza'u — do not fight amongst one another. You're going to have things in the battlefield, in the real army outside, that are going to be upsetting. Someone demoted you last minute. Someone who reports to you got upset and said something which they should not. Lots of stuff can happen. But look at the bigger picture. You are in the battlefield and the enemy is looking at you. They're plotting right now to attack in the next hour. How can you allow your inner issues to overtake the discussion?

Well, my beloved brothers and sisters, we are all in a fight and on the battlefield 24/7, 365 days a year. We are fighting against the Shaytan and the nafs. He is in our homes, he is in our bloodstream — it's everywhere. And this is the very smart tactic of Shaytan. He's been in business for hundreds of millions of years. So he says: "I want to overcome this house, I want to break it apart. And what I'm going to do is cause a fight."

By causing a fight amongst themselves —

"Indeed Shaytan instigates fights amongst them." Allah says:

"Indeed Shaytan is a very open enemy for the human being." Allah mentions, clarifying: be wary of this Shaytan. He is a huge enemy and he will try to destroy you. By causing fights.

The Cigarette Butt: Suspicion

Allah is telling us how he goes about doing that in many places. One big thing is:

By causing misunderstandings and bad thoughts — suspicion. This is so scary. Because you know they say how it takes a matchstick — a small matchstick, or a cigarette butt — to not just burn down the barn, but start a massive forest fire that rages sometimes for months. And when you look back, it literally started off from a camper or some random person discarding his cigarette while it was still lit. And the whole forest comes down, and thousands of homes come down, because of one small cigarette butt.

That cigarette butt is what Shaytan does in our homes. And the one main cigarette butt or matchstick is called su' al-zann — suspicion. Suspicion brings down the whole thing, everything. When he comes and whispers: "That's why she did that, that's why he said that, and that's probably what they're trying to do, and that's probably what they're doing" — this is so harmful. When a person begins to entertain these thoughts.

Al-Waswas al-Khannasa: The Whisperer

Allah calls Shaytan:

Al-Waswas — the one who whispers. Al-Khannasa — the one who will come, instigate you, and then run away. Think of little kids who come in, yank someone's hair, flick someone's ear, and then run away. That's what Shaytan does to us. He instigates us, whispers in our ear, whispers in our heart.

It comes in a hadith:

(Reported by Ibn Mas'ud; recorded in Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2988, and Musnad Ahmad)

"There are two prompts — every heart has got two prompts." One prompt from the angel, and a prompt from Shaytan. The prompt from Shaytan is to make you worried:

To promise you that bad things are going to happen. Horrible things are going to happen. Things are going to fall apart. Make you pessimistic — pessimistic against humans, pessimistic against your own family, pessimistic against Allah, yes — pessimistic against the deen of Allah. Just making a person give up, have no hope.

He tries to come and create this fear factor. Just because someone at school offered you something — "Hey, you want a pack of cigarettes? You want some drugs?" — you don't have to listen, right? That's what we're going to tell our kids. Just because someone offered you something, why did you take it? That's his job — he comes and tries to get you involved. Your job is to say:

"I don't want this." Same thing — Shaytan will come and place thoughts into our mind, into our heart. But what about us? Why are we not saying astaghfirullah? "Why are these thoughts coming to me?" — that's our job. To say: "No, I don't want to. I'm not going to listen to you." He's going to continue doing what he's meant to do — which is to whisper and invite us. And we're supposed to be doing what we're meant to do — which is to say: "Ya Allah, save me from this."

"O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the whispers that come into the chest. Protect me from these whispers." Wa shatati al-amr — "And O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the falling apart of all the affairs." The affairs start falling apart when you start listening to those voices. Those voices are like a fulfillment of the prophecy — they prophesize: "Everything is gonna fall apart. She's gonna do this, he's gonna do this, they're gonna do that." You hear these voices — there you go, shatati al-amr. That's what happened.

But instead of saying, "This is a thought coming to me — a'udhu billahi min al-Shaytan al-rajeem — Ya Allah, please do not allow this thought," subhanAllah...

A Case Study: Shaytan's Deception Through Dreams

We just recently had a presentation by one of our colleagues this past week when students were taking their exams. We had some time with the teachers to spend with one another in different learning experiences. MashaAllah, every person and every teacher for that matter has a talent and expertise and interest that maybe others don't have. So alhamdulillah, here at Darussalam, at the seminary, there is not only a teaching experience between teachers and students, but alhamdulillah we have a very good environment within the teachers' lounge of teachers always discussing different things — "Hey, I read this very interesting thing, what do you think about this?" and asking each other questions and discussing, alhamdulillah.

So the opportunity was given for any ustadh who would like to share some knowledge with the rest. So one of our teachers made a very nice, detailed presentation on the science of dream interpretation and shared it with the rest of the teachers — which was a really interesting discussion, mashaAllah. I learned a lot from it.

But one point I want to mention here was that he was talking about dreams and he mentioned very clearly that this is not a presentation to be done in the general public — otherwise you'll have people thinking that by attending 45 minutes of a workshop they are now licensed dream interpreters, and that will cause huge problems.

He was mentioning a dream that someone had before they got married. They wrote a whole long text message detailing it — very lengthy, very detailed. He thought about it for a long time and came up with the answer. But he was very hesitant because the marriage was around the corner — I don't know, it was 3 or 4 days, something like that, left. And what kept becoming obvious to him was that this dream appeared negative. But now you don't want to be the person to go tell someone three days before the marriage that, "You know what, this is not going to work." We are not fortune tellers. We don't know the future.

He also mentioned a person who had a certain dream and kept reaching out saying, "I'm having this dream again and again and again." And he said, when he knew it, he felt he had nothing to share in response. And sure enough, within two weeks, subhanAllah, that person passed away — because in that dream the person kept specifically seeing a car crash, again and again. And subhanAllah, within a few weeks he actually passed away. So it's a very interesting world, definitely the dream world.

So he said, "I was thinking of telling him, but I felt, how can I cancel this thing? Maybe just say, revisit it." And then he said, "I looked at that dream again — the text message — and as I looked at it, at the end it says how he had to take a fard bath in the morning." And he said, "Oh my God — I missed this point, this one line." Because the hadith mentions that any such dream in which a person has to take ghusl comes from where? It comes from Shaytan.

So now — this was very intriguing, a case study he shared — there was this elaborate dream that made this individual go get an elaborate interpretation, and he had the interpretation which was negative. But then that last point meant he threw it all out, because it was all from Shaytan. It's as though Shaytan didn't want this marriage to happen from before. He comes and plants this elaborate dream in a person that he knows will go get it interpreted, and the interpretation will more than likely be negative — and so the wedding gets called off.

Isn't that interesting? Look at the intelligence of this Shaytan — to come and play tricks with us. SubhanAllah. Allah saved him. They are married, apparently happily — mashallah, insha'Allah, may Allah put barakah in everyone's marriages. But this is the level of deception that goes on.

Do Not Underestimate the Enemy

Why I mention this is: let's not underestimate the level of effort that is put in. You know, dear friends, if you want to get an idea, just look at crises — from the Middle East to Central Asia, to Central America. Look at Afghanistan, look at Iraq, look at Syria, look at Pakistan as well. Stuff that's coming out from declassified government documents, slowly and eventually, 50 years later, 40 years later. Just look at the level of meddling that has happened, and of course is happening consistently. And you can only imagine it's happening now.

These are articles that you can read in the New York Times — investigative journalism, ten pages long, spanning over five years. And the type of under-the-rug, under-the-table, backdoor business deals that are happening literally affect the lives of millions of people. Duffel bags filled with hundreds of thousands of dollars — up to tens of millions — in land cruisers, being taken from one place to the other. It comes out afterwards and you're like, "I can't believe it, how you all played the whole world." All these individuals who are part of these deals. How they played the whole world, how millions of people were affected.

This is the makkar of humans. If this is the makkar of humans, imagine the makkar of the greatest deceiver. Allah says:

"Do not let the ultimate deceiver deceive you." The ultimate deceiver is who? Shaytan. If human beings can do this level of deception, imagine what level of deception Shaytan can do. So do not underestimate the desire he has to destroy your home.

And so when these wasawis come about one another, turn to Allah and read:

"O Allah, I seek refuge in You — min hamazati al-shayateen — from the insinuations and the prompts of Shaytan, literally injecting you, injecting you. Wa a'udhu bika rabbi an yahduroon — And O Allah, I seek refuge in You from them coming to me." Why has this du'a been taught to us? It's been taught because it's real. That's what they do. They come and they try to destroy our homes in all different ways.

The Real Battlefield: Our Homes

So beloved friends, if we want to be able to conquer our enemy outside — who is the enemy outside? I told you: we are in a battle every day. It's Shaytan. What's the big enemy? Getting us into riba. What's the big enemy? Getting us into universities and colleges where we are in classes that will shake the foundations of our deen. What's our enemy? It's the nafs and Shaytan — that will make us fall into listening to haram, watching haram, getting involved in a haram relationship, getting involved in a haram investment scheme, getting involved in some sort of fight with someone else, breaking someone's heart. All of these things that Shaytan wants every one of us to do.

Neglecting our prayers, neglecting our tilawa of the Quran, neglecting our dress of modesty, neglecting our hijab, neglecting our fara'id. Those are the big issues. But he doesn't want us to focus on that. So what happens? He lights a fire within the home. So now instead of fighting the enemy outside, we're fighting the enemy within. And then we have no time to look outside. They will come and destroy us. They will ruin the whole home.

The Tarbiyah of Our Children

I was mentioning yesterday that subhanAllah, a mom and dad who love one another, care for one another, pray salah together, do everything good together, are on the same page — are having such a hard time raising God-fearing, righteous kids today. It's so hard. When any dad or mom who cares and they're on the same page finds out what their son or daughter, subhanAllah, is messaging — or they find some app, their Discord app, some Instagram, this and that.

The problem is, we're like the little kid who covers his eyes and says, "I can't see you, so you can't see me" — playing hide and seek like this. The example of us is that we don't know what our children are involved in, we don't know what our college kids or youngsters are watching, what they're searching, who they're speaking with, what type of language they have online. So we think everything is fine. Any talk related to this is: "I don't know what you're talking about — this has nothing to do with me."

Then when they somehow find a dumb phone, or an old phone, or somehow get their son's or daughter's phone, and they read it — then they see Malak al-Mawt in front of them. Why do we wait for this situation? It's probably happening in every home. Naturally, if you don't have the protective measures, it's going to happen. It's part of the inquisitive nature of children as they grow through ages — they want to do this and that. But now that inquisitive nature is like the inquisitive nature that allows us to take the highest dosage of drugs. The same way a child might be curious about whether something is garam masala or cinnamon — that same inquisitive nature is getting them into the worst things. That's what's happening with children today.

But that is where our battle is supposed to be. We can't fight that battle — I was saying how mom and dad, even on the same page, are having a very hard time raising good young men and women. Imagine when Shaytan comes in and starts a fire between them — between parents, or between siblings, or between older siblings. What happens? Now no one has time to focus on the bigger issue, which is the tarbiyah of the children. Because they're constantly fighting one another. This is the shaitanic tactic to grab the children.

The Predator's Tactic: Distract and Divide

Look at any National Geographic video — or a YouTube video of a cheetah, or a leopard, or a lion, or a tiger hunting in the jungles of Africa. They don't go and pick a fight with the biggest antelope. They'll go after the fawn. They're not going to go after the horned deer. We don't want to pick a fight — we want an easy meal. And the easy meal are the kids. The easy meals are the little ones.

But in order to get the little ones, their dads and moms are going to be protecting them. So what do you have to do? You have to distract them. And they do it — it's very amazing how they do it. One of them goes from the front to make a mess over there. So now the older ones — the mom and dad — are going over there. And then you'll see the little one, the fawn in the back, or the baby cub who is struggling to catch up, sitting there alone. "Grab him, go on, finish." They do this every day in nature.

Animals do this. And so imagine what Shaytan does. Shaytan says: "I gotta grab him. I don't care about you — you're 60 years old. I'm worried about the next 100 years, 1,000 years. I gotta make sure your kids don't come out right. And if I can get one kid — one kid to marry a non-Muslim, or to cohabit with a non-Muslim — done. I don't have to worry about it. I can move on."

What's the chance of these people changing? This son who comes from a Muslim home with an Ahmed last name, or a Patel last name, or whatever the case may be — he goes to college and then chooses a partner that's non-Muslim. Allah forbid, changes their gender too. Then Shaytan can sit relaxed. He can go focus somewhere else. But the goal is to take out one youngster — a young guy or girl who's 19 or 20 years old — and get them off track. Once they're off track, they're never going to marry someone who's on the right track. And they will then have kids who they will lead on the wrong track. And he's set.

So the goal is to go after our children. But the way he goes after the children is to make the parents consumed with one another. And then we lose the kids. I have seen this in so many instances with parents who are going at each other's throats. And then they say, "Oh, by the way — our son had this problem. He said he doesn't want to be a Muslim anymore. He's in 9th grade and he says he's having doubts about Islam." I'm like: okay, what do you all want to talk about now? Do you want to talk about your son who is leaving Islam — who is a hafidh of the Quran? Or do you want to sit there and say, "He did that and she did that"? Why don't you all wake up?

If together you cannot save this kid, do you think that as a single parent — who is going to spend all their resources in court, and who is going to spend every living hour thinking about how to avenge themselves against their ex, how to take their vendetta — that's what's happening today. The resources are being spent on lawyers, in courts, and all the energy is channeled into "How can I harm my ex?" or "How can I defend myself constantly from my ex who's constantly trying to attack me?" Instead, those poor children are struggling and saying, "Please help us." No one has time for them because everyone is focused elsewhere. And then they think they are doing benefit to their kids by running away from each other and causing problems in court and so forth. Astaghfirullah.

All of these things, my brothers and sisters, subhanAllah — this is where we need to wake up. Where we need to say: enough is enough. Shaytan and the nafs have not only caused huge damage all across the globe — they have come and taken over my home, have come and taken over me. I cannot solve the world's problems. I have to start from my own home.

Every One of Us Can Make a Difference

Every one of us here who is listening — youngsters, youth here — don't think that you are too young or incapable of fixing the environment in your home. I remember one 14-year-old who came to me, about 7 or 8 years ago, after one talk, all the way on the west coast in one city. After listening he said, "I hear you are having an intensive. I would love to be there, and I would love for my parents and my family to come to the deen. But they have so many issues — I have a depressed sibling who is locked up in the room the entire time, he is leaving the deen, I've got this issue, that issue."

So I told this 14-year-old, "Listen brother, mashallah, I'm so amazed that you sat through the talk. Where are your parents?" "No, my parents are not here. I'm here on my own." I said: "Look, Allah gave you this desire — you sat through this talk, no one else is here, and you care about your family. If you have ikhlas and sincerity, and you turn to Allah, and you ask the right questions from the right people, you will be able to help your entire family. Just be patient. It will happen." And I gave him some basic things to do.

And subhanAllah — I could not believe it — about six weeks later, a kid came up to me in the middle of the retreat and said, "Salam." I said, "Oh wait — where did I meet you before?" He said, "[XYZ city]." And I said, "What happened? Did you come alone with the other brothers of the masjid?" He said, "No. I brought my whole family. I brought my whole family. The one who was locked up in the room — he's here as well." Alhamdulillah.

Because when you are sincere, and you are begging Allah for help, and you use the right means — you will, insha'Allah, be able to overcome whatever situation you are dealing with. So you don't have to be the parent. You don't have to be the mother or the father. Sometimes the mother and the father, unfortunately, themselves don't know what they're doing. I'm very honest — let's address the issue. Sometimes kids don't know what they're doing. Sometimes the wife doesn't. Sometimes the husband doesn't.

Like COVID — if someone got COVID, you don't have to be evil to get COVID. Anyone could get COVID. When you have someone who's got a sickness, you understand: okay, this person is a patient. Look how he's coughing uncontrollably. Look how he has to run to the bathroom uncontrollably. They are ma'dhur — they're excused. Let's not say, "Why did you go to the bathroom so many times? Stop coughing, I'm talking." Does that make sense? Instead, cover your mouth, or put a mask on yourself to protect yourself from this individual while you're taking care of them.

That's what it is. When you're dealing with people in the household who have become very toxic, very negative — filled with suspicion, or anger, or whatever else, or have a bad tongue — if we start becoming their enemy, then both of us have Shaytan. One is a Shaytan over there making them do what they want, and their nafs. And then me, doing a knee-jerk response.

This person doesn't know what they're doing. They're literally — if they were to listen to themselves four days later, or next week, they would be ashamed. If they were to watch a video of themselves five years later, they'd say, "I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I said this." Yeah — because they're out right now. Your responsibility — the one who's not out yet — is to save the one who has gone in. Not to say, "I'm gonna jump with you into the pit." Don't jump into the pit with a relative or family member who's going through a crisis. By getting angry at them, and screaming at them, and Allah forbid raising hands — we are also becoming, astaghfirullah, affected by them.

Instead, turn to Allah, turn to the ulama — what should I do in this situation? Some of us have dads like this, some of us have moms like this, some of us have grandparents like this, some of us have children like this, some of us have spouses like this. The solution lies in the deen. Wallahi, the solution lies in the deen.

Two Solutions: Spiritual A'mal and Practical Steps

And I'm going to end with this point. When we say the solution lies in the deen:

The Quran says: "Ask the people of remembrance if you don't know" — ask the people of knowledge.

So the solution is usually two things.

First: Spiritual A'mal

One is a solution through du'a — a dhikr-based solution. Surah al-Baqarah-based solution. The du'a:

Collective dhikr at home. Reading Manzil at home. Doing "the sevens" at home. What else? Sadaqah — feeding the poor, feeding the hungry. Speaking to elders in your community, your parents, grandparents. Calling them and asking them for du'a: "I have a situation at home, I need your du'a." Someone who is in the Haramayn — calling them: "Please, you're in Madinah and Makkah, I would like you to please make du'a for me."

These are the asbab batiniyyah — those asbab which are related to a'mal — good deeds, fasting, sadaqah, salah, du'a from yourself, du'a from others. All of these things. We should have a habit, my brothers — if we have yaqeen on this — that as soon as a situation starts, we all have our phones which have some benefit too. That benefit is you have Cash App, you have Zelle. Quickly Zelle sadaqah. If you have someone overseas that you know, give him a call. Say, "Can you go feed people?"

I remember when someone was mentioning in a bayan, he said one day — I don't know if he was talking about himself or another person — they were walking somewhere on the street and he saw a husband and wife having tea in a chai dukan. You know those tea shops? So he narrated: the husband jumped, ran into the middle of the street, looking around — "Sadaqah, sadaqah, sadaqah" — and then some random beggar came, and he just gave him sadaqah. Then he ran back to the chai shop to his wife. His wife was there and something had happened to her — she had suddenly fallen ill. The first thing he did was jump out and give sadaqah, and then address the situation.

Obviously if someone is bleeding to death, you have to be smart. While you're waiting for the ambulance, what can you do? You're holding them — you can still open your app and send a hundred dollars sadaqah to an organization. Allah is watching. You don't have the ability to feed someone right now, but you gave to an organization that feeds the poor. Why not? If you have someone who can physically, overseas, do it right now — go and feed someone, by all means. Slaughter an animal, by all means.

So this is one type of action. Like this, we have to have yaqeen in our a'mal. That through a'mal, our houses will come right. Surah al-Baqarah can be read at home every day. Adhan can be called. When you're praying, give adhan at home. Reading Surah al-Yasin and Surah al-Rahman to soften people's hearts. Doing isal al-thawab through Surah al-Ikhlas. The list goes on — just ask: "What am I supposed to do? What is the spiritual first aid kit?" Generally speaking, it will be: reciting adhkar, reciting the Quran, sadaqah, fasting, salah, requesting people to make du'a. This is the general toolkit.

That is one massive amount of effort that we need to emphasize to bring harmony within the homes. Do not wait for something to fall apart to start this. Do it on a regular basis.

Second: Seeking Advice and Practically Addressing the Issue

And then number two is: seeking advice and practically addressing the issue. If someone says, "I'm so upset because you throw your socks on the floor" — fix it. If someone says, "I'm upset because you come late," "I'm upset because you don't ever cook," "I'm upset because..." — whatever it is — kids, mom and dad, husband and wife: let's address the issue. Let's throw our ego to one side and say: "You know what — I can't control your heart. I don't even control my own heart. It's in the hands of Allah. But I've got to make my effort. I'm going to try my best not to become a source of stress in the home. I'm going to try my best not to become a source of anger within the home. I hope you start trying as well. But I'm going to do my part." That's it. We start trying our part.

My brothers, but most of the time, the one who is narcissistic, the one who is arrogant, the one who has got an anger problem — do they recognize and realize that? No, they don't. So that's a problem. This is where this weekend's programs are important. You come here, just listen, and say: "Okay, let me listen with ikhlas — ya Allah, whatever I need to hear, let me hear it." And as you're sitting there, you'll be nodding your head, taking notes, and you might even tear up. "That's exactly me right there. I need to work on this. No one has ever told me this in my life."

I mentioned after Isha yesterday of a person — subhanAllah — who is 80 years old, who is regular in tahajjud every day, memorized the Quran at an older age, performs all their salah — but still chooses to violently, emotionally, and physically abuse his wife at this age, and abuses his married children. Astaghfirullah. And their daughter — subhanAllah — was distraught, probably in her 40s. "I can't believe this. What happened to you? What's going on? Have you lost it?" Yeah — you've lost it. Obviously. You don't miss your tahajjud — that's what you're doing.

So how many of our homes are struggling because of this? Salah and a'mal is one thing — very important. But the second thing is we need to actually fix up our homes. If your fridge is leaking, the toilet is leaking, the heater is not working — you don't just do a'mal, you also address the issue. You do a'mal as well, by the way, and you also call the repair guy. Similarly for a marriage situation, or any other situation happening in your home that is toxic — along with a'mal, we need to call for help. This is where therapists come in. This is where ulama come in. This is where a counselor comes in. This is where an elder comes in.

Many of our people have this stigma — we don't do this at all. That's not the way to go. Instead, what we should be doing is put the ego down and say: "I'm ready to seek assistance. I'm ready to seek help." Just like we go to the doctor for any type of issue — this is what it is. Think of it as a doctor, a professional, who can assist us in our situation at home.

Let's keep these two things in mind — spirituality, and then practical visits and consultation from experts in the field. Do this together, and insha'Allah — I'm here to learn, and I hope all of you are here to learn. And I hope, insha'Allah, whatever you've come with, you walk away having found solutions to all of those things.

Program Announcements

And right now, as we end this first session — the program starts at 10. We wanted everyone to be present in person, so anyone from Chicago can easily drive out here an hour and attend today, tomorrow, and Saturday, and Monday. And if they are too far away, then at least share with them the masjiddeas.org website, and they can register for the online session.

In order to get the most benefit, we would encourage every member of the household to attend the workshop. There is a separate session for women only, a separate session for adult men only, and then there are separate sessions from 10 to 6 for kids — ages 5 and up — 5 to 7, 7 to 9, based on age, all the way up to 17. There is age-based and gender-based programming — alhamdulillah, four parallel retreats taking place this weekend starting at 10 AM. If sisters want to listen to the men's talks, they would of course be available to do so. The female side's talks are also live-streamed for those sisters who register for it.

So we've done everything we possibly can, insha'Allah. Now it is a'mal and dhikr and du'a that Allah accepts this program, and that Allah allows hundreds and thousands of people to benefit and to have harmony within their homes. Ameen.

I ask Allah to accept anything beneficial I said and allow me to implement it. And if mistakes were made, we seek forgiveness from Allah as well. Ameen.

Closing Dhikr

And insha'Allah we'll conclude with some remembrance of Allah. Breakfast is alhamdulillah ready, so we'll make it short, insha'Allah.

We also ask Allah to accept the travel of all those who are going to the blessed cities, and those who are there — may Allah accept their travels and accept their du'as.

This Tuesday insha'Allah we will have the last session, then we will have a break for about two weeks insha'Allah, and then restart again in 2025.

Wa jazakumullahu khayran. Wa assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.