Fear Allah Regarding Your Wives! - Shaykh Mustafa Abu Rayyan

Khutbah al-Ula — Opening Sermon

Alhamdulillah, we praise Him, ask for His help, and ask for His forgiveness. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our deeds. Whomsoever Allah guides, none can misguide him, and whomsoever He leads astray, none can guide him.

And I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, alone, and no partner for Him. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger, the purest of heart of His creation, and His companion. Allah has sent him to the people as a bringer of glad tidings and a warner.

He conveyed the message, fulfilled the trust, and advised the Ummah. And he left us on the clear path, its night is like its day — nothing escapes it except one who is destroyed.

May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, his family and his companions, and those who followed his guidance, upheld his Sunnah, and called to his call until the Day of Judgment.

O servants of Allah, Allah says:

O you who have believed, fear Allah as He should be feared, and do not die except as Muslims.

O you people, fear your Lord, Who created you from one soul, and created from it her mate, and spread among them many men and women. And fear Allah, about Whom you ask one another, and the wombs. Verily, Allah is ever watching over you.

O you who have believed, fear Allah, and say the right words. He will set right your deeds, and forgive you your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has certainly won a great triumph.

My dear ones, I advise you and myself to fear Allah and to do good, for Allah is with those who fear Him and are doers of good.

The Prophet ﷺ as Our Role Model

My brothers and sisters, I start by praising Allah Almighty, for Allah is worthy and deserving of our constant praise and gratitude. And I send blessings and salutations upon our beloved Messenger Muhammad ﷺ.

My brothers, our Messenger Muhammad ﷺ would advise us in all aspects of our life. And Allah Almighty sent our Messenger to perfect moral character. The Prophet ﷺ is our role model in everything. So it is extremely important upon us, whatever we are discussing, that we should ask ourselves: what was the Prophet ﷺ like in this situation? What example did he set for us? He is the ultimate authority that we follow.

He is the one who legislated, of course, by the revelation of Allah, right and wrong. And he embodied that. That is why when his beloved wife Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, was asked about the Prophet's ﷺ character, she said: his character was the Qur'an. He was the living embodiment of the Qur'an. So if you want to understand the Qur'an, you need to learn who the Prophet ﷺ was. It is very important that we all understand that.

The Treatment of Our Wives

What I want to talk about today, my brothers and sisters, is our sisters, our wives — the treatment of our wives — and what the Prophet ﷺ said about it, what our religion has said about it, and more importantly, what we should be doing. We have a problem in our communities and our societies, and that problem, my brothers and sisters, is the ill-treatment of our womenfolk, the ill-treatment of our wives, even our sisters and our daughters. This is a fact. It is not a pretty fact, but it exists, my brothers and sisters.

And our Messenger Muhammad ﷺ was someone who addressed the issues in his community. Our Prophet ﷺ would address the issue of the treatment of women a great deal in the Sunnah. You would find him giving us advice over and over again. You would find him correcting his companions in the way they were with their wives. And we should also benefit from that, my brothers and sisters.

If you want to understand how important our relationship with our spouses and our wives is — and their rights — and of course, a husband has rights and the wife has rights, and our religion is a religion that clarified and taught rights and responsibilities. Everyone knows what they have to do, and everyone knows what should be done for them. It is very clear.

As a parent, you know what you should be doing for your children, and you teach your children what they should be doing for the parents. As couples, the wife has rights she must fulfill for her husband, and the husband has rights he must fulfill for his wife. They each have responsibilities they must carry out, and rights they are owed. And this goes for all aspects of society. Your neighbor has rights upon you, even your pets and the animals have rights upon you. This has been made clear in our religion.

The Farewell Sermon: Fear Allah Regarding Your Wives

With regards to discussing the rights of the wives particularly — it is so important — the Prophet ﷺ in his most important speech, the farewell speech, the final gathering that most of the companions were with the Prophet ﷺ, not long before he would pass away. That khutbah that a hundred thousand companions were listening to, the Khutbat al-Wada' — the Prophet ﷺ had only a few moments to address us, and I urge you all to study that khutbah.

These were among the final statements of the Prophet ﷺ, and what did he focus on? A whole aspect of it was related to the womenfolk, to the wives, and the Prophet ﷺ repeated a few times:

Fear Allah with regards to your wives. Fear Allah with regards to your wives. And this goes for every husband. Fear Allah, because Allah will ask you how you treated her, how you were with her — you were married to her for twenty years, thirty years, whatever the case is. Allah will ask you about that, O brothers in faith.

It is extremely important that you understand what our deen wants from us. We need to be more like the Prophet ﷺ.

Indeed, in the Messenger of Allah you have an excellent example.

The Conversation Should Be About Excellence, Not Just Avoiding Harm

And I want to highlight something. A lot of times when we are speaking about the treatment of our sisters and our wives, the conversation becomes: "don't hit them and don't beat them." That shouldn't be what we are talking about. Sadly it is, but it shouldn't be.

Similarly, when Allah speaks about our parents, what does He say?

And be especially dutiful to your parents. Allah rarely tells us — or even never tells us — in the Qur'an: "don't be abusive to your parents." There is one statement:

Do not even say "uff" to them. The smallest thing. Don't grunt. Don't show them that you dislike what they are telling you. Basically, the Qur'an is telling us with regards to our parents: be the best. Forget abuse and wronging your parents and insulting them and not listening to them — be the best you can be. And we need to have a similar conversation when we are talking about our wives. It shouldn't be that we are always talking about harming them. It should be: how can we treat them better? That is where we should be, and that is what the Prophet ﷺ was reminding us.

The Best of You Are the Best to Their Wives

The Prophet ﷺ said in a hadith:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895; also reported in Sahih Ibn Hibban)

The best among you, O men, are the ones who are the best to their wives. That is the benchmark. The best among you are those who are the best to their wives.

When they speak, they speak in the best manner. As Allah says in the Qur'an:

Say to the people a beautiful speech. Talk to them nicely and gently. If the general public deserves for you to speak to them in the best way, then what about your own wife?

The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 54)

Spread the greetings of peace. When you go home, do you greet your wife? Do you show her kindness?

The Prophet ﷺ also said:

(Al-Adab al-Mufrad, Hadith 594; attributed to the Prophet ﷺ)

Give each other gifts and you will love one another. How often are you giving your wife gifts? This is what we should be asking ourselves. This is who the Prophet ﷺ was. And you can clearly see that in his relationship with his wives and how much they loved him. Although he was Rasulullah ﷺ, he was also a husband.

This is why it is important — and I genuinely feel — that when young men are getting married, and those who have been married for a while, they should learn about the Sirah of the Prophet ﷺ. Be like the Prophet ﷺ in your home. Be like the father the Prophet ﷺ was, with your children. Be the husband he was. Or at least try to be. At least try to be.

Live with Them in Kindness — وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

Allah Almighty in the Qur'an, when He was addressing the couples — and especially the men — Allah said:

And live with them in kindness and gentleness. بِالْمَعْرُوفِ — the scholars say this means with kindness and gentleness, but also it means according to the culture and the custom — the best way where you live. Meaning what? Cultures and customs differ. So you have to take that into consideration. This is why the scholars, when they understood this, said: for example, a married couple in a certain area — if the custom and the culture is that the wife gets to do this, or does this, or is given such an amount as her dowry or her monthly allowance, whatever the case is — the benchmark is what the culture and the custom is. That which is agreed upon. So there is actually, in our Shari'ah, we look at the culture and the custom — that which is good and does not go against Islam.

O brothers in faith, the way you treat your wife should be based on the Qur'an, the Sunnah, it should be based on gentleness and kindness, it should be based on how the Prophet ﷺ was, and you should give her the rights that she deserves.

Now, our wives need a similar khutbah. They also need to learn about the rights of their husbands. But today we are addressing this issue, O brothers in faith.

The Prophet's ﷺ Astonishment at Striking One's Wife

The Prophet ﷺ used to be taken aback when men would strike their wives:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5204; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2855)

Will one of you strike his wife? It was something that, although the culture the Prophet ﷺ lived in considered normal, the Prophet ﷺ went at it from a rational perspective: does one of you strike his wife, and then be intimate with her later on, or hug her? It does not make sense. It is not the manly thing to do. This is very important, O brothers in faith, to understand.

Similarly, the Prophet ﷺ, one time, the women of Medina — they complained to him. They complained about their husbands. It shows you again, this topic was not taboo. The sisters and the wives and the womenfolk would come to the Prophet ﷺ complaining about their husbands. This is natural. People transgress upon each other. People make mistakes. But they spoke up. And they should be able to speak up. They went to Rasulullah ﷺ who gave a khutbah about this, and said: those among you whom the wives have been complaining about —

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 1985; reported by Ibn Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him)

They are not the best among you. Why not? Because the best among you are those who treat their wives the best.

O brothers in faith, the concept of striking your wife, or hurting her — and nowadays we even have things like emotional abuse, or verbally degrading them — this is not Islam. This is not our Prophet ﷺ. This is not our religion. And rather than just talking about it and reiterating these points all the time, our Prophet ﷺ was not like this. We need to embody this.

O brothers in faith, be more like the Prophet ﷺ in the treatment of your wife. Be more like the Prophet ﷺ in your life generally.

Aqulu qawli hadha wa astaghfiru Allaha li wa lakum wa li saa'ir il-muslimin min kulli dhanb, fastaghfiruhu innahu huwa al-Ghafur al-Rahim.

Khutbah al-Thaniyah — Second Sermon

Al-hamdulillah, wa al-salatu wa al-salamu 'ala Rasulillah.

O brothers in faith, I am going to conclude with a few points.

Accountability Before Allah

Number one: everything that you do in this world, Allah will ask you about it. It is being written down by the angels and you will be held accountable for it. We have a responsibility for those who are under our care. Your children, your spouse — they are your responsibility, and Allah will ask you about them: how you treated them, and how you were with them. It is extremely important that we understand this responsibility.

Your Family Is a Source of Reward

And, O brothers in faith, they are also a source of good for you. You can gain a great deal of reward by simply being a good father. You can gain a great deal of reward by simply being a good husband. The Prophet ﷺ said to us: you will be rewarded for providing food for your family. Even the morsel of food that you place in the mouth of your wife, Allah rewards you for it. This was the wording of the Prophet ﷺ.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 56; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1628)

Gentleness Is the Sunnah

The Prophet ﷺ encourages us, when we go into our home, to greet, to be kind, to be gentle. In fact, he said: everything that has gentleness in it is made better by it. It is not the Sunnah to be harsh in your home — not with your children and not with your wife. The Sunnah is to be kind and gentle.

Now, sometimes you have to deal with issues and problems. But even then, do it in the best way. Do it with gentleness and kindness. Gentleness does not enter into something except it makes it better — as the Prophet ﷺ said.

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594)

The Prophet ﷺ Never Struck Anyone

Let us fear Allah Almighty in our treatment of our wives. And let us listen to the Prophet ﷺ in his final khutbah when he said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5186; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1468)

Take good care of the women.

(Reported in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1218, from the Farewell Sermon)

Fear Allah with regards to your women.

The final point I want to share is: the Prophet ﷺ never struck anyone. Whether it was the womenfolk or the children — never. This is who he was. There is no need. Be more like the Prophet ﷺ. Emulate who he was. He never struck anyone. And you know who is reporting that hadith? It was Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her.

And the Prophet ﷺ one time came across a companion who had a servant. The servant did something wrong that resulted in many of this companion's sheep or goats being eaten — he did not do his job properly. This upset him, and he struck the servant. The Prophet ﷺ was standing behind him. The companion realized what he had done was wrong. And then, what did the Prophet ﷺ say to him?

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1659)

Allah has more power over you than the power you have over this servant. The companion said, "Ya Rasulullah, I will never do this again." The Prophet ﷺ stood there silent. The companion repeated, "Ya Rasulullah, I will never do this again," until finally he said, "Ya Rasulullah, I am going to free this servant." And the Prophet ﷺ said: if he had not done that, you would have been punished for it.

So this is how the Prophet ﷺ was reminding us that even if we have power over others, authority over others, we should never abuse that authority. Fear Allah wherever you are. Fear Allah with regards to your family. Fear Allah with regards to your wives.

Du'a — Closing Supplication

I ask Allah to make us more like the Prophet ﷺ. I ask Allah to forgive our sins and our transgressions.

وَآخِرُ دَعْوَانَا أَنِ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ، وَصَلَّى اللَّهُ وَسَلَّمَ عَلَى نَبِيِّنَا مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ أَجْمَعِينَ.