Establishing An Islamic Household - Sheikh Hafeez-Ullah

Establishing an Islamic Household

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. And whosoever is misguided, there is no guide for him. I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, alone, with no partner. And I bear witness that our Master and Protector is Muhammad, His servant and Messenger. As for what follows, the best hadith is the Book of Allah. And the best gift is the guidance of Muhammad ﷺ.

Brothers and sisters in Islam, the Muslim families in the West are blessed with everything — wealth, security, a peaceful atmosphere, and more. But still we are facing many issues here. And the most important issue we need to deal with is the tarbiyah and upbringing of our children and our new generation. We hear news every day such as drug raids in Muslim households, Muslim girls running away from home, and other such incidents.

Likewise, you will have heard of the recent news where parents are accused of the killing of their own daughter because they thought she was on the wrong track. One reason given for such an incident is the name of honour killing, both here and in our homelands. This is totally against Islam and has no link with Islamic guidelines.

Islam does not permit that on the basis of doubt, you take someone's life. And even if the matter is true, still Islam does not permit that anyone takes the law into their own hands. Anyone who does this, Islam considers them as one who spreads mischief on this earth. And they become entitled to Allah's wrath, anger and punishment.

Allah says: if anyone kills a believer deliberately, his reward shall be eternal hell. Allah will condemn him and reject him and prepare for him a terrible punishment.

Who Bears the Responsibility?

The question arising here is: who do we blame, and what leads to such incidents taking place? If we study the Quran and Hadith, we can easily say that the blame goes firstly on the parents — on those parents who have children as a blessing from Allah, but they fail to fulfill their responsibilities as parents.

The Prophet ﷺ says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1385; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2658)

Every child is born on fitrah — on Islam — but the parents turn the child to Christianity, to Judaism, or to fire-worshipping.

And the Prophet ﷺ also says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 893; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1829)

Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible and will be questioned about your responsibility.

The Quranic Obligation of Tarbiyah

Islam has not only given great importance to the tarbiyah of our children — it is an obligation upon the parents. As Allah says:

O you who believe, save yourselves and your families from the Fire.

Allah also says:

Order your family to offer prayers, and you too be steadfast in your prayers.

And the Prophet ﷺ says:

(Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 495)

You should order your children to pray when they are seven years old.

Another hadith states that a woman came to the Prophet ﷺ with her daughter, who was wearing two gold bangles. The Prophet ﷺ asked the mother, "Have you paid the zakah on this gold?" She said no. The Prophet ﷺ replied, "Would you like it that Allah puts two bangles of fire on your hands on the Day of Judgment?" So the woman removed the two bangles from her daughter's hand and gave them to the Prophet ﷺ to spend in the way of Allah.

These ayat and these ahadith indicate that parents are responsible for their children. Our responsibility is not just limited to providing daily necessities such as food and clothes for our children. Our main duty is their tarbiyah, so they can be recognised as good Muslims and good citizens of the society.

What True Tarbiyah Means

Tarbiyah — upbringing — does not mean we simply teach our children to read the Quran, or that we leave it upon the madrasa or masjid to make our children good Muslims. We should ourselves teach our children the pillars of Islam, the pillars of Iman, the belief in the Day of Judgment, the facts about the grave, about paradise and hellfire, about being truthful and honest, being trustworthy, having a good character with good manners, and how to refrain from foul language and lying. We should also teach them about the rights of others upon them. These teachings will make our children closer to the deen and help in their better upbringing.

The elders must be role models and a good example for the children, which helps greatly in their tarbiyah — and especially so from their parents. If they are good, then the atmosphere in the home will be good, and vice versa.

We see some parents who only think about their own hereafter. The father prays, and so does the mother. The father attends the masjid, but they never call their children to pray with them. The Prophet ﷺ says about such parents that there are three types of people whom Allah will not look at or speak to on the Day of Judgment — and among them is the shameless person who accepts bad deeds in his home and does not refrain his children from doing bad deeds.

Making Du'a for Your Children

Parents should also pray for their children — make du'a for their well-being not only in this world but also in the hereafter, both before they are born and after. But many parents don't even make du'a for their children. It is the sunnah of the prophets that they used to pray for their children.

As mentioned in the Quran, the Prophet Ibrahim ﷺ prayed:

O Allah, give me pious children. And after the birth of his children, he prayed:

O Allah, save me and my children from idol-worshipping. O Allah, make me and my children those who establish the prayers.

Usually parents are heard making prayers for their children such as: "May Allah give you a long life," "May Allah give you health," "May Allah make you successful in your education," "May Allah bless your business." My friends, all these prayers are related to this world. And these prayers are not wrong — they are good. But what is a long life in which there are only bad deeds?

A companion asked the Prophet ﷺ, "Who is the best person?" The Prophet ﷺ said, "The best person is the one whose life is long and whose deeds are good." He asked, "Who is the worst person?" The Prophet ﷺ said, "The one whose life is long but who is involved in bad things." So don't just pray for a long life, but also pray for the well-being of the children in the hereafter.

The Home Environment and Its Impact

And one of the major reasons that puts our children on the wrong track is when they see their parents fighting and arguing all the time in the home. Children who witness this become negative-minded in their own lives, and such an atmosphere in the house then leaves no opportunity for the parents to do tarbiyah of their children.

And one more reason is when parents get separated or divorced — this has a major effect on the children. We have seen that a large majority of the children who are on the wrong path are mostly from single-parent families. In any case, our effort should be to give to society such children, such citizens, who are going to revive the name of Islam in the right way.

The Importance of Choosing a Pious Spouse

Keeping all of this in view, the one main point that comes to the fore is the mother — the wife. If the woman of the household is pious and fears Allah, then a lot of these issues can be overcome. If the wife and mother are pious and righteous, then surely their children will also become pious. And if we want our children to grow up in a pious atmosphere, then we must ensure that when marrying, we select a wife who is pious and will bring this piety into our home.

As the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1466)

One marries a woman for four reasons: her wealth, her beauty, her family, and her deen. And the Prophet ﷺ guided that if you select the pious woman for her deen, you will be successful.

In another hadith, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ says:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 1857)

If anyone can benefit you in this world after the fear of Allah, that is a pious wife. Whenever you order her to do something good, she obeys. When you see her, you feel happiness. And when you are away from home, she protects your wealth, her respect, and her chastity.

Those brothers who are already married — if their wives are not pious and not practising, then it is their duty to provide Islamic education to them and prepare them so that they can bring happiness and piety into the home. And those brothers who are planning to get married and want to have a secure and happy future with pious children, they should not look anywhere else except for a pious wife. And parents are also responsible for looking for a religiously suitable partner for their children.

The Example of Umm Sulaym

The lives of the companions have many examples from which we can learn how we can be successful in the tarbiyah of our children. One example is of Umm Sulaym رضي الله عنها, the mother of Anas رضي الله عنه. She was a woman who left many good examples for us.

She accepted Islam, but her husband remained a non-Muslim. So she used to secretly teach her son, Anas, لا إله إلا الله — Kalimah Tawhid — and the basics of Islam. Her husband used to say, "You are making my son a non-believer," but she would say, "I am making him a religious man." And when her husband left her and went to Syria, she migrated from Mecca to Madinah with her small child, Anas رضي الله عنه, empty-handed.

She arrived in Madinah empty-handed. And in this situation, a wealthy man from Madinah, Abu Talha رضي الله عنه, proposed to her for marriage. She replied to him, "A relation like yours cannot be refused. But you are a non-Muslim, and I am a Muslim, so I cannot marry you." She also said, "You make idols yourself and then worship them."

Then Abu Talha offered her lots of gold and lots of silver if she wanted to marry him. But she replied, "I do not need any silver or gold from you. What I want from you is Islam. If you accept Islam, then that will be my mahr — my dowry — from you."

So Abu Talha asked, "How can I become a Muslim?" She sent him to the Prophet ﷺ. And when the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ saw him coming into the masjid, he said to his companions, "Look, Abu Talha has come, and I can see the light of Islam between his eyes." And so he embraced Islam. He then went on to serve Islam greatly. The narrators of this hadith say that they had never heard of such a precious mahr being given in marriage.

A son was born to Abu Talha and Umm Sulaym رضي الله عنها, and upon his birth, she said to her eldest son Anas: "Take my newborn son to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ for tahneek, so that the first thing he tastes on this earth is from the Prophet ﷺ's blessed mouth." Usually mothers want their child to be breastfed first. But Umm Sulaym wanted the child to first taste the dates from the Prophet ﷺ's mouth, so that love for the religion and love for the Messenger of Allah ﷺ could arise in him from the very beginning. And in this way, she started the upbringing of her son.

Conclusion

Brothers and sisters, there are many examples of companions in Islam which teach us about the right way to do tarbiyah of our children. If we want to end the challenges and problems we are facing, this is the way through which we can raise our children. May Allah guide us all and enable us to understand and act upon these teachings.

الحمد لله رب العالمين