Mistakes. How to Face, Learn, and Grow From Them.

Mistakes: How to Face, Learn, and Grow From Them

الحمد لله وحده، والصلاة والسلام على من لا نبي بعده، نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلّم اللهم تسليمًا كثيرًا. أما بعد.

All praise is due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, his family, his companions, and his followers until the Day of Judgment. I bear witness that Allah is the only one worthy of worship and that Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, is his last and final messenger.

My brothers and sisters, I would like to speak to you today about something we all do, something that we all fall into, but not all of us know how to deal with — which is mistakes: wrongdoing, incorrect actions. And sometimes we do things which are immoral, something that is not allowed, something haram, something wrong.

The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, told us: all human beings make mistakes and do wrong. In Sahih Muslim, Allah says: you commit sins day and night. So Allah knows that. Allah said about human beings — it is the nature of the human being to transgress and to be ignorant. And transgression leads to making mistakes, and ignorance leads to making mistakes as well.

That is why the Quran specifically mentioned this fact. The reality is that people will make mistakes. And that is why the Quran even mentioned the mistakes of the best of people — not to point out or to focus on the mistakes, but to tell every one of us that if the best among us make mistakes, it is not a surprise. It is expected that those who strive for virtue will also make mistakes.

The Quran many times reprimanded the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, corrected him, and mentioned the mistake at the beginning of humanity — like Adam, alayhi salam. But the point in all these stories is not the mistake. It is what those prophets, messengers, and great men and women did afterward. The companions — some of their mistakes were mentioned in the Quran as well:

Allah pointed out how, during the khutbah of Jumu'ah, when a trade caravan arrived in Madinah, they left the khutbah and went to see what it had brought. They were looking for food — there was a shortage at that time in Madinah. So they left the khutbah just to see what that caravan had brought. And Allah reprimanded them. There are so many verses like that. But the point always is: what happened after? How did those mistakes lead to a better outcome for those individuals?

The First Reflection: Understanding the Mistake Itself

لابد لنا موقفات مع الخطأ — مفهوم الخطأ، الوقفة الأولى مع الخطأ نفسه.

The first point I would like to reflect upon when it comes to mistakes and wrongdoing — the mistake in itself.

1. Acknowledge It Without Justifying It

We have to realize: yes, mistakes happen. But we should never justify our mistakes by saying "everybody makes mistakes."

الخطأ يقع ولا يُوقَع. — It happens, but you don't make it happen deliberately. Nobody is forcing you to make a mistake. Nobody is forcing you to commit a sin. Nobody is forcing you to do the wrong thing. But if it happens, you acknowledge it, correct yourself, and move on. That is why anytime you are forced into a sin, it is not considered a sin — when you have no will. But it is never a justification to say, "This is the qadar of Allah," and then keep doing the wrong things without trying to change.

You know what — "I'm just an angry person" — that does not justify using bad language, hurting people, being mean, or not being fair to others. That is not acceptable.

2. Identify and Define the Mistake

أن تعرف الخطأ وتحدده. You need to identify the mistake. So many times we cannot even identify our shortcomings. Where am I coming from? What are my mistakes? What are my problems? Many times we don't invest time to look deeper into ourselves and see where our weakness lies, where it is coming from, and what the root causes of these mistakes are. And that is an important thing to look at.

3. Understand the Level and Nature of the Mistake

معرفة مرتبة الخطأ. There is a difference between a mistake which is shirk — a'udhu billah — or kufr, or minor shirk, or a major sin, or a minor sin. There is a difference between:

لازم ومتعدي — a mistake that is related to me personally, and a mistake that impacts others and people around me. A mistake done at an individual level, and a mistake that is systematic — affecting an entire institution, an entire movement, an entire organization. These are two different types of mistakes.

شيء متعدٍّ، شيء لازم، كبير، صغير، فردي، جماعي.

Also: a mistake that keeps happening every time — repeated mistakes — versus a mistake that happened on one occasion for a specific reason, and those circumstances no longer exist. I treat every mistake seriously, but they are at different levels, and I have to treat each level and give it the attention it deserves.

أيضًا، الأخطاء منها ما هو عُرفي ومنها ما هو شرعي. Some mistakes are Islamically considered sins. And some are morally not necessarily a sin but not appropriate — not good. For example, silly talk, silly jokes, silly comments — these might not be a sin, but it is not an appropriate way of talking. It is not فضائل الأخلاق — not good manners. It is still considered a mistake.

4. Ignorance vs. Intentional Transgression

The scholars, may Allah have mercy on them, said: الخطأ إذا كان عن جهل وغير قصد فهو ضد العلم. A mistake done out of ignorance — because of a lack of knowledge — that is one type. But there is also a mistake that is ليس عن جهل، بل عن تعمد وقصد وتعدٍّ وظلم — not out of ignorance, but out of deliberate intent and transgression. I know it is wrong, I know it is not right, but I still do it.

That is why Allah said about the human being:

He is ظلوم because he makes mistakes intentionally — that is the transgression. And جهول — he makes mistakes out of ignorance. Both. And both you should be aware of.

The Second Reflection: The Causes of Mistakes

لابد لنا يكون هنا وقف مع أسباب الخطأ. You have to think — when you look at your own mistakes and the mistakes that happen around you — about the causes. What caused these mistakes to happen? What are the reasons? What led me to do these mistakes?

Sometimes it is simple ignorance. I made a mistake because I don't know the right way. For example, mistakes that happen in the janazah because nobody ever taught us what the sunnah is in relation to this. That is a simple thing. The cure will be easy once I know the root cause: I need to learn and educate myself about this issue.

Sometimes — and it is dangerous — it is الهوى: desire. There is so much desire and love for the haram. There is a difference between someone who is in a haram relationship and someone who is simply driven by desire — he knows it will continue and grow. You need to look at which one it is, and start looking into how to deal with that.

Also, sometimes the cause is money. There are people for whom money is so strong in their hearts — a desire that takes over their mind and soul. So look at whether it is a desire and look into how to deal with it.

Sometimes it is because of a certain time. Every time you stay late at night, you do this haram thing. Every time you are alone, you do this thing. Every time you travel to a certain place. There may be a specific time — like a recurring period — when you know you struggle. So you need to know that period, avoid the triggers, and put a plan in place. You are not going to stay alone during that time.

Another reason could be the state you are in. Some situations — for example, being single, or being between jobs, or having too much free time. You need to look at what the causes are.

Maybe certain places can be the cause. Every time I go to a particular place, the haram comes. You need to change the way you deal with that. Maybe the place is the one causing the problem.

Also it could be the cause is the friends and people you are with. Every time I hang out with those people, I end up backbiting or talking about people a lot. Every time I hang with those people, I miss salah. Every time I meet them, I feel more arrogant, more attached to the dunya. Nobody reminds me of the akhira. And some people are so negative — when you are with them, you just criticize everybody.

The Third Reflection: Pausing With Your Own Soul After the Sin

وقفة مع نفسك المخطئة — when you look at your soul after committing the sin.

Admit It. Regret It. Repent.

Admit it. Regret it. Don't try to justify it. This is between you and Allah. Just admit it, regret it, hold yourself accountable, and repent to Allah. Do not try to justify it — "Oh, it's my destiny," or "At least I'm better than this person," or "At least my kids are good." This kind of thinking is not acceptable.

Sometimes a mistake made by an organization is treated as "just one incident." Or a group always justifies their mistakes and is never willing to make any change in their methodology — always finding an excuse.

I once had a meeting with the leader of one of the largest Muslim movements in the Muslim world — a huge movement. I mentioned to them a book they use and told them it was filled with fabricated hadith and fabricated narrations. Many Muslim scholars would love to go over that book and remove these fabricated narrations, offering replacements with authentic ones. Why has nobody ever thought about making that change? He said, "I don't think we need it." I asked why. He said, "Because it's been perfect." I said, "How can it be perfect when there is fabrication in this book — a hadith attributed to al-Bukhari that is actually a fabricated hadith?" But they were not willing to admit the mistake. A person who represents a movement of millions of people — and not willing to admit a mistake — there is no way they can improve.

Also, be serious when you deal with your mistakes. Don't take them lightly. Some of the early scholars used to say: your sin and your mistakes — their size depends on you, the one who commits them. The more you see your sin as insignificant, the more significant it becomes in the eyes of Allah. And the more you see your sin as severe and weighty, the more Allah sees it as something that can be forgiven and made small. The opposite dynamic applies.

So what is your attitude towards your mistakes? Don't ever focus on the symptoms and forget about the root cause. The root cause of the problem is what must be addressed. May Allah make us among those who always repent to Him and always improve themselves.

The Fourth Reflection: How to Deal with Others Who Make Mistakes

Now — reflecting on how to deal with people who commit mistakes or commit sins.

Remember That Mistakes Are of Different Levels

Don't treat the person who made a very major mistake the same as someone who made a minor one that rarely happens — just one isolated incident — versus someone who keeps repeating the same mistake again and again. Remember that.

Some Who Make Mistakes Are Rewarded

Remember also that people who make mistakes — some of them are actually rewarded, even if they erred. Like a scholar who made his best judgment — ijtihad — and made a mistake. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said:

When you make your ijtihad — your best judgment — based on knowledge and trying your best, and you make a mistake, you still get a reward. Some are sinful because their ijtihad was based on no knowledge or based on هوى. Some have no reward; some have no sin.

Consider the Context of the Person

There are different levels to consider: Is the person older or younger? A youth or a teenager versus a child versus an older person — not the same. Is this a new Muslim versus someone who has been Muslim their whole life? Is the person making mistakes openly and proudly, or trying to hide their sin and feeling shame? Is the person arguing and justifying and fighting back, or are they saying, "You know what, I'm wrong"? You don't treat all of these the same.

Check Your Intention When Correcting Others

Especially with your children and your family — make sure when you deal with someone who has made a mistake and you want to correct them, that your intention is pure. Make sure that you are not there to catch somebody doing something wrong. I always say: catch people doing something right, not wrong.

Differentiate Between the Person and the Action

Don't judge a person completely based on one mistake. What they did is wrong — but that doesn't mean this person is completely doomed. Differentiate between the wrong and the wrong: not everybody who commits an act of kufr is a kafir. Not everybody who commits a bid'ah is a mubtadi'. That is an obvious principle of Ahlul Sunnah.

Don't ever point to someone and say they are wrong unless you have knowledge. Don't act on "I heard..." There is a difference between giving someone advice and reprimanding or punishing someone for their mistakes. Be just and fair.

Some mistakes can be overlooked for a greater benefit, and some cannot. Also, don't exaggerate mistakes. Make sure that you remember to make du'a for those who make mistakes. Make sure to remember that sometimes winning the people is more important than winning the debate.

Make sure you remember — when dealing with people's mistakes — that people don't care until they know that you care about them. They don't care about your corrections and your advice until they feel that you truly care about them. Make sure that you are doing this with gentleness, with mercy.

Final Words: Making the Change Happen

If you have a mistake and you want to change it — give yourself the time to make that change happen, to correct your mistakes. Always try to do the complete opposite. If you are someone who is aggressive, force yourself to calm down and learn how to calm down.

Make sure that you are always hasty to do good. Don't procrastinate: "After Hajj I will change." "After I get married I will change." "After I turn 40 I will change." Don't delay it.

Also, don't go from one extreme to the other. If you are at one extreme to the right, don't swing to the extreme of the left.

Make sure that you look at yourself and take advantage of the moments when your heart is strong and you are highly motivated — like in Ramadan, or when something moves you and you are ready to repent. Take advantage of that moment.

Also, don't be arrogant. Take it step by step. Don't do too much at once. Start with yourself.

One of the ways of making change happen — at the level of individuals and at the level of organizations — is to always look at the root cause of your problem and try to deal with it.

The Example of Imam Ahmad

One of the most beautiful things that Imam Ahmad, may Allah have mercy on him, was described with — one of his students said: "I was in the company of Ahmad for 20 years — morning, night, summer, winter. Every day I met Imam Ahmad, I found him a better person than the day before. His knowledge, his character, his manners — all improved from yesterday." Every day. Not every month. Not every Ramadan.

So we ask Allah to make us among those who constantly improve, constantly grow, until we meet Allah while He is pleased with us.

Du'a

O Allah, forgive our mistakes and grant us the best of manners, and help us always to improve. O Allah, release the oppressed everywhere and put out the fire of war and sedition among the Muslims. O Allah, make us safe in our homes and make us among your chosen ones. O Allah, the Majestic and the Generous, reform the affairs of the Muslim lands and their leaders, or replace them with something better. O Allah, protect us from the evil within ourselves, and do not hold us accountable for what the foolish among us have done. O Allah, make us safe — O Living, O Self-Sufficient — on the Day of the Greatest Terror, the day we meet You while You are pleased with us, O Most Merciful. O Allah, heal the sick. O Allah, have mercy on the dead, O Majestic and Generous, and have mercy on us when we reach what they have reached. O Allah, reform our children and our spouses, enrich those of us who are poor, bless those of us who are rich, and have mercy on us — indeed, You are the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving. And send down Your mercy and Your favor upon this mosque and its people. And peace and blessings be upon Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and companions. And establish the prayer.