How Much Sabr Should You Have In A Difficult Marriage. ⏳

How Much Sabr Should You Have In A Difficult Marriage?

His question is: is part of sabr being patient with a very difficult spouse who is very argumentative, very stubborn, has a short temper, makes life difficult, makes you want to finish the marriage as soon as possible? He mentions examples in the Quran of Nuh and of Lut, who were patient with very difficult wives — or wives who were disbelievers — for long periods of time. Is this part of sabr, or is this not called for and unneeded?

My answer is as follows.

Sabr Is Foundational to Marriage

There is absolutely no doubt that there is a significant level of sabr required in marriage. You want to learn sabr? Get married. Wallah, you'll learn the hard way.

Go ask uncle if you want. 20 years — he'll let you know.

Honestly, yes, many of you know I got married at a young age, and I mention this sometimes just to inspire young people — that look, if you get married, you would forcibly develop sabr. It is 100% certain that you require a degree of sabr in order to be patient with your spouse, husband or wife. Different person, different culture, different world, different life, their own flaws, their own mistakes.

You have to have some level of sabr to accept their harm and to still consistently be good to them.

When Sabr Has Its Limits

There is a level of harm at which sabr becomes something negative. There is a level of harm at which Allah gives you the license to end the marriage — to dissolve the marriage. As we know, talaq, or faskh, or various forms including khul' — if there is physical harm, if there is significant abuse in the marriage, if there is incompatibility between the spouses, and various other reasons — there is enough justification. The shari'ah has created this exit. It is an emergency exit.

Now, you wouldn't exit from the emergency exit every day — but in case of emergency, you can exit.

The System of Mediation

However, in order to make sure people don't use the divorce license very easily and simply whenever they feel down, Allah created a system of mediation. If you have an issue with your spouse, first — remind them. Then after that, don't sleep in the same bed as them. Then third, mediation — bring two people, somebody from both families. A neutral third party. To try and help both spouses reconcile.

Try to reconcile once, twice, three times, four, five, six — as many times as you possibly can. When you reach a point where the differences are not reconcilable, where you've been through as much sulh as possible, and you've attempted mediations and involved the local imam and the family council — you tried everything and it's not working — there is a point in time when it may be untenable, it might be unviable for the marriage to continue, and you may have to consider a form of divorce.

The Examples of Nuh and Lut

Now, Nuh عليه السلام was patient with his wife who was disbelieving. Lut عليه السلام was patient with his wife who was disbelieving. Does this mean that we should also be patient for decades and decades, and that there is no point at which you can crack, at which you can take the emergency exit?

No. Allah, in our shari'ah, has created the emergency exit for a reason.

Seek Expert Guidance Before Making a Decision

However, one of the things the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم taught us — you can say 80% of marriage is about sabr. It's about overlooking the faults, getting through the hard times, getting through the dips, the ups and the downs, hoping that there is a steady state later on. Try, try, and try again — and keep trying.

But there is a point where you will need expert guidance — from a sheikh, or a scholar, or somebody known who understands the shari'ah — to tell you: "Listen, habibi, that's it. There's no hope now."

Don't try to make that ijtihad on your own. Always try to consult somebody so that you don't end the marriage prematurely.