How To Have Effortless Relationships With Anyone

The Art of Relationships

One of the most important parts of his character is how he dealt with people. How did he deal with people? The first rule is to have a warm, soft, loving presence. That is the first rule.

It doesn't matter who you deal with. Your presence — his state of being — was always warm, soft, loving, easygoing, genuine. No matter how much you follow the other rules, the other principles from his life, if you don't have this presence, this loving, warm, approachable, easygoing presence, people will run away from you.

The Five Rules of the Prophet's Relationships

Rule One: A Warm, Soft, and Loving Presence

The second is to treat every person and every relationship with the dues they deserve. Treat the elder like the elder deserves. The youngster like the youngster deserves. The leader, different from the follower. The close, different from the far. One from your family, different from one outside the family. Everybody has a different place in the wider picture. And so they need treatment according to who they are and where they are from.

As Ali ibn Abi Talib says, speak to people at their level. So sometimes you have to go down a level to simplify things. Sometimes you have to go up a level to make things more complicated, but it depends who you are speaking to. Similarly, the Prophet ﷺ treated people according to where they were at, not where he was at. He would come to their level.

Rule Two: Always Be the First to Initiate

The third rule from the Prophet's ﷺ relationships is always be the first to initiate. And if not — if somebody started, like let's say someone gave you a gift, someone said salam — always reciprocate, always give back what they gave. And if you don't have something equal to give back, then just give whatever you have.

Rule Three: Every Relationship Needs Renewal

Number four, one of the rules of the Prophet's ﷺ relationships: every relationship needs to be refreshed. It needs renewal. Otherwise it dries and it disappears, it breaks away. Every relationship needs to be refreshed or renewed. What we call in Arabic, husn al-'ahd or al-ta'ahud.

Rule Four: Give Priority to the One Who Needs It Most

And the last: what happens when the rights of two people or two groups overlap — they conflict? Let's say your mother wants to visit you and your in-laws want to visit you at the same time. Or a close companion asks something from the Prophet ﷺ and a Bedouin from far comes and asks him. Who does he cater to when they conflict? When two people, two worlds, two spheres of his life come into clash, what does he do? He gives priority to the one who needs it more. Not necessarily the one who's closest to him.

What Was the Prophet ﷺ Really Like?

Some of us may wonder — what was it like to hang around the Prophet ﷺ? What was he like on a day-to-day basis? While he was eating, while he was relaxing, while he was sleeping, while he was walking about the city, the streets of Medina. Was he always in work mode, serious, battle face on? Or did he sometimes relax? Did he sometimes smile? Did he sometimes have a laugh? Was he sometimes casual? Many of us wonder what was he really like. Some of us have this image of the Prophet ﷺ that he was always on — in game mode, serious, like there was a battle about to break out. Because he had so many jobs to do: family man, a leader, a warrior, and so many other things. So maybe he's always busy, always serious, always distracted.

No.

When you look at the people closest to him, Abu Hala رضي الله عنه — when he was asked what was the Prophet ﷺ like, just on a regular day — he said: he was always smiling. Easygoing, relaxed. Soft and gentle. Not harsh, not angry. He would not use bad language, he would not curse, he would not swear, he would not be lewd or vulgar in his language. He wouldn't always be criticizing, and not always praising either. If there was some food he didn't like or some behavior he didn't like, he would just overlook it.

Jarir ibn Abdullah al-Bajali رضي الله عنه says: Every time I saw the Prophet ﷺ, he smiled a big smile. And Abdullah ibn al-Harith رضي الله عنه says: I never saw anybody smile as much as the Prophet ﷺ.

So it turns out that in the Prophet's ﷺ gathering, on a hot summer's day, in the shade of Medina — if you were to come and sit next to him while he was just sitting with his companions — what would that gathering look like? He would smile, he would joke with his companions.

The Prophet ﷺ said: Allah loves for someone to be sahl — easygoing, just relaxed. Why are you so stiff and tense? Relax. Be easygoing when you buy, when you sell, when you go to the judge. Just relax. Be easygoing. Why are you always tense? This is the nature of the Prophet ﷺ.

The Story of Abu Huraira and the Bath

One day, he meets Abu Huraira رضي الله عنه in Medina. And then Abu Huraira رضي الله عنه realized he's in a state of major impurity. So he goes home, he takes a bath, and he comes back. The Prophet ﷺ says, "Where did you go? Where were you? I missed you." So he says, "I was impure, so I went to take a bath." The Prophet ﷺ laughs and says, "A believer can never be impure." Meaning: you can never be impure of iman. You can always hang around me. Even if you don't have wudu, you can always stick around.

He Would Ask After Those Who Were Absent

He would ask for those who were not present. Famously, Julaybib رضي الله عنه — one day he's in a gathering and he says, "Where's Julaybib? I don't see him. Where has he gone?" He would miss people, ask after people, be concerned about people, worry about their personal life, ask questions about who they are, what they're concerned about, make du'a for them. This was the gathering of the Prophet ﷺ.

This is the first rule: be warm, be smiley, be gentle, be loving. If you don't have this trait, develop this trait. It requires personal sacrifice — fight with yourself to get there.

Always Be the First to Give

The second rule: the Prophet ﷺ would always be the first to start in everything.

For example, in salam — he comes into a room. Usually the leader waits for everybody to stand up to greet him. I remember even when I was in school, when the teacher entered the room, we had to stand up. As-salamu alaykum. And the teacher would say, Wa alaykum salam, sit down. The Prophet ﷺ, if he entered a room, he would be the first to say salam.

Somebody comes to him and this person is shaking. He would say, "Relax, I'm just a man, I'm just a human being like you." And he would be the first to give salam. If somebody came to sit in front of him, he would usually have a shawl, a big cloak around him. He would remove this cloak and put it out in front of them so they don't sit on the sand — they sit on the clothes of the Prophet ﷺ. And if he was sitting on a cushion, he would take the cushion off and put it in front of the person who was coming to sit in front of him. He would always start.

One of the most important principles of relationships: every relationship is give and take. Any relationship which is purely one-sided — one person is always giving, one person is always taking — that relationship is very imbalanced. And it only works in some rare scenarios, like with parents. Parents are all giving and there's very little they can take from us. But in friendships, relatives, in these relationships, if somebody is always giving you a gift, always inviting you, but you're not returning, it sours the relationship.

The Prophet ﷺ said: somebody does something good to you, always return. Try to give like for like. If you can't, give whatever you can. So when someone would come to the Prophet ﷺ and give him something, he would give them something in return. Or if nothing else, he would smile at them, he would say some pleasing words to them.

So his nature: he would always be the first one to start. Start with a smile, start with a salam, start with a greeting, start with a gift. And if somebody else ended up starting, he would always give in return. If somebody is speaking to him, he won't interrupt them — he'll wait until they finish, even if it is his greatest enemy.

Al-Walid ibn al-Mughira sat in front of him to threaten him when he was in Mecca — to tell him: listen, we'll give you women, we'll give you money, we'll give you whatever you want, but tell us what you want to stop this Islam business. The Prophet ﷺ waited, waited, waited for him to give his long speech. Then he said, "Are you done speaking? Can I speak now?"

The Prophet ﷺ at Home

Last but not least: the family of the Prophet ﷺ. What was the Prophet ﷺ like with his family, with his wives, with his children? The Prophet ﷺ would mend his own shoes, sew his own buttons, fix and clean his own clothes. The word his wife used:

He was in the service of his family. When he was at home, he was helping out.

I know, gentlemen — after a long day of work, we get tired. We want to just sit on the couch. There's the father's sofa. Father always sits on this particular part of the sofa. And he lifts his legs. He's done his day's job. But this is the hard work. This is the jihad of the Prophet ﷺ. There's a jihad at home as well. Yes, you're tired. Yes, the lower back is hurting. Yes, you have sweat. Yes, you have no desire in the world to get up. But just for the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, get up and do something in the house.

How He Was with His Daughter Fatima

How was he with his wives, with his children? If his daughter Fatima entered the house, he would stand up to meet her and kiss her on her forehead. This is how he'd greet his daughter. Daughters — how were they dealt with before he came as a Prophet? They would bury them alive. And here he is, standing up for his daughter and kissing her on the forehead just to greet her. And he says, if somebody enters a room, they should never expect people to stand up for them. But yet with his own daughter, he would stand up to greet her. Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

Al-Hassan and Al-Hussain in His Sujood

He's in salah. His two naughty grandchildren, Al-Hassan and Al-Hussain, come to climb on his back. What does he do? He stays in sujood. What do we do? We do a wrestling smackdown — make sure we tear a few ligaments on the way, break a few bones so this child learns never to climb on my back again. He stays. His sujood is so long, the companions start lifting their heads. What's going on? Has he forgotten that he's in salah? And they just see a child using him as a horse. He stays in salah.

He's praying salah — and we know how much he loves salah, we know that the most peaceful moment in his life was the moment he says Allahu Akbar — yet if he heard the cry of a baby, he would shorten his salah. Cut it short. Pray it longer at home.

Silat al-Rahim: Keeping the Blood Ties Fresh

One of the most tricky things in human relationships is how we deal with relatives. I'm not talking about parents and brothers and sisters. I'm talking about outside of this — uncles, aunts, cousins. And these relationships, these relatives — the way the Prophet ﷺ describes how we must deal with them — he calls it silat al-rahim: connecting the blood that you are from, keeping that fresh and connected.

The Prophet ﷺ had some relatives who were not very good to him. In a hadith, the Prophet ﷺ says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5990; Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 380)

"This family from my relatives — they really hate me. They dislike me. They cut me off. They hate me, this family, this group, these cousins of mine. The only thing is, they have rahim — they have blood relations with me. So I will do my duty in those blood relations with them."

One of the most interesting things I found when studying this hadith: when the Prophet ﷺ made this statement, he actually mentioned the name of the family. But you know what happened? In the vast majority of hadith narrators, when they wrote this down — when the Prophet ﷺ mentioned the name of the tribe, the name of the clan who hated him or who was not good with him — they erased the name of the tribe.

Ghunadar, one of the most famous narrators of hadith, says: in any manuscript of hadith, when you see this hadith, you see there's a blank white space where the name of the tribe is. "We removed it so that people later on don't start hating on the descendants of this family." Look at the precision with which hadith was narrated.

However, in the Mustakhraj of Abu Nu'aym, another variation of this narration — another chain of narration — it comes out that he mentions it is the family of Abi Talib, the family of his uncle, his first cousins, the extended family from Abu Talib. Members of that family, they disliked the Prophet ﷺ. They didn't want to see his face.

How do you deal with such people? The Prophet ﷺ says: sa'abulluha bibalaliha — "I will keep the relationship moist and wet." He uses this word: keep your relationships moist.

You know, if you don't drink water for an entire day, what happens to your tongue? It goes dry. And you can feel the dryness in your mouth. So what do you do every few hours? You keep topping it up with water. You keep refreshing. What do they say? Hydrate yourself — so you don't get dehydrated. Relationships need to be hydrated as well.

But some relationships — some people are there, maybe friends from school — you only see them once every five years, six years. Maybe once every decade you send them a message, you remember them. But when you do, it's like the relationship continued from where it left off. These kinds of relationships are low maintenance. You don't have to put the grease every day.

There are some relationships that are high maintenance. The grease you have to put every day. Which relationships are those? Your sister, your brother, your parents. They need very regular maintenance because you have to keep it fresh.

Honouring the Memory of Khadija

This is how the Prophet ﷺ described his relationship with Khadija رضي الله عنها, his beloved wife — his most beloved. When Khadija رضي الله عنها passed away, one day her sister comes knocking at the door: Hala bint Khuwaylid. Now, is Hala his wife? No. She's his wife's sister. When she knocks on the door and says, "As-salamu alaykum, can I enter?" — her voice reminds him of the voice of Khadija, and he begins to feel affected by this. He says, "Ah, Hala bint Khuwaylid has come, and she reminds me of her sister."

And so the Prophet ﷺ would honour Hala. If somebody would come and give him some gifts, he would say, "Send these gifts straight to Hala."

The Friend of Khadija

One day a woman came to the Prophet's ﷺ house. She knocked, she entered. The Prophet ﷺ asked how she was — he made small talk with her. "How are you? How is your family?" He's talking to a lady who is not related to him, not his mahram. He's saying to her, "How are you? How are you after we went?" The woman leaves and Aisha رضي الله عنها becomes jealous. "Who is this lady? Why are you talking to her?" The Prophet ﷺ says to Aisha: "This woman was a friend of Khadija, and she used to come and visit when Khadija was alive."

And then he says an important statement: part of iman is to keep refreshing these friendships. Don't let them end like that.

This is how the Prophet ﷺ kept people happy. He kept people honoured. And he would always renew the relationship with them.