The Greatest Misconception We Have About Modesty

The Greatest Misconception We Have About Modesty

This is the complete opposite of modesty. That social media lifestyle. People need to see snaps of what car I'm driving, what food I'm eating, the shape and diameter of my biceps — the fact that people need to see, I need to show it to everyone.

This exactly is the opposite of modesty. Modesty is to cover, to hide, not to expose. Your sins, your blessings, everything. Keep it to yourself. Everybody doesn't need to see it.

What is Hayaa?

Many people, when they think of modesty — hayaa — they just think of clothing. But in the Quran, Allah describes hayaa and attaches this quality of modesty to somebody's actions, to speech, and to clothing. All of the above.

For example, the woman who eventually marries Musa. Allah says in the Quran — one of the two sisters comes to him, walking modestly. What is a modest walk? It's a shy walk. It's a walk where you're not trying to flaunt everything. You're trying to contain yourself.

The Modesty of the Prophet

Allah describes the modesty and the shyness of the Prophet — that he would feel shy when his companions would come to his house for a meal. Let's say I invite you all to my house for a meal, you come over, we eat food, you're happy, I give you dessert, you're happy, I give you tea, you're happy — then you're still there chatting and chatting. And I say, SubhanAllah, it's so late! Look at the time! Nobody gets the hint.

SubhanAllah, look at the time. You continue talking, chitchat. This is what happened in the house of the Prophet. On the day he got married, he hosted the Walima at home. 300 people came to eat, and they were eating from the dish, and the dish wasn't finishing. But they stayed far beyond their welcome.

And what does Allah say in the Quran?

That hurts the Prophet. It upsets him. But he's too shy to tell you, get out of the house. He's shy. He doesn't like to give people something that will hurt them or upset them. He doesn't like confrontation. He doesn't like to go in people's faces. He doesn't like to be excessive. So he's very moderate, very shy. He doesn't want to show that side of him, so he contains himself.

So Allah instructs the believers: when you go to the Prophet's house, once you eat, leave.

Go — once it's done, leave. Don't stay and start chitchatting until late. Because the Prophet doesn't like to waste his time at night. He likes to sleep early so he can pray at night. But he doesn't have the heart to say it to you.

Shyer Than a Virgin Girl

When the Prophet's modesty is described by Abu Sa'id al-Khudri رضي الله عنه, he says:

He was more shy, more modest than a virgin girl in the way she carried herself. You know, a woman who is married, a woman who has children — the way she carries herself in contrast to a woman who has never been married. Generally speaking, there's a sense of shyness, a sense of containment, a sense of modesty that they carry themselves with. And they say the Prophet was more shy than a virgin girl in the way she carried herself.

What does it actually mean?

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6119; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2320)

If he disliked something, we would see it on his face — but he wouldn't always express it out loud. He could not keep himself from showing that sense of dislike, but he would be too shy sometimes to say it aloud. He would not share something if he thought it would upset someone. He would never jump into confrontation. He would keep it to himself.

This is part of modesty. It's being moderate in how we express ourselves, what we say, and to whom we say it. Not being too quick to jump and express something, not jumping into battle with somebody else.

Addressing Faults Without Embarrassing People

For instance, one day somebody came to the Prophet. He had dyed his hair or he had put some yellow thing on his skin — there was a yellowness to his skin. He came, he talked to the Prophet and he left. And the Prophet didn't want to confront him in that moment and say, "What is this yellow stuff on your face?" So when he left, he told one of his friends: tell him to wash this off. He didn't want to tell him directly, because sometimes to tell him directly is embarrassing for him. He didn't want to embarrass him. So he said it to somebody else in a way that wouldn't embarrass him.

This is part of modesty — not wanting to embarrass others, make things awkward for others, put them on the spot, put them under the spotlight. But wanting to do things in a roundabout way where they don't feel offended, they don't feel embarrassed.

When the Prophet would see something wrong happening, he would be careful about how he addressed it. Let's say somebody we know — maybe in a family or a friend — does something wrong. They miss their salah, they're rude to someone, they use a swear word. Now there are two ways to deal with it. Option one: I come to this person and say, "Man, what's wrong with you? Why do you swear like this?" Is that going to invite him to stop swearing and to speak in a better language? Or is it going to make him feel more dislike for me? It's going to be too aggressive. I'm going to come head-on to this person, and he's going to run away from me.

So what did the Prophet used to do? He used to speak in generalities. When he would see something he didn't like, he would address the general audience and say:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6786; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1064)

"Why is it that some people do such and such?" Those people know it's them — but they don't feel embarrassed that he has come and confronted them in front of everyone. They don't feel put on the spot.

Sometimes under the guise of nasiha — sincere advice — we go and we give people some interesting minefields, we bomb them with things that hurt them, upset them, embarrass them, and we say, "Brother, this is just nasiha."

You know, I gave a khutbah in a city not far from here. It was my first time coming to the north of the UK for a khutbah, and I'd heard many things about the northerners. I gave the khutbah, came down from the minbar, finished the salah, turned around, and one man stood up: "Sheikh, you know that the beard is obligatory, and you are not growing your beard." And you know what you see now — I'm talking about seven years ago, so you can imagine how light it was back then. I went red like a tomato. Half the audience were laughing, the other half were thinking, "Yeah, he's got a fair point — who is this beardless guy giving the khutbah?" And then I had to take the mic and say, "Brother, Allah blesses some people with facial hair, He doesn't bless everyone with it. I've never touched my face with a razor, but habibi, this is all Allah gave me. If you can donate, I'll accept the donations."

He said, "This is a sincere nasiha." Habibi, keep it in your pocket. This style is not sincere advice. This is trying to show yourself up, trying to show everybody, "I'm the one, I'm the boss, I can tell the khatib off." Okay, you're happy — pat yourself on the back, go home, have a cup of tea. That's all some people want. You know, the last day of Ramadan when the imam is reading Juz' Amma — imagine the imam makes a mistake and the 15th row is correcting him. We know, habibi, you're a big one — but leave the man in front.

So this is the hayaa of the Prophet — his modesty, his shyness. Not rushing into confrontations, keeping things calm, not embarrassing people, not putting them on the spot, not making them feel socially awkward. You go to somebody's house, they say, "Would you like some perfume?" You don't have to say, "Why, do I smell?" Because sometimes maybe you do smell, and they're doing you a favour by not embarrassing you. Sometimes someone offers you a chewing gum — just take the chewing gum. When somebody is giving you a hint in a subtle, gentle, roundabout way, accept it. This was the manner of the Prophet. He would never confront people with their flaws. He would go sideways, in a roundabout way, through somebody they would take it from, in a way that they would actually appreciate and improve.

As they say:

A smart person will get the hint. You don't have to spell it out to them.

So one time, the Prophet said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 855; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 564)

Whoever eats garlic — just don't come to the masjid. There was a specific person he was referring to, who on that day happened to come to the masjid and decided to make the whole row faint. But he said, please — if you're going to do that, do miswak before you come, you don't need to harm everybody.

You know the famous hadith — everyone knows this hadith:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1907)

He was referring to a very specific person — a companion who wanted to migrate from Mecca to Medina because he wanted to marry someone. So all these companions of the Prophet are leaving their wealth and their families, getting beatings for migrating, and this person has a lady in his mind and just wants to go marry her. So the Prophet had two options. He could go to this person and say, "Listen, habibi, if you migrate just for a lady, you're not going to get any reward from Allah." Or — give a general reminder: "Actions are judged by their intentions. So if you're going for Allah, you'll get Allah's reward. If you're going for a lady, you'll just get the lady." And the person will understand, without having to be struck by an arrow of so-called sincere advice.

We really have to review and think again about how we give people advice. Imam al-Shafi'i, in a famous poem, says: if you want to give me sincere advice, tell me privately. My flaws, my mistakes — tell me privately. Because the moment you publicize them and attack me, how am I going to feel about that? I'm naturally going to be defensive. That's why if you go on YouTube and see all these "sincere advice" videos — people at Speakers' Corner giving each other sincere advice, criticizing each other. "Brother, I gave you sincere advice!" This is not sincere advice. No one is going to take this kind of advice. But there is an art to winning the hearts of people. And the master of this science was Rasulullah. He would give people advice in a way that would make them love him, get the message, take the hint, and change things for next time.

The Deeper Meaning of Hayaa — Shame Before Allah

But hayaa is not just limited to how we deal socially. Hayaa, ultimately, is about feeling. You know that strange feeling when you realize there's a camera? Let's say someone steps into a lift. Some people like to practice their singing or their Quran recitation in the lift — loudly! Nobody's there, right? A nice echo as well. And in a terrible voice, they're screaming and singing. And then they suddenly realize there's a CCTV on them and they look like a fool. How do they feel in that moment? This is called hayaa. You feel ashamed — a natural sense of shame.

It's like, for example, you're speaking to your friend on the phone, you're joking, you're laughing, maybe you're telling them stories — and suddenly he says, "Look, habibi, I forgot to tell you, you're on speaker, my whole family's listening." How do you feel? This is called hayaa. You suddenly feel a bit of embarrassment. But it's positive. Without this sense of shame, society self-destructs.

There are two senses of shame we must have. The first is feeling a sense of shame because Allah is watching us — forget people. First, we need a sense of shame that Allah is watching us. The Prophet says:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2458)

Feel ashamed from Allah — the same way you feel ashamed from the most righteous person in your community. The way we dress, the way we speak, the way we act. If someone very righteous, the imam of a masjid, was there watching us, we would really feel ashamed to do those things, to speak in that way, to act in that way. So we're worried about the righteous person looking at us, but we're not worried about the fact that Allah is watching us.

This hayaa from Allah is what pushes the Prophet to pray salah at night until his feet are swollen. His feet are swollen because he's praying for long hours. And Aisha رضي الله عنها asks him, "Why would you pray for so long when Allah has forgiven all your sins — past and future? Why? He doesn't have to, he's not obliged to. His sins are forgiven, he's guaranteed the highest part of paradise." But he says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 4837; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2820)

"How can I not be grateful to Allah? I feel a sense of shame. If I don't stand up at night, I feel ashamed of myself. How can I do that in front of Allah?" This is where it starts. If you don't have a sense of shame that Allah is watching you, nothing can help you. You will be shameless in the way you speak, the way you act. It's why the Prophet says, one of the things that previous Prophets taught is: if you have no shame, you will do anything.

You'll do whatever you want. Nobody can stop you. This sense of shame is like a barrier that prevents you from going out of bounds.

Shame Before Allah: A Powerful Story

One is shame from Allah, the other is shame from people — this whole thing where we feel conscious of people watching us. One time, a man approached Sufyan al-Thawri رحمه الله. He says, "I committed fornication — I had intercourse with a woman I wasn't supposed to have a relationship with. Would Allah forgive my sin?" He said, "Of course, Allah forgives all sins." So the man smiled and walked away: alhamdulillah, Allah will forgive my sin.

Then he stopped in his tracks and froze. He turned around and came back to Sufyan al-Thawri. He said, "Hold on — was Allah watching me when I was doing that?" He said, "Yes, He was watching you." And the man fell unconscious in that moment — because of the realization: Allah was watching me. Allah was watching me and I did that shameless act. What is His perception towards me?

So the Prophet's understanding of hayaa is this: you have to have a sense of shame towards Allah and a sense of shame towards other human beings. What they call stigma — social embarrassment. There is a positive nature to this: it prevents you from doing wrong things in public. The moment you're happy to do something in public, expose your sins, swear and cuss in public, expose yourself in the way you dress — that means you've lost your sense of shame. And now you can do anything, because nothing is going to stop you. You're not ashamed of Allah, you're not ashamed of people. That's it, that's the last barrier.

So this is why, when the Prophet is described, they said: he was not shameless in his speech, nor shameless in his actions. You wouldn't find him screaming in the market trying to get a better deal. And he wouldn't take revenge on people if they did wrong to him. This is the modesty of the Prophet.

Modesty is Not Only for Women

When we talk about hayaa and modesty, usually people think of one of the two genders. When you think of modesty, usually who do people think of? Women. Our sisters must be more modest. Okay. But then a young man goes on Instagram, takes a selfie — he's covering his awrah from his navel to his knees — takes a picture of himself with his six-pack and all his muscles flexing. His modesty? He's modest? Wearing the tightest t-shirt such that you can see the shape of everything in his body, and he's taking a picture with the shahada finger. "I'm here to invite people to Allah, I'm doing da'wah." But why does anyone have to see the shape of your biceps? Can you explain that first? Where has male modesty gone? Modesty is only for women?

There's a reason that if you look at any Muslim culture in the world — from Nigeria to Malaysia, to the Arab world, to Eritrea, to Ethiopia, to Sudan — there is one thing they all have in common in their clothing: Muslims, wherever they went, they changed the local culture. People started wearing loose clothes — men included. This is how Islam impacts modesty. Dress loosely.

Now I go to any shop, I want to buy a pair of jeans — I don't want slim fit. Nothing except slim fit. Regular fit? There's no regular fit. What happened? My blood has to travel from my trousers to the rest of my body — I don't want it to be squeezed at the bottom. But that's how people dress these days. It's got to be slim. It's got to be exposed. You've got to flaunt, you've got to show it. People need to see what you have. This is the complete opposite of modesty.

That social media lifestyle — people need to see snaps of what car I'm driving, what food I'm eating, the shape and diameter of my biceps. This exactly is the opposite of modesty. Modesty is to cover, to hide, not to expose. Your sins, your blessings, everything. Keep it to yourself. Everybody doesn't need to see it.

It impacts men as much as it impacts women, because we live in a society where everyone's showing everything. So you think: if I haven't shown it off, I don't have it. You know, in the martial arts — if you learn Karate or Judo — one of the first things you learn is that you should never use this martial art unless it is absolutely necessary to defend your life. So someone goes and learns the martial arts — and everybody has to know. "I'm doing Judo! I'm walking in the shopping centre!" We understand. Why does everybody have to know about it? Keep it to yourself. Why? Because there's no satisfaction until people know. I did it for people. That's really what it has come down to. We dress for people only.

For a lot of people — mashaAllah — here's what happens with students of knowledge, tullab al-'ilm: they go to Darul Arqam or Birmingham, they buy a book — probably they are still learning the basics of Arabic grammar — but they'll get a six-volume encyclopedia. Siyar A'lam al-Nubala', six volumes. They open the book to page 36, get a green tea, and they take a picture. They put it up on social media. Why? "I want everybody to know I read books. I read tafsir books, I drink tea while reflecting, I'm a philosopher." Okay, you can read — but do people have to know you read? And you know what? 99% of the time, the moment you take that picture, you will never finish the book. Because you've already got your satisfaction. Everybody saw it — that's all you wanted. You'll never read the book now.

I have seen with my own two eyes — I've seen someone come to the masjid in another city, give his phone to his friend, and say, "Find the right angle, the right sunlight, take a picture." He's making du'a. His friend is going to one corner, running to the other corner of the masjid, switching the blinds at the windows to make sure the lighting is right and the angle is right. Click, click, click, click. Wallahi, he left the masjid without making any du'a. But the contours of his hands had to be in the right angle for social media. This is the age we live in. Where has modesty gone? Is nothing secret anymore?

Yes, I know you have a lovely relationship with your wife — but does everyone have to know about it too? We all have to know you hold hands on the beach and you take pictures? Everybody has to know everything.

The Prophet was more secretive than the virgin girl — in the way she walked, in the way she carried herself, in the way she was.

This was how we knew the Prophet. So when he joked with his companions, when he laughed, when he corrected their mistakes, when he did things — he didn't want people to know.

Avoiding Suspicious Places

One time the Prophet is walking with his wife Hafsa رضي الله عنها. Two men are walking in the night and they happen to see him with her. They see them and start walking faster. Now one of two things could be running through their minds: they're seeing the Prophet with a woman who's covered, and they're either going to wonder who this woman is, or go and spread some stories. The Prophet — aware that people are watching — says, "Stop, guys! Why are you in a rush? It's my wife — I'm just with my wife. Nothing is happening here, don't worry, I'm just with my wife." They said, "SubhanAllah, Prophet of Allah, you didn't have to tell us that, we trust you!" Then he says: "Shaytan flows in your veins, my friends. I trust you — I don't trust the Shaytan. The moment you start walking, he'll start whispering to you, 'Who's that lady with the Prophet?'"

This was his shyness, his sense of shame. Even though she was his wife, he would clarify: "It's my wife. Don't worry, don't go and spread anything — this is my wife." Part of that shame is that he would avoid suspicious places — being in places where people might say, "Huh, what's he doing there?"

So somebody from your work invites you to the pub. "Come, just drink lemonade. Just come, just socialise. You'll never get promoted if you don't come to the pub after work — that's where all the real conversations happen, all the promotions are decided." Okay, let me go, I'll just have apple juice. You're sitting there having the apple juice. What happens if your mum walks by and sees you sitting there with what looks like apple juice — but nobody knows what's really in the glass? How would you feel when you get home? You wouldn't do it if your mum was watching you — but Allah was watching you. You're in a place of suspicion, a place where, as they say, hanky-panky occurs. Why would you be there?

Someone says, "Come to the shisha bar. I sit in the shisha bar but I don't smoke shisha." Yes — and all the smoke, what is it doing? You're sitting there with all this smoke going into your system from every direction. And what comes with smoking is a lot of fahsha in the way you speak and the things you discuss. And you're sat there thinking, "I'm not smoking." But why are you there?

The Prophet would say:

(Al-Bayhaqi, Shu'ab al-Iman)

Avoid being in suspicious environments. Part of modesty is being ashamed: "What if someone I respect — my sheikh, my teacher, my mum — saw me here? What would she think?" She wouldn't be too happy, would she? But Allah is watching you. Here is a good yardstick: if someone you respect — your teacher, your mother, your parent, your older sibling — would see you in this location and would seriously question you, then you should avoid that location.

Avoid suspicious locations, suspicious activity, being in a place where people might say, "What's he doing there? What's she doing there?" And also, part of the reason is that human beings are products — byproducts of their environment. When you're in a particular environment, without realising, you can fall into the sins. Don't test yourself. This is part of the hayaa and the modesty of the Prophet.