The Science of Akhlāq: How Do I Change My Negative Character ?

The True Meaning of Akhlāq

Many of us interpret the word akhlāq to mean how we treat people. But that's not true. That's a false meaning of akhlāq.

This idea of translating akhlāq as manners — how you treat people, how you smile at people, and just your external dealings — this is a false, broken, inaccurate translation. Akhlāq has two categories: your akhlāq with people and your akhlāq with Allah. Your inward appearance with people.

What qualities do other people see in you? Do they see you to be patient? Do they see you to be sincere? Do they see you to be trustworthy? Do they see you to be kind? Everything that's not to do with your physical appearance — the appearance of your soul to people — and then the appearance of your soul to Allah. How does Allah perceive you to be? Are you sincere with your friend but then you are not genuine with Allah? Are you trustworthy with your friend but not trustworthy with your ṣalawāt? So there are two, you can say two lenses or two CCTV cameras that are going to be put on your akhlāq. One is with people and one is with Allah.

Imām al-Shāfi'ī famously said:

"When I am interacting with my Lord, I am the most eloquent man — so much so that when I talk to other people, it's like I don't even know any Arabic."

The way I deal with Allah is at a much higher level of akhlāq than the way I deal with other people. For most of us, it's the opposite. Before we go to meet somebody, the level of beautification, the level of oud and itr, the checking and making sure there are no blemishes — nothing. Everything is perfect, spick and span, smooth. The oiling of the hair and all of this cosmetic treatment just to see somebody. If somebody exits the house without doing all the cosmetic stuff, لا إله إلا الله — what a tragedy, what a disaster, right? But then how do we present ourselves to Allah? We have no care of how that's looking.

When you think about akhlāq, it's very important to think not just about your akhlāq towards people, but your akhlāq towards Allah.

Step One: Self-Evaluation

The first practical step is a self-evaluation. Write it down if you're writing it down: evaluate yourself before Allah evaluates you. You don't want Allah to hold you to account and be surprised.

There are some people who will be surprised about what they find out from Allah on the Day of Judgment. You don't want to be surprised. It's better you know it beforehand.

The most scary hadīth — the hadīth of the bankrupt person. The Prophet ﷺ says to the companions:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 32, Hadith 6251)

"Do you know who is a bankrupt person?" They said: "The person with no gold and silver." He said: it is a person who did many good deeds in this earth, but then on the Day of Judgment their good deeds become nothing — because they cursed that person and backbited this person, treated that person horribly, were impatient with this, lost their temper — so Allah reduced their deeds until there was nothing. You don't want and I don't want to be in that situation.

So what does that require? Number one, it requires a sit-down. Have an honest conversation with yourself about who you are and what are your good and bad qualities. If you sit down and evaluate yourself: "I have an anger problem" — go and find out all the hadīth and āyāt related to anger and its harms, its punishment, and its consequences. If you evaluate yourself and say: "I'm a very lazy person" — go and read all the hadīth related to laziness and its consequences. You need to know what will be held against you on the Day of Judgment if you continue this way. This is an impetus for change.

Understanding Your Innate Disposition

There are some qualities that you have a fiṭrah for — it is in your innate disposition to be more inclined toward them. Then you build on these qualities based on environment, based on your teachers, based on your parents, based on your mentors, based on your experience in life. You either become more of this or you become less of this based on your environment. But there is a base, a default level of qualities that a person is born with in the world.

How to Change Your Character: The Analogy of the Flood

Now, many people try to change themselves. "I'm lacking patience. I want to become patient." "I'm very good with people — always smiley and charismatic, extroverted. I want to change this. I want to become more introverted."

Ibn al-Qayyim gives a beautiful analogy. He said: imagine that all of you are stuck in a house and you know that a wave is going to come and destroy the house. There's going to be a flood. You're in a monsoon season in Bangladesh and you're stuck in a building. You have three options.

The first option is to lock yourself in the house and try to protect yourself. What will happen is you will drown, and everybody inside the building will drown.

The second option is that a group of people will try and see if they can manipulate the water in some way. Can they change the direction of the water? What can they do with this torrent, this current, this stream of water?

The third group of people will see that the river is moving like this — can we direct the water in another direction or toward another land so that it can have a beneficial effect? And he said these are the smartest people.

Meaning: changing your fundamental qualities is very difficult. If you're extroverted, if you're introverted, if you're great with people, if you're not so good with people, if you're patient — this is very difficult to fundamentally change. One of the best things a person can do is, number one, understand themselves. What are your unique strengths that Allah gave you? And number two, rather than sweating so much on changing who you are, try to focus and see: how can I worship Allah through these qualities? Rather than forcing yourself to change your fundamental personality, look for a way to worship Allah where you use your strengths.

Two Polar Opposite Personalities: Abū Bakr and 'Umar

Look at Khālid ibn al-Walīd — and if we look at two polar opposite personalities, Abū Bakr and 'Umar: in most of the major decisions in the life of the Prophet ﷺ, Abū Bakr and 'Umar went in two completely different directions.

After the Battle of Badr, regarding the prisoners of war — what does Abū Bakr say? Free them. What does 'Umar say? The opposite. In the peace treaty of Ḥudaybiyyah, what does Abū Bakr say? Compromise. The Meccans are asking for big demands — it's okay, give it to them, there's a bigger play. What does 'Umar ibn al-Khaṭṭāb say? He's furious. "How could you compromise on these things? This is a complete failure." Two completely different personality types. They're both righteous men. But they're both suited to two different types of leadership — two different temperaments, two different personalities, two different qualities.

How 'Umar Changed

Famously, one of these two men went through a big personality change in his life. It was 'Umar. When he became the khalīfah, what happened to his personality? He became soft. He became gentle. He used to be a lot more hot-headed, a lot more ready to "finish this person, get rid of this person, throw them out." He had that iqdām — by nature, he was somebody who was driven, ambitious, desirous. This was his life before Islām as well — it dictated his life. He was a dominating personality. When he became the khalīfah, he changed.

Here's the question: how did he change? And therefore, how should we change? What are the factors that molded, shaped, and changed his personality?

What changed his personality? The responsibility of the khalīfah — the heavy burden of the leadership of the believers — it softened 'Umar, because he became fearful of Allah. "If I was too harsh, what would happen to me?" Before he was in a leadership position, he was harsh. When he came into the leadership position, he made the famous statement: "If a ram — a sheep — in a mountain valley in Khorasan complains against me, I am scared Allah will hold me to account."

What Changes a Person's Character

1. Responsibility

Responsibility changes people. Sometimes it is very important to put yourself, to volunteer for life experiences that will mold you and shape you. Volunteering for responsibility, taking responsibility, is very crucial in shaping your character.

What's the problem with many young men and women today? They're scared of commitment. This is one of the greatest and worst traits of our generation — we cannot stick with anything for more than four weeks, four minutes. We cannot be consistently contributing to anything.

The whole dīn was built on the back of volunteers. Badr — 313 men, all volunteers. Commitment. Now it's like, "Am I going to be paid? Am I not going to be paid? What's in it for me?" What's in it for you is jannat al-na'īm.

You have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations and voluntarily take responsibility on. You will never change until you put yourself outside your comfort zone. You have to take responsibility for something — that will change you. It will not happen sat on the couch. If every day of the week is the same as the previous day, you will never change. If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.

2. Who You Marry

Last but not least, who you marry will be a huge shaping force for you. The nature and the personality and the vision and the mission of who you marry will be a huge ship — because this person, you are doing the companionship of them for so many hours of a day.

3. Your Children

Your children will shape you in ways you cannot imagine. Your children will expose to you who you really are. One of the most scary things about being a parent is when you see your children do the bad things that you do. When you see your children expressing their temper, or when you see your child doing something wrong or speaking to someone in a wrong way — and you know you are the one who does this, and that's why they're copying. When you see the mirror in front of you, it's scary.

This is why one of the great things that will accelerate your personal development, the development of your character, is becoming a parent and taking on responsibility. Nowadays, somebody gets married — and it's become the most taboo topic in the world. They say, "Oh, don't be an auntie — the aunties always ask when are you going to have children." After three years, you ask someone, "Children?" and they say, "Oh, I'm just getting acquainted with each other."

This jaban, this cowardliness that we have — the fear of commitment, the fear of responsibility, the inability to take a decision, to take a risk, always playing it safe. No match was ever won playing it safe.

It was normal to have many children and it was normal to have children early. But we're now in a generation where everybody is scared to take risks, scared of commitment, terrified. Having children will accelerate your personal development — but you have to be ready to take the challenge. You need the readiness of mind, the readiness of character: "I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready to take it on and I will stick with it. I will work on myself."

Many marriages break and many families break because people don't see family as a way of improving their character. A wife and children, or a husband and children, and your siblings and your relatives — it's just a bunch of mirrors that show you who you really are. And through the passage of months and years, you will learn who you really are, where your flaws are — because they'll be screaming it at you — and what you need to change.