How to Give النصيحة | Jumuah Khutbah | Imam Nadim Bashir | EPIC Masjid

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His name is Noor Ahmed Khan. So we ask Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ that all those who passed away, may Allah grant them a place in Jannah. May Allah have mercy upon them.

And we ask Allah that all those who are sick, may Allah give all of them shifa.

Brother Muhammad Siddiq is a member of our community. He comes here every day, masha'Allah. I found out yesterday that his mother passed away also. إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ. He initially was planning to hold the azza for his deceased mother here at the masjid. But he has decided to have it at his residence in Murphy, insha'Allah, so you can connect with him.

Lastly, before I do start my khutbah, I want to remind everyone again that this is the time for Jumu'ah, and while the Jumu'ah khutbah is taking place, you're not supposed to be on your phones. So if anyone is on your phone, please get off your phones and pay attention to the khutbah. It does not matter, I'm not trying to tell you to listen to me. Respect the time for Jumu'ah, respect the khatib, respect the essence of salatul Jumu'ah overall. Jazakum Allah khayr.

السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

How to Give النصيحة (Advice) - Five Key Principles

اللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ، اللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ، اللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ، اللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ، أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ

What do we do as Muslims? What do we learn from Rasulullah ﷺ when we want to give advice to someone? When we want to correct a mistake? What do we do in those kind of situations? How would Rasulullah ﷺ correct people's mistakes? Because clearly you're gonna find yourself in a situation where you feel the need. So there are five things today that I want to share with you that we need to be careful of, to be mindful of when it comes to correcting others or when it comes to giving advice.

Principle #1: Have the Right Frame of Mind

The very first thing that we need to be mindful of or I would say the very first principle in mind when it comes to correcting others or giving other people's advice is that we need to have the right frame of mind that if I feel the need, that if I'm gonna correct someone, then I also have to be willing to accept my mistakes when someone's gonna correct me. This is actually perhaps one of the greatest problems that today we have in our Muslim community. Everyone feels that they have the authority to correct everyone else. But God forbid, if someone comes to me and tells me that I'm doing something that is wrong, we lose our temper, we lose our cool, and at that time there are things and there are words that come out of our mouth that are not even suitable for me to say on this minbar.

Remember that Umar ibn Khattab (رضي الله عنه), no matter what kind of a personality he had, we all know who Umar (رضي الله عنه) was. When he became khalifa, he had his very first public address. And in that public address, he mentioned it to everyone that I will do things according to the Qur'an and the sunnah of Rasulullah ﷺ. At that time, a man stood up in the crowd and he raised his sword and he says, if we see any crookedness in you, meaning that if we see any flaws in you, we will straighten out with our swords. Now, put yourself in the shoes of Umar ibn Khattab (رضي الله عنه). This is your very first public address. You're trying to be as humble as you can. But there's another person who's also saying to you that if we see any flaws in you, we are going to, lo and behold, we're gonna correct you also. What was the response of Umar ibn Khattab (رضي الله عنه)? Because Umar is a person who is amir al-mu'minin. He will correct other people when they are out of line. But he also understands that if I'm out of line, and people are gonna correct me, then I should be willing to also accept that advice. Umar (رضي الله عنه), his response was, alhamdulillah, who has placed in this ummah, people who will strengthen each other. And this is what he said, that alhamdulillah, there are people that if I'm out of line, they're gonna come and they will give me advice.

The very first thing is, that if I'm gonna be giving advice to others, I have to be willing to accept other people's advice. If I'm willing to correct other people, if I'm doing something that is wrong, and we all, including myself, we all have fallacies, we have weaknesses, I have to be willing to accept this. The problem is, we like to give advice, but we cannot accept advice. We spot the flaws in other people, but we're very blind to our own flaws. And we like to preach humility, but there's no one who's more arrogant than us. That is why Imam Ghazali (رحمة الله عليه), in his very famous book, Ayyuhal Walad. Ayyuhal Walad was not a book that he wrote. This was actually a student of his, who wrote a letter to Imam Ghazali, telling him, that sheikh, you have given many advices, can you summarize all your advices? One of the very first advices, that Imam Ghazali gives to his student is, that giving nasiha is easy, but accepting nasiha is very, very difficult. And he says, because once again, this is a person who's going to preach to others. This is a person who's going to teach others. So Imam Ghazali is trying to straighten out his frame of mind, to begin with, that you're going to be in the business of giving da'wah, but you are a human being at the end of the day, and you have weaknesses. And if someone comes to you, and they try to tell you, that you're doing something that is wrong, you have to be willing to accept it.

So this is the very first thing is, that we have to correct this frame of mind.

Principle #2: Maintain Privacy

Principle number two, is that we have to always remember, that if I want to correct someone, two things. Privacy is the most important thing here, in this principle number two. Either you do it behind closed doors, you take them aside, and you do it privately, or if you want to address an issue, you keep that person's name private. Let me explain. Once Rasulullah ﷺ was sitting inside the masjid. He saw a person praying salat in a very hasty manner. The Prophet ﷺ did not call him out in front of everyone. In fact, the Prophet ﷺ called him to himself, and he tells him:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 793)

Go back and pray again, because you did not pray. Meaning that the Prophet ﷺ is just trying to remind him, and he's telling him, the way you prayed brother, or bro, the way you prayed right now, that's not the way you pray. Go ahead and pray again. Now, the Prophet ﷺ, again, he's demonstrating, that when you want to correct people's mistakes, you don't do it publicly. Why? Because in that situation, you may have felt that you're doing something that is good, but what you're doing is that you're humiliating that brother or that sister. And no person, it does not matter who you are, no person likes to be humiliated, and likes to be corrected from someone else.

This is why, this is something that I personally believe in. How many times you go to the graveyard, and there are people who are doing some certain bid'ah at the graveyard. And everyone feels the need that, you know what, we need to correct them now. For example, there is no place in our deen that says that you put a jug of zamzam water over the deceased person. The zamzam does not benefit the person at all. It does not matter whatever aqeedah, whatever you believe in, zamzam water is not gonna benefit the deceased person. The only thing that's gonna benefit the deceased person is their actions. But at that time, even if someone is doing something like this, is that the right time to correct someone? Is that the right time to tell that person that don't do something like this? Because you know what it is? They're emotional. They're not gonna sit there and listen to you. And number two is, you're trying to correct them in public, and no one likes to be corrected in public. So that is why Rasulullah ﷺ called him, to him and he then told him, that go pray again.

Another example that we find the Prophet ﷺ, was that, and this did not happen only once, this happened multiple times, where he would see an issue right in front of his eyes. And the Prophet ﷺ, he would get up on the mimbar, on the pulpit, and then he would address the entire qawm. He would address the entire jama'ah. And he would not take the name of that person. But he understands in his wisdom, and he understands within his own understanding, that if I don't correct this, or if I correct this very privately, there's a possibility that this can become a bigger issue. This person is committing this crime or this sin today. It's very possible that other people could be doing the same thing. And that is why, even when the Prophet ﷺ got up on the mimbar, he would never take people's names. If there was a Sahabi who did something that is wrong, he would never take their names and humiliate them. Even if he's addressing something in public, he would keep their name very, very private. So this is why we find this very consistent in the Prophet ﷺ. He would never expose people. He would never humiliate people. He kept always his advices, mostly in private. And he always, even if he stood up on the mimbar, he kept it anonymous.

Correcting someone, if you correct anyone, your correction, your naseeha and your advice should lift them, it should not shame them and put them down. How many times we say that, we give advice and we say so much and then you know what we say at the very end, "You don't take it badly, right?" Like, you pound this person over and over again, over and over again and at the very end you're like, you didn't take it bad, right? I'm a very sincere loving brother to you. I'm a very sincere loving sister. You pound all over this guy, as if if you had a hammer, you would beat him, beat him, beat him and then you made him feel like he is nothing or she is nothing and then at the end you say, please, I'm just a sincere brother and sister. That's not how you give advice. You understand? That's not how you give advice. And then on top of that, you keep on going back to that person and say, "You don't take it bad, right?" And that person, at the end of the day, you know what that person is gonna do? That they're gonna look at you and they're gonna run away. They're gonna be like, I don't want to be around that kind of person because they don't know how to give advice. So that is why you don't humiliate people and humiliation can be even in private. You take that person aside all the way in the corner and you tell them but then you just pound them so hard that they don't even realize, you don't even tell them what wrong they did and even if they did something that is wrong, you made them feel like as if they committed the greatest crime in human history. That is not how you give advice.

Principle #3: Understand the Context

Number three, always understand the context before you start giving advice. I remember, I'm gonna tell you a very true story that happened here at this masjid. I remember back in, this was many years ago and subhanAllah, I don't see this family, I don't see this family anymore at Epic, I don't see this kid anymore at Epic. May Allah protect him wherever he is. So there was a kid who used to come to this masjid. Every Friday night, he used to come with his mother and it just seemed like wherever he went, trouble would follow him. Everywhere he went. Everywhere he went, the sisters would be like, we don't want this kid around us, we don't want this kid around our children and it just sort of struck me as odd that what is up with this young man? You understand?

Understanding Before Judging

Like what is up with this young man? Like is there something going on with him? You understand? Because he would never really expose what's in his heart. Now, it's very easy for you and I to sit there and we say, you know what, this person has a problem and he is a very mischievous child and his mom has not given proper tarbiyah. It's very easy to say that. And many times we are very judgmental like this.

I decided that one day, I'm gonna take him to my office. So I brought him into my office and I did not even sit across him on my desk. I did not sit across him, I sat next to him. So my chair and his chair were sitting right next to each other. And then I put my arm around him because I want to give him some advice but I want to understand his situation. I want to understand the context.

And I put my arm around him and I told him, I took his name, I'm like, what's going on? And wallahi, this kid, he could not stop crying for the next 10 minutes. He could not stop crying for the next 10 minutes. And he says, you know what he tells me? He goes, no one understands my challenges.

And I told him, I said, explain to me, what are your challenges? And he says that, I don't have a father. My father has left us when I was born or soon after that. And my mom is working so hard just so that she can bring some food to the table for all of us. I come to the masjid every single time and I see so many other children with their fathers, with their mothers. Their mothers don't have to go to work. Their fathers are bringing, they're going outside, they're earning an income and they're bringing it home.

And he says that every single time I see this, he goes, it destroys me inside. He goes, I'm happy for them. I don't want their ni'mah to be taken away. But he goes, no one in the last three years, four years I've been coming to this masjid, no one has ever just sat down with me and tried to understand my story. How much struggle I have to go through. And he cried and he cried.

And that's when I realized there are so many people who come here to the masjid. Now I'm not saying that this is the case with every single child or every single teenager. There are some teenagers that have come here and they just cause a ruckus. And we've had to put some certain limitations and restrictions on them. But at the same time, before we give advice, sometimes we just need to take a step back and understand their story.

And you know how old this kid was? He was probably like 12 years old. 12 years old. And he was telling me that no one knows my dilemma. No one knows the challenges that I have to go through. He goes, sometimes it's time for school, it's a new school year, and I don't even have new supplies to go to school with. He goes, everyone has something, they're rocking with a new backpack, or this and that, these supplies and those supplies. And he goes, I'm going to school with a simple, probably just one pencil, one pen, and I don't have anything.

But he goes, no one, everyone thinks that I'm the problem. He goes, all I want is just some attention. And any child at that age, of course that is what they want. Every child wishes that they had a father, and a mother, and a happy family and so forth. And that is where we need to understand that sometimes we are so quick in giving advice to others, that sometimes we just need to take a simple step back, and sit down with that person, and understand their story.

The Example of the Prophet ﷺ with Hatib ibn Abi Balta'a

That is who Rasulullah ﷺ was. When Allah informed Rasulullah ﷺ that there is a sahabi amongst your sahaba, there is one sahabi in Medina, he has informed the Quraysh. Think about this. This would seem like treason. This would seem like betrayal. This sahabi informed, provided intelligence, and the plans of the Muslims to the Quraysh. Right off the bat, you're probably thinking, treason.

The Prophet ﷺ was informed about this. He called him. His name was Hatib ibn Abi Balta'a رضي الله عنه. And he tells him, he goes, Hatib, you know, what's up man? Like, why would you do something like this? And he says, Ya Rasulullah, I want you to understand the situation from my perspective. I have family there. All I want is that my family is protected.

And wallahi as soon as Rasulullah... Before this, the sahaba were like, Ya Rasulullah, he doesn't deserve to live. This is treason. And the Prophet ﷺ said, let me listen to his case. When he presented his case, Rasulullah ﷺ said, that he is a good man. Leave him alone. I understand his situation. The Prophet ﷺ did not get upset. Why? Because again, he did something that is wrong. But the Prophet ﷺ took a step back, tried to understand the situation, and this is what we need to do. Do we have the full story before we give people advice?

Correct with Hope, Not Harshness

Number four, whenever you correct someone, do it with hope, not with harshness. Rasulullah ﷺ, when a young man came to the Prophet ﷺ, and he says, Ya Rasulullah, permit me to commit zina. One of the greatest challenges for young brothers and young sisters is to control their desires. A young man is coming to the Prophet ﷺ, the Prophet ﷺ did not deal with him with harshness. The Prophet ﷺ gave him hope. He made dua for him.

How many times when we see people making mistakes, we love to give advice and correct them, but we don't ever make dua for them. How many times do we actually make dua for those who are actually involved in some sin? If you make dua, mashallah, may Allah bless you and reward you immensely. But many of us, we don't make dua for each other.

This young man said that, Ya Rasulullah, I want to do this. Rasulullah ﷺ first of all gave him perspective. Whoever you're gonna do this with, they are someone else's sister. They're someone else's daughter. Would you like someone to do that with your sister? Would you like someone to do that with your own daughter? He goes, No, Ya Rasulullah. He goes, Then? Think about this. Think about it from that perspective. And then the Prophet ﷺ made dua for him. Once again, the Prophet ﷺ by correcting him, he's providing him hope. He's not being harsh with this young man. So that is why also, when it comes to people, when it comes to correcting them, always try to do it by providing hope, by not being harsh in those kind of situations.

Despise the Crime, Not the Criminal

Finally, one of the most important things is that when it comes to correcting someone, or giving someone advice when they're doing something that is wrong, make sure that they understand that you're trying to correct the problem. You're not trying to attack them. You despise the crime, not the criminal. So many times we begin to say things that it sort of seems like that we are despising the criminal and not the crime.

And that is why Rasulullah ﷺ, even in the story of Usama ibn Zaid. What happened in that case? Usama ibn Zaid killed someone. And the Prophet ﷺ was not okay with that. He actually asked him, هل شققت قلبه؟ When Usama ibn Zaid said that, يا رسول الله, this man took his shahada because he was fearing death. The Prophet ﷺ says that, did you open up his heart and check his heart?

When Khalid ibn Walid was sent by Rasulullah ﷺ, this is after Fath of Makkah, that he said that, just go there and give them da'wah. Khalid ibn Walid actually went there and he took the life of someone. Rasulullah ﷺ was really really upset. The Prophet ﷺ made it known that I'm not despising you the person. I despise the crime that you committed.

When it came to the case of Usama ibn Zaid, though the Prophet ﷺ was very upset at him, but the Prophet ﷺ did not hold that against him. Because you committed a crime, now forever you're gonna pay for that crime. Later on, when Rasulullah ﷺ was about to pass away, he sent an expedition to Syria. Who did he put in the position of commander-in-chief? He put Usama ibn Zaid رضي الله عنه. And though there were many other more prestigious or more senior sahaba رضي الله عنهم, I would say, in that same jama'ah, but he put Usama ibn Zaid, showing him that I despise what you did. I don't despise you.

Whenever we are giving advice, whenever we are trying to correct someone else's problems, we have to make sure that we help them understand that I love you as a person. I admire you as a person. You are a good person. But this one thing that you did is not right. Make them feel that they are good people, but do not attack them. Do not attack their personality as it is. This is what we learn from Rasulullah ﷺ.

The Teacher's Example

Imagine even if a teacher, even if a teacher is trying to... Imagine if a teacher found their own student cheating. No teacher likes to find their student cheating. Because that teacher feels like I have not taught them well enough that now they feel the need to cheat in order to pass an exam. So what happens? Two things can happen. Either that teacher is going to come and say that you are a liar, you are a cheater, you are a failure. They can do something like that. And what that does is that that person will hate their homework, they will hate their academics, or they will hate their work that they have to do even more than before.

Or the teacher can say that you made this choice that you wanted to cheat. But why did you feel the need to cheat? Why did you do this? And a lot of times when you talk to that student they will say, well I did not understand such and such concept. Or I was not here. Then you address the problem. But right off the bat if you are critical and you are very negative of anyone, you are not going to get across and you are not going to get to the root of the problem overall.

That is why we have to always be mindful that they understand that you are going against, you are standing up against the crime, not the criminal.

Summary: Five Principles of Giving Nasiha

I ask Allah that these are five things that we have learned and there are many other examples that we find from the life of Rasulullah ﷺ. I ask Allah that He makes us from amongst those who follow the teachings of Rasulullah ﷺ. May Allah make us from amongst those whose hearts are clean. And may Allah make us from amongst those who stick to the Qur'an and the Sunnah of Rasulullah ﷺ.

I just want to quickly run through again the five things that we covered. Number one, if you correct others, then you have to be willing to accept other people's corrections and other people's advice. Number two, always try to choose to do things privately and not publicly. This is what we learned from the Prophet ﷺ. Number three, always understand the story and the context before you start correcting someone. Number four, always correct people in a way that is not harsh, but rather gives them a sense of hope. And a sense of improvement that they can improve and they are good people. And number five is, always make sure that when you give advice, you focus on the crime and not the person who actually committed the crime or the sin.

May Allah grant all of us tawfiq. May Allah grant all of us tawfiq. May Allah grant all of us tawfiq.