Ramadan Begins at Home | Mufti Abdul Wahab Waheed | Guardians of the Heart Conference

Ramadan Begins at Home

Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem. Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Alameen, Wa Al-Aqibatil Muttaqeen, Wa As-Salaatu Was-Salaamu Ala Ashrafil Anbiyaa Wal Mursaleen, Sayyidina Muhammad Al-Nabi Al-Ameen, Alladhi Ismuhum Maktubun Fil Injeel Wat-Tawrah. Amma Ba'd.

Faqad Qala Allahu Azza Wa Jalla Fi Kitabihi Al-Aziz, Ba'da A'udhu Billahi Minash Shaitanir Rajeem, Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 13; Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 72)

The Three Ameen's on the Pulpit

My dear brothers, sisters, elders and youngsters — one day the Prophet ﷺ ascended the minbar, the pulpit, and he takes the first step. As the Sahaba are sitting in front of him, he says Ameen. Then he takes the second step and he repeats Ameen. And then he takes the third step and he repeats Ameen the third time.

The Sahaba, who observed the Prophet perhaps more closely than we have observed even the loved ones who are dear to our hearts — because of how much they loved him — they asked: Ya Rasulullah, we have never seen this before. We have never seen you walk on the pulpit and say Ameen. What was happening behind the scenes with the angels that you responded by saying Ameen three times?

And the Prophet of Allah ﷺ responded: When I took my first step on the pulpit, the angels descended — Jibreel Alayhi Salaam descended from the heavens — and he said: May Allah's wrath be upon the individual who hears my name and does not respond by saying Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. And I said Ameen. So the one making the du'a is Jibreel, and the one saying Ameen is the Prophet of Allah.

Then he says: I took the second step. And Jibreel Alayhi Salaam made the du'a that may Allah's wrath be upon a person whosoever finds one of their parents — if not both of them — to be alive at an elderly age, and they still somehow lose out on the opportunity of making it to Jannah, because this is an easy path towards Jannah — serving one's parents. And the Prophet said Ameen.

And the third one was: Whoever finds himself to be alive in the month of Ramadan and leaves the month of Ramadan without being forgiven — may Allah's wrath be upon that person as well. And the Prophet said Ameen.

The Connection Between Ramadan and Our Parents

My dear friends, there is a reason why all three of these came together. I'll highlight the second one as a connection with the third. As we hope and as we progress towards the month of Ramadan and seek to be forgiven, a person must recognize the impediments that come between us and Allah's forgiveness — and these must primarily be removed for Allah's forgiveness to touch our hearts and our bodies. And one of those impediments that becomes a barrier between a person and receiving Allah's forgiveness is that their parents are unhappy with them.

The month of Ramadan is not only a month where we seek and find Allah. We find Allah through our relationships. We find Allah through service. Why is it so that the most rewarding fast that one can break is when they serve someone else? Because through serving people we find Allah.

And the Prophet says in a beautiful hadith:

(Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 1672)

Whoever has done something good to you, be loyal to them and do good back to them. And there is no one in our ecosystem that has done more good to us than our own parents.

And as the youngsters sitting here — and even the elders — we ask ourselves at times: the du'as that we make are being made continuously, but the response is quite limited. We're changing different strategies, we're changing our environment as if perhaps a solution is found within it. But often times the solution is simply found in the aspects that are closest to us, in our homes — which is: is my mother or father even happy with me? Are they proud of me?

The Man Who Came from Yemen

A man came from Yemen — traveled through the deserts of Hijaz, reached Madinatul Munawwara. And upon reaching the Prophet ﷺ, the Prophet asked him: Where did you come from? He said: I came from Yemen. He said: Why did you come all the way from Yemen? And the man responds: I came all the way from Yemen so I can serve you —

So I can serve you and I can strive in the path of Allah with you. What a meritorious intention. What a virtuous outcome he was planning for.

And the Prophet of Allah looks towards him and he says: Are any of your parents alive? Are either of your parents alive? And the man responds: Yes, my mother is alive. So the Prophet of Allah says to him, when you left your mother —

Was she grieving and sad that you left her? Or was she happy that you were leaving? Which one? Was she happy or was she sad? And the man says: Ya Rasulullah, my mother was very sad that I was leaving. And the Prophet of Allah says to him: You want to serve Allah? You want to serve in the path of Allah with me? No.

Don't stay here. Go back to Yemen and serve your mother. And only if she lets you go willingly, happily, do you return to me. No service of the creation is more virtuous than serving the mother and the father.

One Glance of Love — The Reward of Hajj

The Prophet of Allah says:

(Al-Bayhaqi, Shu'ab al-Iman)

Whosoever looks at his or her mother with a glance of love — and the condition, my dear youngsters, is not a person who looks at his mother thinking to themselves: When is she going to stop talking so I can look back at my phone? When is she going to stop speaking about her friends and her situations so I can call my friends and go out and have iftar with them?

How many mothers and fathers have iftar without their children? And the children seek to validate their Ramadan by going out and having iftar with their friends — which is great. But those hands that used to carry the weight of us have now become old, and there are no hands to rest upon. Those eyes that would cry for us now cry because of us. Those shoulders that were used to support us are now heavy, and there is no one to support them.

Imagine eating alone in Ramadan because I don't find it as fulfilling to break my fast with an elderly woman because she doesn't appease the needs that I have. It's not about you. Every moment of life is not about you. If that were the case, the Prophet wouldn't have been so loving. He was a man with a heart that was broken in ways that we could never count — six, seven children being buried in his lifetime. It was not always about us.

Whoever looks at his mother with a glance of love — Allah declares for this person a Hajj that is accepted. And the Sahaba say: Ya Rasulullah, even if the son or daughter looks at their parents 100 times in a day like this? And the Prophet says: Even if the mother is looked at 100 times with this intention, Allah will give this person the reward of Hajj.

What are we seeking? Reward or validation? What are we seeking? Recognition or Jannah? Because ultimately, the avenues towards Allah are many. But the ones that are set as the primary avenues are at times the ones that are ignored the most. And the pathway to Allah through parents is the quickest pathway to Allah.

The Pleasure of Allah Is Tied to the Pleasure of Parents

The Prophet ﷺ said in a beautiful hadith:

(Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1899)

The pleasure and happiness of Allah is directly contingent upon the happiness and pleasure of one's parents. And of course there are exceptions. "Sheikh, you don't know — my parents are different." Do not let the exceptions that we know about and hear about cloud the reality of the responsibility that we have towards our parents. The exceptions will always be there.

And many of us who are older, whose parents are at an elderly age, are thinking to ourselves: maybe, just maybe, I didn't serve them as much. I didn't spend as much time with them. Well, the clock is ticking. The month of Ramadan is there for me to earn Allah's forgiveness, not the recognition of the people of the community. If it means that I can't volunteer — I can't volunteer. If it means that I can't even pray Taraweeh — it's okay. Pray Taraweeh at home with your mother who is aging. The goal is not my spiritual feeling. The goal is: is she happy with me?

The Companion Who Could Not Recite the Kalima

A man was passing away from the Prophet's community — a companion, a Sahabi. We cannot challenge ourselves that we have more Iman than a companion. He was on his deathbed. And the Sahaba were reciting the Kalima around him — La ilaha illallah — which is talqeen: recite the Kalima so the person can repeat it after you. And the young companion was not able to repeat the Kalima. He couldn't say it.

They called the Prophet ﷺ. Each Sahabi's Iman is equivalent to the mountains around Mecca and Medina — these are people who are built upon faith. And yet he cannot recite the Kalima. The Prophet ﷺ comes forth and recites the Kalima. The man cannot say the words.

The Prophet ﷺ looks around and says: Is his mother alive? Call the mother. And he says to her: Ya Ummah — Oh mother — did your son do something or say something to you that has broken your heart? And it's not about whether or not he meant it, dear youngsters. When it comes to our interactions with each other, our intentions take a back seat. How the person receives it is what really matters. What we intend doesn't make a difference. "I didn't intend to hurt you" — but you did though. "I didn't intend to make you angry" — but you did though. Intention does not pacify the reality of the outcome that takes place.

The Prophet ﷺ says to her: Did he do something? She says: You know, my son reads Quran, he prays Salah — but he doesn't honor me. He doesn't respect me. So because of that, I am upset with him. The Prophet ﷺ says: Oh mother, if you don't forgive him and raise your hands in du'a, this son of yours will not be able to leave this world reading the Kalima. So raise your hands and forgive him.

And she raises her hands. As she raises her hands and forgives her son, a few moments later he recites the Kalima and he passes away — based upon the happiness and the rida of the mother. Ultimately, the goal that we have to reach Jannah comes through the gates of our parents.

Fulfilling the Rights of Parents After Their Passing

And if our parents are not alive, we still have a process through which we can fulfill their rights. The Prophet ﷺ was asked by a man: Ya Rasulullah, how do I fulfill the responsibility of my parents if they have passed away? The Prophet ﷺ says: You can do four things.

The relationship with one's mother or father does not end with the temporal life of this world — it continues to the hereafter. Just do four things:

Number one — Make du'a for them. We go for Umrah, we go for these trips, and youngsters stand in front of the Ka'bah and after a few moments the du'as are done. You look at them and say: You haven't even made du'a for your parents yet. That's where it starts.

A man came to Abdullah ibn Umar رضي الله عنه after completing Hajj with his mother on his shoulders — the entire Hajj. Completing Hajj on your own is hard enough. Completing Hajj with your wife or husband is harder. Completing Hajj with your mother on your shoulders — and he says to Abdullah ibn Umar: Have I fulfilled the rights of my mother upon me? Have I paid her back?

Next time this tongue is used to hurt that heart, we should ask ourselves — this person was the one who taught me how to use my tongue. This person was the one who taught me how to use my arms and hands. How can the tongue be used against the one who taught you how to speak? These are people who sit silently. These were the same people who, when we would ask, "I need something" — they would say, "I'm available." And now when they seek us, we say we're too busy.

It is as if we're living in their houses, but they're walking on eggshells, not wanting to disturb our peace. Why is our peace more important than theirs? Why is our fulfillment of life a priority over theirs? Why is it so that their presence is such that they seek us but we ignore them — because there are other people in this world who are a source of comfort to us, who bring more life and more joy? One look is a Hajj that is accepted. Just one look.

Number two — Seek forgiveness for them.

Number three — Fulfill the covenants they made in this world. That is our responsibility.

Number four — Be good to their friends. Be good to the friends of our parents. That's very difficult at times. You know that auntie? Or that uncle? The ones who would doubt us? You've got to be good to them. And you're not being good to them because you love them — you're being good to them because your parents love them.

We say we love people, but we don't love the people who they love. That's not called love. The Prophet loved something — the Sahaba started loving that food. The Sahaba started loving squash because the Prophet loved eating squash. The Sahaba started disliking garlic because the Prophet disliked garlic. True love is such that whatever the beloved loves, you also love it. I always say I love my parents, but I don't love their friends — that is not love.

Abdullah ibn Umar and the Hundred Camels

Abdullah ibn Umar one day was going for Hajj, and he had a hundred camels with him so he could slaughter for Hajj — and he would go for Hajj every year; one of the companions who performed the most Hajj was Abdullah ibn Umar. And he sees on the journey a man in the desert. He goes to him and says: Are you the son of so-and-so? He says: Yes, I am his son. He says: Come here.

And he tells his caravan: Give him all the camels. A hundred camels — in today's time, that is a hundred truckloads. That is a heavy gift. He gave all of them to him. And then he takes his turban off his head and places it on his head. They say: Abdullah, what is this? This is a normal person in the desert, a Bedouin. Why would you gift all of your animals to this man? He's a nobody.

He says: Ah — my father loved sitting with his father. My father enjoyed the company of his father. That is enough for me. The rationale does not take over the love of the emotions that we have for our parents. Everything else has to be secondary.

The Father's Poem — A Wound That Cannot Be Explained

The mercy of Allah in the month of Ramadan depends on asking ourselves: we are fortunate. We can ask our parents — are you happy with us? And if the answer is yes, that means Allah is happy with us. And if the answer is no, we have to ask ourselves: is Allah really happy with us?

I will end with a story. There was a young man who came to complain to the Prophet ﷺ about his father taking from his wealth. He came to complain: my father eats from my wealth. Sometimes we think that I'm the one earning now — why are my parents...? Even the thought of that should be buried so deep into the ocean that not even shaitan can bring it back.

How can the muhsin — the one who has been shown grace and excellence their entire life — now feel like they are the ones who have been doing it their entire life? This is displaced. It's a tragedy. It's a lack of intellect.

He comes to the Prophet, he complains that my father takes from my wealth. Sometimes this happens to us — it might not be wealth, it might be time. It might be psychological reserve. It might be that I want to quickly end the call with my mother because I have things to do. So he complains to the Prophet. And the Prophet, as he would always do, would hear both sides of the story. So he calls the father and the father is summoned.

The father finds out on his way towards the masjid that my son complained about me to the Prophet. Imagine how that feels. So as he's walking, he recites a couplet in his head and his heart. But those words are never uttered by his lips — he just recites them in his heart. The pain of his heart forced him to think of these words.

And as he comes to the Prophet, the Prophet of Allah says: Dear father, before I ask you about any details of what took place with your son — I must ask you: can you recite the poetry and the couplets that you thought about in your heart? Recite them to me and then I'll take the case forward. Without that, I cannot move forward.

The man said: Ya Rasulullah, I didn't even say those words. He says: Jibreel Alayhi Salaam came down from the heavens saying that Allah wishes to hear what you said in your heart. Because the wounds of that father's heart cannot be explained — the son is now complaining to the Prophet about me.

So when he is asked, he recites:

Oh my son, I raised you despite all the challenges that I had. I made sure that everything you asked for — I worked extra hours. When you said you wanted to go on a vacation, I didn't say I didn't have the money — I worked extra to take you on that vacation. When you said you wanted to dress the way your friends dress at school — I worked overtime. I worked extra to serve you the way that I served you. You never recognized the pain in my heart.

And when you would become sick — it was as if I was sick. Anyone who is a parent now recognizes that when the child gets sick, the entire household is shaken by it. The sickness might be so simple, but the parents love this child so much that there is nothing that troubles him or her that is insignificant. Every moment of difficulty is significant for the father and the mother. When you would be in pain, when people would say things to you — it would hurt our hearts. It would pain us. You know, sometimes a person can forgive you, but their parents won't forgive you because of how you harmed them. So it was as if I became sick when you were hurting.

And then finally —

When the time came that I was dreaming of — that my son or daughter will become independent, start working, go to school, post-graduate programs, become a physician, fulfill the dreams that we had for them. There is no one in life that wishes for us to succeed more than our parents. Everyone else wishes for us to succeed to an extent — and beyond that, their hearts can be filled with jealousy. The only people who wish for us to succeed more than everyone else are our parents. And if we're lucky enough — siblings and teachers.

So I was waiting for that day that you would become the man that I dreamt of, the daughter that I dreamt of. You would have all these accolades, and I would watch you from a distance beaming with pride — that's my son, that's my daughter.

You compensated me with harshness? You compensated me with pain? You look towards me — sometimes we look at our parents with a frown as if we're paying back a loan. When they're speaking to us, we listen to their speech as if it's a punishment for us. We scorn, we frown, we change our facial expressions as if this is a loan that we're paying back. This is a responsibility that was given to us by Allah.

And it is only a burden for a person who doesn't have Allah in their heart.

He says, ultimately at the end of it: It's as if your entire life, I did nothing for you and you did everything for me. And if you don't want me to be your father and you won't fulfill the rights of being a son — it's all good, son — just at least take care of me as if I'm a neighbor of yours. Sometimes people living in our own homes feel like strangers because of how distant we become from them. We live in the same house, but the distance that we create makes it feel like we're strangers and enemies.

Don't let the mother or father have to calculate when they speak to us what they want to say. Let them speak. Don't make them calculate — they're too old for that. Let them speak. What's extra, we ignore. What's beneficial, we take. Don't make them count their words as if we're going to hold them responsible, as if they're standing in a courtroom. Don't be a daughter or a son that puts your parents on trial every single day, making them speak as if every word is going to be questioned.

You and Your Wealth Belong to Your Father

And ultimately, as the father finishes reading the poem, the Prophet's entire beard is filled with tears. And he grabs the son and says:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 2291)

You and your wealth and your entire existence belongs to your father. Who are you anyways? Sometimes we've got to step back and say — who am I anyways without my father? Who am I without my mother?

Make This Ramadan Different

And ultimately, for all of us — we have parents that are either alive or have passed away. That responsibility of making sure that we become people who serve them and earn Jannah through them doesn't end with them leaving. It continues. And Allah's forgiveness in the month of Ramadan is attached to our parents being pleased with us.

Some parents can count the number of iftars they have with their children. They can count it. And it's not like these children are doing something phenomenal — they're just going out and eating with their friends. While parents are eating alone. We've got to answer for that.

This Ramadan, make it different. It might be the last Ramadan that we have with our parents. Take care of it. Cherish it. Make it an ibadah — because indeed it is the greatest ibadah for a son or daughter whose parents are alive.

May Allah make this Ramadan different for us. And take care of it. Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Alameen.