Advice on Raising Children (with Sign Language) - Shaykh Hafeezullah Khan

Opening — Khutbah al-Hajah

إِنَّ الْحَمْدَ لِلَّهِ، نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِينُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ، وَنُؤْمِنُ بِهِ وَنَتَوَكَّلُ عَلَيْهِ، وَنَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنْ شُرُورِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا، مَنْ يَهْدِهِ اللَّهُ فَلَا مُضِلَّ لَهُ، وَمَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَلَا هَادِيَ لَهُ، أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ سَيِّدَنَا وَمَوْلَانَا مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ.

أَمَّا بَعْدُ: فَإِنَّ خَيْرَ الْحَدِيثِ كِتَابُ اللَّهِ، وَخَيْرَ الْهَدْيِ هَدْيُ مُحَمَّدٍ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، وَشَرَّ الْأُمُورِ مُحْدَثَاتُهَا، وَكُلَّ مُحْدَثَةٍ بِدْعَةٌ، وَكُلَّ بِدْعَةٍ ضَلَالَةٌ، وَكُلَّ ضَلَالَةٍ فِي النَّارِ.

The Most Important Issue Facing Muslim Families in the West

Dear brothers and sisters in Islam, the Muslim families in the West are blessed with everything — wealth, security, a peaceful atmosphere, and more. But still we are facing many issues here. And the most important issue we need to deal with is the tarbiyah and upbringing of our new generation, our children.

But we are ignorant in this very important issue. Dear brothers and sisters, as we know that the relationship between parents and children is based on love, respect and mercy for one another. Parents have mercy alongside their love for children, while children have respect for parents alongside their love for them.

Two Angles: Children as Blessing or Burden

The Qur'an presents this relationship between parents and children in two different angles which we need to consider. As Allah says in Surah Al-Kahf:

Children and wealth are the beauty of this world. And the good deeds that remain are better in the sight of Allah.

And in Surah Al-Tawbah, Allah says:

O Muhammad, do not be impressed by the children and the wealth of the disbelievers. They are a means of punishment for them in this world.

So in the first verse, Allah states that children can be forever-remaining good deeds for their parents. And in the second ayah, Allah mentions them as a means of punishment for their parents in this world and in the hereafter. So it is up to the parents — what they want to make their children: ever-remaining good deeds, or a punishment.

No doubt, nobody wants their children to be a means of punishment for themselves. They want them to be remaining good deeds. But will this happen just by wishing for it? No — we need to make the effort and make sacrifice to achieve this target. And if we want to make them such that they become our forever-remaining good deeds, then we need to do proper tarbiyah. We need to safeguard their Islamic personalities and identity and to teach them the deen.

And if we do the proper tarbiyah of our children and make them good Muslims, it is us — the parents — who will benefit from this in this world and the hereafter. These children will bring peace, harmony and happiness to us. They will respect and obey their parents in this world, and they will also become a reason for increase in their rewards in the hereafter.

The Challenges of Raising Children Today

Dear brothers and sisters, especially nowadays, upbringing our children according to the Quran and Sunnah and doing their tarbiyah has become more and more important. Because in the past, there wasn't as much evil and fitnahs as there are nowadays. Therefore in this day and age, parents have to make far more effort than before. Because the shaitan has opened thousands of windows and doors for our children to divert them from the path of Allah.

Wherever you look, you will see evil. Whether you take a newspaper, any magazine, your mobile phone, or look at the TV programs and the billboards on the streets, or in any shopping centre — wherever you go, wherever you look, you will see how the shaitan invites them towards evil.

Three Types of Parents

The First Type: Those Who Lack a Role Model

With regards to upbringing and doing tarbiyah of our children, we will see there are three types of parents. The first are those who want their children to be pious and they try to do their tarbiyah. They try to save them from the shaitan, and they spend time, money and effort for this purpose. But even with all these efforts, there is something important lacking in their tarbiyah — and that is being a good role model themselves for their children. They don't make any effort to change themselves.

So the question is, dear brothers and sisters: if you don't pray, then how can you expect your children to pray? If you don't speak the truth, how will you expect your children not to lie? And if you don't control your gaze, how will your children lower their gaze? If your manners are not good, how will you expect your children to have good manners?

We often think that whatever we do in front of or in the presence of our children, they don't understand it. This is wrong. Because children keep an eye on everything we do and they learn from it. If we do something wrong in front of them, then not only do they learn it from us, but they will also consider that wrong action as part of the deen, as part of Islam. Because whatever we do, whatever we say — in their sight, it is a part of Islam. Because we are Muslim parents in their sight. We are role model Muslims for them. And when they later realize that what their parents did was wrong and sinful, then you will lower your status in their eyes. And this is a major humiliation for parents.

Allah says:

In this verse, Allah says that before you save your family, you have to save yourself from the fire of hell — by making yourself an ideal Muslim and a role model for your children. In other words, if you want to save your family from the hellfire, you need to save yourself first, then you will be able to save your family from the fire of hell.

And when we look at the seerah of the prophets, for example the seerah of Ibrahim (peace be upon him) — Allah has mentioned his du'as in the Quran in various places, very beautiful du'as. In one place, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) makes du'a to Allah:

O Allah, make me and my children establish the prayer.

In this du'a, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) asked Allah that his children should establish the prayer. But notice — he said: "O Allah, first make me establish my prayer, so my children will be the same." He began with himself.

In another du'a mentioned in the Quran, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) said:

O Allah, save me and my children from shirk and idol worshipping.

It means that if you want your child's aqeedah to be correct and save them from shirk, then foremost, you need to correct your own aqeedah and be a role model for your children. Ibrahim (peace be upon him) first asked for himself to be saved, and then for his children.

And likewise, Allah taught us a du'a in Surah Al-Furqan:

O Lord, make our wives and children the coolness of our eyes, and make us the Imam of Al-Muttaqun.

In this du'a, we ask Allah to make our family — our wives and our children — pious, so that when we see them, they become the coolness of our eyes and give us joy in our hearts. This is the first part of the du'a. And in the second part, Allah taught us to say: "O Allah, make us the Imam of Al-Muttaqun" — the leader of the righteous. This means that if you want your wife and children to become so pious and fearful of Allah, then Allah is saying: you have to try and make du'a for yourself to become a leading person for your family — by your Iman, your good deeds, your actions and your manners. That is the main thing. That is the most important thing.

So all these verses teach both parents — mother and father — to be role models for their children.

The Second Type: Those Who Are Careless About Their Children

The second type of parents are those who are worried about saving only themselves from the hellfire. You see them regularly — mashAllah, they pray in the masjid, they perform Hajj and Umrahs, and they do lots of other good deeds — but at the same time, they are careless about their children. They feel that the children will learn everything on their own when they grow up. Although it is the responsibility of the parents, and it is the parents who will be questioned about the children.

As the Prophet (peace be upon him) says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 893; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1829)

Everyone of you is responsible, and each of you will be asked about their responsibilities on the Day of Judgment.

In another hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) describes a person known as a dayyus — meaning one who is shameless — that is, one who does not care what is happening in their house, what their children are up to, who they meet and hang around with, why they come home late at night, why they don't pray or attend the masjid. He only cares about himself and is careless about his children in these matters. Such a person, according to the hadith, is known as dayyus, and will be captured in the wrath of Allah on the Day of Judgment — such that Allah will neither look at him nor speak to him. Why? Because he did not fulfil his duties as a parent.

(Sunan al-Nasa'i, Hadith 2562; authenticated by al-Albani)

In another hadith, there is an example for us: once a woman came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) with her daughter, and the daughter was wearing gold bangles on her hand. When the Prophet (peace be upon him) saw her, he asked the mother: "Have you paid zakah on these gold bangles?" She said no. He then said to the mother: "Do you wish that on the Day of Judgment these are replaced with bangles of fire on your hands?"

We have to note here that the Prophet (peace be upon him) addressed and questioned the mother — not the daughter who was wearing the bangles. So this hadith clearly states that if our children are doing wrong, then firstly the parents will be asked about it. If parents have done their duty to refrain their children, then they will not be held responsible. Otherwise, Allah will ask the parents before asking the children.

(Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 1563; Sunan al-Nasa'i, Hadith 2479)

The Third Type: Those Who Strive for Themselves and Their Children

The third type of parents are those who, mashAllah, try to save both themselves and their children from the hellfire, and they make efforts for the proper upbringing of their children. But if we want to do proper tarbiyah and be successful in their upbringing, we need to be aware of three things.

Three Pillars of Proper Tarbiyah

First: Correct Aqeedah

First, we must make sure that our family, our children and our wives have the correct aqeedah — correct belief. One's aqeedah and belief is the foundation of their life and their deeds. If a person's Iman, if a person's aqeedah is not sound, then their deeds and all their actions are worthless. So we must make sure that our families know the meaning of tawheed and what it means to believe in the oneness of Allah. That is the foundation.

In this regard, we should be aware of a few things: belief in the existence of Allah, which we must teach our children; belief in His oneness — in His lordship, in His worship, and in His names and attributes.

Belief in the existence of Allah is very important in this day and age. Because the issues and problems being faced today by our children are far worse than what we faced in our childhood. Times have changed and so have the challenges and fitnahs that our children face in their deen — such that we probably didn't even imagine them in our childhood.

One of the fitnahs that our children are facing today in relation to the deen is the doubts created in their minds about the true deen — about Allah's existence, about the Prophet Muhammad's prophethood, and about the Quran being the book of Allah. And if we don't guide our children properly to save them from these fitnahs and explain the reality to them, then they will lose their deen. And sadly, dear brothers and sisters, this is happening now.

We see children with doubts created in their minds about Allah's existence. And at the moment, there is an organization set up known as ex-Muslims. And we are sleeping, thinking that sending the children to the masjid and madrasah when they are young is enough to fulfil our duty. This is our misunderstanding. Hence, we should face this fact and deal with it before it's too late.

Second: Understanding Their Responsibilities as Muslims

Secondly, we must make sure that our families understand what it means to be a Muslim. We must ensure that they understand their responsibilities towards Allah — that He is our Creator, He is our Provider, and that whatever we have in our life is from Allah. Our health, our wealth, our minds, our knowledge — all of it is from Allah and not from our own talent. And Allah wants only one thing from us: that we worship Him alone, make no partner with Him in His worship, truly be His slaves, surrender to His will, abstain from everything haram, and do good deeds that Allah has commanded.

And we have to bring them up to realize their duties and responsibilities towards themselves as Muslims, and towards others in the society. We have to educate them how to respect elders, how to obey their parents, how to look after neighbours, how to have good behaviour with people — Muslim or non-Muslim — and how to maintain kinship in the family.

Third: Observing What Is Fard and Refraining from What Is Forbidden

Thirdly, we must do whatever is in our ability to ensure that our families do what is obligatory upon them — what is fard — and do only what is permissible, and refrain from whatever is forbidden.

The Role of the Masjid in Tarbiyah

Another important point: as you know, we are in the era of electronic media, in which social media is playing a main role. The shaitan has opened up many paths for misleading our children through social media. So it is the responsibility of parents in this age that — as well as making themselves a role model for their children — they also attach their children to the masjid and its scholars, those who are on the straight path, those who can guide our children in the light of Quran and Sunnah, where they can learn about the issues of the deen, where they can ask with full confidence any question that they have in their mind, any doubts that they have — and if we don't do that, then in this age of the internet, our children will find online such people who can divert them from the straight path in the name of the deen.

Because children have many questions in their minds. If they don't have someone present to answer their questions, they seek answers online. So parents are responsible to engage their children in activities and different programs of the masjid, and to attend themselves with their children. It is not enough just to wish that our children become good Muslims. Being attached to the masjid and its activities is our way to salvation.

Look at what Ibrahim (peace be upon him) asked for. He said:

O my Lord, I have left my children in a valley where there is no greenery, but there is Your house — I have left them nearby so that they can establish the prayer.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 671)

The best places on the whole earth in the sight of Allah are the masajid.

Because the masjid leads you and your children towards Allah's path. We often make the excuse that we are so busy and we don't have time to take our children to the masjid for its different courses, different lectures and different activities. But it's a reality that when they need to go for any sports activities or any other activities, we have all the time for them.

Likewise, dear brothers and sisters, it is the responsibility of parents that they also educate themselves and learn the deen — the true deen — on the basis of Quran and Sunnah if they want to do proper tarbiyah of their children. So that they know what is right and what is wrong, what is haram and what is halal, what is sunnah and what is bid'ah, what is tawheed and what is shirk.

I say this and I ask Allah's forgiveness for me and you and for all Muslims from every sin. So ask His forgiveness. He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.

Second Khutbah — Tarbiyah Begins Before Marriage

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. And peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and all his companions.

Dear brothers and sisters, some people think that tarbiyah of the children is best done when they grow up. Although the tarbiyah of children should start even before the marriage — by following the criteria taught in Islam for finding a suitable partner. We should know that family, caste, country, language, wealth or beauty are secondary in this regard. The most important criteria is the deen.

And if you choose a partner on this basis, you will not only save your own deen, but also your next generation's deen as well. As the Prophet (peace be upon him) says, regarding choosing a husband — reported by Tirmidhi:

(Jami' al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1084)

When anyone proposes for your daughter or your sister, and you are happy with his deen and his character, then do not reject him. Otherwise, there will be a commotion — there will be a fitnah in this world.

In another hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) says about choosing a wife — from Sahih Bukhari:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1466)

A woman is chosen for marriage on the basis of four things: her wealth, her family, her beauty and her deen. So choose on the basis of the deen, and you will be successful.

Unfortunately, our criteria is totally different from the criteria which Islam gives us. We choose a girl or boy on the basis of first their wealth, their family, their beauty — and then we think about the deen. We are going backwards in the order stated in the hadith. And parents often reject proposals that are not from their own family, regardless of how pious and practicing the person may be. As a result, we see many girls sitting at home past their age of marriage, and there are many who turn against their families because of this and end up living on their own.

This hadith does not mean that Islam ignores family, beauty and wealth. Yes — but the Prophet (peace be upon him) wants us to give priority to the deen. And then if he or she is beautiful, has wealth and has a good family, then this is an added blessing for you from Allah. Unfortunately, we are facing this problem because we often choose not to marry our children outside the family, because we have pride in our own family and tribes — whereas such thinking was found in the times of Jahiliyyah. And Islam came to change such thoughts and taught people that the main thing — in the sight of Allah — is the deen.

The Early Years: Moulding the Child's Mentality

The other thing is that we normally think the child's activities till the age of four or five is just to eat, play and sleep. Dear brothers and sisters, whereas this is actually the age in which you mould a child's mentality. What the child sees and hears in these years remains with them for the rest of their life.

As parents, it is our duty to decide whether we teach them du'as, the Quranic ayahs and the ahadith — or music, good or bad. Whatever example we present to the child, that is what they will become. As the Prophet (peace be upon him) says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1385; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2658)

Every child is born upon fitrah — upon Islam — but his parents make him either a Jew, a Christian or a fire worshipper.

And those parents who are careless in the tarbiyah of their children will face the many fitnahs that we are facing today. And one of them is the fitnah of extremism — in the name of the deen — which makes children targets of extremist organizations. If you assess the incidents of terrorism happening in different parts of the world, you will see that where a Muslim is involved, they were typically not practicing Muslims. They were those who took drugs, had girlfriends, drank alcohol and lived haram lives. If they had true knowledge of the deen and if they had a proper tarbiyah, they would never have been involved in such incidents.

On the other hand, they are filling up the prisons rather than the mosques. We see that in relation to drugs, killings and other crimes, the areas which come into the limelight are ones where the majority population are Muslims. And where we are losing our new generation because of this, we are also becoming a means for the increase in hate and enmity for Islam and Muslims in this world.

So the point is: if we want to make our new generation the coolness of our eyes, to save them from the hellfire, to make them remaining good deeds for ourselves, then we have to do the proper tarbiyah — which is based on the Quran and Sunnah.