Muslim Parenting 101

Opening: Surah Luqman

And when Luqman said to his son while he was preaching: O my son, do not associate partners with Allah. Indeed, associating partners with Allah is a great injustice.

And We have enjoined upon man his parents. His mother bore him with weakness upon weakness, and his separation was in two years. Give thanks to Me and to your parents. To Me is the destination.

And if they strive against you to associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. And follow the way of those who turn to Me. Then to Me is your return, and I will inform you of what you used to do.

Introduction: Children — Our Greatest Pain and Our Greatest Blessing

Children — our greatest pain and our greatest blessing. Most of us here are parents or soon to be parents, so inshAllah hopefully this is relevant to everybody.

The title I was given was how to place the love of the Qur'an and the Sunnah in the hearts of children. I'm going to make it much broader than that. The topic I'm going to give myself is: how do we nurture our children with the challenges of the world around us today?

I'm going to divide that into three age groups: 0–7, 7–14, and 14–21. Because it is reported that Ali ibn Abi Talib said: play with them until they're 7, teach them for 7 years, and befriend them for the next 7 years. And this framework of Ali ibn Abi Talib was actually the way in which the Prophet's companions used to raise their children.

But at each of these age groups, there are unique challenges that we face today.

Age Group 1: From Birth to 7 Years Old

The Challenges

What are the challenges we face today in making children under 7 love Islam and love the Qur'an and have an attachment to it? Technology. Time — we feel like we don't have enough time with our kids. Primary school — there are things being taught there that weren't a challenge ten years ago. And the economy. When gas and electric prices have gone up, when you need two people working just to keep the lights on, who is looking after the child? Nursery. School. You don't get time with your children because you're so busy just trying to keep the lights on at home.

Priority #1: Connect Your Child to Allah

Now let's discuss how we address these challenges. The first thing we have to ask is: what is the most important thing to teach a child between 0 and 7? Some say the Qur'an. Some say manners. Some say Tawheed or Iman. Some say stories of the Prophets, which comes back to their Iman, their belief and their role models.

Between the ages of 0–7, there are two most important things to teach your children. The first is found in Surah Luqman — this is something every parent should read. Surah Luqman is chapter number 31 in the Qur'an. In this Surah, there is a character by the name of Luqman. There is a difference of opinion whether he was a Prophet or a righteous man. But his advice to his children is being captured and narrated.

What is the first thing Luqman teaches his child? He says: my dear son, if there is a tiny mustard seed, it could be hidden anywhere in the sky or in the earth, Allah will find it. Because Allah is Al-Latif — subtle in His ways — but He is Al-Khabir — He knows everything. What is Luqman teaching his child first? He is teaching him about Allah.

Now what do parents usually do between the ages of 0 and 7? If you have boys, you have high energy children, bouncing up and down the house. Your greatest challenge is how to direct their energy. And often, a parent tries to scare their children. "If you don't go to sleep, you know the uncle from next door? The one with the big beard? He comes at night." Lots of parents use this scaremongering tactic. "When Baba comes home from work, I'm going to tell Baba."

But you know why it doesn't work? At some point in time, this child is going to be on their own, without parents around. When a child is on their own, who do you want them to be scared of — the parent, or Allah?

The greatest thing a parent can teach their child between 0–7 is to connect them and make them understand who Allah is. Let them love Allah. Let them fear Allah. Let them understand that Allah is watching them. If you have done that, you have sorted out 50% of your problems for the rest of your life. All the other influences on a child's life will have less influence because the child is conscious of Allah.

Take your children often out into nature — to the parks, to the beaches. Go on walks. Point up at the sky, at the flowers, at the bees. Who made this? Where did this come from? Look at the rain. Who sent the rain to us? Keep asking the child, where did it come from? And keep embedding this idea: everything came from Allah. You buy a toy for your child, your child says thank you, and you say: no, this was from Allah — say Alhamdulillah. Connect them not to you, connect them directly to Allah. This is what you need to keep doing again and again between age 0–7.

Priority #2: Managing Screens

The second thing — how do we deal with screens? Between ages 0–7, there are two possible approaches.

The first is a hardcore approach. This is my madhab that I follow — which is no screens at all. When my first child was born, I sold my TV. Because I know I'm weak. When my child is crying and screaming and not letting me sleep, what am I going to do to pacify the child? I'll just turn on the TV. And you can just keep doing that day in and day out because it's convenient. So to make it more difficult for myself, I sold the TV. Now I have to entertain this child somehow — stories, blocks, Lego. I cannot use the TV as a drug.

There is a second approach — keep your screens, but your child should not see anything except what you choose for them to see. Control the content. Control how much time your children are exposed to screens. In fact, you can actually use the screen to your advantage. Look for cartoons that have good messages for children — cartoons, stories of the prophets. There is a beautiful cartoon series about Salahuddin al-Ayyubi. There is a beautiful cartoon movie about Tariq ibn Ziyad, the man who conquered al-Andalus. Cartoons with good meanings, good stories.

Select them. Never give your child a free reign to do whatever they want on a screen. You select it for them, you place it for them, and you give them 30 minutes, 20 minutes, 15 minutes. You are hitting two birds with one stone — you are letting your child be entertained, but you are also teaching them, through a different medium.

Priority #3: Managing Yourself

The third challenge between age 0 and 7. The most difficult thing is not managing the child. The most difficult thing is managing yourself. Between the age of 0 and 7, 70–80% of a child's personality is already developed. Where is it being developed from? From watching their parents. Just watching.

This is the greatest test of your character. You're screaming at your spouse, having a big argument in front of your child — they're watching. Twenty years from now, they will have the same argument with their spouse. Same. You're in front of your child, the child drops something, you lose your temper, you scream, you pick up the child, you shake the child — any sudden actions like this will never leave the memory of this child.

So the hardest thing between age 0 and 7 is working on yourself as a parent. Training yourself. Controlling your emotions. Controlling your anger. Controlling your bad behaviours. If you don't, your children will simply copy you. And when they start becoming 4, 5, 6, you'll start getting worried. Because you'll start seeing them do things that you do. It's very scary. You scream at somebody, and at age 4, when you see a 4-year-old screaming, it's very scary. Where did they learn that? Only from you.

So, three things between age 0 and 7: teach them about Allah; give them the right environment; and more importantly, work on your own character, because this is what the child is copying and imitating every day.

The Prophetic Way: Play and Gentleness

Between the ages of 0 and 7, what did the Prophet ﷺ do with children? Most of the time — play. Play with your children. The Prophet ﷺ, when he would come across young children, he would rub their hair, pick them up, grab them, tussle and wrestle with them. If he was praying Salah and they climbed upon him, he would not move. He would let them stay, using him as a horse.

This happens very often as a parent — you are in sujood and your child thinks you are a horse, and they come and sit on your back. The Prophet's ﷺ Sunnah: don't move. Let them ride the horse. Where is the rush? Make du'a in sujood. When you are done, they will move and you stand up. Gentleness with them, mercy with them.

Anas ibn Malik — he was 6 years old when the Prophet ﷺ came to Madinah. His mother said: "This is my son, Khuwaydimuka ya Rasool Allah — he is going to be your servant from today." Now tell me, is a 6-year-old boy useful as a servant? No. Most of the time you are just going to be watching him play. But the Prophet ﷺ accepted this woman's request and said: okay, he is my little helper.

The Prophet ﷺ says to Anas: go, take this, give it over there to that person. Anas leaves the house. He sees a bunch of little boys playing. What does he do? He forgets what the Prophet ﷺ told him and goes and starts playing. Then he remembers — oh, I was supposed to go and do this. The Prophet ﷺ comes out of the house, sees him, and just smiles. Because under the age of 7, children do not have the ability to make good decisions. Command and conquer does not work. The style of the Prophet ﷺ with children under 7 was to play with them, to show them mercy, and to show them gentleness. Not to be harsh with them.

The harshness — that time will come. Ages 7 to 14, that is the time to show firmness, to show discipline, to have boundaries, to have rules. But until the age of 7, everything is soft and gentle.

On Salah: The Prophetic Hadith

The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 495; also reported in Musnad Ahmad)

When your children reach 7, start telling them: now we have to pray. And only discipline them when they miss Salah once they reach the age of 10.

So what happens before 7? No Salah. Before 7 is teaching them about Allah, the Prophets, and the Companions. Once they hit the age of 7, my advice to everybody — which I did for my own children — go and buy a prayer mat, one of those nice children's ones with your child's name on it. Give them a special gift. And go and tell the uncles in the front row of the Masjid: from tomorrow I am going to bring my child with me at Maghrib time to the Masjid. He is 7, she is 7. Please do not harass them. They will be a bit noisy, a bit troublesome, running around, excited, rolling. Leave them.

Because the Prophet ﷺ said: I have to start training my children for Salah, so please be patient with them at the Masjid. Most of the time, older people don't have patience. They don't like the noise of children. But would you like the noise of the children here, or would you like them in the nightclub? We can push them away from here, and then they can make noise in the nightclub — that's the choice. If we don't allow our children to roll around and run around here, they will roll around and run around somewhere else. Of course the sanctity of the Masjid, of course the sacredness of the Masjid, of course the manners — but the child is learning. The time will come.

You will notice that children, from the age of 1, start praying Salah by themselves. How? Through imitation.

Age Group 2: From 7 to 14 Years Old

The Challenges

What are the biggest challenges in the 21st century between the ages of 7 and 14? Social media. Trying to fit in. Friends. Peer pressure. And we need to be real about this: one in three children in the UK get exposed to pornography. At what age? Eight years old. So if we have 60 people here, 20 of your children are going to be exposed to pornography at the age of 8. And one in six children in London will end up smoking or involved in some kind of drug activity, at around the age of 13. These are depressing statistics, but they are true. They are just facts. And we have to deal with the facts.

Smartphones: A Clear Position

Between the ages of 7 and 14, should a person have a smartphone? Between the ages of 7 and 14, nobody should have a smartphone. I know people say controlled usage, moderated usage, monitored usage. I work in the field of IT. I have built mobile applications. I know the field. I've taken them apart and put them back together. I am telling you — you do not want one of those in the hands of your children.

The greatest social media giants of all time — Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook; Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft — they do not allow their kids to use smartphones until the age of 16. They built these things, so we should learn from them.

Role Models Outside the Home

Now, as a parent, until the age of 7, you were Superman — the greatest person in the life of the child. Now, at 7 to 14, you drop your child to school. You try to kiss them on the cheek before they leave the car. What are they doing? They're running away from you. "Stop being weird, you're embarrassing me." Until the age of 7 they were sitting in your lap, hugging and kissing. Now the child is 11 years old and they don't want to know you. What is going on?

The child is starting to worry more about their perception by their peers, their friends, their colleagues. At this age, it is really important for children to have role models outside the house — not you as a parent. Because at this point in time, children start to become allergic to their parents.

Where are they going to find a role model outside the house? The Masjid. Family members. Activities. Let me give you some ideas. A Muslim football coach — doesn't have to be a pro, just some brother who knows how to play football. Get him to start a little five-a-side. Send your 7, 8, 9, 10-year-old child there once a week. Muslim children. Muslim coach. They pray Salah together, play some football, and they leave. What is the child getting out of this? One good role model. The football coach is a practicing Muslim who brings Salah.

Here is another idea — for boys, martial arts. For sisters, swimming, martial arts, football. Things that children love to do — games, Lego, fun. But do it in the Masjid. Make it run by Muslims. Get Muslim volunteers to run these activities in the evenings, on the weekends. Get the Masjid to host them. Or they will get it from somewhere else.

Are Our Madrasas Fit for Purpose?

Between ages 7 to 14, around this time, parents start to send their children to something after school which we call madrasa or maktab in order for them to learn about Islam. Are our madrasas and maktabs fit for purpose? Generally, across the country, many of them are outdated in their teaching methods. Some are pushing children away and making them resent the Qur'an. Madrasas need some form of reform.

The first thing is the curriculum. Madrasas should include more play, more story time, more nasheeds. Get the kids standing, get them moving. After sitting from 9 to 3, they are coming and sitting again from 4 to 6 — this is how you develop problems. Get them moving, get them playing, activities, story time. Teach them in a manner that suits their minds.

The second thing is on parents. How much does madrasa cost per month? Roughly 40 pounds a month. Maths tuition — we will pay 30 pounds an hour with our eyes closed. Because my son will become an engineer. But the madrasa hikes the cost from 30 to 33 pounds a month, and there are riots on the street. People are furious over a 3-pound raise.

If your child is between 7 and 14, and you want your child to have good role models outside the house, invest in the madrasa. Push the madrasa to change the way they teach and do more things. Push local volunteers to set up football, basketball, sisters' games nights. Set up things for children and young adults to go and play and have fun in a safe environment. What will happen otherwise? You will find them doing the same thing somewhere else, in a worse environment. If you do not give them friendship and belonging in a Muslim environment, they will get it elsewhere.

7 to 14 — this is the window where you make it or you break it. You either gain the child, or you have lost the child.

Age Group 3: From 14 to 21 Years Old

The Stakes Are High

Now — is it a child anymore, between 14 and 21? Sometimes. Most of the time, they are now adults. They have hit puberty. They are men and women, the vast majority of them. They are also going through hormonal changes, physical changes. They might have doubts, they might have questions.

If you did not give your children time between 0 and 14, now you will lose them, and you can never get them back. Trust me. The vast majority of parents who call their imams, mashayikh, ustadh, counselors, or chaplains — they call when their child is 16 or 17. "My child is smoking weed. My child is with the wrong crowd. My child is self-harming. My child is talking about suicide. My child is not sure about their gender. They are 16 years old — can you help me?"

I can have a conversation. But in 30 minutes, I cannot fix 16 years of bad parenting. Where were you all this time?

If the bond was built from 0 to 7, and you got them the right activities, the right community, the right mentors, the right teachers — if you have a child in the UK, please be ready to put double the amount of time and effort that people who raise their children in Muslim countries put in. Because you are swimming against the current. It is not going to be easy.

Give Them Your Time

For men, just for one moment — we think our greatest duty is to put food on the table, to earn money for our families. But you know what our children want from us? How long do you think the average parent spends with their child one-to-one every day? The answer is 20 minutes. The average parent in the world today only gets 20 minutes with their children. Is it surprising that when a friend, a relative, or somebody else comes along to influence them, they are not interested in what the parent has to say?

One time, in Manchester, in the Masjid I teach at, there were two young boys, around the age of 10. Excellent manners. Memorised the Qur'an. Top of their class. I asked their father one day: what is the secret? His father drives a taxi. He said: I drop the kids to school at 9, I drive until 3, I pick the kids up, and I put my keys up — that is it. Maybe I have no savings. I am just getting by. But I get six hours of quality time with my sons. That is it. There is no rocket science. I just give them time.

Dialogue, Not Rejection

At this age, your child will have confusions, hormones, desires, and so on. A young man once came to the Prophet ﷺ and said: O Prophet of Allah, I cannot bear it anymore. Just let me go and commit zina. What did the Prophet ﷺ say to this young man? He said: come here, let me explain to you.

The Prophet ﷺ said: look, my son — do you have a mother? He said yes. Would you like someone to do that to your mother? He said no. He said: yes — people have mothers, and they do not like this done to their mothers and sisters either.

Simple. That is where he went. If he had struck him, or told him to leave the house and disowned him, he would have lost him forever. So at this age, it is really about dialogue. It is about keeping that relationship strong with now this future adult.

Between 14 and 21, if your children are now adults and they can speak to you when they are worried, when they are confused — this is a great achievement. All the bond you built all these years, now they are speaking to you. Now you can advise them.

Make the Halal Easy: Encouraging Early Marriage

There is another thing I recommend. For those parents who can afford it, try and encourage your adult children to get married early — when they are 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. Encourage from a young age the idea that: why don't you consider getting married early? If you need some financial support, I can support you. If you need moral support, I will support you. Support your children to get married as early as possible, because it is a very strange world out there. And if they are not getting married early, there are plenty of other alternatives for them. So make the halal easy for them.

Now your child is 17 or 18, they have gone to college, gone to work, gone to university. Your daughter has met a brother at university, or your son has met a sister at university. Son comes home: "Baba, so you know, I was at an event today — an Islamic lecture — and subhanAllah, there was a sister..." You know the end of the story.

Now the father or mother, at this point in time, their reaction is going to determine everything. And then the child tells you that the sister they are considering is from a different ethnicity. Ya Allah, it is as if Yawmul Qiyamah has come early. How can a Bangladeshi marry a Somali? Audhu Billah. How can a Gujarati marry a Kashmiri? Audhu Billah. How can a Palestinian marry a Lebanese? No way.

This young man or young woman — if you ask them on a map where "back home" is, they won't know. This is home for them. They are British. They don't have that same ethnic connection that we have. This British young man or young woman has gone to university. They cook curry, they cook pasta. Different culture, different food. And now they want to get married to someone of a different ethnicity.

I can tell you what happens, because I am on the other side. The young man or woman comes to me: "Ustadh, my parents said it is not going to happen." I say: be patient. But six months later, those two people have committed zina, because they wanted to marry each other but the parents said no. They are good people. They have good manners. Why did the parents say no? Different ethnicity. Same postcode, different ethnicity.

They have now committed zina. They come home. The parents say: I don't want to know. But you caused this. The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1084; also reported in Ibn Majah, Hadith 1967)

If someone comes to you, O father, O mother, and their deen and their manners are good — let them get married to your children. Did he say their deen, their manners, their food, their country, their nationality, their culture, the village they are from, which tribe they are from, which sect they are from? No. If somebody's deen and their manners are good, the Prophet ﷺ says: let them get married.

Why? If you don't let them get married, the Prophet ﷺ tells you what will happen:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1084; also reported in Ibn Majah, Hadith 1967)

There will be great fitna and great fasad on this earth. You will cause young men and women to lose their virginity, to do the wrong things, to get into haram relationships — because you did not let the halal become easy. The parent becomes a barrier.

Now the child is an adult — 18, 19, 20, 21. They have desires. They want to get married. They are at university or they work. At this point in time, the parent should become a guide. The parent should become an advisor. But most importantly, make it easy for these young men and women to get married and to continue their lives.

Conclusion

And with this — from zero until 21, with these practical advices from the Qur'an and from the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ — I will come to the end of this talk. Anything good I have said is from Allah. Any mistake is from myself.